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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/willene
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36 Public Reviews Given
37 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello Lilith, my name is Helene. I found your Valentine story on the sponsored item list, and I would like to make some GPs. I saw that you were ‘hiring’, but I would probably not make that cut, since I had never studied literature at the university. I started writing a few months ago, so I would not deem myself as an expert.

I've completed the Sunrise Fiction Writing Course at the New Horizons Academy here on the site, and what I’ve shared with you in this review are things that I've learnt there.

I know they are on the verge of starting a new course, and I’m not sure, but if you’re interested, they may still have a spot. The contact person is Boos girl . It was a very tough course for me, but she taught me a lot in eight weeks.

Of course this review is just my opinion, for you to do with as you please.

Setting: What do you mean with the ‘deranged’ coffee shop? Do you mean ‘insane’ or ‘in disorder’? If ‘insane’, is it just because the owners also sell candy? There is a chain of coffee shops in our city that sells chocolates, and they are the most popular coffee shops in town. You’ll have to convince me if ‘insane’ is the word you want to use. If it’s ‘in disorder’, show me with a physical description that the shop is in disarray, but before you do this, decide whether it’s important for the reader to have this information, because I’m not sure that it is.

Plot: I came across the following titbit about writing a plot the other day:

If an author writes, “The king died and then the queen died”, there is no plot, but if s/he writes, “The king died and then the queen died of grief”, s/he has a plot line for a story.

A plot is a causal sequence of events – the "why" for things that happen in the story. The plot draws the reader into the character's lives and helps the reader understand the choices that the characters make.


You can read the article and what follows thereafter here:
http://www.learner.org/interactives/literature/rea...

Your story was about your character’s dislike of the valentine’s idea, but then we found out that she was only pretending to protect herself from being disappointed if she didn’t get a valentine’s day of her own. This is why Andrew’s surprise was so successful – even more than it would be for a girl who was into the valentine stuff.

Is your second sentence, “It seemed more of a place to take your kids to if you felt like living in Hell for the day rather than a place to relax and enjoy a good cup of coffee.” necessary to further your plot? If you want it in, you’ll have to make the link with the rest of the story clear. Why would anyone feel like living in hell for an afternoon? Even worse, why would someone feel like taking their kids to hell for the afternoon? Do you see what I’m getting at? You must let me see and hear and feel and smell and taste this coffee shop with all my senses. Then you will place me (the reader) in that scene with you. If it is insanity/disarray that you want me to sense, show me what in the shop speaks of insanity/disarray.

It’s not that you can’t do sensory description. You’ve done it really well in the paragraph where you describe the scene with Andrew at his place:

Teacup candles were hanging from fishing lines in a dozen different areas of the ceiling. Dark red candles glowed on the floor surrounding a plaid blanket, which had been thrown loosely over the floor. Two wine glasses rested beside the blanket with a couple dishes of grilled chicken and steamed vegetables, covered in a tangy looking sauce. I smelled the wood burning before I heard it crackle in the fireplace beside me.


Characters: You’ve managed to build strong characters in such a short story. We know that your main character is, in spite of her pretences, an utter romantic. We know how she values real love every day – not only on Valentine’s Day. Since the reader finds out that she's pretended her disgust with the hype of the day, s/he may wonder if the main character has also pretended to be irritated with the kids. Is she perhaps jealous of the two couples? Is that part of the irritation? This makes your character mysterious, and I want to find out more about her. It would have been nice to know her name though. It's easier to identify with someone if you know h/is name. It's easier for me to write this review now that I've seen your name is Lilith - much more personal than just M Blackwell.

We know that Andrew is romantic as well. He is a clever guy, because he has seen through all the main character’s pretences. He is brave, because he takes a chance, even though he knows he may be rejected.

Technical Stuff: I’ve picked up some grammar and spelling slip-ups here and there, but I’m a stickler when it comes to grammar and spelling. Maybe it’s just my thing, because English is not my mother tongue, and I have to be extra careful:

• Note the apostrophe in the possessive form.

... they nuzzled together in the booth, drinking from each other’s tea...

• Your second paragraph starts in the simple past tense, but then it suddenly changes to the present perfect tense, and then back again to the simple past tense:

... It perplexed me to see them so inexplicably happy. I've seen the mother in this place before. She always looked tired and angry...

Keeping verbs in a paragraph in the same tense is something that I also struggle with, so I try to make a point of reading every piece of my work just to do this check.

This isn’t supposed to be a proofread though, so I leave it up to you to clean up the rest, unless you want me to check it for you, but then I’ll do it in MS Word and send you an attachment – it will be easier.

• I want to refer you to an exercise on the web about the (over)use of adjectives and adverbs. It may be interesting to do this exercise with your story and see what happens. *Wink*

http://walkthewalkblog.blogspot.com/2011/01/creati...

Favourite Parts: My favourite part is, of course, the ending where the hard shell cracks and the main character turns all mushy when Andrew surprises her. *Bigsmile*

Another part that made me giggle out loud was Andrew mocking her on the phone:

"Like you haven't enjoyed a good sucking yourself."


General Impressions: I can identify with your main character, because I agree that love should be celebrated every day - not only on Valentine's Day. That doesn't mean that I don't enjoy the surprises my husband showers on me on the day though.

Keep on writing!!

Kind regards


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2
2
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello Anita, You asked for my opinion on your work, and I'll try to give you a review to the best of my ability. I don't know if I'm the perfect person for the job, however, because fantasy/Sci-Fi isn't really my thing. However, I've recently finished the Sunrise Course in Fiction Writing at the New Horizons Writing Academy here on Writing.Com, and I've learnt a whole deal about writing stories. I'd like to share some of that with you. Maybe you'd like to do some of the courses yourself? Of course this review is only my opinion, and you know how subjective opinions can be.

Just before I read the two parts of your story, I went to check out your Biography, and I see that you're only 15 years old? That makes me so jealous, because you have such a long way ahead of you in terms of time. I only really started writing recently as well, and I am more than 20 years past my 15th birthday. *Laugh* I'm also envious of your courage, because when I was 15, I didn't have half the courage that you have now. I think these two things are very much in your favour.

But I'm sure you'd like to get to the real review.

General Impressions: I actually started reading the Chapters first, before I came back to read the 'About the Story' bit. I felt a bit lost, but then when I came back to read the background, I realised that you've lost your first story when your pc crashed. The thing is, if you really want to develop this into a series, like Harry Potter, for example, there is nothing else to do but rewrite the whole thing. At the moment it feels like starting to read Harry Potter from the second book onwards. I would never do that, because the first book sets the scene for everything else. I'm sorry if this is not good news. *Sad*

Setting, Plot and Characters: Here you are one step ahead of me as well!! I've written a few short stories - some of them more like sketches - by now, but I haven't got 'the big idea' yet. You have the idea, and you've even started developing the setting, plot and characters, but it's a bit fragmented at the moment. Again, this may be because you lost the first story, but again, if you really want to draw the reader into your story from the beginning, you have to rewrite that first story. You have to paint the pictures you have in your head in such a way that I (the reader) can experience it with you and your characters. At the moment, you have it all in your head, perhaps, but I don't. Does this make any sense?

Technical Aspects: This may have to do with our age differences, because you are from the cellphone/sms writing-style generation, and I'm a huge stickler (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/stickler) when it comes to spelling and grammar. It may also be that English is not your mother tongue. This is also my problem, because you are never as comfortable in a second language as in your native one. It's all OK to write for yourself and for fun like you've done so far, but if you want to be taken seriously as a writer, and if you want your manuscripts to be read by a publisher and not be thrown in the nearest bin, you have to show them that you are serious about writing, and that you take your craft seriously.

One of the ways in which you could do that is to make sure that you write with proper spelling and grammar. Having full stops after sentences and starting each sentence with a capital letter are such basic things that I shouldn’t even have to talk about it. These days, spelling and grammar checks are so much easier jut with the click of a button on MS Word. Just be careful of words that have different spellings but sound the same, because the spell checker won't pick that up. A good dictionary is any writer's best friend. I have about twelve or so on my shelf, and I use them every day. Oh! Plus Dictionary.com of which I gave you the link above. You also have the advantage that you are still in high school, and if you really work hard, I am sure you'll be able to improve your writing ability by 200%. I'm sure I sound exactly like a schoolteacher! Please forgive me.

Last but most important: Please don’t be discouraged by my long and intense rambling. I’ve had to face the same stuff – and much worse – from my teacher in the course that I recently did. One of the biggest things that I’ve learnt here on Writing.com is that you have to have a thick skin and not take critique as a personal insult. Once you’ve learnt that, Anita, you’ve already half won the battle.


Kind regards
Helene - Missing being here!


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3
3
Review of The Shed  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This story grabbed hold of my heart, Kim, and it wouldn't let go. The irony from your catch phrase, "Children say the darnedest things" (which reminded me of the fun TV series) to what happened in the story reflects so much what happens in real life, doesn't it? We so often prefer to look the other way, for whatever reason.

I must also say that I admire your 24-hour 'blitzkrieg' skill. I've tried to enter the writer's cramp twice already, and I haven't been able to pull a story off in 24 hours - never mind one that comes close to the quality of this one. Well done.


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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4
4
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Absolutely endearing, Pepper. The paradox between Meggie's fairy and her dad's fairy is hilarious. I can just see this naughty guy - with his big smirk and all - snuggled up with his daughter on the princess bed she got from the step-dad. I wonder what he would have thought if he could have witnessed this scene as a fairy on top of one of the bedposts!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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5
5
Review of The Stacks  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a sweet story. There's always something very romantic about a library, and I like the unfeigned innocence of both characters. I also loved the perspective of the grad student at the end. All I'm wondering about is if he was already her boyfriend, because this kiss was their first. This is the only thing I would change - maybe make them old friends who knew each other since they were babies, and suddenly discovering that they actually love each other.
6
6
Review of Christmas Haiku  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Now here's a little treasure - in spite of the fact that none of the senses are at all included in the Haiku.
Someone else (commenting on my Caffeine chain) said that he had read in an article that Haiku is Haiku when the writer calls it that - period.
I love that the innocence and excitement of your child built into this poem are almost inseparable.
And I love that it is so clear that when they are small, simple things (one-dollar treasures) can still excite them.


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
7
7
Review of ME & YOU  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Some serious hacking you have here. I like the choppy edges of the poem's profile that strengthen the feeling of being hacked. The images that you paint with words are raw and bloody and real. It screams of hurt and anger and acceptance all at the same time.
This poem touched me deeply.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "ME & YOU" .
8
8
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I love the word puzzle - it's perfect. I tend to see patterns and illusional pictures really easily though, and I know not all people do (even with the bold lettering), so I'm wondering if a left alignment would help to make it clearer. Although, I understand why you centred it, because otherwise it's just propped onto the left side of the page. Maybe they should give us an option to left-align in the middle of the page - really ugly :). (Then again, my attention to detail is a blessing and a curse all at the same time!) ;D

I love the washing up on shore via the interstate - it's a gorgeous play of words.

I also like the way in which you know that the narrator left New Orleans and then came back, but you're never really sure whether it was on a visit or to stay permanently. The reality that "floats away" when "New Orleans captures" make it seem like a visit. But s/he can also move back permanently, leaving an old reality behind and creating a new one.

Great work.
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