Drift

Drift
I walk awash in my sins....waiting for the tide to come and carress the pain in these veins. I walk with muscles atrophied, every step a miracle of humanity a small victory leading me to my ultimate defeat. Fuck the American Dream. Fuck the Administration. Fuck the conspiracies and everything you thought you knew. Fuck the things you didn't know. Why do we need people. Why do you use me. Why can't I live in this solitude. I can't rely on myself and that scares me. My heart often overrules my brain. I am scared. I am lost and alone a frightened little gurl. But aren't we all scared little gurls....? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder so do blind people live in ugliness? I think we are all blind. All blind to our conditions. All blind and disjointed. Out of touch with everything. The battery acid that pumps through these veins keeps me awake. as this life passes by. I have nothing here nothing in this space.I want something here. I want to fill this space., I want to feel. Something. I want something that I cannot have. I want to be happy. I want to be understood I want to be needed, truly needed. I want to LOVE. I want to give of myself to someone and not just parts. I want to give all that I am, all that I was and all that I will be to someone..... Trust.... I am a walking corpse. The humans ahve destroyed everything human about me. I have been rendered into a nothing. Everything has been sucked from this husk until I am nothing but a shallow hull automatic and functioning.... I have nothing. I want something..... I want some warmth. I want someone to want me for more than carnal reasons. I'm not so bad. I'm not so tainted. Jaded.... bitter....... I need to feel something more than this. I need to feel something more than lust. I want something more than lust. everyone always disacrds me, like a broken playtoy. like a broken dollie..... I'm not sleeping..... I'm not eating, am I even breathing? Is that a question or a bit of rhetoric.... what is a question? what is anyhting anymore. Everything is subjective. Who decided things? Why is a word called a word.... why can't it be something other than what it is, or maybe it is...... Adulteration, subdigation, Fornication, education, Adulation, congratulations......who says anything that means something? Why are we all so plastic? Why are we posable? pretending to be posers... pretending to be fakes and reproductions. whats original? We're all papermache......we are all paperdolls..... nothing organic about our society we are wasters and users and all producers and users of garbage often making garbage of things that aren't. what is sacred anymore? to me there are so many sacred things...people desecrate me..... I let them. I open up the doors and invite them in...am I addicted to the pain of it, the pain of disappointment, the pain of heartbreak.... or the release, maybe pain is my release... everything fails me.... I fail myself..... I just want someone to say to me I understand.... You are my friend..... I care.... But I'm not holding my breath. Not holding my breath as the tide pulls at me, beckoning for my return. begging me to come and play. dying inside, dead to most things. Crying inside, crying tears of crimson. Feeling forgotten forsaken and lost. I am the unwanted one. The one that you like on a Wednesday but have discarded by Friday......I am not Wednesdays child. I am Tuesdays child full of fear and loathing full of disappointments and shattered dreams.... Dreams.... Ambition I have... Mi Amor, Mi Corazon es Morta..... Shivering, quivering, death rattles, screams of ecstacy, feeling no pain as the knife slices through the frail skin of my inner child...... all innocence lost... Did I have innocence in the first place? I was born with the original sin...... let me sink into numbness, let me kill the pain, too cowardly to kill myself. My inner child pays for it all....... drift drift and die. drift drift and cry drift drift
~You don't care about how I feel I don't feel it anymore~