Mind's Voice

I wish that the colours of my life were bountiful and bold, overflowing with an amazing ensemble of life and love. I wish my cares were swept away in a tide of blissful paradise leaving me feeling satisfied and content. Instead I feel empty and hollow, every inkling of positive emotion has been stripped from me, leaving me scared and alone.

It is amazing how quickly a self-created demon can possess and overwhelm you, making you feel helpless and raw. They can reach out and grasp you so tight that the very air in your lungs is constricted from your body. I try to cry out in pain and fear but I cannot utter a single word, forced to suffer in silence.

Every thought I have is dominated by anger, hatred and self destruction, leaving me to rot like a carcass festering in eternal pestilence. How I yearn to feel happiness again, or joy, or fulfilment. I am drained by the very thought of trying to overcome this rankle plague. I feel blinded from all that is good and true, I’m so frightened.

Everyday I’m rejected, everyday I lose a part of me that longs to be complete. I feel my humanity is slipping through my hands like the sands in an hourglass. I desperately try to be “normal” like everyone else, but the more I try the more frustrated I get because I simply cannot do it. It seems that I’ve lost my true identity in the webs of deception; even if I get better tomorrow I’m afraid of what lays beneath. “Just be yourself,” people say but how do I know I am who I’m truly meant to be.

The tears that once flowed freely from my eyes have long since diminished leaving me no release from the ache. I run endless fields of despair and anguish, searching for a glimmer of light in this dark abysmal realm. If not for my mask of never ending untruths, the monster that dwells within me will be leased upon those I still care about.

It is a battle of wills trying to get out of bed in the morning and face life the way it is. Often I don’t want to eat, or sleep or interact with those around me as I don’t see the point of helping some-thing I can’t stand to know. I don’t see a way out of this depression; it has taken over every aspect of my wellbeing. I feel physically sick and constantly tired, will I ever know peace again?