I have to say its a nice piece, but there is one thing id change.
1. your rhythm over all is very well maintained but there are a few lines that i think need some work i will list those lines below.
Stanza 1 Line 1, honestly this line doesn't seem necessary to me i understand why you have it but i think if you are to keep it, it would need more relevance to the main point or flow but as it is now it doesn't have either.
Stanza 1 Line 4, this line is good and dose have a point but the last 1/4 of the line needs some work it feels a bit clunky
Stanza 2 Line 4, once again this line is important and well started but the ending needs some work also if you could make it rhyme with door it would be that much better.
Stanza 3, this whole stanza needs a little work here and there nothing major just some better word choices maybe
Stanza 4 Line 1, change on to of
Stanza 4 Line 2, lose the so
honestly i gave this poem a 3.5 but if you could change even just a few of those issues (assuming you agree with me of course) then i think it would be a solid 4 or 4.5
I have to say i really enjoyed your poem, not only did you create a work of art that imparts a great visual but you also force the reader to view their own trial and tribulation from this poems point of view. Truthfully told i do not see many people who have the skill that you do. That being said i do have a few things to say about how you might be able to take it to that next level.
1. The third line in your first stanza seems almost to be the commentary from the angel on your shoulder for a moment. At first when i read that line i was stunned thinking that this poem would be set up in a dueling banjos kind of way where each side alternates lines and the reader decides who to side with. Now obviously this is not what you continued to do with your poem but i think that giving the opposition equal time in your poem not only entices the reader to venture deeper into the meanings of each line but adds a climactic appeal to the work. Now with all of that being said pulling it off would be very difficult most that would try it would alternate stanzas but there in lies the problem if you do it that way you lose the feeling of the chase that inspires the reader, but you are truly talented with the pen so i believe you could accomplish that task and in doing so you would make a work of art that would be very impressive indeed.
2. I think that you may have held yourself back a bit in your writing. When reading your work i felt as though at any moment you would completely give in to the piece and stop self censoring, but unfortunately you never did i do not know what may have caused this if it is true but try to remember you do not write for the readers you write for you and that is why the readers like it.
All in all a great piece and i hope to read more of your work soon.
I read the entire story and i have to say that it is a well thought out and extremely versatile piece of work, i mean reading it i could picture it being a poem or a song or even to extend it into a novel or even a movie. Now with that being said i do think that there are some things that would make me like it more, firstly you spent a lot of time trying to create tension for the climax but it felt kinda forced and held back like when you were writing it you really just wanted to tell us he was dead but kept fighting off that urge, i think that if you were to go back over and re write it it would have a more relaxed feeling from the writer rather then a straining rushed feeling. Also i think that you should make it a bit longer not necessarily continue past the end point but add more in the middle after he wakes up and before he sees his wife, add some context clues that show us hes dead before he finds out, that way were with the writer trying to lead him to the right path rather then following behind him trying to piece it together that way when he dose discover it its more of a climactic moment then a moment of acceptance. Other then those few small changes id say you wrote a great story and i think you have a good deal of talent in writing.
your poem is awesome honestly it has rhythm, flow, and a respectable deeper meaning. i have only been on this site for about two days and i have only reviewed about 5 poems so far and yours is by far the best. i think that with this piece of work you did 3 big things right.
1. you paid attention to stresses and syllables
2. you paid attention to the way the lines flowed off your tong
3. you wrote about something you feel passionate about
now with all that being said there is one thing i would have changed the line Just the same i would change to one in the same i think it flows a little better and rhymes better with a treacherous game in my opinion
thank you for posting your poem and i hope to read your work again soon
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