This is a different piece for me to read. Here goes:
Title Choice: Christ As My Lover
Well, that is a bit of a shocker. Most do not think of a lover in the sense you speak of. However, I like where you went with this idea. Oh, if all lovers could be so supportive and caring as this.
General Comments:
I like your outlook. It's positive. If this point of view feels right to you, by all means take it.
As far as the piece itself, you may want to put a space between paragraphs. You don't have to- I know that's not the usual way when writing for submission. However, on this website, it is easier on the eyes to read.
Edits:
He did create me after all, modeling me after he thought was most lovely.
I think you may want to place a "what" between after and he.
Title Choice: Whispers of the Wind, Echos of the Soul
An intriguing title. It sounds like a lost memory that needs to be found.
General Comments:
Already I miss Tarem, I wonder if he died and then in the second part of the chapter, if Lorelle has died as well. You leave this out and make me want to read on and discover what has happened.
Your characters feel real. Your descriptions are well flavored with detail and not overdone.
My favorite part:
The younger girl’s face was streaked with tears. In shame, she burrowed it deeply into her sister’s sleeve to conceal her grief. The elder girl’s face was tearless, but her eyes possessed a definite mournful quality. The wind played with her hair, tugging at the loose sandy strands and whipping them about her face. She held her sister to her side as if to shield her from the parting which was taking place.
Title Choice:
Gravity
Simple and direct just like the poem.
General Comments:
The repetition works, in my opinion. Your verses are so small that it flows rather than detracts. I have seen bad repetition, but this isn't. The simple cause and effect of the verses works.
Thanks for entering Philthy's Shorts. That's why I'm here.
That was a quick tale. I think it had good meaning in it but needed more development. The last part jumped too quickly for me. Also, it is told in first person then jumps to third person which confused me more.
Thanks for entering Philthy's Shorts. This tale was unique. I liked that you filled it with inspirational thoughts and that the main character overcame her normalcy.
If it were simplified, it would make a wonderful children's story. You have made it nearly fairy tale like, but in a great way!
Thanks for entering Philthy's contest. That's why I'm here.
I normally give more detailed reviews, but I am forced to get to the jist. I loved this tale. Had everything, sorrow, anger, regret and resolution. Awesome storytelling!
The beginning to this was quite clever. you had me goin' and grinnin. I was pretty anxious to see what terrible commotion would befal the monkeys when they went to the ship. But as you disclaim, the word limit has hurt your tale. It wraps up way too fast and needs a sillier end, in my opinion.
This poem is heartfely and full of sadness. You pull off the end well by bringing in a lighter thought. You break my heart.
Only suggestions I can offer are:
We had no time for ourself
Life was always so distraught
But now that you are no more,
You are always in my thought.
Generally she should be in your 'thoughts' (plural). You could change the line: "You are always in my thought" to "You are my only thought". Now I know that comes off more tragic, but the poem is trajic.
I miss you in thought, awake,
I miss you in dream, asleep.
Memories of yester days,
From myself I cannot keep.
Just put yesterdays together.
*My opinions only Khalish. You take care. Keep writing when you can squeeze in the time- I know you are so busy.
Title: "So I sit here...."
Good title. Not a big draw, but it fits the theme.
General Comments:
You've got clear emotions in this poem, the sense of love that is either unrequitted or unattainable. I have felt this. It is piercing, torture, a pain that never fully fades.
The progression of sitting, standing, falling and lieing is symbolic of the intense feeling of not having this other person.
Suggestions:
What I would like to see is that you break up the poem as so:
So I sit here,
heart cold & gray.
starin at the wall all day.
wishing I could be with you.
knowing you'll never be mine and I never will be yours.
wanting to cry but no tears flow.
wanting to scream but no voice to be heard.
always waiting for someone to take my hand.
lonely because nobody will reach and understand.
So I move there,
hoping to find someone just like you.
searching for hapiness, peace and truth.
tired & torn walking the streets alone.
realizing there will never be another you.
So I stand here,
observing others kissing, hugging, and in love.
my soul in pain and I am praying.
wanting to die but something tells me to keep on livin'
and catch a glimpse of someone from the corner of my eye.
So I see there,
looks like you walking by.
you turn around and look me straight in the eye.
my soulmate just pass me by.
you've now gone so far away.
So I fall here,
my tears flowing into the drain.
my screams echo and is finally heard and I am in so much pain
and hear you whisper in my ear.
So I listen there,
you tell me you love me and everything is going to be o.k.
your voice warm & beautiful as you take me by the hand.
as you tell me to sit here
you move there closer to me.
And you stand here, right next to me, as I see you there, fall here, right into me.
We hold on to each other dearly.
So I lie here,
alarm clock ringing.
awaken & realizing this is all just a dream.
It should be lie not lay. That's one of those tricky words. Just think of lay as either to 'put' something down or to lay an egg.
General Comments:
This tale read like a nightmare to me. THe begin pulls me in with clear detail and events. Then it gets twilight zoney with the photos she did not drop off. There were parts that felt a bit off. It seemed like Davena and Ryan were comfortable with each other real fast.
In fact much of the story moved quick. You could go back and slow it down, make it develop in a more natural progressiion.
The aura of mystery created by the changing photographs was great. That was the strong point of the story. It kept me reading until the end.
You do get graphic and controversial, just as you warned. Even so, it felt like an extension of the horror Davena was feeling over what was happening to her.
The conclusion worked out well. Because of the nightmarish quality, I was wondering if everything could be brought back to reality. The part that felt odd was that her parents sued. How old was Davena? Perhaps it should be stated that her parents had her ruled 'unable to care for herself' and that they took control of her care until she was well enough to be independent again. Not sure, that's up to you.
It's a chilling little tale of hatred out of fear.
You read mine (Desire) so I'm paying back the favor.
There are two works in this spot so I'll write for each.
Title Choice: ODE TO DEATH
Ode is a cliche' of sorts. But why not? I don't mind the title though an ode should praise its object.
General Comments:
"We never realize the reason people die", that was the thought provoking line for me. I think that is true. We never understand the end. We always want more. So we must believe there is something that happens afterward. This poem runs through the many feelings one goes through in the grieving process.
The rhyme felt forced to me. I sometimes rhyme in my own work but often find the challenge of staying true to the meaning too difficult to accomplish. So I laze about and just write the images as clearly as I can and forsake the rhyme.
You have done well to bring in a ghost-like theory. Though it also is written as though the beloved is still there, clinging to life, unable to let go for fear of hurting their loved ones. I have felt the presence of my grandfather's ghost. It left me both happy and sad. Happy because in life he was always a cheerful man. Sad, because I felt his presence longing for my grandmother, who was still alive, to join him. When I returned again to the place I felt that, I felt nothing. This was after my grandmother passed. I was happy that they both were not lingering there in some state of unrest. Oops. Probably too much information for you. Suffice to say that this poem made me think, made me try to relate it to my own experience. So, you've done a good job!
Edits:
None
___________________________
Title Choice: THEY'RE GONE
fitting title
General Comments:
I'd like to see this written as 'I' or first person rather than 'you'. The you somehow disconnects me from the piece, as if I am being told what happened to me, when in fact this happened to the author, I assume (you know what they say about assuming, it makes an as*-, oh TMI again-heh sorry).
I liked the ominous feeling throughout the day. Yes, I've felt that. The worse part about that unknown feeling of dread is that one doesn't know what to fear until the moment comes and whacks us in the face. Cruel to even get that feeling. It might be easier to not feel anything at all until the moment occurs.
Edits:
You cannot disregard that feeling tht something is going to go wrong today
*that*
As you take the dog for his morning wak
*walk*
You try to pour a cup of coffe to help calm your nerves
*coffee*
But you can's find the strength to walk out of the house
*can't*
Also, check your bio. There's a wee typo. thing should be think. Don't feel bad. I always mess up sould I mean soul. hahahaha
Long time no talk busy guy. Thank you so much for entering my poem maker. I love the message in this poem though it is not what I intended in the prompt, sometimes the unexpected is best.
General Comments:
This poem made me reflect on my own life. The changes life brings, the challenges, the hardship. The overall message to me was melancholy and tired. I think we all feel that wasy at times. You have expressed it well and in a structured form.
Liked:
No passion, no fire now.
I wish to retire now.
I love that line. I see it with two meanings actually. Retire could mean rest or die. I have felt this way myself. Too much fire and passion can be a drain, lovely as they are at other times.
Disliked:
My friend I bid farewell!
Khalish,light the pyre now.
Here I lose the meaning. This is a personal poem so that may be my fault. Are you the speaker (talking to yourself) or is it another?
Edits:
Khalish,light the pyre now.
put a space after the comma. A minor change not worthy of losing you a star.
I'd be interested to see what you would do with January's prompt. If you've time. I know how busy you are. Rest when you can.
Hey I finally made it to your story. That Ender, he's a nut. Did you know he can wiggle his ears? Way cool.
Anyhow on to your review and thanks for requesting one.
Title Choice: "Fatespinner: Fear of the Dark"
It's okay given what I know so far from just the prologue. I'll have to read on. As titles go it doesn't grab me. Sometimes titles come best when a story has ended. Only my opinion.
General Comments:
Nice beginning, sets the scene. I don't think you're too wordy at all. You introduce the characters well, Cirdon and Brithor. Gee, I hope Brithor isn't dead already. Hm, where could Cirdon's girl be?
Makes me want to read on...
This feels choppy to me however. Maybe it's the scene breaks. I realize you're doing that to seperate point-of-view but perhaps there should only be one POV, more focus on Cirdon if he is to be the main character. I cannot tell so soon in the game.
I'd like to know how Cirdon 'felt' more. An inner monologue or stray thought at least when he realizes 'she' isn't home would be nice. Is he relieved, scared?
Liked:
The ample scene description.
Disliked:
This is only my opinion but elves guarding a wall aroung a city has been done before. So I had a hard time getting into that beginning. Doesn't mean it's bad.
Edits:
Caught one~
The tentacles on its backed whipped furiously as it turned, one dragging the desk aside by a wooden leg and the other swiping for his chest.
Hi Cloudy~
What happened to Trials behind? I was reading it yesterday and got interupted. Then POOF it is gone. Darn.
Anyhow on to this. Thanks for requesting a review in my forum.
Title Choice: "Just Let the River Flow"
Love the title. Many implications as well as just being what it says. Relating to life in general it could mean to just let nature be.
General Comments:
This piece appealed deeply to me. My 'river' is a pond far from me in Oklahoma. It was there that I always felt the connection to the world, the solace that nature so freely gives. How I wish I owned that plot and could go there daily. Sadly it remains a fond memory.
I love your show of wisdom, the description of modern city places. Even the air is different there, I agree!
Edits:
It would be easier to read if the paragraphs were seperated by one space.
And here:
always tell someone where your going
~your should be you're
Liked:
The simple wisdom. The way you used the place to let go of life's troubles and to learn. I also agree the city is ucky and country life is close to heaven.
Thanks for sharing this and drawing out fond memories for me.
Title Choice:
"Seven Days" Fitting Title, you had me confused when she woke and missed a few days but it was a cute touch.
General Comments:
Oh I loved the Mare, though she was not the main character in the story, her characterization and sarcasm and her ability to adapt and change to suit the dreamers she visited was awesome. You made me believe.
You always drag me along, make me wonder, hm what's next? How can this end? As you did in the Merman contest, you create such wonderful creatures and lore about them. That adds depth and realism even in the unreal world of fantasy.
Liked:
I liked that the Rae was blind and how she thought her way through the problems that faced her. Her blindness forces the reader to experience the world she falls into through tactile senses. I also liked that she was given the gift of sight.
My favorite creature was the Marmanhig. Tickling people to death~very cool!
And these lines: Never before has a Nightmare traded her life for the sake of a mortal. And never before has a mortal mourned the loss of a Nightmare
Disliked:
The ending actually. But that's me. I felt something was missing. However, I was happy that she remained in the dreamworld. Maybe it was the evil sister that was so ungrateful.
Edits:
Double question mark after Day four, Paragraph 5: "What do you mean, the fourth day??"
I know you did it for emphasis but it's not necessary. I was already going WHAT? FOURTH?
__________________________________
Rae felt cool bird's feet walk up her leg, slightly strangley.
The two adverbs lost me. Do you mean the touch was slight and strange?
__________________________________
She looked up to where the attack had came from, and felt her own jaw drop as she caught sight of the tree there.
came should be come
___________________________________
5th to last paragraph:
"other' duty?"
The apostrophe just needs to come off.
(claps for you)
Wow Judas, you are a strong writer, a good tale weaver. Hope to see you try Iblis this month!
Thanks you so much for entering even if you had to squeeze it in at the last moment. I didn't mind at all. Clearly, this was a lot of work.
Okay. This is an idea. I see the idea. I understand the concept of the idea. And even the double grocery buying made me laugh. BUT and that's a HUGE BUT:
Please be kind enough to your reader to capitalize, punctuate, use full words instead of abbreviations like u in place of you and also, run a spellcheck. Oh it's agonizing to read in the format you have it in. Yet read it I did. (I am a patient person-others are not so patient.)
And the last part when you comment on the item, it would be nice if you say: 'Author's Note' or something like that so that the reader understands that it is not a continuation of the 'story'.
You have a great idea. Just follow through with it, nurture it with time and energy and do it right. Strive for excellence.
By far this is my favorite. The emotion is strong in this one. I absolutely love it. You’ve just got to correct the typos. I’ll make it easy or you:
(I tried to make me dissappear, *disappear
The existance they once had, *existence
The hollownes in my heart. *hollow (don’t need the ness)
This one is good but I'd like to see it squashed together a bit more. The space between each line feels choppy to me. It has a haunting feel, a craziness that only comes from the random thoughts of a deranged person. Not you dear, the subject of the poem.
Also bring your exclamation marks back to the last word in each line when you use them.
Example:
Never seen the secrets she's got, she's not sane !
Hi Ry,
Me again. See I promised to review them all and now I'm sad you have no more port space. (cries)
Well I am not a fan of repetition, but do not change it on account of me. It's perfect as is. Again I fall for your kindness, your sweetness and even your innocence. You did well to keep it all in one voice- yours.
If I created a "Campfire" on my port, would you write poetry there with me?
Found you on the review page.
Okay let's review...shall we?
first verse:
By stars, she plots the day's dawning,
And gathers the sun, still yawning,
Paints the sky with soft orange stroke,
Unveiling all from darkness' cloak.
Okay what a beginning! I love it. No complaints here.
She ends the dreams that are so dear,
Calling souls and ground to cohere.
Mortals wake to breathless vision,
Of the blazing heavens' token.
Oh wow, I love that too!
What a fantastic image of calling the souls back from their dreams as if they are floating up in heaven.
She commands all things to begin,
but over ends she can not win.
For the splendor that comes with morn,
By day will fade and become worn.
Yeah you still have me here. Feeling bad for her, she's cool.
Her smile glowing with pearly light,
Shines her eyes of endless twilight.
As she fades, wishing to prolong,
She gives flight to night with her song.
Her hair -the golden gift of dawn,
Light! I awake, Aurora is gone.
Hmm, why 6 lines instead of four? Kinda threw me off. Now, Shines her eyes of endless twilight, you are saying her eyes are the twilight? Hmm the shines throws me off too.
(smacks forehead)
Oh, I like it. You took me away somewhere, to the dawn, a place I don't see much anymore. Thanks!
Nope never read anything of yours before. This poem was so sad and beautiful. I saw no editing errors so that's an A+ for you. I feel sorry for her. I feel the pain she is going through. A fine piece, treacle!
Hi Evil Sis:
Okay I have read this one. As always your writing has the ability to take me away (yes away from McDonalds and the screams and growls of playing children- Thnk goodness).
Okay here is my review. I'm practicing my reviewing abilities, so let me know if you have any questions.
General Commentary:
Ok, being partial to highland men, and men in general that have a thick accent I am immediately interested in Kelt's tale. His ramblings are detailed and personal making me want to read on.
I'm feeling bad for Leuk. Seems like she's getting dragged along and is now in for more than she ever wanted.
And the Gnomess! What's up with that? You're taking my sterotypical few of itty bitty men with tiny red hats and dashing it against the crags. Good job!
Editing Comments:
The first sentence is choppy. Thsi should be the sentence that grabs the reader and holds them tight never letting go.
You wrote:
I just heard the high pitch scream of our hunters. It turned my spine to ice and I have barely worked to regain my ability to write by taking long deep breaths.
Maybe try:
The high pitched scream of the hunters has turned my spine to ice and I've barely regained my ability to write. I have to take deep breaths, forcefully calm myself.
It's up to you of course.
------
Then in paragrapg 32:
And so I asked the pub owner how to go about in finding this war hero.
Just take out *in*
------
In paragraph 45 you mention Nolan for the first time though the bar guys never mentioned his name is the conversation. You may wish to at least let his name slip after the whole dead fly scene.
------
In paragraph 57 he realizes why the area is called the Breadbasket. But maybe a better or clearer explanation would be good. I don't feel clear as to why.
------
Paragraph 64:
Her pointy ears and feral blue eyes sure startled *me* when I first saw her standing in that door’s opening, but I admit I find her attractive now.
------
Paragraph 99:
I did not envy them, all warm inside while I struggled to keep warm outside.
I think he did envy them. Maybe rephrase as:
I envied them, all warm...
------
Suggestions:
Just fix the wittle wee errors, Sis.
What I liked:
Well this is what I like about every character you create, their depth, their history (seems like your always gibing them bad historys) which makes them tangible and drives their actions and reactions.
What I didn't like:
Hmm, I suppose for example the parts where he strays from his story to the present to describe his surroundings. I like the concept, but somehow when he describes it, it doesn't feel real. But that's just me, Sis. My opinion, take it or leave it.
Well, I'll have to check out his next chapter, aye?
Hi Purplefocus:
Hm, I think I've seen this one before.
What strikes me most about this poem is the line:
You arrived on your black horse
It implies already that he is bad news.
******
One year, two years, we were happy
Three years, now seventeen
Wow 'she' stayed with him that long?
******
You may wish to make line breaks between parts to indicate the seperate ideas, for example:
Seventeen years old, my innocence shining thru
You arrived on your black horse
I thought you walked on water
No one could tell me different
Believing love had exposed itself
Marriage found its way to us
One year, two years, we were happy
Three years, now seventeen
Why am I being blamed?
Editing correction(s):
-----------
thru should be through
-----------
All I did was loved you
Try: All I did was love you
Thanks Purplefocus for submitting to my forum. I hope I have helped you.
Lady Rook
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