On the Brink of Change

I’m worried, stressed, and scared
Confused, mystified, and sad
So many changes have taken place
Over the past couple years
And I know that I’ll never be the same
Being married, getting pregnant
Having my son, raising him
My illness and husband’s temper
Going to school for medical assisting
Doing unpaid work as an extern
Now looking for a job to get off welfare
My son’s in daycare
And he’s doing well
But my husband and I are having problems
And I finally had enough so I
Put a restraining order on him
And we’ll have to go back to court
And decide what to do next
And I’m not sure what I want
But I know that love isn’t enough anymore
And I’m tired of forgiving my husband’s angry episodes
And I’ve felt trapped before
I don’t want to feel that way anymore
I’ve never had my own place
I need to have my own power
So no one can have it over me
I need God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit
To love, guide, and support me
As I try to make difficult decisions
To decide what’s best for my son and I
And who knows how hard my husband will fight
For our son or how angry he’ll be with me
Things between us may never be the same
Maybe they shouldn’t be
I used to think that all of our
Problems that we survived and struggled through
Were a sign of our strength as a couple
But now I’m not so sure
Maybe it’s a weakness
Or a sign that something’s wrong
With our relationship
Every relationship is different and unique
But perhaps ours has run its course
He’s hurt me many times
And I’ve hurt him too
But he’s never been afraid of me
But I’ve been terrified of him many times
Sometimes for things that had nothing
Too do with me
But I take the brunt since I’m there
Whether I deserve it or not
And my son’s been affected too
My husband’s tried and he’s improved
With anger management
But his temper’s still too much to take
For my son and I
I don’t want my son to witness more violence
I can’t handle anymore myself
Too much stress affects me strongly
Because of my illness
And it would be hard to be a single parent
But I do have family, friends, and church
To help me and I can pray
And my husband should always have a place
In our son’s life along with his family
But I have to have custody
So my son and I are as safe as can be.