*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/yhoni
Review Requests: OFF
50 Public Reviews Given
52 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Basketball Dreams  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Dear Elliott

Thank you for the opportunity to review your story about two best friends. It certainly was an interesting tale with a slightly puzzling twist. I don’t want to spoil the surprise, but it did have me wondering what had just happened. Were Zac and Luke in it together? If so, it would have been good to throw a hint in earlier on the the story. Something that would have me slap my forehead and think ‘why didn’t I see this coming?’

I think the word ‘questioned’ makes it seem more formal than you mean. For example in the sentence “Victoria, hey Vic… Are you listening to me?” Zac Dolby questioned, it seems that he is formally questioning her (like in a police station) instead of just asking her.

As a rule it might help if you limit your description to one per sentence, then it doesn’t seem shoehorned in, if you know what I mean.

I wasn’t sure why you put so much effort in making Victoria seem so repulsive. Example: “Beyond the terrible whiteheads and acne and the tender fat around her cheeks was a beautiful woman.” I wasn’t sure what was the point of that. Especially when she dresses up for the senior prom, both characters think of her as attractive, but the narrator keeps hinting that she is not – pointing out that she wears the wrong dress and crudely applied make-up. I wondered why.

I really liked the characters though and thought the plot was engaging and entertaining.

Kind regards
BGE
2
2
Review of Three Bullets  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi Polo

Sorry it has taken me so long to give you the review of Three Bullets you asked for. It was not due to the story at all, but entirely to my turbulent life-style. How I find time to write anything, I’ll never know; but now to your story... I know you are not looking to improve this particular story, so I will try to make my comments general, although I might use examples from this story to illustrate my points. (Presuming that I have point to make) I hope that is okay. Please remember that I’m only giving my own opinion, so feel free to disagree with it. I would ;o)

Is the plot interesting enough to keep reading?
Yes, it is and you have a pleasant writing style so it is in no way a chore to read it. In fact, I would go so far as to say it was a pleasure. The story has a good pace, although the tension slacks a bit too far before the end (what was the point of the Island and Maldocks sudden speech about ownership?). Some bits are extremely funny, but I wouldn’t describe the overall work as comical. At its core I think you have a serious message, which is a bit lost amidst the hilarity.
I recommend that you make a clearer decision as to whether a piece is meant to be comical or not. It is not that there can‘t be humour in a serious piece or serious moments in a comedy, but things like giving a character a funny name isn’t enough. Unless, that funny name turns out to be the reason the villain is villainous e.g. he’s been bullied about his name and will now seek revenge for that.
As a writer I want people to laugh at a joke I make in my writing, I don’t want them to think I’d unwittingly put something ridiculous in. This is why, for me, comedy is so tricky. I think you have a gift for comedy. You see the humour in situations and can exploit it.

Does this story entertain and have strong characters?
See above, yes, the story definitely entertains... as for the characters... I’m a character reader/writer; for me plot and character need to be interwoven. How a character reacts to a situation must be a direct result of their personality. Again, this is only my opinion, because there are many books where that is not the case. Millions of beach-reads are adventure yarns with standard heroes and villains that could be anyone. This is not a criticism; I only want to give some background to my opinion. To me, the characters were a bit one dimensional and I couldn’t always follow their decisions. Worst for me, I couldn’t get a handle on Edgar’s character. What made him so special? How was his mentality changed by his experiences?

The way the opening paragraph was written gave me an entirely incorrect interpretation of the relationship between Maldocks and Edgar. The sentence “Doctor Alvin Maldocks, science professor at the University was admired by seventy-three of his seventy-four students” gave me the impression that Edgar didn’t admire him, didn’t respect him or rate him as a teacher or scientist. At the start I found Edgar’s behaviour intriguing and slightly confusing; he complained about his lack of relationship with Heather, yet it seemed to be him who pulled away. It seemed that Edgar and Heather’s relationship was put under strain because of Edgar’s disheartened mind set and this was confirmed in their dialogue. However a completely different picture was painted by the subsequent dialogue between Maldocks and Edgar. As it turns out, Edgar has great respect for Maldocks and visa versa and it is his relationship with Heather that is disrupting his studies. Yet, whenever she sees him Heather is very loving towards Edgar. I’m still not sure what was going on there, or why at the end Edgar was with her once again; what had changed his mind?
Dr Maldocks was the most interesting character for me and had the best dialogue. I particularly liked how he tried to convince Edgar to come on the trip. He may have been a little stereotypical, but true to his nature and his actions seemed to flow from his character and therefore it worked. I don’t know what his friendship with the captain was based on as they seemed to have nothing in common. That was a bit vague.

Is the evil captain hateful enough?
You said you were going for a “banal, boring kind of evil” to the captain and I’m not entirely sure what you mean by this. Perhaps you meant that you didn’t want to explain the reason for his evilness. He was certainly dislikeable enough, though he didn’t seem overly threatening. After all, he was only one man against seventy-odd “good guys”. He would need to be a lot more powerful to be a real threat. He behaves irrationally and as such not so much evil as foolish. Why load your ship with seventy disgruntled passengers, when you don’t need to. To be a real threat an antagonist need to be powerful enough to defeat the protagonist, otherwise they seem pathetic rather than scary.

Was anything confusing to me / could I find any plot holes?
I thought there were an awful lot of students in the class. I have no idea whether you have classes, especially ones that are taken on a field trip, of that size. With one teacher, I mean, that is one hell of a ratio.

Maldocks seems to know exactly what the structures are based only on a photograph. This seemed strange to me. I wondered how he could be so certain of his hypothesis and I wondered how he knew so certainly that any of the suggestions his students made were wrong. How would one recognise a city built by beings without arms, legs, the need for doors or streets? I would have found it much more believable if they merely went to see what they were, rather than proving a tenuous theory. Besides, it takes the mystery out of it if you give too much away too soon.

It seemed very odd that there was no crew on such a large ship. There were a lot of passengers, who had not been given any instruction on what to do or how to behave on board, so they’re no use to the captain. Even if they shared four to a cabin, the ship needed to have about 20 cabins and that is just for the passengers. The ship carries a small sub and research equipment... This is a massive undertaking; impossible for just one man to control.

I don’t think civilians can be court-marshalled.

How could the captain kill Heather with a stun-gun?

They seemed to get to the target site really quickly (within a day, because the students didn’t even have one meal) even though it should be in uncharted waters and it takes them weeks to get back, enough time for everyone (except for Maldocks) to find a life-partner

Language
As you may know from my writing I’m a fan of the show-don’t-tell style of writing, but since you said that you wanted to tell a story in the “old-fashioned sense”, which might mean that you favour a more telling style of prose. Nevertheless, I found the language is a bit “clunky” on occasion, particularly in the beginning. You seemed to get into the flow after that. Particularly the description of the working of the first bullet I thought was very good. By clunky I mean that you could strip out words without losing the meaning of the text, because the reader can infer it and some words appear to be descriptive, but don’t actually tell me anything. I know you don’t intend to do this on this piece, so it’s just for future reference. Here is an example of what I mean (and again feel free to disagree with me).

In the sentence “Doctor Alvin Maldocks, science professor at the University was admired by seventy-three of his seventy-four students”; why not call him Professor Alvin Maldocks? Instantly we would know that this Maldocks-person is a teacher of the highest academic rank in a college or university. Why mention ‘the University’, but not which one? Why mention science, but not which branch? For me, not so much the devil, but the reality of the story is in the detail.

Dialogue
I couldn’t get my head around the dialogue. In some places it was wooden, but in other places it worked really well. It was a real mixed bag.
Good: "[...] I complained about the incident and his lack of involvement with my students. I told him I needed him to introduce himself, explain the voyage, ship, safety...oh safety!... I raised my complaint again about getting sprayed with the chemical from the hydraulic system and he blamed us! He said one of the students must have shut a valve on the system! Well, I doubt that, but even so, he should have given an orientation and training what to do and not do. That was our understanding."
Not so good: "[...] I think this captain is crazy. I don't trust him. He doesn't even let us know anything about this trip." (In itself not bad, but given that the character has just been sprayed with a clothes-dissolving chemical her points of trust and lack of orientation seem trivial.)

Grammar
My only problem with this piece, and it might have been a formatting issue in your word-processing software and the website, was that the dialogue and related description were not always on the same line. For example:
Instead of:
"Class, we have a chance this summer to go see this. The captain is willing to take us all on a voyage upon his ship exploring the ocean and this location will be the high point of the trip. Do you all want to go?" The students erupted into loud cheers. Heather stood up and shouted;
"Yes! We want to go with you!" Then all the others shouted "Yes! Yes! We want to go", all that is, except Edgar.
Consider:-
"Class, we have a chance this summer to go see this. The captain is willing to take us all on a voyage upon his ship exploring the ocean and this location will be the high point of the trip. Do you all want to go?"
The students erupted into loud cheers.
Heather stood up and shouted: "Yes! We want to go with you!"
Then all the others shouted: "Yes! Yes! We want to go", all that is, except Edgar.

I would reconsider the use of capitals for emphasis, as well as putting down the particular exclamations people make like ‘Oooh’ or ‘Ahhh’ (unless you are writing for very small children).

What I liked
I thought the scene between Sep and Edgar was hilarious. I grinned every time I read it. Like I say, you have a gift for comedy.

I don’t know if any of this makes any sense whatsoever or whether it will help you in any future story, but I hope it does. If you are interested in “old fashion” storytelling, let me tell you that this tradition is still very much alive and kicking on the BBC, in particular BBC Radio 7, where they also have a good selection of sf and fantasy plays and stories. I recommend you access this via i-player or something, because I think you would enjoy it.

Best of luck with your future endeavours and keep writing.

Yhon
3
3
Review of The Lonesome Task  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Dear Excusia

Thank you for the opportunity to review your story.

The Plot
This story has an excellent plot and even manages to surprise in the end in a way that makes me a little envious as I don’t think I’ve ever managed that. My only slight disappointment, and it is a very small one, is that not more is made of the painting. It was such a wonderful device, I felt it could have done with more weight in the story. I was wondering if you could use it with the entrance of the little girl perhaps. Maybe she sees him in her father’s painting or something... Just my random idea...

The Characters
The protagonist is very well drawn, despite the fact he is not a person in the strictest sense. The other characters were not extensively drawn, but well enough to fit the piece. I did wonder about the age of the Painter. As he was dying I thought of him as elderly, but the entrance of a young daughter (although not impossible) did not fit into that.

The Setting
The setting is also well depicted and I personally loved the enormously long build up before Death meets the Painter.

Style, POV, description and dialogue
In my opinion, the style could use some work. There are a lot of grammatical errors and oddities, although I can see what you are trying to do with the language, it is not quite there yet.
* “The dark figure seemed bent on a task that would change the course of someone's life ;In some cases the course of history.” – I’m not sure what you are trying to describe here. Someone can seem eager, reluctant, or determined, but how does someone seem bent on a task that will change the course of someone's life?
* “Bony and narrow eyed as he was.” This seems to be a fragment of a sentence, rather than a full one. There is a place for fragments, but this one raises the expectation that there will be something else. It seems like half of the sentence is missing. Example: “Hungry as he was, he managed to save some of the ration for later.”
* “A great sadness, or a feeling of longing that was not unnatural seemed to follow the figure.” The double negatives stands out like a sore thumb, but moreover, I don’t think this is quite specific enough to let me know what you mean. Is it natural for Death to feel this, or do you meant something else? What do you mean by a natural feeling?
* “Humans have always had life, so they don't understand how valuable it is [...]” There is a change of tense in this sentence so it reads like a direct thought rather than part of the narrative.
* “the pure whiteness of his soft like skin” – I like this description, but because there are so many grammatical oddities I’m not sure it was intended.
* “giving the house a crescent smell” – I don’t know what kind of smell that is.
* “Paintings, side ways as they were, were scattered across the room, a canvas in the middle.” – Sorry, but I can make head nor tail of this sentence. How are the paintings sideways? Are they being flung through the room, lying all over the floor or hung up higgledy-piggledy over the walls?
* “For any thing that happened to see him pass, would be unable to tell if the wild land around him was unnatural or if it was the figure himself, but, as it goes no person can see him anyways.” – There seem to be two conflicting ideas in this run-on sentence; what the living might see if they could, but they can’t. The last part of the sentence does not seem to match the tone of the rest of the piece.

The Point of View (omniscient) is well chosen for this piece and is consistently handled, sometimes drawing in to a character, but never too much and not giving too much away either. Well done.

There is very little dialogue in this piece, which is fine. It works well. The few lines of dialogue have a realistic tone.

Spelling and grammar
There are a great many errors in this piece, so I’ll only mention a few:-
* “Even with a well-lit atmosphere the area had a eerie glow to them.” - “[...] an eerie glow to it.”
* “You don’t look much like the old tails [...]” – I think you mean ‘tales’ as in stories, not tails as in the thing that a dog wags.
* “just to guide you're soul to comfort” – ‘your soul’
*” Every fiber of their beings seemed to intertwine with the other. their very essence consumed together.” – You have used a full stop and I think you need either a comma or a semi-colon.
* “Caught completely unaware, quite possibly for the first time since the dawn of time. The dark figure release the painters soul to turn to the small girl.” The first sentence, isn’t a full sentence, but cuts of halfway through. The start ‘Caught completely unaware...’ demands that in the end of the sentence someone did or thought something and in the middle you can add that it was possible for the first time [...], but the moment the end of the sentence appears to be missing. In the second sentence I think you mean to say ‘released’.

What I liked best
I loved the build up, the very long journey Death took and the description of everything he passed. I also very much liked the surprise. I really wasn’t sure where the story was going, though intrigued to find out and it didn’t disappoint. Well set up and well delivered; a good plot.

What I liked least
I wasn’t too keen on the sugary nature of the girl. Since you yourself used that word I guess you know what I mean. She was just a bit too cute for my liking, but that is entirely my own opinion.

Overall impression
This is a very good story, but significantly hindered by grammatical errors (this is the sole reason my rating of this piece was not higher). I like what you are trying to do with the very romantic style, but it needs some fine-tuning to pull it off properly.

I hope you receive this review in the spirit it was intended and do not judge it too harshly. I wish you all the best with your writing, which has great potential.

Kind regards
Yhon
4
4
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Interesting questions, but I'm puzzled by the theme that characters must be representative of the reader in order for the reader to identify with them. My whole pleasure of reading is identifying with characters that are not like me. I'm a nice person and by definition therefore pretty boring. I like reading about people who are not me, particularly baddies. A well written baddy, who I can identify with, is a real gem!
Do you disagree?
5
5
Rated: E | (2.5)
Dear Mystic

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to comment on your work in progress.

The Plot
It is difficult to say much about the plot given that this is only the prologue of a novel and the outline of the story is unknown to me. Having said that though, the prologue sets out what I presume will be the central issue of the novel; the finding of the mysterious woman. I’m not sure if the war will be covered in this novel as well, or if that will be part of a sequel.

The Characters
Presently the characters were vaguely sketched out. They were interesting, so I really wanted to know more.

The Setting
The setting was oddly suburban in relation to the theme, which if used effectively is very intriguing as is the dichotomy of mundanely frying eggs whilst discussing the possible end of the world. I liked it, although at the moment it feels a bit accidental and could do with expansion.

Style, POV, description and dialogue
The piece very much reads like a first draft. It is not clear what POV was chosen. It hovers between omniscient, third person with Alex and Anita. I’m not sure what Point of View you want to use for the novel, or whose story you want to tell. Please bear in mind that even if you need to tell the story from several characters, for each scene you need to make a choice.

As this is a work in progress the description needs beefing up and integrating with the character’s actions. What kind of kitchen? Where are the eggs kept? Do they have eggs every morning? What kind of bed? Did Alex use a cell phone to ring Damien? How difficult is it to get up out of bed – characters are elderly... Where there is description it is generally okay, but could be enhanced and there could be more of it. Remember, fantasy worlds need more description than the boring old reality we all know and loathe. Also, through description of their surroundings you can reveal things about the characters.

Please limit your adjectives like grimly, sarcastically, worriedly, etc. They are lazy markers indicating a character’s emotion and (at least this is my experience) when I try to get rid of them and describe the characters at that time the writing improves and becomes much more engaging.

I must admit; my biggest problem with fantasy in general is the dialogue. If characters come out with rubbish like ‘I know not’ or despite the fact that they are not in any way Scottish start using words like ‘wee’ to give that Celtic vibe I totally switch off. In that light your dialogue wasn’t bad at all. It was fairly down to earth, so well done there. Sometimes it’s a bit weird having the urbane and the mystical sit side by side in the lines. For example, Anita to Damian: “I am doing fine sweetie. Please sit down. The coffee is almost ready. I have breakfast going. Will you stay?” – Yes, of course he is going to stay, he’s just been summoned at 5 am for an emergency meeting. Where else would he go?

I couldn’t get a clear sense of the different characters’ voices, but that may have been due to the shortness of the piece.

Spelling and grammar
In the 2nd sentence you mean quiet instead of quite.

Please do watch your punctuation in dialogue with regard to names as it is not always clear who is being addressed. In fact, try to strip out some of the occasions where characters address each other by name. People seldom address each other by name, unless they want to attract attention.

What I liked best
I loved the way you described Anita through Alex’ eyes; the mixture of description and affection. I particularly liked the end of that paragraph, ‘it just increased the love he felt for his witch’. I think if you make that as the point where the reader thinks ‘Wow! Wait a minute, what is going on here?’ (i.e. ditch the spoiler ‘Alex looked at his wife of a hundred years’)

What I liked least
“Damien. It’s your grandfather; I need you to come over right away. We have an important matter to discuss.” Alex shook his head in disgust.
What was he disgusted with? It reads like he is disgusted with Damien.

Overall impression
I think this is an intriguing start of a novel, but needs quite a bit of fine-tuning to make it flourish.

Best of luck with it

Regards
Yhon
6
6
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Dear Doctors

Thank you for the opportunity to read and review Chapter 2 of Game of the Gods, which I felt processed the story well and again, had a good inner arch.

The pace was okay, a little too fast if anything. I felt that your action scenes could do with a bit more clarification. How many ek-taks? Where is everyone positioned? I found myself re-reading lines quite a bit to follow the action and I thought the internal struggle between Theminor’s training and his harlor was such an interesting concept it’s worthy of elaboration.

I would caution against “name dropping” i.e. a lot of geographical references. They meant nothing to me (the reader) and slowed me up, because each new name raised questions. In addition, they seemed like an odd thing to dream about. Maybe it is just me, but I’ve never dreamt of a landscape, other than as a backdrop to the action. As a point of reference, your description of the nightmares worked a lot better. They were very “dream like” and tied in with previous chapters. Perhaps you could use the dream sequence to further explore the day-to-day life of these people or Theminor’s nearest and dearest. (Giving him family or friends to worry about makes him identifiable for the reader.)

For consistency’s sake, can you clear up the lighting issue? When Theminor awakes, he marvels at the blue moonlight, but moments later he can’t see the ek-tak because it is pitch black. Which is it?

To me, the ek-tak didn’t feel quite believable, but I’m sure you can easily clear that up. For pack-hunting animals, they did not seem to have much of a strategy. They seemed to take great personal risk and attack in an each-ek-tak-for-itself way. Also, in your description you use two animals (cat and bear) that generally hunt solitary. Perhaps that association threw me. They gave the impression of animals who would normally hunt alone, but who for some reason were forced to be in a group. I had the sense that there was a reason these animals attacked so fiercely and that may be it was the same reason that they had ventured so far onto the ice. Unless it would totally destroy your plot, could you reveal that reason at this time? Or at least hint at it, because it felt a bit as though the animals were just there for the writers’ sakes.

I believe I mentioned it about your prologue as well, but I feel you have a double challenge in writing this novel and I admire you for doing it. It is difficult to clearly differentiate between ‘Theminor’s World‘, ‘Gods’ World’ and ‘Real World’. It’s like you have an extra layer of imagined reality. The ‘Gods Layer’ is the novel’s greatest asset, but because of this, it is imperative to get it right. For example; if a god makes something unexpected happen in ‘Theminors World’ there is a danger that an unsuspecting reader like me mistakes it for an act of the writers. Of course, I don’t know your plot, so all this can be complete rubbish…

I had the feeling with this chapter, as well as the previous one, that I was seeing the story as if in a rear-view mirror. The plot was moving forward, but by the time I saw something, we had gone past it. The ek-tak for example. If you mention them in chapter one and maybe elaborate on why they are not expected this far onto the ice it explains why our group of “takers” doesn’t feel the need to leave one of them to guard. They don’t seem foolish not to and we immediately understand Theminor’s surprise to encounter them.
Just a thought, but if the reason for the ek-tak attack is something like an unusually harsh winter this could tie in nicely, as nothing makes us feel more at the mercy of gods than the weather…

A little style point: you have a slight tendency to double mention things such as dreams and nightmares (the latter being a subset of the first) and “his hand and his palm”, “rending him limb from limb and slowly tearing him to pieces” etc.

Overall, I thought your protagonist developed well, we saw more of his culture and customs, but as I tried to mention in my second paragraph, I felt he could do with a bit more humanising. Another thing is that he seems to be feeling guilty over the disastrous turn of events on this ‘taking’, but in my view, he has not done anything wrong. I can’t quite empathise with his guilt. What does he blame himself for and more importantly; what would he have done differently?

I hope this is helpful. If it is, please left me know what you find particularly so and, of course, what you do not agree with.

Kind regards
Yhon
7
7
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Dear Doctors

Thank you for the opportunity to read and review Chapter 1 of Game of the Gods.

I liked the setting of this chapter. It was original and you obviously have spent time imagining the details not only of the environment, but also what it is like for the characters to exist there. I liked the cultural background of the characters and how it tied in with the prologue.

The chapter had a steady pace, which moved it along well. It also had a defined arch and enough tension at the end to persuade the reader to continue with chapter two.

There was something I found very odd about the characterisation in this chapter. Obviously, the people, their customs and cultural idiosyncrasies had been worked out, but only towards the end of the chapter did this lead to a portrayal of a person.
Please start the chapter off with Theminor’s name. There seemed to be no reason to conceal it and all the time its absence created distance to the character.
Also, if you mention Jorg earlier on in the chapter, not just when he dies, it would create an emotional bond with him (or at least with Theminor who mourns him).

Difficult to say, without knowing the rest of the story, but this chapter seemed to further the plot well. It set up the characters and their situation very well.

I could not get a clear picture of the whole Jorg rescue scene. I tried, but I just couldn’t get it visualised; who was standing where, which way did the ice move, etc.?

Overall, your language was okay. I would caution against using judgemental words like ‘foolishly’ or ‘nightmarish’, because the characters do not own them. They are the author’s opinion of the characters and, for me, they create detachment from the characters. Also, if these people don’t think of themselves as barbarians, it’s better not to use that word to describe them. Instead, use their own word deca’lar. (Beware of using ‘foreign’ words for the sake of it, like ‘oosavi’).

I wouldn’t mind seeing more of the cultural background of these people. How does they culture lead them to interpret the world around them. They are in constant danger, so at least some of the time their thoughts must be on death. What is their believe in an afterlife like? What are their death rituals? Is the body important, or not?
I also would be interested to see more of the actual environment. For example, you mentioned ‘predators’. What kind?

The dialogue at the end seemed a bit cowardly and therefore out of sink with the way the characters were described earlier on. They don’t sound like Warriors of the Frost.
It may help to remind the reader of the age of these men and it wouldn’t hurt to give Igloth some background even if it is through Theminor’s opinion of him.

I hope this is helpful.

Kind regards
Yhon
8
8
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear Doctors

Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your prologue.
I found this start to your novel very engaging and although not a fan of the omniscient POV per se, it worked very effectively in this godly context. (Though sometimes it gave most weight on Now’chi’s perspective).

Although, the Gaming Room is generally well set up occasionally it uses comparisons to “the mortal realm”. For example, I wonder if you would consider changing the first sentence, because “filled to capacity” is such a worldly phrase. It doesn’t seem to sit well with the concept of another realm. For me it looses a bit of credibility in those phrases. I might be wrong here in that your idea of the godly realm is in fact very physical, on the same plane as the mortal world (like a sky ship or something), but as a reader of this prologue, without any knowledge of the world you have created the effect is that I am reminded that the place exists outside of reality. The danger is that I think ‘my reality’, not the other mortal reality, Caldoria, that you have created. Am I making any sense here?

I found the style a bit wordy, but I’m sure I would get into it if handled consistently. This usually takes me two or three chapters. When you use the titles of the gods though, I think it would be best to use capitals, as they serve as name replacements. (e.g. God of Evil).

Personally I don’t favour descriptions stuffed into actions, such as “The black robed god of evil turned his head […]” I would like the black robe to stand on its own so that it is given more importance and better aids the image of the character.

I loved the names of the gods and how you depicted them as separate and recognisable characters, in particular Fendria.

Overall, I thought this was a decent start to a novel and wish you best of luck with the rest of it.

Kind regards
Yhon
9
9
Review of Elegy of an End  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Dear Hanuda

Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your short story. I must admit, I wasn’t sure what to make of it; it looked like prose, but read like poetry. Plotless, the piece seemed intended to evoke sentiment, though I wasn’t sure what kind. I suppose this is what one would call a "mood piece".

The language was little bit too floral for my liking and I found this to the detriment of the meaning. However, I did find some gems, such as “their song blowing the world to dust“, “proprietor of reality” and “arms of my imagination”.

Overall, I thought the piece would be best served with fewer words, to be distilled, if you like, to its essence; a poem. Your use of language is well suited to that form.
Alternatively, put the mood in a bit more context. If this is a short story; where is the plot, where the characterisation?

I liked: the title, although ‘elegy’ and ‘end’ sort of go together already, your use of the word naught, the dark jury, “my wife, my myth” and the flutes and sirens.

One sentence that completely threw me was “like a memory of your life when you were at the age of four”. I thought the narrator was addressing someone directly. What little atmosphere I attained evaporated immediately at that moment.

I hope this is useful.

Kind regards
Yhon
10
10
Review of Home Wrecker  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Dear Valeriya

First piece of advise: Use the protagonist’s name in the first sentence, instead of ‘She’. Nothing is gained by hiding her identity and it would enable you to get rid of some of the subsequent she’s.

I liked “Makeup, usually a taboo item for such a dedicated individualist, had been applied early, sparingly and with much consideration.” A beautifully crafted sentence depicts a clear impression of her character. In fact, I don’t think you need to go into how little concealer she used.

I didn’t like “The humid heat of South Carolina had done nothing to help her normally frizzy hair” for two reasons. Humidity heightens frizziness, not ‘did nothing to help’ is not just an understatement, it is wrong. In itself, this wouldn’t be so bad, but you also implied that normally her hair is frizzy, but now it’s not.

I really did not get “Fine figure of a woman... that's a compliment and a curse, she thought, recalling the seemingly innumerable shirts that had to be handed down or away after only a few wears.” What do you mean?

Perhaps you could clarify what Tzirel’s plan is at the start. You said in your request for help what she didn’t want; Jack’s pity and to be a home-wrecker, but the crux of the story is about what she does want. Does she want him back? Is she part of a honey-trap? If she wants him, what does she want him for: forever, for one night? Why does she want him? That might change throughout the story, but if so, her change of mind should play a central part in the story.
Also, I think you could expand a little on their history together - this would help to explain what she’s after now.
She does seem like someone unaccustomed to flirting, someone with a low self-esteem. Depending on Jack’s character he might pity her for her attempts at seduction, he might be oblivious to it or he might enjoy the attention, whether he would take her up on any offer or not.

I hope this helps.

Kind regards,
Yhon
11
11
Review of Dark Night  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Dear B

Thank you for the opportunity to review your story. I read another review of it, which tempted me to read it. Always a good thing to publicly review pieces… well almost.

It was a very dark tale (title should have given me a clue there, really) and given that I have recently walked away from a major motorcycle accident, not entirely comfortable reading.

I very much liked the way you interspersed the background with the main, hurricane event. It worked very effectively and kept the pace going really well. I did for a moment wonder if Danny was blind (hence dogs) but then remembered he’d seen the lightening. The wheelchair introduction was very well timed.

I was not too impressed with some of the language. I had to read a few sentences a couple of times and it took me a fair while before I realised Danny had two dogs. (Ruby could have been anyone.) Nothing major, but it just interrupted my reading flow a bit.
Example:-
“black and gray speckled lab mix” - could you break this description up a bit?

I found the ending slightly dissatisfying. I guess because it was so very undeserved. I know. I know. I’m a romantic. Danny was such a sympathetic character I felt sorry for him. I wonder if you can introduce a sense of him ‘cheating fate’ earlier in the story.

Best of luck in your future ventures.

Cheers
Yhon
12
12
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear Luxury

Thank you for the opportunity to read and review this short story.

I thought it was a charming piece, cleverly set the day after the protagonist began rebuilding society, not on the first. You wisely don't clog up the story with the Task meeting or any of the "big stuff", merely mentioning it in passing.

The main theme brought a smile to my face.

I realise I know almost nothing about the protagonist, but that’s OK, because any further background would clutter up the story.

I think you are very good at descriptions and if anything I think you can put more into this piece. It is such a visual item - let’s be honest. It’s all about looks. I guess you can exploit that a little and use descriptions of people to further the atmosphere. What do the two women discussing the painting look like. From their comments and actions can the protagonist deduce what their body image is? For example; when the one says "Look at those arms", she could cautiously touch her own.
The protagonist’s an artist, right. He/She would be struck all the time by people’s looks - especially given his/her Task. (Not in a bad way, but like you intimate, admiringly)

The ending was very touching, but a bit rushed. This, I think, is a good point to put in a bit more description, to emphasise the difference between RBs and NBs.

Excellent work though.

Best of luck
Yhon
13
13
Review of Chapter One  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear Al

Thanks for the opportunity of reading your first chapter. I love the chance to give you feedback, but first of all; I don’t know at what stage of your novel you are and my feedback kind of depends on it. It of course also depends on the kind of writer you are, but that is an even bigger mystery.
If you are only partway through writing your first draft I’d advise you to not read any further. Just carry on and enjoy the process of discovering this story. The chapter I read had some interesting possibilities, so develop them to the end and then look at my comments below.
However, if you are already at the stage of having a complete first draft, or are stuck and looking for a new angle I hope my observations are helpful.

Point one: The opening. I personally don’t favour dream-sequences, but I can not honestly say what the purpose of this one is. There might be some purpose that is revealed later on the the story. I wondered what the reactor was the protagonist was working on. As it is a dream it could something “real” i.e. her daily work, or some twisted version of it, or something completely different, which only makes sense to the Protagonist’s subconscious. Since you refer to the fact that this is a recurring dream that haunts the protagonist I assume there is a specific purpose. Please, keep the significance of the dream in mind. If its only purpose is to create an illusion of action, your readers can feel a little cheated and it can seem like a parlour-trick.

Point Two: The characters. I think you have got an interesting mix of people and you have most probably some potential relational conflicts worked out and it will be enjoyable to read about them. I did get the feeling, as I was reading the chapter, that the main purpose of the chapter was to one by one introduce the main characters. This seemed a little divorced from the drive of the story. For example the running into each other of Natalie and Kelly, the little dialogue between Natalie and Wolfgang. I wondered what the point was, other than introducing Kelly and Wolfgang. The discussion between Parker and Natalie was however a good exception. That moved the story forward and gave insight in to both characters, as well as the situation.
Don’t forget that you have a whole novel to introduce the characters and that it can be quite nice for the reader not to have too many characters to remember at once.
I was a bit puzzled by David’s reaction to the fact that he was frightened of sitting next to the window and yet forced to do so. He seemed to simply put his fears out of his mind, which made me wonder what the point was of mentioning them. The scene did not give me a clear picture of his character.

Point three: The arc. My one real criticism of this chapter is the conclusion, in that it doesn’t really have one. It seemed to me that the last scene did not really end, but just sort of stopped. This heightened the impression of this chapter merely being a tool to introduce the characters rather than integrating them with the narrative.
On a business point, this chapter may be the only one you get to send to a possible agent or publishing house, so you really want to leave them with an urge to read on. You want that last scene to stick in their minds and make them want to know more. Try thinking of a cliff-hanger you could use. What is the hook of your novel; can you hint at that in your first chapter?

I hope the points above are of use to you and wish you the best of luck with your novel.

Kind regards
Yhon
14
14
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Dear PenName

What I liked:
The piece has some real gems of language in this piece; “the depths of truth” for example. This use of language works particularly well in the dialogue, though not quite so well in the narration. Perhaps this is because the narrator sort of becomes invisible after his/her/its introduction.
“I know what you're manacles do to people, and I'm not going to be prey to their vicious teeth” for instance I really liked, but not so much “Truly this would have been the demise of both warriors.”
There are also hints that the writer has quite a detailed image of the world in which the story is set. It could be worked out a little bit more, but the germ is definitely there. I liked the name ‘dragonsteed’, which I though was well chosen, as well as the ideas of what the dragons look like and how they are both used and revered.

What I did not like:
I did not like that this piece reads like a first chapter instead of a short story. Maybe that was the competition brief, but it doesn’t make sense to me. However interesting the images and ideas put down in this story, without an ending, it is meaningless and it is a shame, because there are obviously some really neat ideas in it.

The characters:
It is difficult to tell whether these are rounded characters, as all of them enter and exit the stage rather rapidly, from the narrator to the ogress. Because the narrator is literally telling the story he/she/it can and does flit quickly between the other characters giving us details about all of them at once. For example I wondered what the statement “The lean man, Allen, always had his scars removed with magic from whatever wizard would give him the cheapest price for the procedure”, however fascinating, added to the interrogation scene.
I would prefer a more immediate introduction of the characters i.e. give me the name and a brief description at the start of the scene. “Their swords clashed” immediately made me wonder whose swords, but I had to wait a really long time to find out.

Ruinya seemed like fascinating character, though I was confused by the description of her as a rather slow-witted ogress (though not as slow-witted as other ogres) and her intelligent verbal skills.

In summary: I liked the setting and most of the language, but I felt it was a short story trying to be a novel. I have a sneaky suspicion it might be a really interesting exercise to see what would happen if both these formats were explored separately; one short story and one novel. I’m sure you have enough good ideas to fill both.

I hope this is helpful

Regards
Yhon
15
15
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear Jason

Without knowing the brief of the competition I can only comment on the piece in isolation.

First of all I think you did a great job in finding the captain’s voice. The piece was very much in keeping with ST:TOS’ style. I liked that you stuck to one POV, rather than give in to the temptation of “showing everyone”.

I liked some of the references to episodes, but there were a lot of them and it did edge towards sounding clever. Mind you, it might have been part of the brief - I don’t know.

I thought the piece was very engaging and although it dealt with a very mushy theme, it was not too sweet. I felt it seemed as realistic as ST:TOS ever got. Dialogue was handled well.

Well done.

I hope you win.

Regards
Yhon
16
16
Review of The Geuji  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Sarah

I really liked this piece. I've had my share of alien POVs so I know what it's like. In time I might actually publish something and look forward to the feedback you can offer me as I offer you mine.
You handled the POV very well, giving both physical and cultural descriptions that actually contributed to the story.

I loved the names you used, although at the start it was a little bit confusing; especially the difference between the Geuji and Xuthra. I thought he/it was a composite creature, but that did not seem to be the case at the end of the story.

Be careful not to use neologism for show, or as I suspect may be the case, because that's what the alien culture calls it, without explaining it to the reader. (sudah?)

Personally I think this setting and these peoples are so good they deserve a novel, or at least a series of short stories, not just one.

Your dialogues were very punchy. If anything you could perhaps give a bit more description, just to hook the reader in that little bit more.

I look forward to reading more of your work.

Kind regards
Yhon
17
17
Review of NEW BEGINNINGS  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear JC

Very nice start to a story you have here. The opening dialogue is a brave choice. It raises a lot of questions. I was desperate to find out who Curt and Jarod were and who they were to each other. They obviously had had that discussion a few times before. I thought they were having the talk in private, sharing their concerns perhaps, but then the first line of the next paragraph really stirred me up. “With that the people started to disperse…” Killer hook, but please give the reader some answers. Where did the conversation take please? Which people?

The next bit shows good insight into how people on Earth might react to the situation of resettlement. There are some intriguing hooks in there too. ‘Structured’; in what way are people’s lives structured? Who are The 10? How did they meet? I can’t wait to find out more about that/them…

You dialogue with the journalist is very good. Not only does it in simple and straightforward terms explain how the process of resettlement will work, the language itself seems very natural. It used to be a favourite trick in sf to explain science or situations through dialogue and it became rather suspect for a while, but you have a good example here.

Again, it is a captivating opening to what promises to be an adventurous story. Let me know how it goes.

To improve it I can only recommend you might want to consider broadening the opening dialogue a little so the reader gets a bit more about the characters and setting.
Also perhaps you could write The Ten instead of The 10; I find numbers in text distracting, but that may just be me…

Keep on writing.

Yhon
18
18
Review of First Apples  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Wow, this is really good. What a lovely sketch of a place and time this is. I assume the blue and bold words were mandatory.
I got a bit confused at the start of the piece regarding the mailboxes. I didn’t quite get what you meant by “Of course everyone could have had their mailbox close. But, for some reason, we all chose to have our mailboxes up at the end of the road, in a tight group.”
If I had to criticise, and this is probably because I don’t quite know the context of this piece, is that it lacks dramatic tension. Though it is truly a lovely mood-sketch and a great set up for a story, it has more atmosphere than plot. Again, within the context you wrote it, that might be entirely appropriate.
I loved it; especially the voice you use for the protagonist. Though you aptly sidestepped direct description, I got a good sense of this boy, his mother and the old man.
19
19
Review of The Library  
Rated: 13+ | (1.5)
Goodness... How about some punctuation? It is desperately needed. You need to indicate where one sentence finishes and another begins.
There are some really good bits, like the mother (to be honest, I thought it was a father until the very end) is too busy to engage with Holly. Very realistic.
There are also some shortcomings, though I don't think it'll take much to correct them. If you manage to answer the questions below in your story you'll be a lot closer.
1. What is the gift Holly has? What has it to do with the events in the library?
2. How and when did the woman-ghost (by the way, the singular is woman, not women) warn the mother? Why did she do that?
3. Why is the gateway to hell in the library in the first place?
One final point, the past tense of 'run' is 'ran'.
I hope this helps.
20
20
Rated: ASR | (2.0)
I like the premise of inseparable twins, but the story has a long and descriptive introduction. It makes it easy to understand the situation, but not so easy to identify with the characters. Try to write it again, but in a first person narrative. Which person would you pick? Who do you want the reader to identify with? Even if it were only an exercise, it would be interesting to see what happens.
I don't like the switch from past to present tense. It doesn't work and it seems like you've suddenly switched from a story to a screenplay.
It seems that the piece is set in modern times, but the dialogue between the sisters is old fashioned e.g. "Our spirits are but one". Remember, these are teenage girls.
20 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/yhoni