I want to write!

Like many others, when I was a kid, I thought I wrote well. The general commendation drove me to believe so. My essays (English/Bengali) fetched the best marks in class. I occasionally won essay competitions too. I scored the highest in class in all my literature papers. My family thought I was a born writer. My friends always admired my short stories and writing style. My teachers thought that my writings had absolute clarity and I constructed my sentences well. And I thought I had a future in the business of writing.

That was a long time ago. Almost a decade to be precise.

And it took me a decade to realise how mistaken I was.

Over the last ten years, I gathered for myself (mind it, for myself alone) that I think well, but can't put them that well in words. I understood that there was a huge difference between creative writing and mere documentation of thoughts. I can write with clarity but no one will ever need to open a dictionary to understand my language or even re-read any line to get the 'hidden' meaning behind the words.

Yes, my writings are very simple. My words are simple. My thoughts are not simple though. But I know the art of simplying thoughts and putting them across like a school kid.

No. I'm not a writer. I can never be one.

Am I fretting the lack of talent (or whatever it is)? No. But I would have immensely liked it if I had it!

I could have framed the same lines better. I could have inspired people to write. I could have made people feel good about their language, by being poetic about the most mundane topics.

The truth is that I want to write. Not because I want to become a writer. But because I would have liked to express better and be satisfied with my own writing skills... right now, it's frustration and anger that I am living with... frustration at being lied to and believing in all the lies that people told me about my 'brilliant writing skills'.

Wish they were for real!