Very moving and thoughtful poem that manages to point out the the irony of the man's situation, yet depicts him and his life with great compassion and warmth.
The contrast of the 'delicate crease" and laugh lines with the hollow eyes and thick skin is beautifully done. These lines sum up the entire poem and the poignancy of the vulnerability of the homeless:
"Now, his skin is thick and strong
from being abused by the elements -
but his heart is weak"
Really very well done. I can't think of any changes: it is a finished work.
Very clever, and the rhythm and balance of the lines are very well done. I do like the last sentence - procrastination wins after all the promises.
I would suggest adding a few lines with specific examples from life.
This really captures the sense of being overwhelmed and distracted by so many different thoughts and images that all authors experience. I love the final sentence that brings clarity and focus.
The tone of this works very well - comic and tragic, with a very good rhythm going. The description of paranoia is moving and poignant. The final sentences didn't quite work for me as they ended the poem too abruptly. The word 'bemused' is less powerful than the rest of the poem deserves.
The best .line is "My parrots are plotting in their sullen bird cages". Really excelent
You make a compelling case. But where does that leave me? I work in finance. Do I trade in the pinstriped suits and wingtips for the clothes of a workman?
Very well done and the flow from the dreams to the second-guessing to the peasant image works well. I especially like
"Walk the streets as a peasant, constantly beg pardon,
hide ambition effectively through my dim-witted jargon"
This nicely captures the sense of holding in the true self.
The phrase "future of dawn" is the only think I would change.
The only thing I would add is that I would have liked a physical description of both the homeless man and the businessman. But that is just my preference.
I wuld suggest that you try to connect with the reader a little. This is a very personal peom but you are writing about something most writers know and understand. If the poem was a little more structured the reader could enter in more fully.
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