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26
26
Review of Deceived  
Review by vince
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
For use by Simply Positive Newbie Reviewers

Hi Mariu

I read your nicely written poem twice. It appears there are two people. Both are weeping" How long will I have to weep?/ How long will you have to weep? I you think of the reader, the next time you revise this poem. Ask yourself.
Does my reader, know who or what the characters are. Sour it tastes, Sour as a bad feeling, or sour in actual taste.

Keep writing and sharing with your WDC friends

Sincerely
Vince *Smile*.

Deceived

~~~~*Sad*~~~~

Sour it tastes
But the feeling they bring is sweet
My precious flower,
How long will you have to weep?
~~~~*Sad*~~~~
Without the blade
this pain is incomplete
If only I had stayed…
How long will I have to weep?
~~~~*Sad*~~~~
The mistake I’ll always repeat
Your tears mark my deceit.
How long will you have to weep?
You have not gotten any sleep.
~~~~*Sad*~~~~
Your fading steps marked the beat
I’ll soon accept defeat
Not yet, since sour it tastes
and the feeling it not yet so sweet.
~~~~*Sad*~~~~
by: Mariu
27
27
Review of Silent Love  
Review by vince
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Image ID #1518015 Unavailable **

Hi Bwitched

         I am reading a poem describing a person who is caring and sincere, but stricken with much self doubt and inner pain. If their negative energy were to be reversed, and directed toward their positive goals, they would be surprised at their accomplishments. I am speaking of the person that is the focus of your poem, and not its author. ' I am smiling to myself as I type'...does that makes any sense?

I think it is well written and I must say, thank you for sharing. I would like to suggest my way of adding visual-spin, to your poem. Use my style, if you care to. or, disregard it entirely or in parts. I use

Sincerely
Vince. J. Arcuri
~~~~*Smile*~~~~




SILENT LOVE

~~~~*Leaf3*~~~~

So silent are the tears
Running down my cheek
I tried to be so strong
But now I feel so weak
~~~~*Leaf2*~~~~
I want to drop to my knees
And scream my sorrows away
But regardless of the pain inside
I still have to face the day
~~~~*Leaf4*~~~~
I feel so lost and helpless
I feel so cold and alone
All these feelings are raging in my head
Despite my smile or tone
~~~~*Leaf5*~~~~
You deserve the heavens
But I can only give you this
And a letter of love
That’s sealed with a kiss
~~~~*Leaf1*~~~~
Now I’m going to say good-bye
And let you be who you want to be
But a part of me will always be waiting
And loving you with a depth you’ll never see.

~~~~*Heart*~~~~

by Bwitchd3


WritingML and all!): Entry #2
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
28
28
Review of mothers love  
Review by vince
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
** Image ID #1518002 Unavailable **

Hi Dawson

         A compassionately written poem for a sensitively subject. It appears to be composed for the heart. I will not attempt to change any wording or punctuation. I will only add some visual-spin to enhance presentation. Just a suggestion. Use it if you care to. Or disregard all or part.

Well written, and thank you for sharing your work.

Keep writing.

Sincerely
Vince~~*Smile*~~~*Pencil*~~~



~~~*Heart*~~~

MOTHERS LOVE

~~~*Gingerbread*~~~~

Don't fear what you can't see,

Only your faith will set you free.

your unborn child you may never know.

but your love for it will always grow.

the choice is yours, yours alone to make.

~~~*Gingerbread*~~~~

who shall enter heavens gate.

you have children at home who need you there.

the choice you have to make is so unfair.

~~~*Gingerbread*~~~~

There are always angels at your side,

speak of your burden let god decide.

who shall stay and who shall go.

somethings we should never know.

~~~*Heart*~~~~

{b}by~~Dawson~~
29
29
Review of Every Time  
Review by vince
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
For use by Simply Positive Newbie Reviewers

Review by: Vince~*Smile*


Hi Critter.

         Your words had been carefully chosen to represent a vision in your minds eye. The 'free form style' poem is well written.
As an observer my question would be: Each sentence that ends a thought with a comma (,) should/could, start with a lowercase letter, example: 'It took a hundred miles, But we counted only a few feet. Would the, But, look better, as, but?
I will leave that up to you. It is your writing. What, I did, was to add some, 'visual-spin.' Just a suggestion, use it as you care to. Or, discard it or parts of it as you desire. I use the WDC, ML in the WDC tools, located in the left web site column.

Keep up the good writing.Thank you for sharing.

Vince~*Smile*




EVERYTIME

~~~~*Heart*~~~~

It took a hundred miles,
But we counted only a few feet.
The moment worth a thousand words,
Although we paid only a few.
We come closer and closer now,
the breeze pushing us together.
A trace, a hint, nothing more.

~~~~*Heart*~~~~

We're face to face,
I take your hand,
I pull you in close,
I place your hand on my chest,
To witness the tempest within.

~~~~*Heart*~~~~

A smile, a shudder, a whispered thought.
'This is what I feel every time you are near'.

~~*Heart*~I pull you in closer.~*Heart*~~

The smell of your hair, a discovery.
The touch of your lips, a fantasy.
The taste of your life, a reality.
The feel of your body, a pleasure.
The sight of your thoughts, all I need.

~~~~*Heart*~~~~

Somewhere, there's a voice, a plea, a whisper,
Holding on for dear life with the tips of my fingers,
In a grip that's stronger than steel or chains.
Perhaps not everytime,

~~~~*Heart*~~~~

But for here, for now,
And until we come back down to Earth,
This is where I need to be.
It's this way, this time.

~~~~*Heart*~~~~

by: ~~ Critter ~~
30
30
Review of My gentle promise  
Review by vince
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1518015 Unavailable **

Hi Chukwuezue Nnabuike

I had to read it twice to see the hidden beauty of your, free form, poem. Very will thought out and written. Thank you for sharing your feelings.
I changed one word. you to your strange sounds utter. ... I also am suggesting a visual-spin. Use what you wish, or delete and disregard.

Sincerely
Vince

~~~*Ornament3S*~~~




My gentle promise

~~~~*Heart*~~~~

Though your tongue 's hidden
In the pit of your belly;
Before the ears of the mortal,
Your strange sounds utter...

~~~~*Heart*~~~~

But the truth of your noisy silence I gather
Through volumes of unspoken words
In the radiance of your eyes
And passion of your lips

~~~~*Heart*~~~~

I bow before my gentle promise
And remind you of my spoken words;
''I won't say goodbye
Until my dying breath..."
This I swear

~~~~*Heart*~~~~

by~~~Chukwuezue Nnabuike
31
31
Review by vince
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
** Image ID #1518002 Unavailable **

~~~~*Ornament2R*~~~~


Hi Sherri
I thought I'd stick my nose into your nicely composed poem. I will try to put some Visual-Spin on it. Just my suggestion arrogance at work...of course. You are free to keep-or-delete.< Not bad.



~~~~*Ornament2R*~~~~

Eight reindeer on the right track.
Why couldn't Santa deliver his pack?
Usually careful, the deer did stray.
That's how Santa lost his way.

~~~~*Ornament2R*~~~~

The reindeer were distracted by a heavenly glow;
the falling masses of icy sleet and snow.
Santa was worried the gifts would fail to be delivered,
the brisk air so cold that even he shivered.

~~~~*Ornament2R*~~~~

He knew he could not disappoint the children;
that the deer must follow the right path again.
Determined there would not be tears Christmas day,
Santa urged the reindeer to head the right way.

~~~~*Ornament2R*~~~~

He laughed with joy when they followed his command,
and on thousands of rooftops they finally did land.
The weather cleared on this special day,
and jolly Saint Nicholas found his way.

~~~~*Ornament2R*~~~~

Merry Christmas to all, he did shout,
as he and the deer made their way out.
Joyful that they had reached their goal,
they headed back to the North Pole.

~~~~*Ornament2R*~~~~

SherriG
32
32
Review of Trapped  
Review by vince
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1518003 Unavailable **

Hi SCflute

Well thought out and laid out poem. I read it twice to get the mood. I show my arrogance by attempting to create a visual spin on writing, especially with poems. It is just my suggestion. Feel free to keep or delete it as you wish. Keep writing and sharing your art.

Vince





~~~*Ornament3S*~~~

Trapped

In this relationship

In this friendship

In this room

~~~*Ornament3S*~~~

Trapped

Can’t get away

Can’t get out

Can’t escape

~~~*Ornament3S*~~~

Trapped

No way out

No hope

No help

~~~*Ornament3S*~~~

Stuck

With the way you treat me

With the abuse

With the pain

~~~*Ornament3S*~~~

Stuck

Only with myself

Only with those who can see in

Only with you

~~~*Ornament3S*~~~

Stuck

Feeling depressed

Feeling alone

Feeling hurt

~~~*Ornament3S*~~~

Wishing

To be set free

To be done

To die

~~~*Ornament3S*~~~

Wishing

Everything to stop

Everything to be done

Everything to freeze

~~~*Ornament3S*~~~

Wishing

You would leave me alone

You would give up

You would let me go

~~~*Ornament3S*~~~

Walls

Closing in

Closing down

Closing around

~~~*Ornament3S*~~~

Walls

Crushing in

Crushing everything

Crushing me

~~~*Ornament3S*~~~

Walls

Keeping me from family

Keeping me from happiness

Keeping me from him

~~~*Ornament3S*~~~

Broken

Is my heart

Is my trust

Is my faith

~~~*Ornament3S*~~~

Broken

Is the window

Is the light

Is the electricity

~~~*Ornament3S*~~~

Broken

Down

Arm

Everywhere

~~~*Ornament3S*~~~

Trapped

Can’t escape

Can’t get away

Can’t be free

~~~*Ornament3S*~~~

SCflute
33
33
Review of Black Hair  
Review by vince
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
{image # 1518002}

Hi D.r MeGan

In the creation of your poem, 'Black Hair,' you captured a snapshot of love ones near and dear. It is unfortunate they are no longer with you. They lived and were loved. Leaving you with cherished memories. I am attempting to enhance the poems visual gracefulness..

Vince

~~~~*Heart*~~~~

With your small face

and wispy black hair turning grey.

You stood by my cot

watching over me,

protecting me.



Your thin frail frame

masked by a heavy coat.

You'd sit by me and keep me warm.

You could make me laugh

without saying a word.

~~~~*Heart*~~~~

The doctors visits

became more frequent.

Then one day...you collapsed.

Your wispy black hair matted

as they shipped you to help.

~~~~*Heart*~~~~

My whole family loved you

Particularly my granddad

So much that,Fifi,

when you left for good,

so did he. ...

~~~~*Heart*~~~~

D.r MeGan

34
34
Review by vince
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Image ID #1518002 Unavailable **

Hi Khaki
Two simple and pleasant Haikus (modern form) poems. They are to give a visual impression without the need to rhyme.

Vince*Smile*

~~~~<O>~~~~

I see trees

Wearing colorful charms,

posing in pure form.

(Modern Form)

~~~~<O>~~~~


Neighboring trees

Each bending to touch.

Are growing in harmony.

(Modern Form)
~~~~<O>~~~~
Khaki
35
35
Review of Paper World.  
Review by vince
Rated: E | (4.0)
{image # 1518002}

Khaki
Here is my attempt to render your 55 word poem. Keep what you wish and delete what you desire. It is just my suggestion.

Vince

Paper World
~~~~<O>~~~~
His child lay in intensive care with Cardiomyopathy.
He sat outside and could only pray.
~~~~<O>~~~~
From the vale of relations he passed helplessly.
Hope faded from his world.
Have I lived in a world with paper bonds? He inquired within.
~~~~<O>~~~~
Turning to the sky he wore an empty smile.
He saw God was smiling too.

~~~~<O>~~~~
Khaki
36
36
Review by vince
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Image ID #1518004 Unavailable **

Hi Scott:
A lovely poem filled with the many wonders of being human. Oh to be any age and on the fringe of...shall we call it love?
Very well written, there were a word or two that could be corrected. Forgive my 'arrogance', if I take the liberty of attempting to enhance the visual appeal. See my attempt below, I will not change your original written poem meaning. This is just a suggestion, use it, or delete what you do not want.


the day seemed oh so normal
the sun was in the clear sky
she came to my door
i jumped down the stairs

i greeted her with a smil
oh such an euphoria
i nervously walked down the block
my heart beating fast

we walked and talked
we laughed and giggled
we got to the house
we went to meet our friends

there was nothing to do
so games we played
truth or dare time
my heart beat faster

truths came out
dares went by
my turn, I look her in the eye
and swallow the lump in my throat

i look 'cross the room to see her there
that's when I knew I'd say dare
I dared seven minutes in heaven
to my surprise she didn't resist

we went down the hall
heart beating so fast, I'd thought id fall
there we were so i looked in her eyes
and tears of joy came to mine

there we kisses and fireworks went
the best day of my life
right there in my arms
then I asked the question I've been waiting

months ago I've wanted to say
"will you go out with me"
the world stopped as I waited for reply
then she said yes

I cried the tears of joy
and pulled her close
shes perfect
this was the greatest day


~~~~<O>~~~~
The day seemed oh so normal
the sun was in the clear sky.
she came to my door
I jumped down the stairs
~~~~<O>~~~~
I greeted her with a smile
oh such an euphoria
I nervously walked down the block
my heart beating fast.
~~~~<O>~~~~
We walked and talked
We laughed and giggled
We got to the house
We went to meet our friends
~~~~<O>~~~~
There was nothing to do
so games we played.
Truth or dare time
my heart beat faster.
~~~~<O>~~~~
Truths came out dares went by.
My turn came and I swallowed the lump in my throat.
~~~~<O>~~~~
I looked across the room to see her there.
I looked into her eyes
that's when I knew I'd say dare.
I dared seven minutes in heaven
to my surprise she didn't resist
~~~~<O>~~~~
We went down the hall
hearts beating so fast, I thought I'd fall.
There we were so I looked in her eyes
and tears of joy came to mine
~~~~<O>~~~~
There we kissed and fireworks burst.
The best day of my life, she was
right there in my arms.
Then, I asked the question I've waited for.
~~~~<O>~~~~
Months ago I've wanted to say
"will you go out with me"
The world stopped...as I waited.
She replied...and said yes.
~~~~<O>~~~~
I cried the tears of joy
and pulled her close
she's perfect.
This was my greatest day.

~~~~<O>~~~~

Scott


Keep up the great writing.
Vince.*Smile*
37
37
Review by vince
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Image ID #1518002 Unavailable **

Hi Rushabh

Your poems subject is one that is always welcome. Your inner feelings show through your rendering. These are your feelings transcribed into the written word. I will try to bring it to visual life. Just my suggestions of course. so do as you wish with my humble enhancements.

See my enhancements below your original work. Keep Writing my friend.

You wrote:
~~~~<O>~~~~

My Love, My Lord...!



Can I ask?

My treasured Lord

About my relation

With my angel,

My bona-fide love!

How these days

Of our relation!

It’s truly irresistible

Afar the expectation

Far our pain,

We are close

But truly missing

Eyes are wet

With red tears,

My Heart craves

It’s on fire,

I am wordless

Being her poet

Can I ask?

Or she understand

Me; my life...?

Its idle lord

You made us,

And our relations

Can I ask?

Are we together?

Why this catastrophe?

Why we don’t...?

I truly miss

Her soothing arms...!

I truly miss

Her affectionate kiss...!

Her benign touch

To my hope...!

My sunrise breathe

Is her windfall...!

Can I ask?

For her, Lord!

I need her

Almighty, I implore!



-by Rushabh 9/6/2010


My suggestions using WDC ML coding and poem formatting. Use them if you wish.

~~~~<O>~~~~

My Love, My Lord...!



Can I ask?

My treasured Lord, about my relation with my angel,

my bona-fide love! How these days of our relation!

It’s truly irresistible afar the expectation, far our pain,

we are close but truly missing. Eyes are wet with red

tears, my heart craves. It’s on fire and I am wordless.

~~~~<O>~~~~

Being her poet can I ask...? Or she understands me;

my life...?

Its ideal lord. You made us and our relations. Can I ask?

Are we together? Why this catastrophe? Why we don’t...?

~~~~<O>~~~~

I truly miss her soothing arms...!

I truly miss Her affectionate kiss...!

Her benign touch to my hope...! My sunrise breathe

is her windfall...! Can I ask? For her, Lord!

I need her, Almighty. I implore!

~~~~<O>~~~~

by Rushabh 9/6/2010


Keep Writing. Vince
38
38
Review by vince
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Rushabh

Your poems subject is one that is always welcome. Your inner feelings show through your rendering. These are your feelings transcribed into the written word. I will try to bring it to visual life. Just my suggestions of course. so do as you wish with my humble enhancements.

See my enhancements below your original work. Keep Writing my friend.

~~~~<O>~~~~

My Love, My Lord...!



Can I ask?

My treasured Lord

About my relation

With my angel,

My bona-fide love!

How these days

Of our relation!

It’s truly irresistible

Afar the expectation

Far our pain,

We are close

But truly missing

Eyes are wet

With red tears,

My Heart craves

It’s on fire,

I am wordless

Being her poet

Can I ask?

Or she understand

Me; my life...?

Its idle lord

You made us,

And our relations

Can I ask?

Are we together?

Why this catastrophe?

Why we don’t...?

I truly miss

Her soothing arms...!

I truly miss

Her affectionate kiss...!

Her benign touch

To my hope...!

My sunrise breathe

Is her windfall...!

Can I ask?

For her, Lord!

I need her

Almighty, I implore!



-by Rushabh 9/6/2010

~~~~<O>~~~~

My Love, My Lord...!



Can I ask?

My treasured Lord, about my relation with my angel,

my bona-fide love! How these days of our relation!

It’s truly irresistible afar the expectation, far our pain,

we are close but truly missing. Eyes are wet with red

tears, my heart craves. It’s on fire and I am wordless.

~~~~<O>~~~~

Being her poet can I ask...? Or she understands me;

my life...?

Its ideal lord. You made us and our relations. Can I ask?

Are we together? Why this catastrophe? Why we don’t...?

~~~~<O>~~~~

I truly miss her soothing arms...!

I truly miss Her affectionate kiss...!

Her benign touch to my hope...! My sunrise breathe

is her windfall...! Can I ask? For her, Lord!

I need her, Almighty. I implore!

~~~~<O>~~~~

-by Rushabh 9/6/2010


39
39
Review of Paper World.  
Review by vince
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Khaki

Smilingsun ask me to look at your 55 word story. There was only 49 words. Do not count the heading name. That is added to the listing of the story.

Here is a suggestion. I hope I interpreted your idea close enough.
You wrote:
Outside Intensive Care Unit, he could only pray. In the dead vale of relations he soared helpless. Helpless to save his child. Hope seemed to die out of world.

World, with nothing strong. World, with paper bonds.

Turning to sky he threw a nasty smile.He saw God was smiling too.
49 words

Outside the Intensive Care Unit,
I sat and prayed. I soared helplessly
above the vail of my relation.
I was helpless to save my child
as hope faded from my world.

Am I living in a world with paper bonds?

I turned to the sky expressing an empty smile.
I noticed God was smiling back.


55words.

Vince*Smile*
40
40
Review of Heart Fire  
Review by vince
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Marie

First, I am assuming your name is Marie through your story about your Grandma's story telling skills. I read your story for its content and not looking for errors.. I found it well written with much showing. Your control of the English languish is refreshing, and the story was entertaining.

Keep writing, your doing very well.*Smile*

Sincerely
Vince J. Arcuri
41
41
Review of The Hero  
Review by vince
Rated: E | (5.0)
I like the six word story. It complies with the count of six, and it makes a statement.
42
42
Review by vince
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi

For whats its worth, I like to see her now.


Vince
43
43
Review of And I Did It.  
Review by vince
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi SmilingSun

Interesting. You can see the action showing in the short story.
44
44
Review of Fox Paw  
Review by vince
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Fanged Smile

I enjoy your writing, and your story. Just a few spots I see could be altered. Just my opinion.

The sun leaned close and I could feel its scorching breath on my neck.
>>>Could be written:The sun's breath scorched the back of my neck.

My( heart-print Payless) shoes smacked the earth as my legs pumped to the rhythm of my pounding heart.

>>>Could be written:My shoes smacked the earth as my legs pumped to the rhythm of my pounding heart.

Accept it and it’s not so bad.
>>> Could be written: ... Accept it, and it’s not so bad.


Good story, keep writing
Vince.
45
45
Review of The Man  
Review by vince
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi Jenn

Interesting observational descriptions, and ending. Thought provoking. ...

Vince. P.S. sounds like I might know such a man. ....
46
46
Review of The Winner  
Review by vince
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Smilingsun

Quick-start . . . Impact . . . and fade-out. I was impressed. Also . . it is a fine tribute to Bandit's Mama


Vince J. Arcuri
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