I loved it. One problem. If you are going to use punctuation in the poem, put in the correct places. When you read a poem, the commas essentially mark a stopping or breathing spot. Poems are not to be punctuation correct, except in the regard stated above. Other than that, I loved it. Thank you for letting me read it.
I hope that you plan to go on with this piece. It is very good. The story ends abrubtly. I get the feeling that it is a chapther of a book, or a short story beginning.
There are too many line breaks in my opinion. Some is good, but I think you use too many. I didn't see any syntax errors.
Very good job. Bravo.
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