This was delightful. The constant steady flow of the verses all throughout, you paint a nice picture of the delights, frustrations and you opinions on tea. I really enjoyed this and am going to have a cup now!
I love the suspense. I like how no one to this day knows where Beck and Johnny are. I could even see the events occurring in my own mind as I read, like a silent movie in black and white playing on a screen. Well constructed. Great writing.
Beautiful. I dare say that if there is a woman out there that doesn't swoon over this then they're crazy. It is sad at the same time..and I relate to this all to well. To love someone who has no idea is hard... but to love and never speak of it is torture. That is what I got from your piece. Thank you so much for sharing this!
I find this saddening, because it is never a good thing when you are hurt, even more so when it is by someone you love.
I do however find this comical, just the words used and the fact that yes, every country song that you hear on the radio anymore is either the spouse/significant other has done the singer wrong or they left without a goodbye... something along those lines.
I really enjoyed this piece. It brought a smile to my face as I read it.
My Favorite Part: Under these broken wrists there is love. Love for "the one" who will never show.
I clearly get the image that you're holding the weight of the world. I do like how you didn't made it appear as your wrists were carrying the weight. Just my perspective of this free verse.
Great work. I can give you a little advise that helps me when I find myself doing the same thing. First off, get rid of all the "he'd or she'd" that you can in the story unless it is in dialog. It makes it a lot easier to catch when you're going from present to past tense and when it comes to dialog, if you have ever just listened to a conversation between two people, we do speak that way.
Also, another helpful hint is to write so much, then stop and read what you've written aloud to yourself. Believe it or not you catch a lot of things doing it this way, plus it helps if you've got issues with run on sentences.
I couldn't take my eyes away from this story. It held my attention because I didn't know why the guy was so down on himself, how he could feel the way he did, I wanted to understand, I do now. I see a few grammatical errors as well as some sentence structure errors, but nothing that can't be fixed by reading this to yourself out loud. I also like how you use the hat as the object in which makes this story revolve.
I really do like this piece. I think it could be quite controversial but I like the thought that had to go into this prior to writing. I think that when Sierra is speaking with the Creator, is some of the better parts of this short work. I feel as if the dialog could use some work. I like how you told of the legend but feel as if you need to explain more about the world Sierra is living in and not just throw the reader into dialog without really explaining the characters. I would really like to read more of this piece and see where the story goes, if you had any more to add.
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