Mario v. Master Chief: Part 1

Mario and Master Chief stood side-by-side waiting to be introduced by the moderator.

“I’m going to rip you a new one Mario,” Master Chief said unconvincingly due to his low-pitched Stephen Hawking-like robotic voice.

“Okee-dokee!” Mario replied fearlessly in his high pitched non-robotic helium-ingested voice.

“Good evening everybody. My name is Kratos reporting live from PBS, home of Big Bird, in gorgeous Denver, Colorado. If you’ve been living in a cave for the past decade, I’m from the Gods of War video-game franchise exclusive to Sony. Please buy my video games. I beg ya’. My unemployment benefits are about to expire and my third wife is having a baby…”

“Uh-ummmm!!” The camera man cleared his throat intentionally to redirect Kratos.

“Sorry, as I was saying, tonight’s debate will focus on three issues: first, the economy… … …wait…I’m sorry, that’s for the presidential debate tomorrow night…anyhow, first, popularity; second, the better character; and third, the better video game console company. I like to introduce you to the nominees now, and yes, the crowd has agreed to remain silent throughout this debate. If they don’t, I’ll rip their fucking hearts out!! With that said, Mario has beaten Master Chief in a round of Dance Dance Revolution. He will be introduced first. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Super Mario Luigi!”

The audience erupted like the crowd at a Denver Broncos football game.

“SILENCE!!!”

The audience immediately grew silent as Mario made his way to the podium, nearly tripping over his Timberlands. As he approached the podium, he secretly pulled out a set of note-cards from his overalls and laid it down on the podium.

“The next nominee is from the Halo video game franchise exclusive to Microsoft. Yes, the same Microsoft company that still hasn’t repaired my broken Xbox 360 system that I sent them years ago. Those goddamn red rings of death! Makes me wanna kill somebody!!”

“Uh-ummmm!!”

“Yes, yes, of course…our next nominee is a Democratic-Republican. Yes folks, he is the Thomas Jefferson of this debate. Give it up for Masteeeeeeeer CHIIIIIIIEEEEEF!!!”

The crowd cheered with a fist pump like the audience of an Encino Hall show from the 1990s.

“SILENCE!!!”

“Okay, you know the rules of a debate – nothing below the belt, no eye gouging, and certainly no tea-bagging. I want a good clean fight. Let’s get it on! The first question tonight will be directed to Master Chief. Master Chief, what is your stance on gay marriage?”

“But I thought the question was suppose to be on popularity?”

“I’m the moderator here. I ask the damn questions, not you. Now answer the damn question!!”

“Uh…gay marriage…well, I believe gays have the right to marry. I also believe that marriage should be between a man and a woman. I guess I believe in both values at the same time…”

The crickets chirped as the room grew completely silent.

“Well, that was the most boring answer I have ever heard. My personal favoritism and respect for you has gone down by 10 percentage points. Shame on you! Mario, a different question, why are you more popular than Master Chief and the Halo franchise?”

“Hey, that’s not fair…” Master Chief tried to intervene, but was immediately overtaken by Kratos’s middle finger.

“Mario, you may begin…”

“Why zank-you Kratos. I like to zank zee everyone here in Denver, Colorado. I want to apologize to my squeeze Peach for not celebrating our 20th anniversary in the Mushroom Kingdom. Peach, if you’z listening, I promise to make it up tonight in zee bedroom. As for Big Bird, he’s my American idol. Yiiiiiiipeeee!!”

“Damn Mario, you sound like you’re on acid there. Is Mickey Mouse your cousin cause you sound a lot like him? You know what, never mind. Master Chief, a ten second rebuttal.”

“He didn’t even answer the question and he’s reading off of his note-cards. That’s cheating. I came here tonight to argue the facts that my Halo franchise has sold well over 500 million copies worldwide and…”

Kratos interrupted Master Chief’s rebuttal immediately.

“Chief, please, don’t get your panties in a bunch. Your time is up by the way. Next question! It goes to Mario. Mario, the video game crash of 1983 has caused a ripple effect in the video game industry. Experts have stated that there was no real future left for video games until you and Nintendo have proven those pansies wrong. Do you agree? I ask because I’m a huge fan of your video games. I’ve been a fan since I was five. Please answer in the form of a yes or no response.”

Mario stared relentlessly at Master Chief. He could not take his eyes off him.

“Uh Mario?”

“Well, Mario is currently distracted at the moment and…oh… well folks! We are running out of time. PBS funding has been cut by some douchebag politician and we have to cut our programming short tonight. Quickly, you two say your conclusion statements. Master Chief, go first please.”

“Well Kratos, what can I say? In a country that has housing foreclosed faster than MC Hammer’s bank account and the fact that if Abraham Lincoln were living in this America today, he would have his log cabin foreclosed just because…”

“Sorry Chief, you suck! Mario would you like to…where the hell did he go? Oh there he is, on top of Master Chief’s podium apparently putting some kind of Bowser spell…well, I feel sorry for the politician tomorrow that has to stand at that podium and suffer its wrath. As far as the winner tonight goes, we’ll leave it to the replacement referees from the National Football League to decide the outcome. Replacement Refs!!”

A group of three replacement referees quickly ran out from the back.

“As we were reviewing the replay, Master Chief intentionally grabbed Mario’s jersey and we had to flag him for pass interference. It resulted in a 20 yard penalty; therefore, we spotted the ball at the touchdown line from the 15 and gave Mario the game winning touchdown as time expired.”

“There you have it folks! I’m Kratos reporting from PBS, no longer home of Big Bird as he was another victim of foreclosure. Everyone watching out there, tonight’s debate is one of three to determine who the populist is in the video game industry today. Tonight’s winner is clearly Mario as decided by the replacement referees. Those who question the ref’s decision will result in a tax increase, job lost, and a $20,000 fine. I’m Kratos, stay classy San Diego! Where the fuck is my check?!! You guys said that I would get paid for this bull...oh, we're still on? Sorry...”