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1
1
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I read this a bit ago when judging my contest (obviously *Smile*) and just now got around to finishing this review. i.e. Making it legible to anyone other than me. This is pretty much notes as I read it, so here we go:

The Good


*Thumbsup* Like the ending. Not some corny, Harry Potter-esk junk. (No disrespect if you happen to like Harry Potter and its ending.)

*Thumbsup* Engaging.

*Thumbsup* "...Steeanth,' he growled."

Nice. Adds a lot to the character and description with just that one word he says there combined with his cackling.

The Bad


*Thumbsdown* "...she felt the warmth on his back, despite the bitter rain."

kind of odd... A few other kind of odd descriptions are throughout the piece.

The Wrap Up


Thought at first, it was going to be a Lord of the Rings throw-back, but you certainly added your own flair to it. It also has some Star Wars and Harry Potter elements to it. Great opening to what promises to be an interesting little tale. May the muse be with you, and I hope you find this review helpful, ~*~Rater~Moon~*~

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2
2
Review of Think of Me  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
I read this a bit ago when judging my contest and just now got around to finishing this review. i.e. Making it legible to anyone other than me. This is pretty much notes as I read it, so here we go:

The Good


*Thumbsup* Enchanting mood/tone

*Thumbsup* An "Awwwwww!" moment ending

*Thumbsup* Drew my in and held me raptured for the most part.

*Thumbsup* Nice connenction/tie-in between the two tales.

The Bad


*Thumbsdown*"...leave his misery.

When he opened his eyes again..."

A little jerky transition between these two paragraphs. I'd add a little something.

The Wrap Up


Lovely re-telling of a crucial part from a favorite old tale! I think it could be strengthened with more sensory details (he is a Beast, after all).
May the muse be with you, and I hope you find this review helpful, ~*~Rater~Moon~*~

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3
3
Review of The Dreamer  
Rated: E | (3.5)
I read this a bit ago when judging my contest and just now got around to finishing this review. i.e. Making it legible to anyone other than me. This is pretty much notes as I read it, so here we go:

The Good


*Thumbsup* "will only cost you one year of enslavement, or your firstborn child. What will it be?"

Pure awesomeness.

*Thumbsup* Very creative plot.

*Thumbsup* A name pronunciation guide is always a plus.

*Thumbsup* Bonus points for Morto, period.


The Bad


*Thumbsdown* I don't like the shifting pov taken in the opening. It kind of jarrs me out of the story and all over the place. I feel shaken and in danger of getting whiplash.

*Thumbsdown* She had not yet been born and there they were for all in the room to see. The parents waited expectantly

Curious about this birth scene, as she apparently floats into the room appearing 10 yrs old. Also, she's part fairy, so what parent's not full fairy? Also lost with this whole "others" thing...

*Thumbsdown* seems very contrived a places.

The Wrap Up


A great story that just seems a little forced. A little more time to smooth it out a bit and this piece will shine! May the muse be with you, and I hope you find this review helpful, ~*~Rater~Moon~*~

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4
4
Review of Shadow Detective  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Partially true, eh? What part? It was an intriguing read. I just have a few comments and suggestions. My comments are now green, and quotes from your piece are blue. (The comment/quote sets are also numbered.)

Spelling, Grammar, Etc:

1. She hadn’t moved a muscle, except for her eyes to spring wide open.

Something is amiss in this sentence. "except her eyes sprung wide open" maybe... Or "...except her eyes, which sprung wide open." or something

2. The deafening silence was so loud she could hear the train roaring as her heartbeat sped out of control.

Seems a little contradictory, no? Or perhaps it's just a little too figurative for me.

3. couldn’t here a sound

"hear"

3/5

Opening & Closing

Dig the tension in the opening. Brings me right in. *Thumbsup* *Thumbsup* Had me fearing I was gonna have a heart attack from all those pizza, donuts, and burgers I've been eating lately.

Intruguing ending. It left me kind of lost in space though... (See #4 under plot/storyline)

6/10

Characters/Characterization:

1. You do a good job bringing the reader in with the main character and her panicy wake-up, but then she seems a little too together. You know, there's an attacker in your room, you start thinking about jumping out windows, and objects near that can be used as weapons, or just plain freak out before you think of the consequences. You main character seemed very together, as if she did this regularly, which other things point to that not being true. Afterwards, you'd think she'd run screaming (or just terrified) out of the house, to a neighbor perhaps, and call the police. Also, she continually returns home to face this, alone and doesn't seem to tell anyone... Seems off. If this is a dream, it could then work. (see #4 under plot/storyline for more on it being a dream and working better.)

2. In this long a piece, it's nice for your character to have a name. You know, once you name it, you get attached. Similarly, when you name a character, it helps the reader sympathize with 'em. Of course, if there's some reason for the lack of name... (once again, see #4 on plot/storyline)

4/10

Scenes:

1. cloak of darkness, slipping silently through the house

Nice. *Thumbsup* Dig the alliteration.

2. It had been a hectic day at work.

Not so smooth a transition from the previous scene to this one. You might try adding an asterisk on the lines between the paragraphs or something.

3. I like the tension contained in the first instance. In the second one, she seems more tired with the whole thing than scared.

4. I dig the tension in the first few scenes. *Thumbsup* I'm kind of dissappointed by the lack of it in the following scenes. You kind of regain it again towards the end, but in the middle, I don't feel the terror. I feel more bored/tired with the charade.

7/10

Plot/Storyline:

1. She had no options. She could wait there silently

I thought she had no options... No window in the room? & you also name a few after that.

2. Does she work at night? It being pitch black, I assumed it was nighttime. Yet, she leaves to go to work. *Confused* She seriously waits that long, with each minute seeming like an hour? Or does she work really early?

3. near her only exit.

What happened to the back porch? & windows? Does she not have windows, or a garage/side door?

4. I see what you're trying to do with the plot, and it's intriguing *Thumbsup*, but it might be a little too mysterious. I, the reader, need some explanation for those last two lines. I wonder when that happened and why and how.

6/10

Thoughts/Pure Enjoyment/Creativity:

This is certainly a creative piece, and I dig the ideas behind it. This piece just is warring with itself, not guite being the supernatural tale you might have intended, but also not quite going so mainstream. If the tale is supposed to be all mysterious like, kind of out of focus, I'd add a more "mainstream" part to explain. (By mainstream, I just mean the more standard stuff, which would entail most of my suggestions, like a name & #1 under characterization.) Or, you can mainstream the whole story using my suggestions in Characterization #1 and still retain the twist at the end. (Though, a bit of explanation of those last lines are still in order. For mainstreamed though, I'd add some confrantation with whatever was watching her in the basement.) I do really like the story, as I said, and would love to see which direction you take it in. ::has random attachment to the piece::

4/5

Layout/Style/Content Rating:

Seems accurate. A little more description of the gist of the piece might be nice in the description, though, to make it more reader-friendly.

~*~Overall~*~


A great story that just seems a little confused and dragged in multiple directions. A little editing can cure that easily, though. May the muse be with you, and I hope you find this review helpful, ~*~Rater~Moon~*~

30/50 or 3 stars

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5
5
Review of The Darkest  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A beautiful poem, Sage.

The Good


*Thumbsup* With metal chiming between blade and shield,

My favorite stanza *Smile* It's really powerful. I dig the rhythm here. The visual of the stanza is great too. It kind of arrows down a little bit.

*Thumbsup* A lot of great images in the poem. My favorite would have to be the description of The Darkest one.

*Thumbsup* The last stanza rocks too. A great ending to the poem and the images in it kind of linger in the mind.

*Thumbsup* Good job using rhyme. It flows naturally.

The Bad


*Thumbsdown* For out around ran an army dark

It gets a little tongue twistery for me at times. (It could very well just be me, though. I just can't say the line above, even in my mind. It's the "around" and "ran".

The Wrap Up


A beautiful poem filled with haunting images. The rhythm is a little off in a few places (or maybe I just get tongue tied...) May the muse be with you, and I hope you find this review helpful, ~*~Rater~Moon~*~

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
6
6
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This is a reciprocal review on behalf of writetight, whom you were so kind as to have reviewed in the previous six months. (See "Invalid Item"  )

A great story that could be used as a fable. I just have a few comments and suggestions. My comments are now green, and quotes from your piece are blue. (The comment/quote sets are also numbered.)

Spelling, Grammar, Etc:

1. around the billy stick

Typo! Period's missing at the end of this sentence.

2. It was a cold and windy day

Two days in one sentence, both at the end of a, well, sentence part is kind of blech to read. I'd take out this first "day" by just saying "It was cold and windy" or something.

3. Otherwise, very good. I enjoyed the gaelic? phrases you included and how you put the translation next to it in grey italics. *Smile*

5/5

Opening & Closing

The opening brought me right into the story and the closing ended the piece perfectly.

9/10

Characters/Characterization:

All the characters are well done and stick to their personalities like glue. I find all of them entertaining and I don't really have a favorite...

9/10

Scenes:

Only one scene that reads very smoothly and at a nice pace for the piece.

9/10

Plot/Storyline:

I'm left with a few questions.

1. gnarled old shillelagh

I don't quite understand what a shillelagh is. At first, I imagined it to be bigger like a walking stick from this quote. But then when Rusty picked it up, I imagined it to be smaller and thinner since he calls it a baton. (Especially with magic, my mind jumped to wand.) Then, I looked up the definition and saw it to be a cudgel, which makes it sound big, and wondered why the leprechaun was carrying it around. It might be nice to include a little note explaining it at the end, though not necessary...

2. the doorbell rang once again

I don't understand where the doorbell came from... I thought they were in a bar, and the doorbell has never been mentioned...

3. Other than leaving me slightly confused, the story was very original and interesting.

8/10

Thoughts/Pure Enjoyment/Creativity:

I enjoyed this piece a lot. As I mentioned above, I particularly enjoyed the gaelic? words. If only I knew how to pronounce the words... The characters were also great and great part of why I enjoyed the story.

5/5

Layout/Style/Content Rating:

All seems accurate and reader-friendly.

~*~Overall~*~


A great story that just slightly confused me. A little minor tweaking should fix that though. May the muse be with you, and I hope you find this review helpful, ~*~Rater~Moon~*~

45/50 or 4.5 stars

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7
7
Review of Bloody Valentine  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Oooh! *::shivers::* Creepy piece! I just have a few comments and suggestions. My comments are now green, and quotes from your piece are blue. (The comment/quote sets are also numbered.)

Spelling, Grammar, Etc:

1. Margo got her back

just don't like the phrase "got her back" in this piece. You might consider rephrasing it. Here, maybe "Margo responded in kind." or something might be nice.

4.5/5

Opening & Closing

Opening brought me right into the story, although it might be nice to make those questions into her direct thoughts.

The closing was creepy. Perfect *Smirk*

9/10

Characters/Characterization:

1. I like the mirror best, although I was confused when it said,

"...Who would want to kill such a sweet, innocent little girl? Except yourself of course.”

And then it talked about sarcasm, and then later in the story, it said Blanche was mean... Does everyone hate Blanche too???

2. You might want to look into the names. For example, when I think Giles, I think of a lanky, nerdy-type fellow. Hot and Giles don't exactly go together for me, but that's just my connotation.

3. As for Margo, I was kind of wondering her age. (And Giles's age too!) Were they near Blanche's age, far older? Ect?

8/10

Scenes:

Not much description of the surroundings, but that doesn't seem particularly important to the piece. It really only has one scene, and some flashbacks that flow smoothly for the most part. It did get kind of choppy at certain parts. For example,

She was defiant and angry. She refused to obey her new stepmother.

I little more sentence variety should smooth that out.

8/10

Plot/Storyline:

Kept me interested *Smile*

9/10

Thoughts/Pure Enjoyment/Creativity:

I enjoyed this story a lot *Smirk* It was what I was looking for with my prompt. Muahahahah!

4/5

Layout/Style/Content Rating:

All seems accurate and reader friendly.

~*~Overall~*~


A great retelling that could just use a little smoothing out. May the muse be with you, and I hope you find this review helpful, ~*~Rater~Moon~*~

42.5/50 or 4 stars

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8
8
Review of No Amount of Love  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Interesting piece! I just have a few comments and suggestions. My comments are green, and quotes from your piece are blue. (The comment/quote sets are also noted by an *Note1*.)

Spelling, Grammar, Etc:

*Note1* Rene could not here,

Typo! "hear"

*Note1* mirror, “we’re

I'd change the comma to a period and capitalize "We're

*Note1* and don’t breath

Another typo. "breathe"

*Note1* Some nice similies in there *Smile*

4.5/5

Opening & Closing

*Note1* The opening set the first scene up nicely then brought me into the story.

*Note1* Loved the last line at the end. Probably my favorite part...

10/10

Characters/Characterization:

*Note1* Good job with Rene! I only wonder how old Rene is though... Remembers crop duster planes being used for attacks??? Actually, just trying to figure out when that happened. (The previous attacks...) Sara was well done too.

8/10

Scenes:

*Note1* Well done as usually, Wilcox. Good pace, right amount of description, and plenty of pull. I really liked the opening scene in the parking lot with the lisense plate *Smile*

9/10

Plot/Storyline:

*Note1* Can I let go of my breath now?”

How can you talk if you're holding your breath... One issue I had with this. They couldn't hold their breath that long, and talk, and run... And why doesn no one else seem to see what's going on. *::would think people would notice people randomly passing out on the ground... I think it would be more plausible if they started trying to hold their breath, failed, but simply hadn't inhailed enough of the stuff to pass out yet. Maybe that is what they did, but it seems like they didn't...

*Note1* Very interesting storyline and creative. Reminds me of a certain episode of The Twilight Zone...

7/10

Thoughts/Pure Enjoyment/Creativity:

A smooth read. *Cry* Sad, but very interesting before that. A little bouncy. (Bouncy could just be how I read it though.) I would like to see the title worked into the piece a little more though...

4/5

Layout/Style/Content Rating:

Looks good!

~*~Overall~*~


A dark piece that just leaves a few questions that you might want to answer. May the muse be with you, and I hope you find this review helpful, ~*~Rater~Moon~*~

43.5 /50 or 4.5 stars

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9
9
Review of Pure White  
Rated: E | (5.0)
A fabulous poem that rapt me up from the start! My only suggestion is minor:

for love and joy

I'd maybe put that in italics or something, if a shamen's saying it, or change the next line, which is otherwise kind of random. (God and shaman kind of contradict each other for me...) The next line could also do further musing on why she's crying.

Otherwise, I found this poem very enchanting! My favorite lines were the last four. (Got a thing for frozen *Smile*) I'm glad you decided to enter it in my contest! *Bigsmile* May the muse be with you, and I hope you find this review helpful, ~*~Rater Moon~*~

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10
10
Rated: E | (4.5)
Cool contest here, Titania! If all my gps weren't already gone, I'd donate to help raise the prizes. A few things though:

*Star* You should post a welcome message in the forum so it will show up in public listings, ect. (It just needs a first post, for that.)

*Star* So we can post all day February 12th?

Otherwise, very easy to follow and attractive to the eye. If I can stick to the word limit, I'll enter. Unfortunately, the vast majority of my stories are over 500 words. *Cry* I hope you get plenty of entries!

May the muse be with you, and I hope you find this review helpful, ~*~Rater~Moon~*~

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11
11
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A great poem with an awesome message. I just kind of stumbled a bit through it towards the end, though.

*Note1* Bring you to heal the cast of the coward

This line sounds cool, but I don't really understand it. (My poor, over-taxed brain.) Could very well just be me.

*Note1* The lie began small but then it did snowball

Right here it seems to lose the rhythm of the rest of the poem and kind of stumble a bit to regain it in the next line. (I stumbled through these two lines.)

*Note1* Pay heed to my words friends

I think a comma at the end of this line, and a period at the end of the next would be nice. *Smile*

*Note1* two story’s

two "stories"

*Note1* load bearing

I think it could go, "load-bearing"

~*~Final Thoughts~*~


I like this poem a lot. My favorite part is the first three stanzas;) *Laugh* It reminds me of the old "sticks and stones" saying, only better. I'll have to save it. May the muse be with you, and I hope you find this review helpful, ~*~Rater~Moon~*~

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12
12
Review of Nightly Routine  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
A great flash fiction on a subject very "close to home." I can relate to it, although since my family is older now, we often come to the table late, in time to eat with mom. (Sometimes my mom's even first *Shock*.) I do have a few suggestions for your piece. Quotes from your piece are in blue and my comments are in green.

*Note1* The fifth is still “baking,”

I'd change that comma to a semi-colon. I also like how you add the information that your preganant. Creative;)

*Note1* I don't quite understand the last line... Maybe there's some way you can make "why?" that line a little more clear. I kind of have an idea, but it's really fuzzy and I wouldn't be able to explain it.

~*~Overall~*~


A great family scene that's very relateable, even to non-moms. May the muse be with you, and I hope you find this review helpful, ~*~Rater~Moon~*~

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13
13
Rated: E | (4.5)
Another helpful article on poetry that I'll have to add to my favorites. I'm familiar with a lot of the terms, but others are completwly new to me, like caesura. The only suggestion I have for this article is that it'd be easier for me to understand if the examples were listed with the definition of each term. I see that not all the terms have examples, but at the moment I really have to work to connect the words and definitions to the example. The example IS part of the definition, in my mind and thus should simply be put together.

I'm going to have to start using some of these terms in my reviews and techniques in my writing. Thanks again! May the muse be with you, and I hope you find this review helpful, ~*~Rater~Moon~*~

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14
14
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
I was looking in the "Invalid Item"  forum and happened to find a link to this newsletter. It's so helpful and I finally understand free verse! Thanks so much for taking the time to explain it. I'm putting this link in my favorites and will use it as a reference for writing and reviewing free verse. You've also inspired me to sign up for the poetry newsletter.

I found the second part of this especially helpful. (The part about anything kind of looking like poetry being free verse.) It is a fine line, but your example and explanation bolded that line a lot.

Thanks again! May the muse be with you, and I hope you find this review helpful, ~*~Rater~Moon~*~

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15
15
Review of Jupiter  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Intriguing! And a little sad... I just have a few comments and suggestions. My comments are now green, and quotes from your piece are blue. (The comment/quote sets are also numbered.)

Spelling, Grammar, Etc:

1. Such is the discussion

I don't see why you chose to use present tense here... I think it might be better as past tense...

2. bunch of us going to Fifth Avenue .

A space before the period there.

3. a 20 year old

"20" should be written out. ("twenty") *Wink*

4. numerous mourners followed as well

"as well" kind of jars me here... Could be because I'm normally used to "as well as." You have a lot of little extra words like this little phrase, but they kind of add to the mood of this chapter.

4/5

Opening & Closing

The opening is engaging;) I like how that first little scene thing ends, that line right there. (Like in the Lion King, when the Circle of Life song ends and it's like "boom". It also helps set the mood for the rest of this chapter.

The closing makes me intrigued about what is going to happen next... That last scene seems a little contrived, though, or stuck in or something. Like it doesn't quite fit in with the rest of this chapter.

8/10

Characters/Characterization:

Good job with Chloe;) I was kind of jarred a bit between her thoughts and the narrator and the narrator though. I do get a good sense and like for her with all the little details added.

(and an unassuming beauty),

This seems a little unnecessary to me, and gives the story a bit of a cliche feel. (Kind of like, of course, she has to be beautiful.) It kind of makes her little unreal to me.

In Chloe's mind, they complemented each other wonderfully.

This kind of draws me out of the story, however, it also suggests that the two don't really compliment each other...

Tim kind of puzzles me a litte, with how he talks about his sister's passion for matchmaking. It makes me a little curious. Either her brother's exaggerating a lot or Chloe was a little crazy... Maybe a story from his experience with her matchmaking might clarify...

7/10

Scenes:

"Still, you've still got As across the board. You'll pass those exams in no time. Come. There's a bunch of us going to Fifth Avenue . Colin's taking us."

This just reads a little stunted to me, like "Jane had a dog. The dog was cute. We liked the dog." see what I mean? But if it's how the person speaks...

she heard a dull THWACK!

I was kind of wondering what happened to cause this sound effect. I just imagine different sound effects associated with a car hitting something. (Thwack, to me, is like a golfer hitting a ball. Th- as the club swings through the air, and "wack" as it connects with the ball and hits it.} I'm probably just being picky here, but I'm not completely sure whether she was hit by a car or it was car hitting car and she flew out... I think she was just hit, though, and so think more of a thud, thunk, or something.

After the funeral,

The transition to this scene from the last one is a little sudden for me. It makes this last scene feel a little contrived...

8/10

Plot/Storyline:

Looking at your summary-ish thing on the folder, it looks very interesting. (Hence why I decided to read.) Creative, but it reminds me of Clueless a bit, but cooler.

8/10

Thoughts/Pure Enjoyment/Creativity:

I enjoyed reading this a lot. It was a pretty smooth-sailing read for me. I look forward to reading more of Chloe's story when I get a chance. It's just odd enough to attract me;)

4/5

Layout/Style/Content Rating:

All accurate and reader-friendly *Smile*

~*~Overall~*~


A very cool story you have here. It just seems a little contrived at times. A little more smoothing out, and it'll shine! May the muse be with you, and I hope you find this review helpful, ~*~Rater~Moon~*~

39/50 or 4 stars

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16
16
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
I just have a few comments and suggestions. My comments are now green, and quotes from your piece are blue. (The comment/quote sets are also numbered.)

Spelling, Grammar, Etc:

1. a yellow, but friendly smile.

I don't quite understand the use of "yellow" here...

2. What would his father do when...

Normally, direct thoughts are italicized... (I.e. Replace the "his" here with "my") I do think the wyay you did it here though works with this piece, though direct thoughts might help the reader get to know Tarem a little better. (See my further comments on this in the Characters section.)

3. her sea-shaded eyes possessed an advanced intelligence to them

I guess the eyes are "them" here? Actually, I think this sentence might sound better without "to them."

4. as challenging as recovering a solitary raindrop once it had joined with the mighty sea.

I just liked this line *Smile*

5. He said what needed to be said and anything else he felt unnecessary.

*Confused* Maybe, "necessary" instead of "unnecessary", considering the previous sentence...

6. He panted hastily.

Who's "He" here?

4/5

Opening & Closing

Sometimes, what is meant to be,...

This first little paragraph thing is kind of random. Maybe italicize the whole thing or put more spaces between it an the next paragraph. Something to seperate it a bit more.

The opening does interest me in the story and I like how it sets the scene.

The closing ends this part and leaves me curious to read the next part, especially when combined with the opening statement...

8/10

Characters/Characterization:

I see your characters and feel for them somewhat, but I'm still a bit detached. There's plexiglass between me and totally feeling your characters. I feel like I'm watching them, not being a part of their world. (ref. #2 in Grammar, ect. section.)

My favorite character so far is Bear. His dialogue really helps develop him.

My least favorite is Emra. She seems a bit whiny and snotty to me, with her "everything stinks" additude.

7/10

Scenes:

would have little reason to note...

The characteristic that set her apart...

I got confused here. I thought she was unnoteworthy. Now, her eyes make her of note???

That first scene is excellent;) (Probably edited the most two, seeing as how this story is divided.) The later parts still seem a bit rough. I get a little confused at points in them, and I believe I pointed out where above.

Like with the characters, I feel like I'm watching this story instead of being there in it. Beautiful use of language and description in setting up each scene, but I'd like to be more absorbed in the story than watching it on a screen or something. I think a bit more showing would help with that. There's a lot of telling in this chapter, but I think that's what's alienating me a bit.

7/10

Plot/Storyline:

Interesting and creative so far; I do wonder what's going to happen next! That cryptic title and opening line... (I always hate war stories though...)

9/10

Thoughts/Pure Enjoyment/Creativity:

I like the inclusion of the pronunciation guide;) Handy in reading the names right in my mind. Thanking the members also helped split this piece up nicely in to digestible chunks for me *Bigsmile*. As I mentioned above, I adore your use of description and language, although I'm not quite sure about yellow/corn cob smile. Oh! Are his teeth bad?

4/5

Layout/Style/Content Rating:

All accurate and reader-friendly except the description. The reader has no idea what to expect, and some are turned off by descriptions that beg for reviews. <--- just a note;) All I know to expect is something fantasy-ish, whatever that means...

~*~Overall~*~


An excellent read that just might require a little more showing than telling. May the muse be with you, and I hope you find this review helpful, ~*~Rater~Moon~*~

39/50 or 4 stars

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17
17
Review of I Think Different  
Rated: E | (3.0)
*Balloon1* *Balloon2* *Balloon3* Weeee! Welcome to Writing.com! *Balloon4* *Balloon5* *Balloon6* You have a cool little song here;) I just have a few comments and suggestions. My comments are now green, and quotes from your piece are blue. (The comment/quote sets are also numbered.)

1. but doesnt say a word at all

"doesn't" Re-read for more of these;)

2. your in my mind

"you're" Re-read for more of these;)

3. you think its fine

"it's" Re-read for more of these;)

4. but i think different baby

"I" Remember to use proper capitalization, unless it's done in a unique way for a purpose. (Like capitalizing certain words that are emphasized, ect.)

5. I think some punctuation would help the piece. Like a comma in between the two "so"

6. i think different bABY

The lines following this create a little too much repetition for my taste. (Also, I don't think the last three letters in baby need to be capitalized.)

7. I think it might sound better without the "Oh"s and "Oo"s

8. oh do I got the courage
to ask you to dance
is it just a silly obssesion
or is it real romance

My favortie part;)

~*~Overall~*~


A bitter-sweet song that just needs a little bit of a clean and polish to shine! May the muse be with you, and I hope you find this review helpful, ~*~Rater~Moon~*~

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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Flower1* First, I’d like to say I’m very flattered that you took the time to enter my contest. Now, on to your piece. It was very lovely;) I just have a few comments and suggestions. My comments are now green, and quotes from your piece are blue. (The comment/quote sets are also numbered.)

Spelling, Grammar, Etc:

1. like everyone morning before

Whoops! "every"

2. Adhamh wrapped in his plaid

This sentence just reads a little odd to me. Guess I'm just used to a reflexive pronoun after the verb...

3. shiver crossed his body and he opened

Comma after "body";)

4. his gazed wandered

Typo;) "gaze"

5. Do you not know me my love?

Comma after "me"

6. Tell me this heaven

Whoops;) "Tell me this is heaven"

7. pain was gone thanks to

You might consider putting a comma after "gone"

8. her scent of the waters

I get a little confused with this...

9. again. A very faint flicker of her own

I get a bit confused with this line too.

3 /5

Opening & Closing

The opening sets the scene for the rest of the story;)

The ending was awesome;) I love it!

9/10

Characters/Characterization:

All seem nicely done;) I really like how you write how they speak so I can hear the accent.

10/10

Scenes:

They move at a nice pace, and the language reflects the setting and story very much. Just a few odd sentences got me a bit confused and a few typos.

9/10

Plot/Storyline:

An interesting and creative plot and I really liked the end;)

9/10

Thoughts/Pure Enjoyment/Creativity:

I enjoyed this piece a lot and it was one of those pieces that got my creative juices flowing, which is good. Great job with it;) As I mentioned, I enjoyed the language. It was very creative.

5/5

Layout/Style/Content Rating:

All seems accurate and reader-friendly;)

~*~Overall~*~


Awesome piece! You just might want to fix those typos I spotted and take a look at those few lines that confused me. Congrats on taking home first place in my contest this round;) May the muse be with you, and I hope you find this review helpful, ~*~Rater~Moon~*~

45/50 or 4.5 stars

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Review of The Bear  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Dramatic encounter;) I just have a few comments and suggestions. My comments are now green, and quotes from your piece are blue. (The comment/quote sets are also numbered.)

Spelling, Grammar, Etc:

1. The man walked...He walked west,

I think you could combine the first two sentences so the second one won't seem repetative.

2. bear’s passing he tracked

You might want to add a comma after "passing"

3. The man was an experienced trapper.

I think this sentence is unnecessary since you show it and the reader can "get" that.

4. supposed to have given

I think "supposed to give" would be better here...

5. his enemy, the intruder, man.

You might consider capitalizing "man" here.

6. togehter with the estimated size of the animal.

Typo;) "together"

4/5

Opening & Closing

The opening starts off cool, brings the reader into the piece, then it gets a little repetative in places. It makes me a feel a little talked down too. Trust the reader to make some of those connections;)

The closing ends the piece ligically and with action. I might like one more sentence of closing but it's cool as it is too.

7/10

Characters/Characterization:

All well done;) Good job!

9/10

Scenes:

The first few scenes move slow, are a bit repetative, and they paragraphs don't flow in a few places. But after those, the story picks up towards the middle and draws me in through to the ending. Nice job on those last scenes;) They really held me rapt. Also, some nice uses of language in there!

7/10

Plot/Storyline:

Nice;) Creative and easy to follow. Had me hanging on the edge of my seat for a bit;)

9/10

Thoughts/Pure Enjoyment/Creativity:

Awesome story;) Even though I still side with the bear, I enjoyed the ending of this piece. The beginning was a bit boring to me though. I think you need to see if you can shorten the beginning. Other than that, I enjoyed the piece a lot.

4/5

Layout/Style/Content Rating:

All accurate and reader-friendly though you may consider changing the rating to ASR since he is hunting a bear and uses weapons, etc.

~*~Overall~*~


A very thrilling piece that just starts off kind of slow... YOu might want to see if you can shorten the opening a bit, maybe take-out some unnecessary details, reward stuff, etc. May the muse be with you, and I hope you find this review helpful, ~*~Rater~Moon~*~

40/50 or 4 stars

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Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Cool story;) *Cool* I just have a few comments and suggestions. My comments are now green, and quotes from your piece are blue. (The comment/quote sets are also numbered.)

Spelling, Grammar, Etc:

1. decades living in close proximity

This just sounds better to me with "of" after "decades"

2. older veterans made up their stories as they went

I was just a little confused by the meaning of this, "went" in particular. You might want to replace it with "talked" or something.

3. swipe of the whetstone, he looked up.

It's a bit unclear who "he" is here. Círdon? It sounds like there's more people there, but is it only Telos and Círdon? You might want to re-read for othe rplaces where the reader can get confused.

4. it buried them

Since you were talking about the spines here, I think it would if you continued with them, rather than changing to it.

5. Tearing through clearing in the town square

You might consider adding "the" in front of "clearing"

6. tentacles on its backed

typo;) "back"

4/5

Opening & Closing

The opening is engaging. Nice quote;) Gives us some background information before leading into the story.

The closing makes me want to read on;)

9/10

Characters/Characterization:

The characters all seem to be very solid;) My only problem is that the speech seems a little modern... Other than that, great job;) Interesting creatures, though. Seems a little bit of a sci-fi hint to me for some reason...

9/10

Scenes:

Interesting and action packed;) Some of them were a little confusing though, like the first battle scene and the conversation. Confusion over the subjects (of the sentences) and . I also think just a bit more detail might help alleviate a bit of the confusion. (Like what's a "whetstone" and what was it being used on?) Also, I would like to see the town. Maybe there's more detail later?

7/10

Plot/Storyline:

Looks to be a very interesting and action packed novel;)

9/10

Thoughts/Pure Enjoyment/Creativity:

Very enjoyable;) I loved your use of language, but it contrasted with how your characters talked. It set up a nice, medievalish fantasy story and the character's speech seemed a bit more modern. (Like Círdon's reply to Telos that used "kids today") Other than that, I enjoyed the piece a lot and it was very creative;) (Lotsa fun;)

4/5

Layout/Style/Content Rating:

All accurate and reader-friendly;) Just missed a space between two of the paragraphs.

~*~Overall~*~


A great start to what promises to be an awesome novel;) Just might want to see if you can make it a little less confusing at places and maybe add a bit more description. May the muse be with you, and I hope you find this review helpful, ~*~Rater~Moon~*~

42/50 or 4 stars

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Rated: E | (5.0)
WOW! That's so cool;) A pretty picture and an awesome poem in one. It really brings the senses and feelings in, and creates some lovely images. (Those colored letter-ornaments really pop out...) It also adds more importance to the Christmas tree, something I usually don't pay much attention to. Thanks so much for sharing;) *::adds it to her favorites::* ~*~Ivy~*~

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Review of Before  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hmm. Creepy story; perfect for Halloween. I just have a few comments and suggestions. My comments are now green, and quotes from your piece are blue. (The comment/quote sets are also numbered.)

Spelling, Grammar, Etc:

1. 18:15 in the evening

"in the evening" isn't necessary here since 18:15 has to be in the evening. (6:15 PM)

2. moves up my back, something is

A semicolon might be better than that comma after "back"

3. I verify with my hand it turns out that feeling is justified.

This sentence reads a little odd to me. You might just want to simplify it. "I verify with my hand that the feeling is justified." Or something like that.

4. Thank god

Shouldn't "god" be capitalized?

5. Wished I had

Shouldn't "Wished" be present tense too?

6. More important how does he know me.

Might want to put a comma after "important" and change the period at the end to a question mark. You also, might want to check the punctuation on your quotes and add some commas elsewhere.

7. As I walk over to the counter and my stomach turns

I think you should take out "As" in this sentence.

8. more on auto pilot then really

Shouldn't "then" be "than" or is that just in American English?

9. harsh smell of decay hits my scent.

Wouldn't it be your nose?

10. dry blood ran down

Shouldn't this be present tense? Watch the tenses.

11. occurs to me is a stupid construction.

It's a bit unclear what has the stupid construction here. When I read it first, it seemed like the action. But when I read it again, I'm guessing it refers to where the lightswitch is located. You might want to reword this.

12.‘do-it-yourself’ tools

??? What are those?

2/5

Opening & Closing

The opening brings me right into the story and makes me interested to read more. Good job;)

I don't quite get the ending. (Those last five sentences.) Maybe If I ponder it a little more... Other than that, the ending wraps up the loose threads and gives an "ended" feel to the piece.

8.5/10

Characters/Characterization:

The characters are pretty well done;) I connect to James, though I'm still somewhat distant. (Maybe I just can't relate?) Maybe a little more backround on him would help.

7/10

Scenes:

hanging on the bare brick wall.

I thought just a bit more description would be nice in the piece. It would help bring me in more. (& creep me out!) Other than that, the scenes move at a nice place a quite a few bring me in.

8/10

Plot/Storyline:

The story moves at a nice place and I can understand it. I only get a confused at the end a bit. All the rest of my questions were answered though;) And it was clear and easy to understand for the most part.

8/10

Thoughts/Pure Enjoyment/Creativity:

I enjoyed the story a lot and found it very creative. (I was wondering what was going on!) Nice twist at the end, there;) But, a bit more description and clarification at the end would help me enjoy it all the more;)

4/5

Layout/Style/Content Rating:

All accurate and user-friendly to me;) I also like how you used that "Before" and "End" (Took me a second to get, haha;)

~*~Overall~*~

A great horror story;) I just think it could use a bit more description and a re-read for punctuation.
May the muse be with you, and I hope you find this review helpful, ~*~Rater~Moon~*~

37.5/50 up to 38/50 or 4 stars

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Review of Valkyrie  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
An awesome story! I just have a few comments and suggestions. My comments are now green, and quotes from your piece are blue. (The comment/quote sets are also numbered.) At the end of each section, there is rating on a scale of one to ten, ten being the best, in red. These numbers are added up and determine your rating.

Spelling, Grammar, Etc:

1. Harold Kravitz leaned out of the window as far as he could, his short, stocky arm reaching out a bit further trying to latch onto Val’s portly leg.

"farther" here since it's a measurable distance.

2. over the edge in a arc

"an arc"

3. “Look out!” she scream at him.

"screamed"

4. “And you are aboard, the Dragon’s Bane.”

I don't see why there's a comma there...

5. from the Roman lands, further south

"farther" Same as #1

8/10

Characters/Characterization:

I connected to all the characters I should have;) Val was awesome and so was Erik. You also didn't state how the characters were feeling, but I could understand. Good job;)

9/10

Scenes:

All the scenes are wonderfully done;) I love that opening scene in particular.

10/10

Plot/Storyline:

The storyline makes sense and is very creative to me;) It's also funny, but still has substance. I laughed, I tensed, I thought. Awesome job;)

10/10

Presentation/Style/Content Rating:

The presentation is great, with spaces between paragraphs and black font. The content rating is accurate too;) You just might want to take the restating of the title off the top of the story since we can see it above the item.

4.5/5

Thoughts/Pure Enjoyment/Creativity:

I loved this piece;) It was hilarious and very creative. As I mentioned, I loved that opening scene the best.

5/5

~*~Overall~*~

A awesome comedy and romance;) I really enjoyed it. There were just a few minor spelling, grammar, etc. problems. Other than that, great job;) May the muse be with you, and I hope you find this review helpful, ~*~Rater~Moon~*~

46.5/50 or 4.5 stars

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Review of Journey of a Life  
Rated: E | (3.5)
A wonderful piece;) I just have a few comments and suggestions. My comments are now green, and quotes from your piece are blue. (The comment/quote sets are also numbered just in case I refer back to one.) At the end of each section, there is rating on a scale of one to ten, ten being the best, in red. These numbers are added up and determine your rating.

Spelling, Grammar, Etc:

1. long days journey

Either "day's" for one day or "days'" for multiple days;)

2. the sun set low...path had become clear

These verbs aren't parallel. It should be either "had set" and "had become" or, my preference, "set" and "became."

3. played on her heart

"on" just sounds odd to me here. Usually, something is "in" the heart.

4. on ward

No space is needed in between;) "onward"

5. As well she knew

This sounds odd. I think you should take "as well." Maybe use "She also knew"

6. fixed and

You might want to add a comma after "fixed"

7. and she could see that her felt pride

You might want to add a comma before "and" here, and I think "her" should be "he"

8. two being of the world

I think that should be "beings"

9. change in her,

I think you should change that comma at the end into a period.

10. offing

"offering"

11. seamed

Maybe it's regional difference, but I usually see this spelled "seemed"

6/10

Characters/Characterization:

I cared about the woman right away;) Great job. Of course, I don't quite understand her and the man. Maybe a little more background information would help or maybe it's just because I'm not religious.

7/10

Scenes:

You use a lot of nice language and similes that bring me right into the story. Great job;)

8/10

Plot/Storyline:

12. eyes and heart were fixed

Fixed on what? What she was planning on doing, her destination, her path, the clouds...

13. not see the change in her

I'm a little confused on what change... I think I figured it out though. Maybe you should add a time frame like "change in her since the last time they met" or something. Make what the change is a little more clear. (I originally thought the change had occurred at that moment, though now I think it occurred before the story.)

14. this he had not yet known

I'm a little confused about what "this" is referring back to...

7/10

Presentation/Style/Content Rating:

You might want to add some spaces between your paragraphs, especially when you don't use indents. It makes the story so much more eye-friendly, especially when it's online. I think you might also want to raise the rating to ASR.

3/5

Thoughts/Pure Enjoyment/Creativity:

15. She had wandered

I like that sentence a lot as well as a few others. The simile there is original and very creative to me;) I enjoyed the story a lot though I was a bit confused...

4/5

~*~Overall~*~

A great story that seems to use a lot of symbolism;) I found it very enjoyable, but you might want to spruce it up a bit. I wouldn't mind re-reading and rating this after you do some editing. (Or perhaps give me a bit more information so I can understand it better;) May the muse be with you, and I hope you find this review helpful, ~*~Rater~Moon~*~

35/50 or 3.5 stars

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Review of Witch Trials  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A great piece;) I just have a few comments and suggestions. My comments are now green, and quotes from your piece are blue. (The comment/quote sets are also numbered just in case I refer back to one.) At the end of each section, there is rating on a scale of one to ten, ten being the best, in red. These numbers are added up and determine your rating.

Spelling, Grammar, Etc:

1. June 10

You should write out "tenth" since it can easily be written in one word.

2. evil which

I think you're supposed to use a comma before "which"

9/10

Characters/Characterization:

You only really have one character, and the characterization is great on her;)

9/10

Scenes:

This seems to be a lot of background information, and few scenes. Of the scenes, none seem particularly well done. They seem rushed. You might want to slow the scenes down and add some more description; let us see the scenes, like the scene with William Hobbs or Bridget Bishop.

5/10

Plot/Storyline:

There doesn't really seem to be much of a plot to me. I can't identify the problem, and at the end of the story, the narrater doesn't seem to have changed at all. Her beliefs have neither changed nor been strengthened. You might want to add the the story, carry it over to the end of the Salem Witch trials. Or, yo could go into more detail on the scenes. Perhaps there was an event in the trial that changed her?

5/10

Presentation/Style/Content Rating:

The presentation is very nice and eye-friendly. The quotes do jarr me a bit right now, but with a bit of expansion on the story, they should fit right in;)

4.5/5

Thoughts/Pure Enjoyment/Creativity:

This was very nice and creative;) I did a bit of research on the Salem Witch trials before for a piece of my own. (Actually, I was looking for earlier witch trials, but could only find Salem...) Anyways, I enjoyed this piece a lot and thought it was very creative;)

5/5

~*~Overall~*~

A great piece and very creative, I'm just not sure it's a short story yet. I think with a bit of expansion, it'll be a piece to reckon with. Also, as a side note, did you check out the Salem Witch Trials walk thru on the National geographic website? It's great for learning about the trials. Anyways, back to your piece, I wouldn't mind re-reading and rating after you edit a bit. May the muse be with you, and I hope you find this review helpful, ~*~Rater~Moon~*~

37.5/50 or 4 stars

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