The Stark Reality of Christmas

    'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, until the sound of the chimney flue opening woke Mark.  It was not a sound he had expected to hear, nor was it in any way familiar.  Mark's fireplace was rarely used.  He would have let the screeching sound pass as unchecked oddity, some kind of half-dream hallucination, but, the louder sound of metal tumbling against brick sent him to the closet for a baseball bat, and then down the stairs to investigate.

         He slowly eased his way into the family room, careful not to give away his position.  He kept running the possibilities through his head.  Burglar?  A wayward bird?  Poltergeist?  The latter two were dismissed when he saw the darkened figure looking around his home with a large bag over it's shoulder.  Mark slipped to the wall that held the light switch and steeled himself one final time, hoping like hell he would be able to scare the thief away without incident.  Then he flipped the switch.

         Light filled the room immediately, revealing the figure to be a rather large, elderly, bearded man, in a red suit.  Mark was taken aback for a moment, most likely, this man was homeless and seeking shelter or just food, it had been a harsh winter.  Now his anger turned on him, but he had to make a stand, the possibility of threat was too great.  He put the bat out in front of him.

         "Who are you and what are you doing in my house?"

         "Ho, Ho, Ho," laughed the man.  "Merry Christmas, Mark."

         "What?  How do you know my name?"

         "I know all the girls and boys," said the man.

         Something wasn't adding up correctly.  "What are you doing in my house?"

         "I've come to bring presents to your little ones."

         "What?"

         "I'm Santa."

         Mark grimaced, "Have we met?"

         Now Santa was confused, "Well, no."

         "Then how do you know my name," Mark raised the bat to punctuate his
question.

         "I'm Santa Claus, Saint Nick, I bring presents to all the good little girls and boys on Christmas."

         "So you broke into my house to give my children things?"

         "Well, I, didn't think --"

         "Didn't think what?  Didn't think I'd wake up?  Didn't think I'd have a baseball bat?"

         The mood was getting tense.  "I don't mean any harm."

         Just then there was a scarping noise from the roof.

         "What was that," asked Mark, without taking his eyes off Santa.

         "That was just my reindeer."

         "What?"

         "I travel from the North Pole on a sleigh pulled by reindeer."

         Mark narrowed his eyes, "Bullshit.  If you're here to give my kid presents, then
what were you looking around my living room for?"

         "I was looking for your Christmas tree."

         "Why would there be a tree in my living room?"

         "Um," Santa looked around his eye sockets for the answer, "I don't know."

         Both the men stared at each other for a minute.  Santa waiting for a pardon, Mark looking for an answer.

         "I'm calling the police," Mark broke the silence, and edged toward the phone.

         "That's not necessary," Santa said as he stepped forward.

         Mark stopped suddenly, "Don't move a muscle, fat man."

         Santa stood perfectly still.

         Mark dialed 911 and waited for the operator to pick up.  "Hello, yeah I have an intruder in my house."  There was a pause, "I've got a bat and am holding him in my living room."  Another pause, "I don't know, I think he's some kind of pedophile stalker, he knows a lot about my family."  Yet again, "He's about four hundred pounds, wearing a bright red velvet suit and has a trucker bearded."  Mark listened again, "I don't know.  He says he brought presents and was looking for a tree."  Another pause, "Yeah, I'll hold."

         "I'll just go," Santa turned to leave.

         Mark brought the bat up as if to strike and stepped within range, "You aren't going nowhere, fatty.  Get on your face."

Merry Christmas to all, and to all, a good night.