Peace

There was a moment between us when I made my peace with you. It was a quiet moment that seemed to stretch out in front of us like the horizon. The sun leaked in from our bedroom window and dabbled the wood floor at the foot of our bed. I snaked one arm around you and pulled up close against you your back. You mumbled something soft and incoherent. I ran one hand through your black curls and smiled against the warmth of your neck. It was one moment between us before the world came rushing back in.

In my world there are long workweeks that leave my spirit ragged at the edges. There are times that I take my stress out on you, times that I demand that you pay the debt my addictions leave behind. In my world there are at least ten things that come before you, before us. I live, emotionally crippled by the mistakes my heroes have made and the promises my villains have broken. I am ruled by my fears and inconsistencies, tugged along by my often-misguided heart. I am prone to silent, sullen soul-searching and end up losing more of myself amid the gray patches. My world is not kind. It rolls forward and onward, dragging along the casualties of my bad choices behind.

Yet, there was a moment between us, when I opened to you. I tried to bring you inside my spaces. I asked you to cross over and view the world shoulder to shoulder with me. I’d always looked at you and seen the eyes of our children, I asked you then to make this life with me. Silence came instead of the answer my heart had hoped for. I found a mask to wear around our friends and family. I memorized the excuses you used until they became acceptable, rolled from my lips and blossomed into truths. Rejection hardened my heart and thickened my skin. I took late night showers to hide tears. I converted the hours of sleeplessness into food for my mental machinery. That time, the time when I still bled for you, seems farther away than any time in my life.

There was a moment between us when I said goodbye. It was that moment when I laid our hopes and dreams at your beautiful feet and walked away.