Diary Adventures of Father and Son

“This is Mike Henry Montgomery. I’m from the Church of Jesus Christ and Latter-Day Saints. Hi, how are you today? I want to take a few minutes of your time to talk to you about…”

Door slams unexpectantly…

“Okay, thank-you for your time you rude arrogant cock-sucking son of a bitch! Hey Gary!!”
“Yeah dad!!”
“Start the van; it looks like it’s going to be a wonderful lovely day today.”

While inside the van…

“Dad, can we cut the horseshit here? When mom said you can have me for the weekend, this is not what she meant.”
“Listen son, when you reach my age you’ll understand.”
“Understand what?”
“The pain your mother gave me.”
“You cheated on her!”
“She wasn’t supposed to find out!”
“Whatever dad, what prank are we playing next?”
“It’s something I’d like to call a Doozy. Pull-over right here…”

Passenger side window rolls down…

“Hey little girl, do you want some candy?”

Girl screams loudly and runs off in the opposite direction…

“Go! Go! Go!”
“Damn it dad, that was not cool!”
“Yes it was. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! I am Sparta!!!”

3 hours later…

“License and registration please…do you know why I pulled you over today son?”
“Uh…I was going 65 on a 55?”
No!! You were going 45 on a 55!! That’s too damn slow! You made me spill my coffee… … …get out of the car son, put your hands on the hood and spread em’.”

Officer pulls out a rubber glove and roughly slips it onto his right hand.

“Father do something!”
“I would, but I am just way too shitfaced to think of anything at the moment.”
“You son of a bitch!”

45 minutes later…

“HAAAAA-HAAAAAAA-HAAAAAAA-HUUUUU!!! Oh man, you should have seen the look on your face when that officer plunge his hand up your ass like you were his puppet. Cigarette? No? Okay Kermit. HAAAAAAA-HAAAAAAAAA-HAAAAAAAAAAA!!!”
“Just…just take me home dad!”
“Son, son, don’t be so ashamed. At least you’re not a virgin anymore. What are you 14 now?”
“I’m 17 dad!”
“17?!! What a surprise! My boy is all grown up. Here, have a drink.”
“Dad, I don’t want any, just take me home.”
“There’s one last thing I gotta do first.”

1 hour later…

“Here we are.”
“Dad, we’re in the frickin’ ghetto.”
“I know, just relax. I have a surprise for you. Wait here.”

45 minutes later…

“Your surprise should be here any minute now. Just wait.”
“Dad, what did you do?”
“Oh, I just went into the restroom stall of that there convenient store and… … …stuck my dick in the glory hole and you know, let her rip.”
“Oh my God dad! How could you?”
“Relax, it’s not like I’m married to your mother anymore. Besides, this lovely gal agreed to come out and give you a blowjob too.”
“Father, I have a girlfriend. Don’t do this to me.”
“You have a girlfriend?! Wow son! Congratulations! Is she 18?”
“Don’t even go there dad.”
“I’m just saying; she might be interested in a little sandwich action that’s all.”
“Dad stop!”
“You know, there was this one weekend when I was invited over to the neighbor’s house for an orgy party…”
“Dad…”
“No wait! It gets better! There was this gay couple there. Man, you should have seen them go at it. It was like watching two hippos go at it in the wild. It was so beautiful. It…it actually made me cry. Just thinking about it right now makes me wanna cry…[SNIFF, SNIFF]…Oh! Here she comes. Pull your dick out son.”
“Dad, I told you I don’t… … …is that… … …Oh my God! That is a fucking she-man.”
“Whoa son!! Watch the language. Let me get a better look here… … …yep, I can’t see shit. I’m all fucked-up.”
“Dad, that is a goddamn man!”
“Are you sure? She looks pretty hot from where I’m sitting.”
“That’s because you’re drunk. Dad, turn the van on and let’s get the hell out of here!”
“Okay son…just give me a minute to find my keys. Where did I put them…”
“It’s right there in the ignition.”
“Oh yeah; let’s go!”

Back at Mike Henry Montgomery’s house…

“Son…I just want to say this evening was awkwardly strange…but beautiful nevertheless. It didn’t go as I originally planned, but it was still good. What was your favorite moment today?”
“Gee dad let’s see: between the pranks, the heavy drinking on your part, the cop violating me from behind, and my ass still hurts by the way! The prostitute that turned out to be a tranny…I guess I have to say it was NONE OF THE ABOVE!!!”
“Yeah, keep your voice down when talking about the tranny. I don’t want the neighbors to think I’m a homophobe. I play strip-poker with them on Thursday’s.”
“You mean you have orgy parties with them on Thursday’s.”
“That too, but only on weekends.”
“You know dad, I really wanted to like you. But after today, I’m just not so sure. You keep messing things up.”
“Yeah, I know son. I know I haven’t been a good father, but goddamn it I’m trying. I’m trying! It’s not easy to have your life wasted away by cheap booze and expensive hookers, or was it cheap hookers and expensive booze…you know, now thinking about it...I kinda think it is easy...”
“Dad!”
“Okay, okay son. What I’m trying to say…What I’m really trying to say is that…I love you… … …[VOMIT]… … …OH GOD!! I'm sorry.”
“Thanks Dad. It’s only the 47th time you said, ‘I love you’ to me and barfed on my lap. I’m going inside.”
“Make sure you say, ‘goodnight’ to your mom first.”
“Who? The blow-up doll in the back seat covered with patches.”
“Her name is Cindy! She has a sister…or she HAD a sister.”
“I’m outta here. Goodnight! And try not to do anything stupid like attempting suicide in a parking garage with a hybrid-car.”
“I remember that; I still owe your mother a half a tank of gas for that incident.”
“Goodnight!”

Gary goes into the house upset and disappointed. No more than a minute later, Mike passes out inside the van; leaving the engine running and his hopes and dreams in peril.