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Review of Secrets  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Spooky. Monsters live among us. Monsters making headlines with neighbors and friends shocked. "He was such a quiet man." "She taught Sunday School at my church."


Last year’s leave blow around back there, shrouding the grass which lies dead in the summer heat. The house, stayed by its foundations, sits calmly and waits for him to come home. (leave - leaves) (stayed - unsure if the intended word is staid.)

Our man’s basement is vast. Or, wait. I’m sorry, I have the story wrong. It isn’t a man at all, is it? Perhaps it’s a woman. A stern looking woman with sharp features and tawny hair. She works at the local library, shelving books, helping patrons, trying to finish the novel she’s been writing for the past seven years. And perhaps her house isn’t yellow, it’s peach. And her secret is living in the attic, if you could call it that. Perhaps… well, it doesn’t matter. The story is the same, whoever it is about. The words may change, but the story never wavers. (This paragraph seems out of place. I think it would fit in as the second much better.) (Or, wait. I'm sorry, I have it wrong. It isn't a man at all, is it? Perhaps it's a woman. (it's - its) - Gives the impression you do not clearly see the story. suggest something like: Our man's basement is vast. Or maybe its not a basement at all. Maybe its not even a man; perhaps its a woman.)


In his vast basement, there is something resembling an art studio. No, it’s more like a cobbler’s workshop. Or perhaps a dressmaker’s workroom. (suggestion: I think this would read a little better: In his vast basement, there is something resembling an art studio, or possibly a cobbler’s workshop, or perhaps a dressmaker's workroom. - I went back and forth on the second OR, whether to include it or leave it out. - "No, it's..." seems you are unclear what is in the basement instead of offering the reader another choice.)

...room, a makeshift closet that he bas built around one of the corners in the dark space. (bas - has)


Overall, I found the story very well written and a pleasure to read.

Nothing more than my opinions. Please make of them what you will.

Wally
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Review of Lullaby  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (3.5)
As per request.

A fantasy piece. I usually find myself at a disadvantage when trying to evaluate such things, poetry much the same. It is not necessary for me to like it. No one can write to everyone and I'm sure many will enjoy this one.

One thing I do know is logic. In story telling, regardless the subject, no matter how far-fetched, even talking beds, things simply do not just suddenly happen without justification somewhere.

In your last line the man put itching cream on the bed. What man? There was no mention of THE man before. Sometimes it is only a matter of using the correct word. In this case changing THE to A fulfills logic. We may still want to know where this man came from, but it is no longer necessary to know.

I nodded and watched as a man put itching cream on the bed, where every bug had bit him.

Nothing more than my opinion, please make of it what you will.

Wally
178
178
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Well written, imaginative story. The dialog worked very well. A very clear picture of Sarge. A really good read.

I switched the viewer to tactical and started the targeting calibration. The toys were always my favorite part of the job. I had a standard infantry loadout: Vladimir Arms DFX-119 gauss cannon mounted over the right arm, Arsenault Tech F-5 Perdition flamethrower on the left. A SkyLance EVR rocket cluster on either shoulder. Wrist-mounted snap-out blades for the close-in work. Built in bottle opener. (I'm impressed with the several names you've given to weapons and how well they fit.)

Later, over the course of my career, I found that the infantry is primarily a lot of yelling and a lot of strangers trying to kill you. It's important not to lose sight of the fact that you can always get your beer open and you have a huge cannon. (Later, over the course of my career... - Later gives the quick impression that you are leaving the story and then returning in the next paragraph. Since this is his first mission it's accurate that "later" he learned these things, but it is not necessary to include later. I think the line would be better: Over the course of my career, I found...)

"Full weapons check, soldiers!" growled Sarge. I smiled at being...




I traversed my huge cannon from right to left. The targeting system was dead on. (traversed - excellent word choice. No suggestion to change it. Just pointing out that some readers may apply a more common meaning of the word.)

We got two minutes, boy! Clobberin' time!” Baumgartner didn't even glance at Sarge, but didn't reply. (? ...but didn't reply. - and didn't reply.)

The only suggestions I have are: I would like to know why he's dying in the first paragraph. Not detailed but some reason. "Here I am, though, struck down by a bug nobody had ever seen before."

Add a few lines at the end, returning to lying in bed, dying.

Nothing more than my opinions, please make of them what you will.

Wally
179
179
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Glad I read your story. Good imagination. I can see why Great White Hunter may have many adventures.

The story has promise, but really needs some cleaning up. Below are some of the comments, questions and observations I made while reading.


Even asking hour self didn't he learn his lesson in Burma in 46... (hour self - yourself WHY) (A long fragment. Should be redone or attached to the previous sentence.)

I had removed my shirt and with a bit of ingenuity made it into a canteen, none the less my water supply was dwindling. (I would think it more than a bit of ingenuity.) (none the less - nonetheless) (Nonetheless says that even though Great White Hunter has a canteen he is still running out of water. He will run out of water if he uses it and cannot replenish his supply. "Even though I have a car I'm still running out of gas." Suggest revising.)


I then berated him for fancying himself a pilot when he had no license nor common sense enough to perform basic pre-flight checks. (Think about removing THEN here and elsewhere.) (Suggest: ...he had neither license nor enough common sense to perform...)

We traveled for three days living off rotten maggot infested gazelle meat and lion urine (quite good once you procure a taste for it). (It seems to me drinking lion urine would be about the same as drinking seawater. I can't imaging how he managed to get the urine.) (procure? - maybe develop)

I had "Potshot" my lucky rifle with me and a few dozen founds of ammo. (founds - rounds)

I perused him briefly but soon herd the unmistakable roar of a lion followed by the eerie screams of the dying limey bastard. (perused?) (herd - heard)

With out hesitation I swung about my rifle... (With out - Without)

I remembered boars while ferric still fear the king of the Kalahari, the lion. (ferric associated with iron. Do you mean feral? I think you want ferocious, savage, maybe fierce.)

I flung my flask of lion urine into the air and... (Where did the flask come from?)

But before I made contact he cracked me over the head with the but of his rifle. (but of his rifle- butt)

The same warrior his back to me, he was checking out my rifle, his old rifle was propped up against the wall of the hut. (?)

"Your wondering who I am And why... (Your - You're) (And - and)

"let me tell you my story... (let - Let)

As I grew older that changed I desired more than a killer tan, So I set off to surf the world. (...that changed; I desired more than a killer tan, so...)

But my plane crashed and I was saved by the Mumbaty. (Mumbaty? - Mumbary?)

After his ridiculous story I found my self coursed on to the heights branches of a lone tree. About three miles from the village. (my self - myself) (Needs some explaination. He suddenly found himself in a tree?) (coursed? Is this crouched) (on to - remove TO) (heights? - heighest) (...a lone tree, about... - fragment)

From the tree we could see a crude trap that California Jack had constructed / He had explained as we built the trap... (logic: Was it Jack or we that built the trap?)

The rhino was tangled in the tangle of weeds and twine. (one too many tangles.)

Now I had only the five shells in my rifles chamber. (It's a very unusual rifle that has more than one chamber.)

...we both fell out of the tree and onto the rhinos back. (rhinos - rhino's)

He lunged ford to knock me off the beast... (ford - forward)

...slid off the rhinos back. (rhinos - rhino's)

I fell onto the hot course sand, I rolled momentarily... (...sand. I rolled...)

...the clumsy beast roared by I held my rifle steady and took aim I unloaded three shots as soon as I could see its head. (...roared by. I held my rifle steady and took aim. I unloaded...)

The rhino(,) while strong and swift(,) was no match for...

I walked south Knowing that somewhere out... (Knowing - knowing)


I find myself wandering alone through the great Kalahari Desert of South Africa.
Now your probably wondering how I came to be in such a dire situation yet again. (I find myself - It seems that this is told in the present, but by the end it's clear that actually the first paragraphs are in the middle of the story. Overall, I suggest looking at the chronology.)

Certainly nothing more than my opinions, please make of them what you will.

Wally
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Review of A Simple Choice  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (4.5)
Old Luke and the feel of the piece brought up a thought of "Walter", an old hound on an old Bonansa episode. Very enjoyable read.

I have to wonder if Thelma is making a good choice. Zeke doesn't like anyone, but he likes the beings on the spacecraft. Is she about to become surrounded by Zekes?

Zeke walked into the shack/house... (Suggestion only: shack/house - ramshackled house - don't know if this changes the word count.)

Nothing more than my opinions, please make of them what you will.

Wally
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Review of The Bond  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (4.0)
An interesting story. Well written.

I do have a few questions and suggestions, things you might want to consider.

...structures that had once risen into the heavens as a testament of humanities ingenious were now no more than warped... (humanities ingenious - I don't know about this. My first thought was: ...humanity,s ingenious something or other. It could be read along the line of: Long ago, in a time of gods immortal, there... I think putting the adjective ingenious after humanities could work if that is your intention, but then there's more than one humanity.)

She contemplated the morning’s peculiar events. Just as Bob stopped at the curb so his dog could do his business the usually placid animal let out a high-pitched howl, and his eyes exploded in a mist of blood. (Logically I know who is the usually placid animal, but I believe the ambiguity could be removed with a couple changes.)

Lidia grabbed her neighbors hand and the two of them sought... (neighbors hand)

She became lost in contemplation, which is why she didn’t realize the unusual length of time Bob had been gone until her clock chimed at noon. (...which is why... - a sudden shift to author's narrative. Suggest: She became lost in contemplation. She didn't realize...)



Bob was dead, his torso ripped open, eyes glazed over and staring up at nothing. On the tile floor beside Bob laid a blood covered creature. It slightly resembled a human infant. It had two large blue eyes, a petite torso, four thin arms and a long thin tail. The creature squirmed slightly and sucked on one of its fingers. It was obvious the creature had burrowed its way out of Bob, resulting in his death.

Despite the horrific scene Lidia couldn’t help but feel protective of the child. Fear, and an unexplainable desire to protect the baby, warred within her. When the baby began crying Lydia wrapped it in a towel and coddled it. Both Lydia and the baby drifted off to sleep sometime later. (Completely unexplainable. Well not quite, since you do explain it later, but at this point I think you should go farther into Lidia's compulsion to pick up this thing. Something that says she had absolutely no choice in the matter.)

In order for the Meelan’s to survive they needed to relocate, and since Earth was the only life sustaining planet within reach they traveled far and wide to get there. (They traveled far and wide? Maybe if they were looking for a planet, but they knew where they were going.)

Desperate, they pretended to leave but had really plotted a plan. Their technology was advanced far beyond humanities. (Plotted a plan?) (humanities - humanity's)

..and after witnessing humanities cruelty to their own species... (humanities)

...mute to human ears, but not animals, causing all felines and k9s to perish. (mute to human ears?) (k9s - suggest canines) (What about rats, cows and chickens?)

But your special gal, you are one of the lucky few. (your)

She said to her kid’s, unsure as... (kid's)


The first section actually takes place near the middle of the story. The order is a little confusing.


Nothing more than my opinions, please make of them what you will.

Wally
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Review of Pain (2nd Place)  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (4.5)
A well written, imaginitive story. A really nicely done short-short. You could have gone many ways with the prompt. I like the way you did it.


Just one thing you might want to look at:
“I think you were right. Ingesting it might make someone invincible.”

“You can’t do that. You can’t test it on human beings.”

The doctor uncovered a pistol from beneath his lab coat. “Oh, I’m not drinking it. You are. It'll probably kill you, but twelve years is too long.”

("You can't do that. You can't test it on human beings." - "Oh, I'm not drinking it. You are. ... - It seems that Stan thinks that the doctor is going to try it on himself. Enforced by the doctor's statement, correcting Stan's misconception. Suggest changing: "...You can't test it on human beings.")

Nothing more than my opinions, please make of them what you will.

Wally
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Review by Wally Setter
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Well written. A pleasure to read. Two agents, one driven by duty, following orders, doing the logical thing and the other guided by her heart, how could they not collide at some point?


Food markets where already showing high prices and bare... (where)

They did well, and easisly infiltrated the blackmarket... (easisly)

Sores covered you body as the needle stuck in your arm delivered the poison...(covered you)


It would be easy to let this one stand as a promise delivered. It was about two agents in confrontation. But, I think the story could be improved with only a small addition.

The only suggestion I can make is to add a little to the end. Add some dimension to to the characters. Give a reason for this team. - Away from Christine, Summer asks Kalvin, "You think you could get a couple relief ships sent to this hell-hole?" Kalvin to Summer, "Ah, so Chris has been getting to you, huh, kid? The answer is no but..." Some sort of dialog between Summer and Kalvin would show that in some way Christine does have an effect on their missions. It would also put a little meat on the mysterious Kalvin's bones, who seems to have been in some way responsible for the teaming.

Certainly nothing more than my opinions, please make of them what you will.

Wally
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Review of Immunity  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
The anti-love potion. This is a good story. Imaginative and well written. The story is logical and well thought out. The reading is easy and flowed well, with a couple of exceptions below.

A few typos and things that caught my eye:

“Now, I know this is a lot to ask of you, and I realize that you’ll need to think it over. But if you do reconsider,” Bouton took a stack of paperwork out of his portfolio and handed it to Don, “here are the forms for you to fill out. Just think about it Collinson! Think of all that you could be!” (I never saw Don turning down the offer. I don't know why he would reconsider.) (Collinson? Don and the doctor are something of friends. The doctor is trying to get Don to volunteer. I think he would address Don by his first name.)

People took these painkiller and medications all the time, without second thoughts...(painkiller - painkillers)

It can’t stay in love with nothing but a ghost. Alicia is gone for good and I would be a fool to hold on. (It can't stay - I can't stay) (This, as with all of Don's internal thoughts are not punctuated or highlighted as such. It may well be that these were in italics and the formatting was lost in pasting.)

Nothing would ever make him forget how much he cared for Alicia, not matter how much he wished it. (not matter - no matter)

When he arrived to the graveyard, as he slowly approached Alicia’s headstone, he saw somebody... (arrived to the - arrived at the)



...another time in a place like this when he was an entirely different person.

(Needs indication that these are different times and are different events. Getting into the second paragraph, some of the things in the first started to stand out. 'What the heck is going on?' Far enough in and it becomes clear.)

Exhausted with stress and worry, but kept awake by the gnawing fear that whispered through in his mind, Don paced...



“Goodbye, Alicia,” he said tenderly, and then he walked away.

(Same. At first look - he walked away/And there he sat - Huh? It takes a line or two to realize that the story has returned to the opening scene. The three line spaces do show the change, but even an asterik would better prepare the reader.)

And there he sat, waiting, as it seemed he had been for an eternity, to finally rid himself...



A week later, Don went back to Dr. Schmitt and reported how the last week had gone. (Same just above here. Although this change is obvious it wouldn't hurt.) ( I think this line should be expanded, if only a little. What did Don do for a week? Soul searching/revisiting old memories, good and bad, I don't know, but the way this line reads one whole week is missing.)


Meanwhile, back in the hospital, Dr. Schmitt was discussing the results of Don’s progress with Dr. Bouton. (Same. Put an asterik just before this. I don't like 'Meanwhile, back in the hospital'. For some reason it reminds be of an old Lone Ranger radio show. As long as we know there's a POV change I don't think the line is necessary at all.)

Wally
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Review of The Escape  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (4.0)
I noticed no errors in the writing. Your story covers a short period of time. Saving the baby and making the escape from the doomed ship.

I don't know that it is important to me to understand how the fire started or for that matter anything outside of the events you describe...until:

A moment later the spaceship exploded from the cascade of one well placed mine that had overloaded the engine, causing it to explode.

This line opens up the history behind the event. Why is there a well placed mine?

...the acrid smell of burning metal...
...metal table I could see melting in the heat of the spreading fire.
A few drops flew through the barred door and landed on the heel of my shoe, boiling the rubber sole to my heel. Fumbling to get up while soothing the darling and not putting pressure on my left heel, I headed for the nearby escape pod.

I find myself in total disbelief that anyone in a room with melting metal beams and metal tables could possibly survive. These people could be of a species that I've never heard of, but the apparent injury says otherwise.

...the fire silenced my young charge for an instant before her screams resumed louder than before.
...I thought as I set to calming my brother, born only a few weeks before. (before HER screams - my BROTHER)

I found your story to be well written, crisp. An easy read. Logic is a problem. We can fly faster than light because it hasn't been proven that we can't under all circumstances, but we cannot survive in a two thousand degree fire without an explaination.

Nothing more than my opinions, please make of them what you will.

Wally
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Review of A day in the Life  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
It is difficult to access a story only on the introduction. You have accomplished the main objective however. You've made the opening interesting enough to entice the reader to turn the page. Wherever you are going, have fun getting there.

Some of the things that caught my attention:
@, w/o (spell out)

His small safe on this planet had a stunning view...(Is this SAFE HOUSE?)

He stood staring out the window and thumbed open a small container of feild rations. (feild - field)

...has three times as many stairs as it does sentients. Which Val guessed to be about a gazillion. (...sentients, which Val...)

At one point five hours Val finally started back to his safe house. (?)

The alst bit included a knife fight with a "small" anigav, which although his mind... (alst - last)

He didnt think anyone had access to such old Mathian... (didnt - didn't)

He hadn't heard that voice in a few years, and it wasn't entirely a surprize, but it wasn't... (surprize - surprise)

Some formatting issues. There is a leading space at the beginning of each paragraph, so the separation is seen. This is probably due to pasting, but it would be helpful to the reader to include a line space between paragraphs or at least indenting paragraphs.

Nothing more than my opinions.

Wally
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187
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (4.0)
“Oh, please, Ladybug. Please, let’s not start up on This conversation again, Honeybun. All I want is for Our Son to stop chasin’ after pipe dreams...

(From the start it seems Hank and Ladybug have a close relationship. Confirmed.)

“We will never see eye-to-eye on this topic, Hank. ... (They have had discussions on this topic before, probably many times.)

The dialog becomes unbelievable when it is between these two people who know each other so well. The thought of life insurance commercials comes to mind, where so much information must be presented by two closely related people. They speak as though they are nearly strangers.

It’s too early for You to be sippin’ ...
...to try out on Your hybrid engine, Honey.”
...rock in Her chair...
...sipping on Her mint tea. ( I guess beginning caps on You, Your, Her and other places is meant to put emphasis on these words.)


The story is good. The writing is good. Your character's dialog worked very well. The problem I have is in believing these people would have such a conversation. Absolutely nothing more than a suggestion, but how about having another couple over for barbecue. Hank could say anything he wanted and, of course, Ladybug could correct him.

“What has the World come to when a Man can’t drink what He wants, when He wants!” (Indeed. It just ain't right!)

Nothing more than my opinions, please make of them what you will.

Wally
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Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (5.0)
A very good short short-story. I liked this. The writing is crisp and clean. I noticed no errors. Imaginative. I don't think I 've read anything like this before. I find myself supplying the details of the scene. Something I think is what really good shorts should do. The reader is guided, not led. Thanks for the offering.

Wally
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Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (5.0)
Being paranoid doesn't mean someone isn't out to get you.

I've never attempted an Acrostic or poem. I'm probably the least poetic person in the world and a poor judge of such things. I can give only my uninformed opinion.

Well written and expressive. Certainly, you should share your imagination and talent. Post your works and if someone does not care for them, well, you can't please everyone.

Wally
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Review by Wally Setter
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I agree with your boyfriend, it's a messed up film. On the other hand, most films are messed up versions of printed literature. Sometimes not due to the film itself, but to the interpretation of the film maker. Every reader sees, at least, a slightly different story, a different vision.

The book? I don't know. Its probably the film that's caused me to not read it. You've got my interest up. I might have to read it now. (The words chosen by Burgess relate to whimsical roots in literature and Russian to give dark insane humour to the character.) Well, that might be 'start to read.' I often get bored with whimsy.

Wally
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Review of Dark Brother  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Well written. I may never look at elves the same way again.

I got a clear picture of this world. I thought the descriptions were vivid. The story logical.

The biggest question is, how much of the story have I seen?


I found very few things to question.
Things I noticed that you might want to look at.

I began forward, my soft deerskin boots making no sound on the grass. (I began forward?)

...placed it down. Eloquently. Moving more than simply walking. (Eloquently? Is this supposed to be delicately or elegantly? Consider removing it all together.)

The result of many years of training in the Elven art of Shan Shi, which was much dance as it was martial. (which was AS much) (I don't know if there is a way to avoid adding arts to the end. Logic tells us that martial must be a modifier of training or possibly art, but it is a bit of a stumbling block. Possibly: which was as much dance as it was a martial way of life.)

“You have knowledge of the creature that did this? (missing end quotes)

“Katsu,” said I, again. “It is I. Do you remember?” (consider: I said, again. "It is I. - is clearly Elven dialog, but maybe - said I, again - is a little too much of a good thing.)



The story is listed as other and that sometimes throws me. Is it a chapter or stand alone piece? Many chapters are in themselves completed or nearly completed stories. It becomes a problem when trying to determine just how good it really is. This one could have and end where I must decide what happened.

"And the responsibility is mine, because, in a way, this is all my fault." (Since I have no knowledge of how it may be his fault, it looks like there's more to come, more explainations, more to learn. I've been wrong before, but that's the way I see it. In this light I see an imaginitive story with a lot of potential.)


Just my opinions.

Wally
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Review of Stranded  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (5.0)
How unfortunate for Tangeron that he finds himself stranded in a place like this. Assistance? I don't know. He'll likely find plenty of randomizers. De-randomizer? Not likely. I liked the probability drive. I've wondered how you know where you're at while in null-space.


As always, you've worked the prompts seamlessly into the story.

Well done.

Wally
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193
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (5.0)
You gave me a smile. A pleasantly surprising ending. You didn't give away a thing. Written very well. Good construction. As the best of these twisted tales do, after the last word I'm thinking, oh yeah, I should have seen it coming. Written as well as this one, I never do.

Very little else to comment on. Just a couple suggestions, but if I didn't bring them up I wouldn't be doing my job.

...yapping by a distant dog sent a chill through his body. He hated dogs. He hated them with a rage that consumed... ( The second half of the first paragraph is all about dogs and how much Charlie dislikes them. The paragraph is pretty long. It might make a little easier read to break it up. A good spot would be after - dog sent a chill through his body. - He hated dogs. starting a new paragraph.)

He knew these wretched homeless creatures would come to search the garbage bins to get...(With - wretched homeless creatures - consider replacing 'search the'. The first thing that came to me was: would come to scrounge through. I think it might add a little to how much Charlie disliked these wretched homeless creatures.)

His anticipation grew, his heat beat faster, the adrenalin...(heat - heart)

Liked this one a lot.

Wally
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Review by Wally Setter
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Overall, well written. I found few typos or other writing errors. The story is pretty good. I found the ending a little weak, but now knowing where you were going, I have no suggestions. It probably will cause a few goans.

Some punctuation I might question, but I'm hardly an authority. I bring it up only as something to consider.

The things I did notice are listed below.

18,000 miles to the other side of the world. I thought the possibility was good that this is another planet. Not Earth.

No one knew whether it was from space aliens or it if even... (it if - if it)

One of these was not the new electorate Mara Tonolta, but his minions...(electorate - body, not person - suggest - newly elected)

Communications had ended the day the fireworks on the surface started, albeit most of the world had forgotten they were up there anyway, on the six month mission. Soon other components of the listing satellite began to fail. Life support was always the last, maybe for some cruel reason, lighting was the first. “Better to see the end of the world” one crewmember commented. Next was food stasis and voiding facilities. Heat and air-conditioning were after that as the station passed the star; the temperature went from a cool 450 degrees below zero outside to a scalding plus 210 on the sun facing revolution. Cabin temperatures ranged from about thirty below and 115 above. Enviro- suits helped for a while, but eventually their power was exhausted. Finally the atmosphere went sour. Carbon built up and air ran out. The travelers watched as each other died. (Communications had ended, so I don't know how we might know this as fact. It may be speculation based on what science knows concerning such situations. "Better to see the end of the world" goes beyond even speculation.)

Possibly to this day as the station, whose power failure had caused the station keeping retro rockets from firing, had begun to drift away into deep space, still had the information on board that could have saved part of the world. If it had been read in time, of course.

(It's crucial to the story that the station drift into space, but I think there needs to be another explaination. The ISS's orbit is in constant decay. Periodically it must be boosted a few kilometers. Without this boost it wouldn't be long before the Earth pulls it in. Perhaps this station is in a much higher orbit and only a slight nudge from something sends it off.)


Of course in some areas of the country it was read by a magistrate first, before being sent along, just in case the message was a little anti-authority or just plain anarchist. This was the latest, highest speed available for sending messages, while not instantaneous, it was still faster than a two way telephonic message system which was still monitored, but to a less degree now a days. (anarchist? - anarchistic. It's a message. I would better relate anarchist to a person practicing anarchism. Can the contents of the message be anarchist or anarchistic.)


“SAVE YOURSELF! STOP NOW, BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE !”

“STOP PAYING FOR A JUNK CAR NOW! SAVE TONS OF CASH YOURSELF! BEFORE IT IS OVER AND TOO LATE! STOP BY TODAY AND SAVE YOURSELF!” (I might have made this - ...and save yourself thousands.)

(STOP) paying for a junk car (NOW)! (SAVE) tons of cash (YOURSELF!) (BEFORE IT IS) over and (TOO LATE!) stop by today and save yourself!

Even with signal deterioration I would think the message would be: STOP NOW! SAVE YOURSELF BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE!

“SAVE YOURSELF! STOP NOW, BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE !”

But then again, maybe they caught the message as a part of a repeating signal.

(SAVE YOURSELF!) (STOP) paying for a junk car (NOW)! save tons of cash yourself! (BEFORE IT IS) over and (TOO LATE) stop by today and (SAVE YOURSELF!) (STOP) paying for a junk car (NOW)! save tons of cash yourself! (BEFORE IT IS) over and (TOO LATE) stop by today and

SAVE YOURSELF! STOP NOW BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE

It's a bit of a way to go to get to the source of the Message, but I did enjoy the trip.

I noticed 1982 at the top. From some of the descriptions of communications this seems to be the year first written. Many of the things included in the story could well be said of Earth today. If it has not been edited since 82, I say you come very close at times to current or possible near future events and thinking. Since the story takes place somewhere else, sometime else the tech works fine.

Only my opinions, please make of them what you will.

Wally
195
195
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
And that's the end of Miranda rights. I thought they might do it.

He grabbed her arms behind her back her back and said...(her back her back) (maybe - He grabbed her arms and twisted them behind her back.)

"You have he right to remain silent, and all that." (he - the) (Hmmm. And I thought Miranda was dead.)

She reached into her back pocket and her fingers closed around the taser. She jabbed it into the man's arm and pressed the button. He let her go with a howl of pain and she kicked his stomach and ran. The dog-tag around her neck swung wildly; she grabbed it and had a look. (I'm trying to picture this. The policeman has her hands behind her back. She has a gun in her hand. {she doesn't put it into her jacket until later} While the policeman is holding her arms she is able to pull a taser out of her back pocket. {She jabbed it into the man's arm and pressed the button. He let her go...} She must have turned around to kick him in the stomach. Either that or...ooh...no she turned around.)

Katrina looked up. A policeman was running towards her. But he was slow and she was fast. She turned to run, but somehow he was suddenly there, accelerated by she knew not what. (This leaves room for development. How did this happen? All policemen of this time are clones. The one that captured her is not the same one that ordered her to stop. No? It could go several different ways. Maybe they're androids. I don't know if an android will howl in pain after being tased.)

The story has potential even if it is born of boredom, but would certainly need developement. Where it goes is up to you.

Is the story good or is it bad? Are we always being judged? In life, aren't we all guilty before being proven innocent?

Just opinions. Please make of them what you will.

Wally
196
196
Review of Star Fighter Down  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is listed as a novel so I would be expecting to see the next chapter, but it is very nearly a stand-alone piece, leaving the next days, weeks or years for the reader to finish. The only thing keeping it from being a stand-alone is not knowing the fate of the other downed ship. Having to decide whether the crew is living or dead and the possible outcome probably is too much responsibility to place upon the reader.

As a first chapter the story works well enough, although longish. Long, possibly because, especially through the first half I found myself struggling to understand just what was happening in places. The only real suggestion I can make is one of the very hardest to do for you, the author. Try to read your story through as if seeing for the first time. After finishing and re-reading part way through, it works fine, but the second time through I had a little of your insight.

Over all, well written, very few typos. I listed the ones I saw below.

Prolly to a slug in all that maneuvering, he thought, flipping the doors...(Prolly? At first I put this down as dialog or in this case Garret's thought, but I've not see any further indication that he would speak or think this word. It might be better to just use - Probably due to a slug - OR - Probably a slug - OR - Probably caught a slug in all that maneuvering.)

Simultaneously, a streak of near molten, heavily fractured steel rod shot from the muzzle under the bow, and lightning arced across half of his control panels. (Don't know if the raptor was hit by the enemy or a malfunction on the raptor. "From the muzzle" seems to say it's a malfunction.)

“It’s bad Garret.” his RIO growled behind him. “Mass Driver let go of the cap when you fired it, fried about ninety percent of our electronics. (Still unsure of the cause of damage to the raptor, but it seems it was a malfunction.) (I would like to know what a cap is. Some sort of cap/top on the mass driver?)

He could see the creature that was flying scrabbling at his controls behind...(Scrabbling is such an uncommon word that using it twice this close together stands out.)

As he watched, his finally saw the escape pod jettison, flaring out for re-entry and the crash that would follow. (his finally - he finally)

If they had enough they could even slingshot and head back toward the fleet. (Had enough what? I take this to mean that if their re-entry angle is shallow enough they could bounce off the atmosphere.)

“Don’t think so.” The cat said. (Now, I know what cat might puke.)

It was halfway between purr and growl, as she muttered to herself behind him. The race had been discovered by some colony on the rim of known space. (What race? The alien he had just engaged in the laser fight? After a short brain freeze, I know it is the cat's race, but you might want to clarify a little.)

Like a pretty, pretty lawn dart, he thought darkly as the descended. (as the - as they)

With a howl of delight, she wrenched it out of the way, and tossed it over then side of the pilot’s compartment. (over then - over the)

The trees were similar to the evergreens of earth, but something...(earth - Earth)

Looking back around himself, he realized there were less slides of shale, and the trees clung to the slop above her chosen spot... (slop - slope)

It was going to be a good vacation, and he hoped they took their time picking him up of this rather lush patch of ground. (picking him up of this - up from?)

After a few moments he sat back up and hooked his pack over. (and hooked his pack over - looked?)

In all, interesting and well worth the read.

Just my opinions, please make of them what you will.

Wally
197
197
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I thought this was well written. It brings up far more questions than answers. That's okay. I can be patient at times. The switch in style seems to put us in a new time and place.

Only a couple things I question:
The anger inside her had been filed slowly, like a ragged fingernail till it was smooth and didn’t latch... (When first read I wondered if filed was a typo. After studying I thought honed slowly might be better, but that doesn't fit with fixing a ragged fingernail. I think the anger is slowly brought into focus. At this moment I can't think of a single word to describe both. Positively nothing more than a suggestion: The anger inside her had been honed, like a knife of highest quality steel, into a razor's edge.)

With slightly uplifted feelings she stood up, and decided she might as well walk towards a direction. ( I think a definate direction is needed. - towards the mountains/valley/church - away from the rising sun - down the path, away from the village. I don't know, just somewhere.)

Again, I'll turn the page to the next chapter.

Wally
198
198
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (3.5)
Good idea. It's hard to make meaningful comments about the story by reading the first chapter. What the first chapter must do is make the reader want t turn the page. Your story does that. Overall I think it is a good beginning.

The style you have chosen sets the tone for the piece. I'm reminded of King Arthur or at least a time when perceptions are different than what we know. I like it. It works. There are dangers though. In trying to maintain this feel it is easy to complicate understanding by the reader. The reader does not have your intrinsic knowledge of the story. Great care must be given to making the story easily readable while maintaining that tone.

A time, were history was not a lesson or an essay... (were - when)

Narla sharply lifted her head, her eyes now steadily looking at the tip of a rising corn, concentrating on all sounds she possibly could. She knew that the animal had stopped as she had, its fragile chest rising up and down amongst the yellow gold, trying to hear the death she could not see. She stood long enough to feel the lazy hand of mother sun upon her brow. Then in one instant, she jumped and launched the arrow of which she had been feeling the feathers of all this time.

(Narla was intently watching for movement of the cornstalks. Listening. But that does not seem to be the case. She must be sitting/squatting because she doesn't feel the sun until she stands. So she must be listening intently while sitting below the tops of the corn and for some reason looking at the top of a nearby cornstalk.)

...its fragile chest rising up and down amongst the yellow gold...(since she can't see this, she must be envisioning it.) (rising up and down - rising down? suggest: its fragile chest rising and falling)

Then in one instant, she jumped and launched the arrow of which she had been feeling the feathers of all this time. (This sentence is unwieldly. I see no good way of getting this information in, in one sentence. The feathers would probably work better earlier in the paragraph. Maybe something like:

Narla gently stroked the colorful feathers of the arrow and marveled at the contradiction, both beauty and death in this one simple shaft. Movement, a flash of tan, Narla found her target and in an instant launched the arrow. - Okay, maybe better than that, but this is what I'm trying to say.)


Narla had been thought this as a young child. (thought - taught)

"Do not suffer an innocent creature, make sure it is swift and that its death is justified!". (I know what you are saying. I believe it could be switched around. - "Do not suffer an innocent creature, make sure death is justified and swift." - It keeps with the tone, but clarifies death is to be swift.)


Words of the Mother they had been. She had seen in old stolen books that this was once what they called your sister who bore you. ('that this' is not clear until the end of the sentence. Actually I stumbled over this line and had to re-read. It could be that I'm a little slow on the uptake, but I think, - She had seen in old stolen books that 'mother' was once what they called your sister who bore you. - clarifies it.)

She cast them away with her hands and from her nose a feeble sniff. (What did she cast away?)

Relieved that she had enough food now to last her the best part of a week, she skinned the deer as best she could and salted the meat she had skimmed off. She muttered a silent prayer as she put them away into her self constructed back pack. (skimmed off. - I can't get a picture of skimming meat. She would have trimmed the meat from the bone. She certainly wouldn't want to carry a bunch of bones around.) (as she put them - there is no them, it's only meat, unless she wraps the meat into separate packages.)

It is a page turner. I will read the next chapter.

Nothing more than my opinions. Please make of them what you will.

Wally
199
199
Review of Reaping  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
What of us on Planet 3, Sector 47 that are already a little over ripe? At least we may soon find our place in the universe.

I don't know, I just got a smile from this. Good idea. Nicely done.

Wally
200
200
Review of Memory Lapse  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
First off, I enjoyed your story. It did my heart good that Carl held out against all the attempts of his captors to make him talk. Imaginative and for the most part flowed logicially.


But what if he talked? Then he would have ruined everything. Carl grimaced and anxiously twisted his fingers together. He knew something that he shouldn't know. It had happened two weeks ago when he was working the ship's e-com. The other operator had accidentally, Carl knew it must have been an accident, sent some information that should never have been sent. Information that was simply too sensative and too precious to be allowed into the head of a foot soldier. His commander had almost shot him on the spot when Carl had told him what the transmission had contained. Carl remembered staring down the barrel of the gun in shock, struggling to deal with the fact that at any moment his life could just, end. It had been a moment of blind, panicked fear, even more than their more recent surrender. Yet in the end the officer had spared Carl in an uncharacteristic fit of mercy.

Carl, a private was working the ship's e-com.
The other operator seems to mean Carl was an operator as well.
The other operator knew the codes and sent them to someone he should not have sent them to.
Carl accidently gained access to the codes.
Carl told his commander that he knew the codes.
Instead of shooting Carl, the commander sent him, with knowledge of critical information, into a situation where he could be captured.

Why? I find this to be a plausibility problem. I think this paragraph could be re-written to logically explain how a foot soldier gained such knowledge and still was a part of the captured 14th land occupation team. Maybe nothing more than not telling his commander, but there's still the problem of why was he ever in a position to learn the codes.


A few commas could be added here and there, but nothing that causes the reader to stumble.

A few typos I noticed:
It was not that he was mentally crippeled, it was just that had never really been good at anything. (crippeled - crippled) (just that HE had)

Despite the obstacles his genetics had created for him he done good for his people. (he done good. - Here, I'm uncertain. Is this one of Carl's thoughts?)

Yet in the end the officer had spared Carl in an uncharacteristic fit of mercy. (fit - fit of rage, fits - fit of mercy, doesn't seen to fit - show of mercy, maybe or something along that line. I just don't know how throwing a fit results in mercy.)

And worse his captures knew it, that had been made clear... (captures - captors)

never, ever say those codes out loud, not matter what happened...

The lady pursed her lips and said with just the barest hint of impatient, "I am not... (impatient - impatience)

Mark trail 3.13 as a failure and prepare for reset. (trail - trial)

Carl stared at the scenes before him in shock, the person in them was most defiantly him. (defiantly - definitely)

The woman stood up, he eyes flashing with anger above the images... (he - her)

...but honestly I think you are just to f****** stupid to accept the evidence we placed before... (to - too f**)

She shook her how head. "How could we have foreseen that?" (She shook her how head.)

Nothing more than my opinions and observations. Please make of them what you will.

Wally
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