This caught my attention because I felt that you could use my help. Your title had a misspelled word. That is a killer when trying to get people to read your story. I was once in your position and someone was kind enough to help me along. There are grammar errors, story-writing errors in general, and story-format problems with this piece of work that need your attention.
It's good to keep everything involved in your story that will throw a reader off. (Look the blow terms up to get better at something you are already good at, story-telling)
*Tense Shifts
* Point of View Changes
* Poor spelling
* Format Errors
I am going to re-write your story for you. Feel free to consider it an edited second draft, but continue to look it over as it will help you understand the mistakes that will cost you a reader. Once again, this is not talking down to you; not at all -- not by any means, whatsoever! Your imagination is good -- you have something that many writers do not have, I can sense it; otherwise I wouldn't be doing what I am about to do. You have the touch, the imagination, and the ability to tell a story that many writers struggle with. Once we get some of your output errors out of the way, you may very well go far in the art of literature.
I can tell you are a good storyteller! Let's take a look at your writing:
My Edited Second Draft of Your Work:
(Yes, this is your work... I just edited it and you are free to do with it what you want. I would hope that you would compare the two pieces and notice the changes I made; that is the best way to get better at your writing)
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Ice-Cream
I sat up in bed. The morning sun shined brightly through my window. Sleepily, I grabbed my iPhone and texted hey beautiful to my girlfriend, Emma. I looked beside my table where I kept a photo of my blonde babe only to notice that it was gone. It was then that I remembered the night before but it was too late; my I-Phone buzzed. Slowly, I raised the phone, afraid of what my ex-girlfriend had to say.
Get a life! Stop texting me! Appeared in big letters. I sighed and threw my phone down. I could remember the night before clearly now that I was awake.
It was two o’clock in the morning when I finally got a chance to call my girlfriend.
“Hey hun, sorry it’s so late. I got caught up with work.” The line was silent for a while... All I could hear was Emma’s heavy breathing.
“Hun?!,” Emma exploded. “You spend more time with your work and your app’s than you do with me!”
I guess I should have seen that coming. I did spend a lot of time at work; I designed App’s for the iPhone. I’m one of the most successful app creators ever; I felt that should be a good reason for keeping girls, not to keep losing them. I ran my fingers through my messy black hair and gowned as I stumbled out of bed. I walked into the bathroom and saw a sticky-note that I put on the mirror.
Meeting at 12:30 was written on the note. I swore under my breath because it was already 11:00. I quickly got ready and glanced out the window.
“Great! It rains on the day my car is broken!” Did I mention that Emma also ripped the breaks out of my car? I grabbed my IPhone and umbrella and walked out of the door. I ran down the crowded sidewalk, trying not to get my shoes covered in the gum covered ground. 12:25, my watch read.
I started to run.
As I ran, I bumped into a woman; she had a stack of papers under her arms as she fell over; the sheets flew like Autumn leaves and she scrambled to pick them up. During the chaos, my iPhone fell out of my pocket and into a puddle.
“Gosh lady! Do you know how much those phones cost? Whatch where you’re going, would ya?”
The woman turned to face me and her eyes narrowed.
“Watch where I’m going? You bumped into ME!” She shook her head and her hair flew out of a neat bun that was tucked in the back of her head. Her hair was such an amazing red. Her skin was bright against the fire. I babbled, dumbfounded. She looked at me like I was an idiot, then briskly, turned around and walked off. I shook my head. Forget the meeting, I was sure I had just met the girl of my dreams.
I ran after her.
“Hey! Wait up!”
She turned to face me.
“What?!,” she said sharply.
“Umm,” I said as I fidgeted with my collar. “Do you want to get some coffee?”
A smile slowly spread across her face until she practically glowed.
“Okay...”
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