Very well-written, interesting but really depressing story. You do a great job of conveying how hopeless John is. He's a little bit of a stereotypical wimp, but that's passable. (overweight, low-wage job, lives with his mom, plays online RPGs all the time). It was definitely worth reading though, and I can't think of anything critical to add. Good job!
Not bad. You do a good job of building up suspense. It is glaringly apparent that the two of them don't trust each other and it's easy to see why their marriage didn't work. It is really entertaining that the two of them are surreptitiously trying to kill each other.
A couple of things didn't work for me. I saw a lot of grammar and punctuation errors that were a little distracting from the story. It's also unrealistic that this Belinda woman admitted to a complete stranger that she shot her boyfriend. It's good foreshadowing for sure, but not entirely believable.
Good story, super interesting. It took me until the end to realize that Lucy had killed the guy though, and had to re-read most of the rest to fully understand. I can't think of anything aside from that that could be improved upon. I like your concept of Adam and the Apple and the setting a lot, though.
If I had not read the description I would have had no idea what this story was actually about. Numerous spelling and grammar errors and misuse of words (approach's, for instance) One stuck out at me in paragraph 3 "Then quietness (did you mean silence?), so still, so claim (calm?). A lot of your sentences aren't complete. Most of the errors here are things that spellchecking could probably fix.
This story is also sorely lacking structure. Who is the narrator? Who is speaking to "you"? Some scorned lover? This is too abstract and a little cliche. What I got out of it was "Your lover left you so either you or they are going to hell"? Is that right?
Your story was pretty interesting. Michael Reeve and his situation were cool. I like how you personified the house itself along with the poltergist inside it. I do see some room for improvement, though. The formatting needs work, and especially at the beginning some of your paragraphs are one sentence long even without dialogue. Paragraphs should be longer than 1-2 sentences. Overall good though.
Undoubtedly one of the most well-written and thought-provoking pieces of literature I have read outside a college classroom. This is absolutely amazing.
Interesting story. Raven isn't a very likable character, being a shady, shallow asshole who only seems to care for Sonal for sex. You did a good job of making him unlikable, but I have to say it makes it hard for me to feel sorry for him at the end when she breaks it off with him and he's in the car with his dead friend. The story was slightly confusing and a little disjointed. I suggest working in descriptions rather than tacking them on later when they aren't really relevant to the story. It was alright, though.
This is a very interesting story and I liked it a lot. Your writing style is excellent and kept me captivated from the first word to the last. Your plot is good and your characters are engaging and believable. Good job :)
This story seems to have a little bit of trouble getting started. Every time I think that something itneresting is going to happen, you bog me down with meaningless details that aren't really relevant to what is going on. This is an example that came to mind-
<b>I stepped onto the porch which had two chairs on it and a little plastic table. </b>
Unless your character is going to sit in one, the details tend to distract from the story. I am more interested in what your character is seeing, feeling, and what is happening to them than what might be sitting in front of the house and otherwise irrelevant to the story.. It isn't all bad, though. There is some nice imagery here with the water and the setting sun and heading out into the ocean.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/vandaera
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.21 seconds at 1:02am on Apr 30, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
