I like the way that your narrator, DJ Rick uses such a unique voice, and that there's no real block of exposition, yet I know that I'm somewhere far from Earth. I think that if you read this piece out loud, in the voice that DJ Rick might use, you'll find that it's somewhat choppy in its delivery. The description of baseball sounds more as if it was coming from a child instead of an adult, but a few minor changes in the order of words and some word choices will really help that. People don't speak with perfect grammar all the time, but a DJ on the radio should "sound" more like an intelligent adult than a bright child.
This is a sweet little story, I’m glad I read it. I like how Cong changes and has a complete 180 degree turn around in how she feels about having a home. She learns to love it. I got sad when Frank explained that the shelter was his forever home. To improve the story, I’d recommend removing nearly all of the instances where the sentence begins with “and” or “but” as these are words best used to combine similar thoughts in a sentence. It is all right to use once in a while, but sparingly is best. Overall, this is a cute story, and I think it’s perfect for a young audience.
I really love the voice in this story. It’s almost as if I can hear the story being told. Great job. I do feel that the opening of the story doesn’t really line up with the ending. In the beginning, the narrator tells us that handsome men are pathetic, and then goes on to give us an example, but at the end of the story, we’re giggling amongst ourselves at the client’s decision, and not the pathetic-ness of Mr. Man. The story could just as well be about how ridiculous the male modeling industry can be, and be just as entertaining. Overall I like the voice, a lot, and the general tone of the story. I finished it with a smile on my face.
This is great. I really like the way you use the words to add to the store; it’s engaging and descriptive without being flowery. I think I only found one typo, missing word in the last sentence of the fourth paragraph from the bottom. Overall, this is a brief and entertaining tale and I’m glad I read it.
A dark and chilling tale; I like it. It’s quite original, in spite of being taken from another fairy tale. I’m assuming we’re talking about Red Riding Hood, with the Elvenking being the big bad wolf, but I’m really not entirely confident that I’m right.
I like how the story plays out. Hild is sure that this is her chance to be happy and free, when in fact, it will work out to be very different for her. The end of the story leaves this up for interpretation, but one has to wonder if Hild would have let herself be taken under the mountain after finding out that she’s on the menu. She seems to have better survival instincts than this. The names are unique, definitely otherworldly, but not cliché or overly complicated. I also like the use of a different set of gods. Knowing about a fictitious world’s mythology makes it that much more real.
I think that the opening of the story is strong, but should include Hild’s name in place of one of the other pronouns used. It may also do to point out that the wedding that is happening is for Hild’s older sister, or some other close relation. It’s not clear at first, but in the following paragraphs, it is implied, although still not clear what the relationship really is. I had to go back and forth between these paragraphs to put that together.
This sentence feels very awkward: “The men will be sailing west in the spring, and they'll need linen for their ships and the sign of the Raven perching in war flags.” Perhaps re-working it into two sentences, or finding a different place to describe the war flag will help to smooth that out. Also, is the Gunnar called Sigurd the Spider? Or is that who the sister married?
Overall, this is a good story, and I like the general feel of it. Clearing up the confusing parts and giving a few more words to the background of the other characters mentioned will help make it even better.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/writergirljlm
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.23 seconds at 10:32am on May 05, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
