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101
101
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (4.0)
I enjoyed your story. Certainly every driver has seen Peters doing something stupid numerous times. I understand Cindy's frustration, but have never punched one of these self-absorbed drivers (yet). The humor is not overwhelming and I think fits the story very well.


*
For your consideration:

A collision was avoided when Peters swerved and crashed into a nearby telephone pole and Green fell off her bicycle. (Did Green, falling off her bike, in some way, contribute to the collision being avoided? The preceding sentence tells us she fell. Later she credits Peters' basic instinct taking over, causing him to swerve. Consider ending the sentence with telephone pole.)

Driver Randy Morose, the only witness, said he "was waiting to make a left turn at the intersection during a green light". Morose claimed he" was yielding to [Green] who was in the incoming lane and had the right of way." (The only way I can visualize the first quotes would be along the lines of a reporter on the six o'clock news glancing at his notes after speaking "Said he." "I" would be implied. - Driver Randy Morose, the only witness, said he "[I] was waiting to make a left turn... - Same for the second quotes.)

(If these are quotes I think I would change the wording. If both are quotes, I would combine them. I don't know exactly what Morose said, but would probably use his words in the second quote. In the example [Green] is replaced with "the bicycle." Morose could have said: cyclist, who, but he might also have said: bicycle, who.)

Driver Randy Morose, the only witness, said, "I was waiting to make a left turn at the intersection during a green light. I was yielding to the bicycle, who was in the incoming lane and had the right of way."

Omitting the second set of quotes:

Driver Randy Morose, the only witness, said, "I was waiting to make a left turn at the intersection during a green light". Morose claimed he was yielding to [Green], who was in the incoming lane and had the right of way.



She added "I think he would splattered me had his basic instinct not taken over, causing him to swerve". (It is difficult to know what someone might have said. - I've tried to read as worded. consider: "I think he (would have)/(would've) splattered me, had his basic instinct...)



"I don't think he realized she was there" said Morose. "It was especially stupid because he was going to have to wait at the red light up the street anyways" he added.

I would add a few commas throughout at the tags.

"I don't think he realized she was there," said Morose. "It was especially stupid because he was going to have to wait at the red light up the street anyways," he added.


*

Only my opinions. Please make of them what you will.

Wally
102
102
Review of The Rating  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
For when the One Great Scorer comes
To write against your name,
He marks - not that you won or lost -
But how you played the Game.

(From the poem, "Alumnus Football" by Grantland Rice)

Many times this is shortened to:

It doesn't matter whether you win or lose,
It's how you play the game.

Almost certainly to be followed by:

Then, why do we keep score?

*

We are all scorekeepers. We rate everything based on our likes or dislikes. Which ice-cream flavor is best?

Do we like the story's plot? How important is the plot? Is the grammar and punctuation up to our standards?

I've gotten 2.5s and 5.0s on the same piece. From the comments, both ratings are deserved. After all, it's more about what the reader gets from the story than the effort that goes into it. You simply cannot write to everyone.

The best we can do is learn from our mistakes. In the end, it really is about "how we play the game."

*

I realize I've gotten a bit off track. I enjoyed reading this. There is little I can add in the way of constructive criticism, except maybe my opinion about overusing exclamation points and double question marks.

Only my opinions. Please make of them what you will.

Wally
103
103
Review of Moving On  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Good story. There is good reason for it being an Editor's pick.

Listed below are only things that caught my attention. I offer only suggestions as to what I might do. Only for consideration. It is your story. Only you know how to tell it.


*
Some things to consider:

Big clumsy Clew dismounted the truck and probed his pocket for the key to unlock the gate. (dismounted - draws a picture of getting off a horse. "Big, clumsy Clew exited the truck" is bland. Consider something a little more colorful. Maybe he heaved himself out of the seat onto the pavement.)

At last Clew figured out the latches, and he sauntered up the modestly steep lane. He smiled as he passed the flower beds on either side. A big burly man dressed in a blue T-shirt, even he could appreciate the good life. (Here I would re-word a little. Add a little. It may not be unusual for big , blue-shirted man to appreciate flowers or the good life. At last Clew figured out the latches. He sauntered up the modestly steep lane, smiling as he passed the flower beds on either side. Even a course, burly man dressed in a blue T-shirt, like Clew, could appreciate the good life.)

Clew unlocked the front doors and swung each of them all the way open. Then, he flipped down the rubber foot holders to keep them in place. (rubber foot holders - only a suggestion: rubber-cushioned door stops)

Clew and Zane stepped inside to view a two story foyer. A staircase went up to the second floor to their left, while a dining room... (Was the staircase or the second floor on the left? On the left, a staircase went up to the second floor.)

“You will. It’s called your paycheck. Now get on out to the truck and start making up some boxes. We’re gonna need a lot of them.” (dialog - minor - lot of them - lot of 'em - I wonder if Clew wouldn't say "lot of 'em.")

Clew mopped his brow with a dirty hankie as he stepped out of the living room and into the foyer. (Even though this is not dialog I think hankie does not belong. Handkerchief, I believe, works better.)

“Take some more of those boxes I blue-taped up, out, and put ‘em by that bench just below these windows. (The significance of the blue tape is already known. It is also known who taped them. "Take some of those taped up boxes out and put 'em...)

“Zaney, what ya doing out there!” came Clew’s booming voice. “Come on! We ain’t got all day ya know,” Clew pushed his bull head through the open middle window. “That stuff ain’t gonna fetch nothing. Just pictures and junk. Besides, thems blue boxes." Clew looked around and then at the truck. "Hey, I’m getting hungry. Why don’t you go up ‘ta the cab and grab our lunches. Da wife made salami sandwiches with lots of mayo, homemade even. We’ll eat in here – in style!” (Clew makes an abrupt switch from "We ain't got all day" to "Let's eat." Maybe a "Well. hell, it's lunch time" thrown in would help.)


“Ya know. My wife makes the best homemade mayo in all da city,” Clew said as Kathy heard him rustling around in a plastic bag. (Kathy hears him in the next paragraph. Rustling in a plastic bag add nothing. I would remove everything after Clew said at the least. Since it is clear who is speaking I would probably also remove the tag and use only: “Ya know. My wife makes the best homemade mayo in all da city.” )

Kathy heard the gruff voice perfectly beneath the window. The moving men must be having lunch. I don’t want them to see me crying. It’s embarrassing enough, they’re rummaging through all our things. (Was the gruff voice perfectly beneath the window? Kathy clearly heard the gruff voice coming from the window above.) (they're rummaging through all our things. - they are rummaging through all our things. - (rummaging through all our things) becomes the object, making they possessive - their rummaging through all our things.)

Kathy felt her face go flush. That’s not how I was raised. I’d never step on anyone. We're not even a member of any country club! It’s true we have money... well had money, but that doesn’t make us bad people. I used to work as a waitress. I know what it's like. We even took in Diana from the shelter, and paid the first three months rent on her apartment. (This is a lot of thought. The first and last time we hear of Diana. This informs the reader, but nearly all is revealed later. I simply have a hard time seeing Kathy thinking these thoughts. At the most I see Kathy outraged that perfect strangers could make such biased opinions of someone they didn't know.)

*

Only my opinions. Please make of them what you will.

Wally
104
104
Review of 'Droid Void  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (4.5)
I enjoyed your story.

I might feel for the robot, but I'm glad ole Zack didn't decide on an eagle or amoeba.

I found it to be a pleasure to read. That said, doing a review requires dissecting the story. What little I have to offer is, of course, up to you to consider or discard.

*

The three seconds to humans are mere jumps on a number line. For me, I savor every byte. (I would normally equate byte with data and not time. I understand what you mean. There is no real suggestion here. Only pointing out something to consider.)



My temperature gauge reads 140. Fifty on the Celsius scale. With the assumption of 140 degrees F: (140-32)/1.8 = 60 degrees C. 122F = 50C



(Just something that caught my eye. Since I don't know your exact meaning, I include this as my interpretation of the line.)

“Golden Age. My father, my keeper. I trumpet your adieu, from the center of the sun to the fringes of the universe. Farewell, my friend.”

“Golden Age. My father, my keeper. I (loudly proclaim) your (farewell), from the center of the sun to the fringes of the universe. Farewell, my friend.”

It seems "your adieu" should be "my adieu".

“Golden Age. My father, my keeper. I trumpet my adieu, from the center of the sun to the fringes of the universe. Farewell, my friend.”

*

Only my opinions. Please make of them what you will.

Wally
105
105
Review of SOUNDS OF MORNING  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (5.0)
I am not one to demand descriptive tales. The fact is, normally, I just want the story. I'll gladly fill in the details.

But!

This story is all about the detail. In fact, the story is the detail. I could see the sun rising and hear the sounds of a new day. The creaking and wheezing. I could almost smell the morning mist rising. A story about a moment. I don't know how it could have been done better.

Excellent. I enjoyed your story.

I have nothing in the way of constructive criticism to offer.

I'll certainly keep an eye out for your future postings.

Wally
106
106
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (4.5)
One of the first things I thought of was the two old horse traders who made their living trading horses with each other. But then, with insurance involved, I realized it might be more than a joke.

Interesting and imaginative. I wonder if Breslow is Peer's patient.

*

As with another of your stories, the only thing I bring up is the formatting. Single hyphen dashes and lack of spacing between paragraphs.

*

Just my opinions. Please make of them what you will.

Wally
107
107
Review of THE GO-KART  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (4.5)
I enjoyed your story. Well thought out and executed.

It became apparent there were two possible outcomes. In a way, I hoped for one, but you supplied the other, more powerful ending. Well done.

*

Something to look at:

In a number of places dashes are represented by a single hyphen. There are also several hyphenated words. This is the one place that caused a moment of confusion for me.

But all that was before the interstate began robbing the neighborhood of its libido-sucking out, like a giant vampire made of steel and concrete, its very life's blood.

The first time I read:
But all that was before the interstate began robbing the neighborhood of its (libido sucking) out, like a giant vampire made of steel and concrete, its very life's blood.

"Huh?"

In the other places it is obvious that a dash is intended.

The consistency seems to indicate a loss of formatting when pasting. My only suggestion is to add another hyphen to clear these stumbling blocks.

*

Only my opinions, please make of them what you will.

Wally
108
108
Review of Barry's Friend  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Well written and original. The mother's original reaction, locked door, rings and incense added to the feeling that Barry would turn out to be some kind of monster. Good ending and adds to the originality.


*

He quickly opened it and put on the four rings that were. (?) (in the box)



I assume that once the ritual is completed, Barry regains the power of speech. I bring it up only as something I noticed and something to consider.

“I mean, it’s nice to think so, but I don’t think they all go. I’m sure some go to Hell.”
(Barry is speaking to his mother although he is still wearing the rings.)

She took on a distant gaze, looking through her son. “Well… how sad,” she finally said while slumping her shoulders. Turning, she walked downstairs and Barry removed his rings as he went back into his room.

(Earlier.)
He couldn’t answer. The rings wouldn’t let any non-ritual words pass his lips.

*

Nothing more than my opinions, please make of them what you will.

Wally
109
109
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (5.0)
Well written. I wonder how we would appear to a truly intelligent, logical species?

I'm not sure 100 more planetary circumlocutions is going to make much difference. We've been at it for a long time. On the other hand, with our ability to create increasingly more powerful weapons, maybe it will all be settled by then.

Really nothing to offer. I like your story just the way it is.

Wally
110
110
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Well written and original. I seldom read vampire stories. To me it seems that many are the same story told only in a slightly different way. By the popularity of these tales I’m certainly in the minority. This one however brings a fresh idea into the mix.

I enjoyed the story. Reading for enjoyment I was able to simply read from top to bottom without distraction.

Re-reading and focusing on the story word by word I bring up only things for your consideration. They do not approach suggestions, only my point of view. The story you tell and the way you tell it is, of course, up to you.


*
Numeric reference to your edit points. A few questions and comments:

#2

He didn’t seem to be lying or taking the piss or anything like that. (Except in context I don’t know what “taking the piss” means. For a couple of reasons I would change the lines. – (I studied Mikey’s lined face for a moment; he seemed serious. Well, I thought, this should be amusing.) – It simplifies. – What would be the purpose of his lying about whether or not he believed vampires? – Lying appears in the first paragraph.)


#3

‘Oh, yeah? How so?’ I asked. I was actually genuinely interested to know. (This does not seem to fit with “Well, I thought, this should be amusing” at this point. – “I asked” is not needed. Eliminate tags when they are unnecessary.)

Consider something like:
Most people put vampires in the same category as aliens, the Loch Ness Monster and every other beastie and strange occurrence that the National Enquirer writes about. And Mikey was definitely not the type of guy to believe in crap like that. “Yeah, I bet you believe in Bigfoot too.”

“I don’t know nothin’ about Bigfoot. I just know them vampires is real.

‘Oh, yeah? How so?’ I was actually genuinely interested to know.

‘Simple,’ he said. ‘I seen one.’ On the outside I appeared calm, I think, but my mind was a swirling vortex of confusion. Mikey wasn’t lying, that much I knew. I know the truth when I see it. But the idea that a vampire had been spotted by Mikey, yet let him live... Now that was inconceivable to me. We always know when we’ve been seen in our other state. And we always kill the seer.


# 7

Mikey has a beer bottle? This along with finding out they are in a bar should be known at the start. I would set the scene in a new first paragraph. A couple of guys/friends having a few beers in a bar, a few people/a big crowd.


# 11

Shattering a beer bottle should draw the attention of a few patrons or at least the bartender.


#12, 13, 14

Remove “April Fool” and “In the middle of November.” Combine 12, 13 and 14.


I think I was still hoping at that stage that Mikey might bust out laughing, but he still looked as serious as all hell, even though he let a small cynical smile play around his mouth.


# 19

What is a Yitch? Bitch, but with a Y, from a word search. Consider some description of what they are.


# 28

‘How did you see me feed without me knowing, Mikey?’

He snorted. ‘For someone so old yer damn stupid.’ A conflagration of anger flared up in me. How dare this insignificant creature call me stupid? But I kept my face blank and held my temper in check. I wanted to hear what he said. ‘I take it not even the other vampires c’n see ya?’

Earlier in the story Kevin says vampires always know when someone sees them feeding and leaves no one alive who has seen them, but he has not been seen feeding in at least the last two thousand years because of the bracelet, or is it the blood?


# 32, 33, 34

‘While he was on the cross. She couldn’t resist the scent, I do’n think.’ He stared at me, scratching the cap of the bottle against his chin again. His voiced sounded dreamy, far away. ‘She’d ‘ve lived if ye hadn’t found her there. But ye saw her and ye took her to the Dark One. Ye killed my mam, Kevin.’ Understanding dawned on me and memories from that day flooded my mind. I remembered.~32~

‘She was the last thing I ever brought to Lucifer, Mikey. I got out of that business.’~33~

‘Ayuh, I know. Ye drank blood from the Saviour so that Lucifer couldn’t find ye and ye got away. But ye still killed her.’ I was getting tired of this conversation.~34~
The Savior is on the cross.

Mikey’s mother takes some of the Savior’s blood. Mikey will not be born for at least some period of time. Kevin sees her take the blood.

It is unknown just when Mikey drank the Savior’s blood. It would seem that probably he put the bite on mom and acquired the blood from her after Mikey was born. That doesn’t answer why he has the thorn bracelet or even that there is any power in the bracelet since he drank the Savior’s blood to hide from Lucifer. Maybe Mikey drank the Savior’s blood while he was on the cross. If so, why did he wait to kill mom?

(‘She was the last thing I ever brought to Lucifer, Mikey. I got out of that business.’) This seems to reinforce the idea that Mikey got the blood from Kevin’s mother.
(‘She was the last thing I ever SENT to Lucifer, Mikey. I got out of that business.’)

Mikey wants to hide from Lucifer so why would he bring mom to Lucifer? This could be he brought her to the dark-side. She became a vampire. After that Mikey simply killed.

It is unknown how Mikey’s mother might conceive using the blood of the Savior, but it seems she should also be hidden from Lucifer.


The best scenario I can come up with:

Kevin takes the blood of the Savior and at the same time the crown of thorns, which he fashions into a bracelet of thorns. Mikey’s mother also takes blood from the Savior at approximately the same time. Mikey gives mom a little nip at the neck, not to kill but to transform into a vampire. Vampire/Yitch mom uses the blood to conceive Mikey.

This still leaves the question, what happened to mom?

I am confused about the series of events.


# 39

Crown of thorns and bracelet of thorns. I got hung up a little, the ole stake through the heart thing. My fault. It took only a few seconds to realize the counter blessing.


*

Absolutely nothing more than my opinions, please make of them what you will.

Wally
111
111
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Well written. I don't know where it comes from, but could well be the prelude. Descriptive without being overly wordy.


*

...a dark womb from which only the greatest evil could be born had begin to bulge... (had begin - had begun - began - suggest: ...evil could be born began to bulge...)

*

Nothing more than my opinions,; please make of them what you will.

Wally
112
112
Review of Theodore  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Ah, looks are not everything.

I found the story to be a very descriptive moment in time.

Nadine may be a little shallow. She was about to leave before Theodore's eyes caught her attention. Will they live happily ever-after or will someone's good looks get her attention? I guess I'll have to figure that out myself.

Well written.

Wally
113
113
Review of An Honest Mistake  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
What a picture.

If you can't read this it's because I'm laughing so much while trying to type.

Nothing more to say.

Wally
114
114
Review of Who Barks Last  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Your story strikes a chord.

I am not a dog lover, but my daughter, son-in-law and two granddaughters are. Not long ago two of their five dogs had to be put down, not puppies. One was about fifteen and very sick. One about ten with multiple tumors. There were plenty of tears. I can imagine that the vet, who must have a love for animals, would find it hard for more than one reason.

If there is anything negative to say, as a hint fiction piece, it would probably be that the story is so complete adding more wouldn't add to the emotion.

Wally
115
115
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (4.0)
No one is responsible. Everyone is a victim. A maniac with a machete isn't responsible for hacking six people to death; it is because of his neglected childhood or a reaction to drinking too much coffee. We cannot be held accountable for our failures because of the oppression of our ancestors. We snap and do unthinkable things when the pressures become too great. There's no end to the excuses.

We nod our heads in agreement to those vocalizing these sentiments rather than take the chance of being chastised for the belief that we are responsible for our actions.

Well, that's what I got from your essay.

*
A few things to look at:

The people who indulge excuses become complicit accessories to the lies and evasions that that every excuse carries. (that that)

They are completely at our mercy for what we give them to conduct their lives with. (consider removing WITH)

Calling the bluff of people who have long been allowed to get away with poor behavior and shoddy values involves a lot of protest and indignation, especially of it they have become culturally institutionalized. (especially of it they have become (?))

Those who have the temerity not to indulge excuse making therefore commonly have to deal with people... (not to indulge excuse - not to indulge IN excuse) (consider: temerity to not indulge in excuse)

Corruption of this kind has way of ganging up on anyone who challenges it. (has A way)

Fighting corruption always has to end in a fight, because no one willing gives up illicit gains. And corrupt practice always has powerful friends. (end in a fight - Fighting an fight - consider something like: end in confrontation.) (willing - willingly)

In the real world, making moral stands can make one look a marginalized fool, One may have to learn to hold one's tongue.

Then perhaps people like me will be able to land some real punches: (consider replacing the colon with a period) (I don't know. Consider replacing this line. I don't think landing punches fits well with the idea that at some point reasonable people may come to realize that staying quiet serves no moral purpose.)

When you have learnt to be honest; when you have started to be considerate and other regarding... (?) (Does this mean regarding the rights of others?)

*

I might shorten the piece a little. Although I normally don't care for examples, this essay might be improved by one or two short examples.

*

Nothing more than my opinions; please make of them what you will.

Wally
116
116
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
You touch on some of the positive effects gained with the responsibility of having a job. They are valid points.


*

You are speaking to adults that have it within their power to make changes. In order to get your point across the reader must never become bored at redundant statements. Unless examples provide new understanding I wouldn’t use them. Rehashing known facts has a tendency to turn off the reader.

Example. ha,ha: Several years ago one of my bosses told me that he was afraid to ask me what time it was for fear I would give him a dissertation on the theory of time.

Get in everything you need to say, but keep it as short and to the point as possible.


One of your paragraphs:
Many teenagers don’t know the meaning of being responsible, except for getting to school on time and doing their homework. If they were to get a job at an earlier age than after 16, then they would begin to be more responsible, so parents wouldn’t have to worry so much by the time their kids go off to college. One way for them to begin learning responsibility would be for them to be on time every day they had to work. For example, they would have to clock in on time or else they would have to go and talk to their supervisor about why they are late. Also, they would learn how to save their money, if they run out of money, they can’t just go and ask their parents or boss for more money because they weren't responsible enough to save any. Not only would it teach them responsibility for money and to be at work on time, it would also help them learn how to work well with others. Sure, at school they have random group projects, but they are familiar with the other students at school. For example, if they got a job where they had to take orders from customers, or answer phones, then they would find out how people in the real world are.

How I might write:
Many teenagers don’t know the meaning of responsibility beyond getting to school on time and doing their homework. One way for them to begin learning responsibility would be the need to be on time every day they had to work. Also, they would learn how to save their money. If they run out of money, they can’t just go and ask their parents or boss for more money because they weren't responsible enough to save any. It would also help them learn how to work well with others. Taking orders from customers or answering phones provides experience you simply cannot get from school. Allowing teenagers to work at a paying job before the age of sixteen builds maturity needed in the real world.

Only the way I might write it, but I can't. It's yours to write and only you know how to write it.

*

There are no line spaces between the paragraphs, possibility the result of losing the indents if the essay has been pasted in. Lack of the space makes it a little difficult to read.

*

In the end, write the essay the way you want. I can provide only my opinions; please make of them what you will.

Wally
117
117
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I watch O'Reilly nearly every week night. If I must be pigeonholed I would fall into the conservative bracket.

I've seen Juan Williams several times on Fox. It is unlikely that I would agree with Mr. Williams opinions, but he came off as an intelligent individual. At some point he nearly always supported some absolutely illogical view. A couple weeks ago, while watching with my wife, I asked, "What's wrong with that guy?"

Then I found out. Since hosting The Factor last Friday I've watched and listened to him. O'Reilly is right. His firing was the best thing that could have happened to him. Juan unmuzzled. I still may not agree with him often, but at least he offers something to ponder.

Maybe his firing will have another positive effect. Maybe it will bring to light the idiocy of PC. (If I can still use that word.)


*
A couple things that caught my attention:

They not only fired a well known and well liked Author, Radio personality that was even respected by the so called right, but did... (I don't know that author and radio should be capitalized. For consideration only: They not only fired a well known and well liked author and radio personality that was respected, even by the so right, but did...)

...dastardly Republicans or Conservatives were dealt with to the fullest exstreame. (extreame - extreme)

...went out of her way to slur Juan Williams's state of mental... (Williams's - Williams')


*

As a side note in the news on Friday 10/22/10 a stagehand was asked to remove his hat and to turn his sweatshirt inside out because the shirt and hat supposedly had a political message on them. The stagehand refused and was fired.

(This is something I have not heard. Not that I doubt you, but I will check it out before I start screaming and shaking my fist at every liberal in the country. What we hear today, more than half truths or even bits taken out of context, borders on out and out lies, then blown up by the media. I try to always be factual, but most certainly, everyone should take the responsibility of learning the truth before taking sides. That includes anything I might say.)

(There are some wanting a change of name for the state of "The State of Rhode Island and Providence Plantation" (Official name. I didn't know until today.) to simply "The State of Rhode Island." The reason? The word plantation is connected to memories of slavery and thus offensive. Don't believe me? check it out.)



The CEO Vivian Schiller went out of her way to slur Juan Williams's state of mental health and suggested that he was seeing a Psychiatrist.

(Schiller said something incredibly stupid, but this is one place that I think right leaning and to some extent even the moderate left should drop. The implication is that Schiller is calling Williams crazy or unstable. Maybe that is what she thinks. I don't know, but it has become such an outrage, for what? It comes close to the PC O'Reilly rails against. Was Juan Williams' firing offensive? Yes. Were Schiller's statements offensive? Yes. Whose mental health is most in question? The story's out there, I think people can decide.)

*

Only my opinions; please make of them what you will.

Wally
118
118
Review of Highway Robbery  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I liked the story. The dialog works well. I got a clear picture of the events.

Unlike another of your stories (The Meadow) , this story leaves little room for interpretation. I like both. Simply repeating your story serves no purpose, so this review, like most I do, may seem to only point out things I question.

*
A few questions, comments and observations:


“And the valuables you got in them breeches too,” the third man said, off to her right with a short sword and dented, rusty helm. (helm? Is this helmet?)

The bandits shouted and spluttered, the dust settling into their eyes and noses, burning and swelling the soft tissues there. (consider removing "there.")

As she rolled onto her back, she bucked her back and lifted herself into the air... ("her back" used twice so close together stands out a little. Consider removing the second. I think the imagery would still remain.)

...and watched as his eyes rolled back into his head while he slumped to the ground. (By this time he had only one eye.)


Lil crouched and spun the bow to her left hand and with one fluid motion drew the knife... (What bow? She had a staff.)

*

Certainly, nothing more than my opinions; please make of them what you will.

Wally
119
119
Review of The Meadow  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
What I see:

Older Captain. Knows what a puppy is. Probably born on Earth or at least studied Earth history.
Young technician. Doesn't know what a puppy is. Never been on Earth.
A low tech version of Star Trek's hologram rooms. Maybe the only one on the ship. Crew may take turns. A little break from the monotony of extended space travel. The tech, when it is his turn, will probably play Space Invaders or something.
The ship may have left Mars on a journey far out of the solar system.

Well, that's what I see it. Who knows about the next reader. That's a great thing about these very short stories; everyone reads a different story.

Well done. I enjoyed it.

Wally
120
120
Review of Under the Bed  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (5.0)
As the least poetic person in the world I can offer nothing useful.

This is one I can understand. Nice. It brings back nearly forgotten memories. Maybe I will take the chance, just a peek mind you.

Wally
121
121
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I didn't know those tunes that get stuck in your head could actually drive you crazy, but maybe Michael/Michelle was already mostly there.



*
A few questions and observations:


‘When are you coming home darling’, its my mum on the voice mail. (its - it is - it's)

I never felt any of those while I lived with my mum in small town wagga, redknecks and bogans . That was then, that was Micahel. Imagine the reaction now, redknecks would have a field day. ‘A small town in wagga’, funny that, even though I lived there 21 years, I still didn’t call it home. (Caps - I take it Wagga is the town Wagga Wagga) (redknecks? Is this rednecks?) (Micahel - Michael)

‘….A hustle here and a hustle there…’ turn it of Lou you are beginning to get on my nerves. (turn it of - Turn it off)

No one really cares if you’r a tranny... (you'r - you're)

Ok, time to call mum. Hi mum, its me... (Ok - Okay OR OK)

If I do that then you win, and your not even real, I am. (your - you"re)

No not that not Wagga, its not home. Its just bricks and mortar... (punctuation - maybe - No, not that, not Wagga)

I don’t need here I’m strong. (?) (here - her)

‘its 2 o’clock and this is ABC National... (its - it's)


*

Only my opinions, please make of them what you will.

Wally
122
122
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
First. Welcome to WDC.

The TO BE CONTINUED is a big hint that the story is not finished. Your story has an interesting beginning. Where you go with it is entirely up to you and your imagination.

Repeating your story serves no purpose. How could I know it better than you. Most of my reviews lean toward the negative, at least those things I question. That is certainly not indicative of the quality of the idea behind the story or the story itself. All I have to offer are opinions based on my viewpoint only. You are the author, consider or disregard according to your own point of view.

*
Some observations and comments:

Your sentence:
I've heard what you kids do on the night of... (Up to this point I wondered if there might be a problem in pasting to this site. There is an apostrophe in "I've" which seems to indicate other missing punctuation is not a technical problem.)

cant - can not - can't
ive - I have - I've
Ill - I will - I'll


...she had died brown hair... (Was her hair dead? Was her hair colored? - died - dyed)


Your sentence:
I love my mom, but i wish sometimes she would just stay out of my life, she knows that im not an idiot and i wouldnt do anything to get into to much trouble.

With corrections:
I love my mom, but I wish sometimes she would just stay out of my life, she knows that I'm not an idiot and I wouldn't do anything to get into too much trouble.


Your lines:
Thats my mom Carmen, she hasnt been the same since my father passed. Shes been threw at least 9 boyfriends in the past 7 years, the one shes with now.. well shes better off without him. (missing apostrophes - Thats - hasnt) (9 and 6 should be spelled out - nine - six)

With corrections:
That's my mom Carmen, she hasn't been the same since my father passed. She's been through at least nine boyfriends in the past seven years, the one she's with now...well she's better off without him.

Corrections without contractions:
That is my mom Carmen, she has not been the same since my father passed. She has been through at least nine boyfriends in the past seven years, the one she is with now...well she is better off without him.




My friends think its silly and pointless, but for me, it gives me closer. (its - it is - it's) (closer - closure)

...a million times and never got tierd of hearing... (tierd - tired)

There are a number of misspellings.

*

One major issue is the lack of apostrophes required in contractions and plurals. I am one of the last to put constraints on creativity (tell the story you want to tell), but there is a need for conformity when it comes to communication...a common bond. We must obey the rules if we are to be taken seriously. If readers are turned off by poor communicative skills your story is never told.

I do not write this as an authority on the written word. I am far from it. My background is totally removed from the literary arts, but I try to learn and try to pass on bits of what I have picked up from those who do know.

It is your story. It is yours to tell. Stories never relate to every reader. Some will like it. Some won't. That cannot be helped. It is up to the reader. Just present your story so that all will read.

As always, these are only my opinions. Please make of them what you will.

Wally
123
123
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (5.0)
I get the idea of the Big Bang cycling, creating the galaxy again and again. The idea that each galaxy is a universe unto itself. This time a small piece escaped and in the end discarded, unrecognized for what it is. It may not be your intention, but that is what I get.

Only one thing caught my eye:
The pebble was traded hands to a rougher, more callused pair. (?)

The pebble was traded; soft hands to a rougher, more callused pair.


Well done. Certainly something to ponder.

Wally
124
124
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
We are entering probably one of the most dangerous times in history. Organizations having total disregard even for their own people have grown so powerful that they may acquire nuclear weapons through their own resources or the takeover of governments already having nuclear capability.

*

We desperately need to figure out a way to make nuclear warefare (warfare) obsolete soon or we all might be in trouble.

How? Many articles I read have to do with “Green Energy.” Virtually all include something like: We must turn to renewable sources of energy. We must turn to solar and wind to replace our reliance on fossil fuels. But, where is the plan? To those of us who know how empty a call to go “Green” is with regard to reality; there is only one question I have, how? Let’s hear it. Let’s debate it.

How do we rid the world of nuclear weapons? Things learned are never unlearned. Where is the plan?


*
Quite a number of typos and other errors:

oppinion - opinion
practicle - practical
warefare – warfare
colapse - collapse
exstinction – extinction


…would become an eat or be eaten type of world.
…would become an eat-or-be-eaten type of world.

There would be no laws, gangs would roam the streets.
There would be no laws; gangs would roam the streets.
OR
There would be no laws. Gangs would roam the streets.


There are no apostrophes in any of the many contractions.
There are missing words and extra words.

*

These are only my opinions; please make of them what you will.

Wally
125
125
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A longish short-story. I have other things I should be doing now, but found I had to finish reading. Very good.

Ah, the matches of old. We called them kitchen matches, the strike anywhere kind. I don't know if you can even buy them anymore. Safety matches are pitiful in comparison. When I was somewhere around Tommy's age I used a short piece of quarter inch copper tubing (for a barrel), shaved the heads off six or eight kitchen matches and cut a half inch piece from a quarter inch bolt (bullet). Tamped the powder and bullet into the barrel, put it on a concrete block and aimed it at a galvanized bucket three feet away. I held the barrel down with another concrete block. Not a candle, I used a propane torch. The bullet flew forward, putting a hole through both sides of the bucket. The barrel split and flew backwards. That's the last time I ever tried that. Looking back at some of the things I've done, it's a wonder I still have all my body parts.


*

The best I can come up with is:

The Lord is a jealous and avenging God; the Lord takes vengeance and is filled with wrath. The Lord takes vengeance on his foes and maintains his wrath against his enemies.

Am I close?

*

A few questions, comments and observations:


"You what? You hate Religion?" Aunt Hilda was incredulous.

"Yes. No, I mean--I don't hate religion. I hate the subject--ouch!"

Aunt Hilda was pulling him by the ear.

"Come here, you little scoundrel, you!"

She led him flailing and lashing--like an evil spirit burning in the Lake of Fire--to the form of the Redeemer, and made him kneel down.

(Scoundrel, by definition is correct, but by use, especially with little - little scoundrel - and children, usually is not connected to the wrath Hilda has. - "Johnny, you took a cookie out of the cookie jar, didn't you." Johnny sadly looks at his feet. "Yes, mom." "Well, come here you little scoundrel, you." - Followed by a hug. The exclamation point helps, but I don't think it is strong enough. - Tommy never knew his father. I would be tempted to have Hilda say: "Come here you little bastard!")



Then he threw away the match sticks in the trash can outside (opening and shutting the door like a mouse), went back to the kitchen, scrubbed the mortar and pestle, and returned them and the cutter to their proper places. Within a few minutes he was asleep. (opening and shutting the door like a mouse (?) I know he did it quietly and "quiet as a mouse" is a bit overdone, but picturing a mouse opening and closing a door, well...)



Every five days or so, the boy bought a few boxes of long matches. He varied the vendors as much as possible; sometimes he bought the boxes from a shop in a neighboring town. By mid-May, he had three stashes of match powder; a big one and two smaller ones. Tommy planned a trial detonation--two of them, actually--to test the effect of packing on the strength of the explosion. To this end, he bought a couple of M&M tubes, some cotton and a few sparklers. Shops were already stocking up on fireworks for the Fourth of July, with sparklers arriving in great quantities. They made excellent fuses. (Only a question. Under the conditions Tommy lives, where does he get the money to buy matches, sparklers and M&Ms? Assuming he gets a small allowance, why doesn't Hilda keep track of where his money goes?)



He had stripped matches and made them into powder for the last three months of his life--and it was all for nothing. Never mind the lost hours of sleep, never mind the--

Hold it, kiddo. You've still got one more to go. (in italics - Appears to be Tommy's thoughts and not intrusion by the author. In his frame of mind, I just wonder that he would think this thought.)

Yeah, but what good would it do?

*

Nothing more than my opinions, please make of them what you will.

Wally
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