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10 Public Reviews Given
37 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
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Review of Knock Knock  
Review by tsila1777
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I enjoyed the one sided conversation, excellent job of having a conversation and letting us in on the other side of the conversation. Not sure I explained that right, but I think you get the idea. I'm not sure of the ending. I'm not sure of the ending. I'm not sure of the ending.


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Review by tsila1777
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (4.5)
1. (“In case of an emergency,” she told Toby to convince him since he seemed so protective of his vehicle) I don't quite understand, what she told him.

2. (signalling the city was approaching.) the city was near. OR they would soon be in the city. The city itself could not approach.

3.(They were aiming to be) their aim was to be, OR their plan was to be...were aiming=passive tense

4.(stuck out like a sore thumb) Avoid clichés at all times.

5.(to show now she was relaxing.) Needs a "that"--- now that she was relaxing.

6.(Shifting her body upright, she attempted to keep her eyes open.) two sentences, could make it one, by saying, *upright, attempting to/or trying to...* Or make two sentences.

7.(Still a little frustrated with him, Ellie lay back in the chair and relished the few minutes alone. She knew there was no right for her to feel frustrated. (She knew)Knew Toby was right when he said it wasn’t (was not) worth the risk, at least not worth the risk of hurting himself. To her, her sister was worth the risk. She had no right to endanger Toby though. (was she inside the building or still in the jeep?) 'chair' makes me think she is inside.

A sigh escaped her mouth. Tired eyes began to flutter shut. The effects of the early morning and its subsequent events were finally beginning to show now (that) she was relaxing. Shifting her body upright, she attempted to keep her eyes open. They felt heavy as she stared out of the windscreen at the tarmac.)*where is she now?* Unable to keep them open, she tilted her head back and pinched the bridge of her nose in an attempt to regain some control of her eyes. When she opened them again, the sight of Toby approaching made her( wide-eyed.) *eyes open wide* *Where is she now?*

True to his word he returned ten minutes later. Ellie popped the boot open when she (registered) *noticed* the two large boxes he was carrying towards the jeep. Somewhere between entering the warehouse and returning, Toby had felt the need to remove his shirt. (Under the glare of the sunshine, try as she might not to, Ellie watched as sweat glistened on his forehead and shoulders as he walked closer.) *Sentence too long, hard to follow* *I assume she is at the jeep now?* But do not make your readers have to assume about space or time. (glare of the sunshine) still in the heat of the day?...But when they arrived in the city, I thought it was quite late in the evening.

8.(It was how Toby described it) It was how Toby *had* described it...

9. (the wave of disorientation. suggestion to replace disorientation..with *contemplation*

10. (The heavy lifting over, Ellie was surprised to see Toby didn't bother putting his shirt back on. Instead he liberally covered himself in sun cream. Her t-shirt was sticking to her like a second skin and a longing to remove it like he had his took hold, but it would hardly be conventional. Or appropriate, she chastised herself. Envious of his small luxury, she leaned forward to turn up the air conditioning in a vain attempt to cool down. ) I love this paragraph!!

11.(Toby was saying something or other about ) drop the ‘or other’

12.(It stung a little to think he could have waited for her ) *to think he had not waited..*
13.Did you mean sympathizing? not ( she couldn’t help emphasising.)
14.( she was guilty of.) Try not to end a sentence with a preposition
15.(The tiny clique of friends she had all knew she would be away for the best part of a month and they weren’t (were not) the type of people to worry about her so consumed with their busy city lives as they were.) Long wandering sentence. Could be fixed by adding ‘worry about her, as they were so consumed with...’
16.( she could see in his bunched up shoulders, she offered to drive ) shoulders. She two sentences.
17.(They didn’t spend much longer in the restaurant. They shared a couple of bread rolls and rehydrated before setting off. Suspecting the drive to Puerto Maldonado, a city deep within the Amazon rainforest, wasn’t(was not) what Toby needed to rid himself of the tension she could see in his bunched up shoulders, she offered to drive but he flat out refused her help. His hands gripped the steering wheel in a white knuckle death grip.

His tension didn’t help her sense of guilt. Was it caused by the phone call he made earlier? If she didn’t forget to tell him about the phone call then whatever was said on the phone to him wouldn’t(would not) have been said. The drama could have been avoided.

Finding herself hoping the tension was caused by something more basic, Ellie wondered if he was just nervous as they approached the troublesome Bolivian border. The border and the fact they were closer to a deluge of a tributary of the Amazon River were both things he told her they should worry about. Until now she was too busy concerning herself with him to think of those things.

They arrived in the city an hour earlier than originally planned due to Toby’s ruthless driving. Like a man possessed he sent the jeep ploughing through vegetation and swerving around obstacles. It was just the kind of driving they needed to jump in front of everyone else. It was just the kind of driving which could get them killed too. The thought scattered Ellie’s nerves at the time.

For his driving they were rewarded with an extra hour of sleep. They both needed rest so without wasting time he arranged for them to spend the night in separate wooden cabins with straw thatched roofs. The touristy kind of accommodation designed to give them a “real” sense of life in a jungle. There was nothing real about it, not when there was bricks and mortar only a mile away.

She had experienced real jungle. Real jungle was the murky light and the even murkier waters. The superabundant shades of green blurring together with the only shocks of colour from often deadly plants. The tangle of ferns and moss and vines garlanded with creeping and crawling beings. The suffocating wet heat encouraging mould to grow on clothes dank with sweat. The earthy smell of stale water and green vegetation mingling together. ) Excellent writing! Great descriptions! Sights, sounds, smells, touch, space, emotions...it was all there! Thrilling passages.

18.(unable to see your hand in front of your face) cliché
19.(Ellie told herself as she tucked into her dinner ) tucked? Not sure that’s the word you want here.
20.(Struck dumb as she was hit by the thick humid air invading her lungs) passive voice, try :”As the thick humid air hit her, she gasped....
21.(washed her hair with more *panache* than ever before.) panache? With more care or effort, than at the hotel.
22.("There’s nothing you can do to stop me winning you in this race,) ‘beating you in this race. OR stop me from winning this race.

Another exciting chapter. I so enjoyed reading. You have a great talent for descriptions. I suggest more of those and more conversation between the two. It seems they spent the entire day without saying a word to each other. I love the way you portrayed him when he did speak with the smile, you made him sound very attractive and quite sexy! More of that, please!! LOL Remember keep your reader always aware of time, and space. You do will with the space, focus more on time of day. You do well with the mornings, but then you arrive at your destination a hour earlier than expected...I do not know what time that was. It could have been noon or midnight.


Also I think Toby should have defender her against McKenna, especially when he put his hands on her. Excellent read. Thanks for allowing me to review it. Have a wonderful day. I hope some of my suggestions are helpful. You may have to review my review as I feel a bit groggy today, and may have made some mistakes, and misspelled words. Write on!!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Snow Angel  
Review by tsila1777
Rated: E | (4.0)
1. (Joe would never forget what the activists did to him.) This opening line sounds present tense, but I think it would fit better and make the story easier to understand if it was past tense, or and a time given as to when he saw the activists.

2. (What about the people who didn’t choose?) This was the best line, for me, it made me think of the people who do not have a choice. BTW, I live near Atlanta and there is no job or amount of money to make me move further north...it's South, I'll be going, if I do chose to move again.

3. (“And, um, it would be good PR, too, for the company,” Joe concluded weakly.) Absolutely love what you did there!


4. (So now Joe was driving around town in a rented van...) "So now", does not seem enough here, how about 'Only a few hours later, OR as soon as Joe was off work, he.... OR Joe took the rest of the day off to rent a van and began..... See what I mean? Time is important to a story. This could have been in the 60's or 2025, it could Nov. Or Feb. It could be 1:00 a.m. or 1:00 p.m. As the reader, I have no idea.

A story concerns itself with someone’s reaction to what happens–feelings, emotions, impulses, dreams, ambition, motivations and inner conflicts. Your character must clue the reader into those feelings and emotions.

The first sentences of every scene must set the stage and anchor the reader to time and place. As quickly as possible, make it clear which character is telling this part of the story. Use the telling details of time and space and character reactions to what they see, touch, hear, smell, or taste. In other words, use the five senses to anchor the reader. After all, our senses are how we experience real life. Give those same clues to your reader so that they can experience what the character is experiencing.

5. (“Excuse me, ma’am?” he said, approaching her. She looked at him suspiciously, and he held his hands free of his pockets so he wouldn’t appear threatening.) This is excellent, shows good insight. However, I would change 'wouldn't to would not'. Avoid contractions as much as possible except in a conversation. Which you do conversations quite well! And that is no easy task! Consider changing ( and he held his hands free) to : keeping his hands free.....Remember the rule: Be concise.


6.( She and the children – two and four, they looked like – climbed inside. ) suggestion: She and the children, that looked to be around 2 and 4, climbed inside. Well, something like that. It would read smoother than saying 'looked like'.

7.(We got no one.”) We got no one here." to be more precise. My next questions would have been, "Can you contact them? I mean, would they help you out. Maybe you could move there? <----I am not the BEST conversation writer...but just saying I would be curious enough to ask about that. You know give a man a fish....or give a woman and her two children warmth for a night or two.....

8.(They went inside to bask in the heat.) I am not quite sure, but I feel you can make this sentence MORE, stronger, more precise, more something. I mean, they were expecting to spend another night on the streets in freezing cold, but a 'snow angel' saved them from that fate. I have no actual suggestions of what to put here. But I am sure you can see the weight of the matter and great relief, and the possibility that he has actually saved their lives. They would be more than extremely relieved.

9.(Joe went out to find some more people to bring inside) Maybe? Joe felt the warmth of her gratitude, the pleasure of knowing he had possibly saved the lives of three people, and he gave glory and thanksgiving to God for allowing him to do so. He, then, continued his mission to find more homeless, who needed the help he was allowed and able to offer. <---something like that...show some feeling, this is a powerful thing that he did, and God made it possible, in one sense, because of the opening line, this was his calling in life.

I enjoyed the story! It has a good theme, one that can be used over and over in a diverseness of settings and a variety of characters. It shows that although we cannot save everyone, we should still do what we can do, and with God's help, it will be much more than we think we can. Even at the possibility of personal loss. Many people do think this way, that they can't save everyone so why bother doing anything. You show here that even if it's only one person or a single mom and her two children, the effort is worth the doing of it. Very good! No misspelled words, no grammar errors, that I found. Keep writing... I'm sorry for such a long a review. I tend to write a lot; it makes up for not writing 'short stories" well. LOL Write On!!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of The Sound  
Review by tsila1777
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I so enjoyed reading this story. Your character was likable and real. I would love to meet him again in more stories! It was completely entertaining. I loved the humor. It was easy to follow. The descriptions, and conversations were well written. I found no errors. But I was very much disappointed with the ending! (thus the 4.5 stars) I was expecting a hilarious ending with your character finding the source of the noise as being something simple and easily fixed, once in his new apartment of course. I personally can not imagine what that could have been, but was looking forward to it with much anticipation. And then it was just done. All the built up emotions flat-lined! Surely, as the writer, you know what the sound is, right? Would you consider a part two? If so please let me know, I would love to read more about this character. I just realized, you made him so real, that I actually want to get to know him better. I would have to say to that, EXCELLENT CHARACTERIZATION!! One tip for improvement: a different ending. Yes, I realize it is a short story. I do plan to read this again. Maybe I will make up my own ending this time. Excellent writing. Please keep it up!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of The Fun House  
Review by tsila1777
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I just love the ending. I sure hope it does not come to pass! The story was interesting, I could not have stopped reading it even if I had wanted to. I had to see what was going to happen next. I did not notice any spelling errors, type-Os or grammar mistakes. I could follow your descriptions of the un house, as you made your way through. I am sure such an undertaking was not a simple task. I was hoping they would find your friends when they tore down the amusement park, but I could not think of an ending suitable for that event. Waking from a bad dream is so overdone. I do not have any tips for improvement as the guidelines suggest we should offer. Sorry. A good story, well told. Keep writing!!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by tsila1777
Rated: E | (4.5)
1. (It was well worth the early morning, coastal driving was beautiful.) This line should be made into 2 sentences as it is a run-on and confusing.

2. (She wasn’t sure when she had enjoyed something so much and was so glad she brought the iniquity of the situation up with Toby, satisfied now that she was driving.) This sentence is confusing, the word "Iniquity" doesn't seem to fit the present situation, and "satisfied now that she was driving." is a fragment and needs to be placed in a sentence of it's own.

3. ("The protein bar they snacked on for breakfast failed to quash his hunger, he explained to her look of puzzlement.") this would read better if he actually told her, rather than a 'non-verbal' explanation. Ex: She looked puzzled. "The protein bar we snacked on for breakfast failed to satisfy my hunger." He explained.

4. (In between forkfuls as Toby spoon fed...) So which was it, forkfuls or spoon fed? (Ellie struck up conversation to distract herself from the heat of the dish). I'm not sure a conversation could distract anyone from a spicy hot dish.

5. (I made a semantic decision to stay away from hospitals), Are you sure you want to use the word 'semantic' here? As it does mean the 'study of', it just doesn't seem to fit.

6.( “I was the type of man who was always working –I was a gynaecologist by the way– with zero time for anything else and it wasn’t my idea of a happy life.” ) Use present tense here. Suggestion: maybe explain a little more of what is his idea of a happy life, that he wanted to travel, see new things, experience new things, and so on....Whatever your character needs to be happy.

7. (God knows she was difficult to work with for her social worker.) what does this sentence mean, (for her social worker)?

8. (The earlier than early start was...) Consider 'The earlier than normal start...'

9. (His hand slapped onto the edge of craggy rock, the sound echoing in the silence, and she watched unable to help as he fumbled around for something to grab hold of. Stretching, she captured his hand in hers and was able to guide it to the rocks far edge.) She was unable but then she stretched and was able, I don't want to sound critical, but which was it? (With one swift movement he swung from rock to rock, dangling precariously over the edge. He exhaled the breath he must have been holding in for long seconds.) I cannot picture this at all. Did he swing from one rock to another, with his feet on the rocks? if so, he would not have been (dangling precariously) if he swung from one rock to the other with his hand...that would account for the 'dangling' but I still do not understand this paragraph.

10.(The view from the top of the mountain of plains and plains of deserted desert as far as the eye could see with the occasional rocky outbreak was worth the few steps taken on unsteady legs) Suggested example: At the top of the mountain, the view of the desert plains was as far as the eye could see; only an occasional rocky outbreak broke the magnificent vastness spread out before them.


11. ("Winners need to be reckless," he omitted seconds later.) I think you did not mean to use the word 'omitted' here.


I found the theme of the story most interesting. I am sorry that I missed the earlier chapters, but even with that, a story was told that I enjoyed reading, in fact, I could not stop reading. You did an excellent job of holding my attention and looking forward to what was going to happen next. I give you 4 and 1/2 stars. A few simple changes to make the flow better, a couple questionable words, but no real mistakes that can't be corrected quickly. I do not think I found even one misspelled word. Keep writing


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by tsila1777
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
You wrote this story very well, and the ending was so much unexpected that it sent chills and shivers down my spine. I found where you used a few semicolons that may have been better to end the sentence or use a comma. I cannot tell my favorite lines, without giving away the ending. It started out a bit slow, but as I read on, I understood the purpose of that.

A couple lines were in passive voice,
by the time the fifth body was wheeled in

and I have been put through the ringer for using passive voice, they say it weakens the story.

The plot was interesting and the characters real. Your setting was easy to picture, I could see the story as I was reading it. In my opinion, it is ready to publish.

Excellent post, keep writing.
Tsila
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