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155 Public Reviews Given
311 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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51
51
Review by Lady Rook
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Ash,

Aw, that was sweet. Too bad life's gonna get in their way later on! (No, I'm only kidding.)

At first I was bothered by the lack of punctuation and capitalization, but I suppose it isn't necessary.

Thanks for putting up.

dragonlady
52
52
Review of Little Bear  
Review by Lady Rook
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Meenie:
Found you on the review page. What a touching story of recovery and new found freedom. I wish I could pick it apart more in order to help you but, you don't need that help at all.

Give it a good once over for there was a long space between sentences at one point.

Here is the only thing that bothered me:

The rapid carried the boat through on its own accord

should it be rapids?

I liked that she gets bach to nature to deal with her feelings. I think that in today's fast paced world, nature is often overlooked as a place of comfort, solace, and healing.

I cannot think of where to submit it to, hmm, would Guideposts take such a story? Not sure. Have you been published before?

Lady Rook
dragonlady
53
53
Review by Lady Rook
Rated: E | (5.0)
aw that was a goooooooood one.

This was the only line that bothered me:
I have call from distant shore.

Maybe could be: I am called to distant shore

even shores

It's up to you of course. I write fantasy and not much poetry.

Bye Khalish.

dragonlady
54
54
Review of Turning Point  
Review by Lady Rook
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Aw shucks Elisa that was a nice one. Makes me feel all giddy. A good portrayal of love and the determination that is needed to keep it going or even to make it happen at all.

I especially like the incorporation of fire to illustrate passionate feelings.

A fine poem, I saw no errors.

Lady Rook
55
55
Review by Lady Rook
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
The EYE! I have the EYE! (places the eye of Sauron on the edge of the desk where it rolls back and forth slowly, of its own volition)

Hi Steve!
Thanks for the cookies. The child just would not share. I think he is a changeling, even though I was there at his birth (thank goodness for epidurals). He's now running round with 98 Elmo bandaids stuck to his legs.

Okay, read through this one. Trippin' me out Stevester. I think I know where my buddy Ashley gets her nuts from. Hee hee.

Looks like y'all are doing a little role-playing campfire. I will have to check back once the plot thickens. Not sure of the plot really, but hey, I'm sure it will come in. I'd offer my services as an evil warlord, but I don't know if you need them just yet. You see, occasionally I am possessed with fits of rage which would be quite useful if you needed an evil character. hee-hee.

Oh look, the two year old has returned.
NO

NOT THE EYE!!!!!

THE EYE IS MINE

GIVE

IT

BAAAAACK!!!

See ya Steve.......................
56
56
Review of Demonic Fury  
Review by Lady Rook
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Ahhh Phooey, still no bio. (throws body to floor kicking and screaming. regains composure and plops back into chair, squeak) Gee, I guess I need a new chair.

OK here goes, now don't get mad and turn me into a horrible flaming monster...

You have a good beginning and idea here. But I see room for improvement. The story reads like a news report, which means I feel I'm not in it. Stop, put your hand down, don't zap me with that... You've lain the groundwork for a five star performance. Is your intent to continue on with this?

ok

here's the skinny on my thoughts, excuse the lack of caps, holdin' a wee one at the moment...

for just a short story:
go back, take out the whole part after he takes on the guys beating on the anonymous guy. make this one a tragic love story. focus in on gabriella and him being real into this forbidden love thing, make 'em sneak around and stuff and make him real scared of her mommy. then wham, mom comes in and finds 'em on the couch together and boom he's whacked into creepy skeleton demon creature. now, gabriella just can't love him anymore cuz he's beastly ugly with a scarey temper tantrum problem and soo maybe the little girlfriend gives him over to Lord B just to get rid of him.

aw shucks, don't look at me like that.
(kicks the carper sadly)

okay, all right, then make it a novel, there's so much going on that short stroy just doesn't answer all my questions...

ah, gotta go

got some spanakopita to supervise

don't ask

Rook
57
57
Review by Lady Rook
Rated: E | (4.5)
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH! That's my kind of poem! I loved it! Appeals to my dark, mysterious nature...

But I must here now make a few suggestions:

The forest green is glistening
bright with different sheen
every sight the eyes can cast
is gorgeously white and pristine

Maybe:
bright yet with a different sheen
(kinda makes you think somethings going on that just isn't normal)
________________________
Feather light flakes of wispy air
fall and vanish in your raven like hair
none can behold the beauty of
one so lovely and fair

I think take the "like" out. Raven can be a color unto itself...

Maybe: one such as you, lovely and fair
_____________________________

You float as a ghostly when you walk
your voice a caress when you pause to talk
as I stare at your radiance shining throughout
I cannot help but balk

You float as a *ghost*
balk isn't working for me here, though it presents a fine image. Hmm, maybe: I cannot control my...
Oh phooey, I don't know. Sorry, wish I could help out more with that one. ) :
__________________________

But as she approached, to life came my fear
time had run short, and now night was near
as I gazed upon my love, deep in the winter woods
a cold wind crawled across my skin, and her beauty disappeared

Here I have a big problem with the 'as she approached'. Somehow it has taken me out of the scene and I am in the future, looking back.

Maybe:
She approached me and I was rent with fear
_________________________________

So anyhow, I really liked it. Girlfriends got that whole ghostly thing goin' on.

( : Glad I dropped in.

Rook
58
58
Review of Waiting  
Review by Lady Rook
Rated: E | (5.0)
Well, hello there Ender Wiggin!
Just scoped you out on the plug page and I must say, I'm glad I peeked. Lucky for you, I liked this one. It has a nice 'can't live without you' theme. Very simple, touching, and revealing.

I am not usually one for repetition but you have pulled it off. It creates a dramatic effect; I like that!

So hey, could you set your bio up? You can fill it full of lies if you want, I'm into fantasy writing so it's okay. What can I say? Curiosity killed the cat.
Meow.

Rook
59
59
Review of Jilted Wishes  
Review by Lady Rook
Rated: ASR | (4.5)

Since these feelings I could not deny,
I had to win her heart.
I wish I had known then what I know now,
My plans were doomed from the start
(just needs a period, last line)
__________________________

Bus somehow I stop short this time,
(a large greyhound terminal comes to mind...)
Bus should be But


Oh blacklion,
This one is great! So much more so than the first, well, that's not fair really because the first had that sort of abstract thing going on with the cage and all.

Oh I like this one.

But you had me scared there for a minute, a little obsessive. Then the whole suicide part...hmm.

I sense that you are a passionate person, in the sense that you act rather quickly to situations. A dangerous way to be sometimes.

But then, this may just be a fantasy poem. I like fantasy. I live in fantasy.

Rook
60
60
Review of Torn Emotion  
Review by Lady Rook
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Well, hello there blacklion, let us take a peek into your portfolio, shall we?


My love had never seen light of day,
Until I met this beauty at night.
Long black hair, deep eyes, a full smile,
Cheeks that made me want to kiss them
Until I could taste the rose petals
That made them the color blush.

perhaps a *the* before light of day
perhaps an *of* before blush unless of course blush is a color unto itself which is entirely possible in this day and age...see a box of Crayolas for more on that.

That was lovely, lion, a good beginning.
__________________________

I know from the beginning that I
Couldn’t have her, but my emptiness
Craved her laughter to fill my soul.
Just the mention of her name
Caused me to rethink the outcome
Of my future plans of existence.

Here we have a bit of verb disagreement:
Perhaps it should be knew not know, my shaggy, dark maned friend.

So you got a big ol' black hole in your soul, lion? That's sad. But look, you're planning for the future, that's commendable.
____________________________

I thought I could deny the connection
That I hastily sought to place between us.
But the white worn linen softness
Of her hands wove and entangling web
As easily as they had caressed my face.

and should be an
Girlfriends got some magic hands there...
_________________________________

Overtaken by my newfound release,
I allowed myself to delve deep into
This well of love uncontested.
She gladly obliged my efforts
By offering a warm heart to
Still my fears of rejection.

newfound should be new found
Aw shucks, that's sweet, blacklion, you old softy.
_________________________________

But all was not right in paradise,
As other would come to asphyxiate
My attempt to find joy in my life’s cage.
My cage, though grand in stature,
And diverse in appearance, still was no less
Confining than a pair of body shackles.

other should be others
body shackles, hmm a dark picture that presents (slaps self to come back to the present)but I digress...
_______________________

Every second that I lie basking in her sun
Were like the hollow hours before a
Death row inmate receives his penance.
I want to stop the fascade,
But I’m run over by the momentum
Of my need to feel loved.

Verb disagreement again, were should be was.
fascade should be facade
This is sad, I feel your pain here, lion.
___________________________

I cannot, I dare not, try and hurt her.
But by my hesitance, I only prolong and
Add fire to the impending day of destruction.
If she only knew my hope, my dream,
To find someone as half as good as her within my cage,
I feel she could help me to let go of her.

I am thinking: take out the as before the half, flows better.
Blacklion get out of that cage of despair...it's a big beautiful world.
_____________________________

I swallow my courage and bite my lip.
The blood is like acid on my palate.
I advance in this battle of torn emotion,
Certain of one thing only.
My loss today shall be equaled by
The fact I received of her reward before losing it.

The last line throws me off a bit.
Maybe: The fact that I received her reward before losing it.

Well then, that wasn't so bad now was it?
Rook Galkwin
61
61
Review by Lady Rook
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Turtle,
You have bowled me over with laughter with this one. I absolutely LOVED it! I can see by your clear and concise descriptions that you are quite talented and whacko. A good combination for a writer I admit.

I enjoyed the deeper meaning to it, about becoming a woman and 'the change'. Very clever.

But my most favorite part was the glob of goo and hair growing behind the toilet... Call me twisted.

I can't see room for improvement.

See you at the frog,
Rook
62
62
Review of Breaking Away  
Review by Lady Rook
Rated: E | (4.5)
Eden,
This one flowed well and stuck to the theme. It is a clear and touching portrait of what it feels like when someone takes you for granted...am I right?

This elicited emotions in me I have not felt since high school, for that is how long it has been since someone treated me that way.

I like the line setup and breaks, how it comes back to fout lines in the end. Nice job.

The only error I saw was below:

Its all so indifferent
*should be It's

Thanks for the read!
Rook
63
63
Review of Gamer  
Review by Lady Rook
Rated: E | (5.0)
Johnny,
Clever and funny. I liked that one. Pretty good use of first person point-of-view since you are playing around with it. I find it easiest to write in first person.

This is a good way to develop a character by attempting to get in their head and be them, writing down their thoughts and feelings.

I especially liked the part of how he lost his job. That's a bit of reality in some places. Too much solitaire was always getting someone in trouble where I used to work...
Rook
64
64
Review of Ballad of Love  
Review by Lady Rook
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Julia,
Here is my overall impression. The beginning drew me in completely. I felt that the poem was too long though. It seems that the focus got lost with Jesus' account of his own history. I felt that at first the message was 'I am unworhy' and then switched to 'this is what happened to me' and then toward the end it was as if the speaker were still alive and could now 'go foreward and live life more securely in Jesus' love'. Now, maybe that was your intent. If so, then good. If not, then perhaps you could choose one of those themes and focus in more clearly on it. I rather liked this poem, so do not get me wrong.

Here are some suggestions, you are the author, so it is up to you...
___________________________
The walls extend forever.
My feet are walking on clouds.
I am not alone.
The sounds I hear are not quiet, but not loud.

*The sounds I hear, not quiet, not loud.*
____________________________
The precious air is the best ever.
I feel as if I am in paradise, in Eden.
Everything is white—perfect and pure.
Except for me—I feel like Eve, after sinning in the garden.

This one seemed too wordy...Maybe:
The precious air is the best ever.
I am in paradise, Eden.
Everything so white-perfect, pure.
Except me, I feel unclean.

Thanks for putting this one in the plug page, my favorite place to look because I use it when I want someone to read my work as well.

If you have any questions, let me know...

Rook
65
65
Review by Lady Rook
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello Purplefocus,
(purple is my favorite color I must admit)

That is a lovely and sad poem. It reminds me of my grandparents who have passed away. It seemed that after my grandfather died, my grandmother was never the same. I can only imagine the deep and painful loss and emptiness she was going through every day without him. It hurt her to see photographs of him.

So I would say you have done an excellent job with this one. It has brought out emotions in me!

I have taken the liberty of making some minor corrections such as punctuation and spacing of lines, but as the writer any changes are uo to you. Changes are marked by asterisks *.

Thanks for putting this one on the plug page!

Rook
___________________________________________________
We celebrated *our* life *together* of fifty years.
With family and friends. *just last week.* omit?
She was so radiant.
Every hair in place as always.
Makeup done to perfection.
I remember saying "Baby hurry."
"Just a couple more minutes*,*" she replied.
Arriving at our own anniversary *party*
twenty five minutes late.
I just laughed, she would never change.
Now I sit here in this cold hard chair
beside a metal hospital bed
staring at my wife's *motionless* body.
She is as beautiful to me today
as she was when we *met*
fifty one years ago.
The doctors say *
it's just a matter of hours.
I remember how she would smile.
How the touch of her hand
made me so warm.
Realizing how blessed I have been.
Dear God, I cannot be seperated
from her for one mere moment.
I feel her hand squeeze mine.
A hush comes over the room.
The monitor*'*s beeping ceases.
She's gone now.
My hand falls from hers
as my body slumps in the chair.
Keeping my promise.
Taking my last breath.
66
66
Review by Lady Rook
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Ola afam,
It is I your rating friend Rook.

Okay, let's see, some minor adjustments...

pennie should be penny

poney should be pony

Liutenant should be Lieutenant

I am unsure of the spelling of dread-locks, dred-locks, so I leave that one up to you. (I have limited experience with Jamaica and rastafarian types.)

Your story is catchy and silly. Don't dis' me- ha!
And otherwise it seems fine. Drop me an e-mail when lovely Lola Mrs. afam is out turning the compost with her pitchfork and I'll read some more...

What will happen in China?
One can only wonder...
67
67
Review by Lady Rook
Rated: E | (4.5)
Just capitalize "Wow, everything looks...

All your spelling and punctuation looks good.

It's a strange little story, but I kinda liked it!
68
68
Review of Snow Yellow  
Review by Lady Rook
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
It's always good to read a dark and twisted version of an old fairy tale. I quite liked it. Dark and twisted strikes a cord with me. Pretty funny too. You have a few typos, just run a spell check if possible to catch them. Also, when writing in italics, the first word within the italics needs to be capitalized, such as: Snow Yellow began with excitement "Gimme! Gimme!"

Very fun. I enjoyed it.
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