This is a good little story, I like the idea of him reflecting and coming to terms that there is something really wrong in his relationship.
Included are suggestions of grammer errors I found and sentence structure.
Dawn
So he thought for a while, (.)
steadily,(b) But
“I love you(,)” she said(,). (h)Her face seem so pale;
I love you to(,)” David said(,)
David never thought he’ll(he would) be in a situation like this.
thoughts. no need for plural
below this pharagraph does not read well
His wife then enters house. David never thought he’ll be in a situation like this. What will be the solution? Divorce? He quickly slaps his face. David’s mind is overcrowded with thoughts. He soon goes back in his house. His house was decent size, It has three rooms (which two out of three are not even used) 2 bathrooms and a small yard.
David takes a deep breath and sits down on his comfy couch. Sitting on his couch makes him feel relaxed, like nothing serious is going on .Everything is peachy, if you put it that way. His eyes calmly close until he’s fully asleep.
Oh I like this, the flow is clear and percise, I like the way you bring the boy in to show an old man his wrong and that the way he percieves things may not be always the right way. Good job with this.
That is a nice way to put this. To question life, good and bad, then admit the bad but without regret. This reads really well, and it grabs you right off the bat. Great read
Wow powerful read. To show him as a boy with all his issues then to grow into a teen with even more, then the climax, a man with a gun, ending it all...
Great read
This was a hard read. mainly because my niece suffered from the same thing and we almost lost her. This once beautiful sight - I love that... So Fitting
Great read
OMG, this has all to strengths to make a good book. You took me to tears, then made me smile. At the end you had me shaking my head in agreance. I am so sorry your mom/bilogical allowed her boyfriend to hurt you and then, do it herself. I am so sorry you will carry those scares/war wounds through your life. I am also sorry that people make jokes about them. People arejust down right cruel. I understand the scares. I had one of those industrail size coffee makers tip over and burn me from the wiest down. It was horable, and the pain took a year to end. I did get lucky though, I was air lifted to a burn unit, and with all the technology, they were able to prevent scaring, at least they thought. If I try to tan on my legs, the scars are so visable. So I do not tan, have been made fun of for having legs as white as a ghost, but I am okay with that.
Again, my heart goes out to you, you are stronger than most.
Dawn
OMG, this is such a good story, I could feel the officers discumfort throught he story. I wanted to tell Anna to shut up.
The flow in this story is amazing. You can fell smell and taste what is going on, and through my read I only found one error. That is great.
Dawn
We had maids, paid lawn maintenance, a butler(,- no need for htis comma) and cooks. That is, until my parents dies(died). Thats when I went to live with my aunt."
I am right there with you, nights of agony, memeries, desires and lost hope alwas flutter their way into the thoughts as you lay, trying to fall asleep. But to the dismay, the thoughts linger. This reads very well. It needs a little tightening up, but that is minor.
Once sentence I did find confusses me.
And like the star crossed lovers every starts off great........
This seems to be missing something. (maybe)
And like star crossed lovers, everything starts off great...
I made two changes compare and see what you think.
This peice is so painfully true of most teens todau who have committed the act, and luckly have not succeded. I read an artical, and the owrds rain so true to their own.
Life
a creature that once was me but so unwanted, never to be in the light of a loved. You
astonish me ..... This brings life to this peice of darkeness.. good job
last poem, very sad, yes indeed, to be able to reflect and see yourselve, good job.. I would have titled this emptiness... That would seem to suit it.
This is really cute. This poem is one of those rear ones. If you left it untiled, you would get several responces and all would be different. You can take so many different meanings from these lines and that is what makes it so good.
First let me say this is so very vivid, the betrayal is felt by the reader, and the anger the reader feels for her is real. Now there are a few problems with this, that I did point out, to help this great story read so much better.
Dawn
pain rocks (rocked)through her, making her we
she wants him dead: she)narrows her eyes, clenches her fists as her nails dig (ging= remove) moon shapes into her flesh.
(But,)but she is smart(;) so very cold and calculating. she knows there are fates worse than death. (this should have more) = for this man who tore her life apart) somthing like that)
(She)she raises the knife she borrowed from the kitchen drawer(;)aiming it at an area sharp implements should never be pointed toward.
she want(ed) him dead - her hands tighten around the hilt (with) knuckles whitenening.(She slams the blade down)
(but, knowing there are fates worse than death,= you have this saying in the lines above, redundent, keep each line new, prevent repeated sentences) she slams the blade down - metal biting flesh.
This reads so good, needs a little tightening up with the long sentences, but other than that. This is great.
Not being the middle child, I can not relate, but I have watched as friends came from large families and i witnessed them get lost in the midst of the brude. This reads that memory true.
This poem evokes great sadness for the heart that has been hurt. I noticed this peice has no title, so I looked and thought, but I am at a loss. This is a great read. Wait, how about the title "Alone", would this not suit it?
This is great for only a few stanza'a but it is one of those that you don't want to keep adding to because it would hurt it. Great job in decribing the longing for love, for that someone to know you are there.
This is really a great poem, I have someone who is dear to my heart who has gone throught hte same thing. Coming to terms with all the we cannot change is always the key. I read to to her, and she stood silent. That is what makes this so good.
Dawn
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