Great story! I think you are definitely addressing a relevant issue today. I think I most appreciated the character's attitude as it is probably like that of the majority-somewhat cautious, but wanting to be a part of the cutting edge. What made this story real to me was the extra details that didn't necessarily need to be there, but really added to the believability of it all-Courtney's death, the "phantom tweets", his first download. Thanks for this insightful look into the modern reliance on technology.
Great writing! The narration painted a clear picture of the protagonist, while the dialogue of the men was enough to paint their picture. The action was fast paced and tense. There were one or two sentences that could be improved. For example, " I waited until they reached me, holding myself perfectly still as the man who seemed to be their leader (and the one who had gone first with the girl on the floor) came near and was doing my best to put fear on my face." It's long and confusing as you switch subjects (or something) in the middle but then return to the original subject. But overall, impressive writing! Write on!
Awesome! I love how you integrated a philosophical aspect to the story. Asimov's writings often (if not always) had some thoughts on robots and their ability or desire to do things that are 'right'. Interesting irony there, calling the zoo-prision "Caves of Steel". Anyways, great work! I really enjoyed reading this!
General Impression: Wow! You have a great story here! It's chilling and yet vivid. There are some things that could be cleaned up, but the foundation is there for your story to bloom into something awesome.
I really liked the ending. It seems to fit the story without being boringly predictable. You also use good imagery to show instead of describing events that happen.
Just some little suggestions that might help your story flow smoother: "The dance floor was crowded with undulating bodies of my fellow peers."- I think it would sound better if you put the between 'with' and 'undulating'.
"I wished I'd have just worn the simple red dress, one that made my curves visible."- Doesn't make sense like this, so I recommend putting the before 'one that made my curves visible.'
"The disco ball dress I wore then, only made me look straight, like a ruler."- I think it'd make more sense to say The disco ball dress I wore NOW only made me look straight, like a ruler.
"I wished to go home,"-Either I wanted to go home or I wished I could go home would sound better in my opinion.
"my lungs cried a sonatra that started up my involuntary response."- I'm not sure what you're trying to say.
"couldn't tell which, but I didn't want either."- should be I couldn't tell which, but I didn't want TO either.
"and to not seem to conspicuous to the dancers"- should be and to not seem TOO conspicious...
"but they were too engrossed with the waltz of their tongues than the girl making a complete fool of herself."- I would suggest either changing it to they were too engrossed with the waltz of their tongues TO NOTICE the girl... or they were MORE engrossed with the waltz of their tongues than the girl...
"Every curve was visible, those, and the slight formation of love handles on her sides."- Did you mean Every curve was visible, though...?
Your first and last paragraphs were kind of long. It might make it easier to read if you break them up a bit.
A cute little story, I really enjoyed it. It made me laugh at humanity with its curiousity, love of chance and attempts to hide their 'dirty little secrets'. You portray the family really well- I feel like I know more about them than you ever revealed.
I really liked how you put a story into so little words without seemingly cutting out anything or any awkwardness in the flow of the story and sentences. And your use of dialogue is very well done.
Definitely an unexpected ending. I was prepared for a ghost, an insane asylum, but not that. Good job!
"I slid into the drivers seat, a soft white leather,"- this seems a little awkward to me. I would suggest changing it to 'I slid into the driver's seat OF soft white leather,'.
"I’m wearing the clothes you bought me for my birthday"- Maybe change from 'clothes' to 'outfit' so it sounds better :)
"Watch me me fall and touch the ground."- I think you made a mistake in here somewhere, but I'm not sure what you're trying to say so I can't suggest anything to change it.
Your poem is pretty good, especially towards the beginning. Sometimes the rhythm of the poem is a bit awkward, but for most parts it's good. My favorite lines are probably the last four because it's true for most girls and it's kind of like a summary of what a princess is (or what we think a princess is.) Good job! Keep writing!
Your poem has good flow and nice rhythm. The emotion is real, and your thoughts are expressed very clearly. I think it's just about a summary of all that love is. Actually, I thought it sounded like it'd be good for song lyrics. Good job, and keep writing!
Good poem! Your poem flows well from one line to the next. And you have good word choices to fully express the exact feelings of the person. Your atmosphere of lingering, sadness and knowing she's going to miss the piano is well done. Write on!
A good story. The way you created the mood is good. I liked the atmosphere of the bar and the seperatedness of the stranger. My favourite part is probably the way you portray Death. Most stories have him as a blood-thirsty, skeletal, sinister image. But you make him just an ordinary man, kind and lonely who reluctantly does his job. It's nice to have a fresh view on things. I've put done just a few technical (spelling, grammar, typing mistakes, etc) errors to help your story be clearer. Great job!!!
"comeings" should just be 'comings' without the 'e'.
"ceilling" should be 'ceiling' with only one 'l'.
"Grown men bowed up to each other chest to chest" what does this mean?
"he saw ayoung barmaid." Needs space between 'a' and 'young'.
"watching until she was out of site" "site" should be 'sight'.
Well, um, I think this poem is about... beautiful scenery :) Maybe it's about before a storm? Or, uh, cavemen living in caverns? I confess I'm not sure what you're writing about either. Your imagery is good, depicting the scene well, if a little confusingly. Sometimes it's hard to tell what you're trying to say, or talk about. Perhaps if you ever find out what it's about, you can make it clearer and better. Good job!
A very potent, if short poem. You've got a good image of the leaves with their cackling. Just the words 'old' and 'cackling' conjures up a carpet of dry, dead, brown, rustling leaves under autumn trees. You have a good contrast since the lovers are happy and blissful, but then the leaves are somber and slightly malicious with their truthful but dreadful warning. Good job!
I like your theme of what could've been. It's something we don't think about a lot when you consider the many different ways things could've turned out. I like your imagery with the trees being like friends outside this realm (I'm not sure if that makes sense). And you have a way with words that make your phrases and sentences fresh- "and became old friends, just met.", "Knowing we knew what the live oaks know," and "Touches missed, misses touched only by regrets not known." were probably my favourites.
I guess what I don't like about your excerpt and poem is that it doesn't make perfect sense. The excerpt is understandably hazy for those who haven't read the rest of your story. But the poem leaves me feeling slightly lost. I think I get the general idea, but towards the end of the poem I wasn't sure what you were talking about anymore. Some lines I had to read more than once to understand what you were trying to say.
"Though all our gifts of life were given, the gift of us/came round again in a dance; a dance of balance.
Knowing we knew what the live oaks know,/that time was ours no matter what or if, we vowed to stay.
"What is a long, intricate, intimate dance together where nothing matters/more than our own sense of balance and choice of partner? "
In the meaning of the Bloom, a single word.
But for you and me: it is us."
These were probably the lines I found most befuddling. Anyways, hoped I helped!
Wow, this was heavy reading! I admit I had to reread most of it, and there were some concepts I gave up on trying to understand. There were also some words used that I did not understand. However, I think that's probably my fault.
This piece is highly intellectual. It uses good logic and reasoning, has informative footnotes, and a very educated vocabulary. It's more of a scientific paper than casual reading, but I enjoyed it and agree with most of the reasoning. I think this is a great piece and I'm glad I read it.
In your 2nd and 10th paragraph, you used wording that is very similar. I don't know if it's deliberate, but I would suggest changing it a second time so you can explain the concept in another way. For me, I didn't get it the first time, so when you said it the second time I still didn't understand it. If you changed it to another way of explaining it, it might help readers understand it better.
2nd para- "The implication that follows from the presupposition that empirical proofs can be true is that human reason can produce genuine insight into the way things really are, rather than merely absurdly guess at existence from a purely subjective standpoint.
10th para- "that human reason (by which all science is ascertained) can produce a genuine insight into the way things really are, rather than absurdly guess at existence from a purely subjective standpoint."
Also, in your first footnote, you have "sown" instead of "shown". Small thing, but I thought you'd like to know.
Anyways, good job on this piece! It's kind of tough to get through, but it's worth it. Write on!
Pretty good poem. It's pretty clear what your trying to say, except the last stanza which I'm not sure I understand. How can morning, noon and night fill obsessions? And are you asking her to impose her will over yours, saying 'your mind needs suppression'? Otherwise, your poem has a good flow and rhythm. Good job!
Nice poem! Your rhythm is really good and the poem flows well. However, I'm not sure I understand the poem. It seems that someone who believed in something found out it wasn't true. But I'm not sure what is the remaining grace. Good job, otherwise.
Good job on the acrostic! It's hard to write as well when there are limitations like an ascrotic has, but you do a good job. The poem makes sense, and relates to the name well. Some of the phrasing is awkward, but that's to be expected in with the limitations. The most obvious one to me is "Arriving is spring". And is it enlightenment to plant a tree? Maybe that just comes from a different worldview than mine. Good job!
A lovely piece. The emotion is heartfelt and one falls into the character of the artist. However, the ending seems odd and unfinished. It seems like a break while the author gets a cup of coffee before they resume. What happens to the girl? Why did she run? Who is C. E. M.? What does the artist do?
Also, in the third paragraph, you suddenly switch to present tense instead of past tense. I would suggest keeping the entire piece in one tense. Otherwise, good job!
Interesting. I don't really write or read haikus, but this seems good in my opinion. The 'earth born' is slightly vague, as breezes don't really come from the earth (ground). And is there a reason that zephyr is capitalized? It's good imagery though. Like a breezy summer day where the leaves in the trees are rustling, birds are twittering, and everything seems right. The title also seems a bit vague, since there is nothing about singing leaves in the poem. The birds sing, and the leaves wave but there's nothing about leaves singing. Overall, good job!
The flow of the poem is good, but I'm not sure what you're trying to say. Your words are very good. I liked elastic, dewy, primordial, genesis and sacrament. They are unusual words to use and are therefore effective. Good job!
Some little technical mistakes:
"My breath runs cold and strangelY I feel Im not alone" Your "I'm" needs an apostrophe.
"I Am shooken but I reside in my still form" Were you trying to say 'shaken'?
"pale skin touched with black lace" Is that describe you or your dark angel?
"for we werent evil" Weren't needs an apostrophe.
"For we were gorgeous mistakes" Unusual use of hte word gorgeous. But I'm not sure what you were trying to imply with that.
I like how you put My Dark Angel Of The Night within the poem. It adds interest and tells who/what you're talking about without being obvious. I got confused at the 6th stanza. Why does night separate you if he is of the night? Why does heaven and hell take either of you?
A very expressive poem, but I got lost in that second to last verse. Otherwise, good job!
Beautiful piece! I can understand everything you say, and agree with it all too! Though I had heard that separation of church and state wasn't actually constitutional, but only the private opinion of Jefferson in a letter. The writing flows well and is very expressive. I get the mood of frustration and reflection that seems to prevade this piece.
I liked "paradox of ingenuitive ignorance" since it uses words that aren't simple, but completely understandable. In fact, I like the words that you used. Words such as ingrained and glorified which I think suit the occasion very well. "We trade bullets more often than we trade cultures" is a successful phrase that makes you feel rueful that it is this way.
Some technical errors: "I recently read an article on the use (overuse?) of america" (first sentence), "This also brings to mind the nickname for america" (near end of 1st para.), "Around the world america" (mid of 2nd para.) America needs to be capitalized in these sentences.
"I'll leav the original meaning of the term for future" (end of 1st para.) Needs an 'e' in 'leave'.
"We trade bullets more often than we trade cultures and yet this mass of ideas is swimming here as if we were the original Akademy." (end of 2nd para.) Academy is spelled with a 'c' where you have a 'k'.
Overall, good job! I think the reader gets a very good idea of what you're trying to say (I did). Write on!
P.H.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/uka_bookworm
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.23 seconds at 1:37am on May 07, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
Thanks for the read! 
General Impression: Wow! You have a great story here! It's chilling and yet vivid. There are some things that could be cleaned up, but the foundation is there for your story to bloom into something awesome.
I really liked the ending. It seems to fit the story without being boringly predictable. You also use good imagery to show instead of describing events that happen.
Just some little suggestions that might help your story flow smoother:
"The dance floor was crowded with undulating bodies of my fellow peers."- I think it would sound better if you put the between 'with' and 'undulating'.
