Matty's Room

I was in the parent’s lounge of U Bounce Around, in one of those nice leather chairs they have for parents who bring someone to watch their kids or whose kids are old enough (or sometimes not) to run around unsupervised at an indoor playground. “Can I have a slushy?” asked one of the kids I transported to this madhouse for the afternoon. I didn't hear her at first above the sound of the multitude of so screaming kids whose parents picked the same afternoon to go there as we did. Obviously I wan't the only one who thought it was too hot to play outside. I briefly took my eyes away from my laptop to hand her some money. “Sure,” I told her.

I turned my head again to where she was standing and realized she had a full view of the screen. Since she can’t read yet, I wasn't too worried, but the 12-yr-old mother’s helper I brought along to watch the kids could read. Kids are curious, that’s how they learn, but today was not my day to be the teacher. As I was about to angle the screen toward the other direction, another mom sat down on the huge faux leather chair next to the coffee table on my left. But she caught my eye and smiled. “It’s crazy here today, isn't it?"

“Oh, I know,” was all I could get out. Usually I would have taken what she said and ran with it so I would have someone to talk to while the kids played; but not today. I smiled back, and continued to prepare myself.

So I kept my computer angled to the right and put my computer case between me and the chair’s arm as a kind of blinder for when the kids sneaked up behind me.

Once I finished repositioning myself, I noticed my shoulders were up around my ears. I realized I hadn't taken a breath in a while and took a cleansing breath to release some of the tension. I assumed the “whoosh” coming from me made my neighbor mommy look at me, but I had kept my eyes closed as I enjoyed the release.

When I opened my eyes, the green dot next to his name was on. This was only the second time I used Mark Zuckerberg’s genius to “chat” with someone. I stared at the green dot staring back at me from Facebook.

Him: Hey there.

Me: Hey.

Okay, so far nothing for me to worry about.

Him: I remember the first time I saw you…

Me: What do you remember?

Him: Your smile. I’ll never forget your smile. I also remember thinking I just met the beautiful girl I’ve ever seen

Okay, maybe I should start worrying. I didn't think any guy in college thought that about me. Not that I was homely, I wasn’t. I had a weight issue, and a lot of college guys can’t get past that, at least not when they’re sober. Also, I had no sense of style, but then again, it was the early 80s and that decade had no real sense of style to speak of anyway. And I talked too much.

Me: Yeah, all 150 lb. of me.

Him: Every ounce. I fell for you the first time we met. I fell hard

Me: Wow. Even before that party in Matty’s room?

I was pretty sure he knew what I meant.

Him: LOL! Didn't you notice me walking by your room a thousand times?

Me: No. I really didn't. Wow.

Him: You remember the party in Matty’s room?

Me: Yes, very clearly.

Him: Ok, what movie did we talk about?

Me: Taxi Driver. You told me that movie made you think about film school, but film school “wasn’t practical.” I even remember you rolling your eyes. So you went into business. The 80s. LOL! All about greed, not art.

Him: OMG. I didn't think anyone else had a good a memory as me. LOL! No one else had seen it so they left. It was just us.

I closed my eyes for a moment and I could clearly see the pub-sized table we were sitting at. I could see the other friends walking away when it became a two-way conversation. I could feel his foot rub up against mine and slowly make its way up and down my calf.  “Take a breath,” I said to myself, and, “whoosh.” Again, I kept my eyes glued to the screen, so I don’t know if it was loud enough for my neighbor mommy to hear. My brain started to piece my thoughts back together as my cleansing breath released a little of the tension building inside me.

Me: What do you remember about that night?

Him: I remember the footsy. Electricity surging. Felt like I stuck my finger in a socket. When I looked into your eyes it was like no one else was in the room…

Me: You know I felt the same way, don’t you? Then I tried a “test” and touched your hand

It was as though I was still in Matty’s room. I felt my finger lightly stroke his hand; I felt every hair on my body stand on end. My stomach tightened. My shoulders headed toward my ears.

Him: OMG! I was just going to say that. It was my right hand. I never felt a bolt of electricity like that before, or since…

Me: Same here...

“Breathe,” I told myself, as I felt the thoughts in my head start to fly around again inside my spinning head.

Him: I can still feel it after all of these years. I was in awe. I never had that kind of chemistry with anyone else in my life. My heart was pounding and my head was spinning…

Me: That was the alcohol LOL!

Him: No, it wasn't

“Mommy!” I looked around. I wasn't in Matty’s room anymore playing footsy; I saw children, not a 19-year-old man-child intensely staring into my eyes. “Mommy I have to go to the bathroom!” My daughter’s angelic face looking at me while her head jerked toward the end of the room where the bathrooms were. She knew the rule: never go to the bathroom alone in a public place. I wanted to tell her to ask the mommy’s helper, but I knew this was my job. I also welcomed the break.

Me: I’ll be back. I wish I could do my Arnold Schwarzenegger impression on that line…

Him: LOL! I’ll miss u

“Yeah, right,” I said under my breath. But the truth was I felt the same way. Wondering if my mommy neighbor noticed my squirming, or how hard I was typing or the loud “whooshes” that emanated from me every time I remembered to breathe, I shut my laptop. I knew I would want to reread those words before deleting them into a cyberspace black hole, but I didn't want my neighbor to read them too.

“Wash your hands,” I told my daughter, while my fingers drummed quickly on the sink counter and I leaned on one foot, then the other, then I tapped my foot quickly on tile floor. “Okay, go play.”

The nervous movements stopped and I looked in the mirror. I didn't think I looked 45. I never smoked, and used every product touting to make me look younger. Also since I exercised every day and with four kids, I barely had time to eat, I weighed 40 pounds less than I did the night we were talking about.

Me: I’m back.

Him: I was right.

Me: About what?

Him: I missed you.

I rolled my eyes. But truth is… Oh well, “you can’t handle the truth,” I told myself, and for once in my life I didn't know what to say next.

Him: While you were gone at looked at your photos Again. Still the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.

Me: You don’t get out much, do you?

Him: You can still make me smile too. I remember something else about that night.

Me: I remember I left the party and went to my room. You followed.

Him: I was kinda hoping we’d make love. Plus I was terrified we would.

Me: But we didn't. Not that night.

Him: But it was still a special night. So was the night when we finally did… You were my first, you know.

Me: You told me that back then. I wanted to be your only while we were together, but I knew better than that.

Him: For the next 5 yrs you WERE.  NEVER anyone else. That wasn't the problem

Me: Why did you make me believe that then??!! What WAS our problem????

Him: Me. My immaturity, my selfishness. I didn't know how to be in love. So I wanted you to think that instead of the truth.

Me: I didn’t think you were in love me. The only time you ever said it was in your “please take me back” letters.

Him: I did love you. Completely. Massively. I still do. I've never been able to stop.

Me: OMG! That’s a little dramatic don’t you think? It’s been 20 years!!!! That doesn't make sense..

Him: Since when does love make sense?

Me: Since when did this turn into a Lifetime Movie?

We were both silent for a few minutes. Yes I was nervous when we agreed to chat, but I didn't allow myself to think about what direction it would go in. I had hated him up to and including the day he sent me a friend request. But his apology when I alluded to my birthday was heartfelt. This was our first “chat” but we messaged back and forth a few times. “I was selfish. I hate that I hurt someone I loved so deeply,” he wrote to me, when I brought up my birthday in one of about a dozen messages we sent the day I accepted his friend request. In one message he said he had been sober for five years, and I was collateral damage of the time when he wasn't. That didn't surprise me in the least. But now that we were having this little tête-à-tête I wanted specifics.

Me: Where were you on my birthday?

Him: In a bar about five miles from my apartment.

Me: Did you realize that was the second time in two weeks I drove two hours to be with you? Did you ever intend to be at your apartment? Or did you get what you wanted the week before!

Him: Yes, I intended to be there

I could feel my face turn red as I—figuratively speaking--felt the blood in my body start to boil.

Me: You promised you’d stop the hot and cold act.

Him: One drink turned into 20. I've never understood how someone could have just one drink. I could never have one drink. You don’t know how much I regret hurting someone I loved so deeply, someone I did—and do—consider my soul mate.

As the sensation of being hit with a baseball bat came over me, my phone rang. The ring tone was a screaming boy, saying “Pick up your phone! Someone’s calling you!” It was my son. He was spending the summer between his sophomore and junior years in college with a friend and working for the friend’s family business, but he called every day. There was no way I could talk to him at that moment; no way could I see his picture come up on my phone. I didn't want to see his father’s eyes.

Him: I know I was a coward for not returning your calls. OMG. I wanted you then. I've wanted you for the past 20 years. I still want you now

Me: I’m married!

Him: I know

My daughter tapped me on the shoulder. I saw her father’s eyes staring back at me. “Can I have a slushy too?”

I stared at her for a long time as I thought of her father, who has loved me completely for me for the past 18 years. “Please?” she said obviously thinking that’s what I was waiting for.

“Excuse me,” my mother’s helper said before I could get my eyes back to the laptop. You told my mom we’d be home by 4, and it’s almost 4 now.”

“Great,” I thought, “a slushy in the car.”

Me: I have to go.

Him: Can we do this again?

Me: I have to think about it

Him: One question before you go…Your son, the oldest. I saw pictures of him on your page. How old is he??

Me: 18

I lied.

Him: Oh. He’s so much blonder than your other children.

Me: Yes, I’m glad one child favors me.

Him: His eyes…

Me: I have to go.

I could barely move.

Him: Can we pleeeeasssse do this again?

I logged out of Facebook and shut down the laptop.

“Could you help everyone get their shoes on?” I asked the mother’s helper. I bought my daughter her slushy. “Mommy, I love you,” she said when I handed it to her. “I love you too, my angel,” I told her, fighting the urge to cry.

On the drive home I wondered, would I do this again? Do I want to take another walk down memory lane? Did I want him asking more questions about my family, about my son? I remembered a line from a sitcom when a teenage daughter said, “I thought adults only went on Facebook to spy on their kids or to look for affairs.” I remember a morning news show calling Facebook “the marriage killer.”

I was a stay-at-home mom driving a mini-van home to make dinner, clean up after dinner, give baths, and make my list for tomorrow – which was going to be similar to the list I made last night. Then I remembered the last thing he said, Can we pleeeeasssse do this again?

As I pulled into my driveway, I realized I honestly didn't know the answer.