WYRM Challenge 3 Review

The story is fairly short so I think it is practical to read and review it paragraph by paragraph. As I read I'll tell you what I am feeling. I'll tell you what I'm expecting as a reader. I'll tell you what I'm getting out of the story, and I'll make miscellaneous comments as required. After going through the paragraphs, I'll talk about the story as a whole.

Paragraph 1:

As a reader, I to need to know whose skin I'm in, where I am, and what's going on. What did the author tell me? I'm a hunter, with some buddies, on a hunting barge on an alien planet. Excellent .

I have a minor issue with the use of the word " in " instead of "on" when talking about the 8 foot wall. It threw me out of the story a bit.

Paragraph 2:

The next thing I need to know is what I'm fighting for or against. This paragraph introduces an alien gamekeeper who doesn't like humans. Is this guy going to cause me trouble? Is he the villain of the piece? Too early to tell. I'm feeling calm.

I think the description is a bit weak. Doughy and greenish makes me think of play-dough. I also dislike the golf-ball comparison . I don't see golf surviving the time and distance required to make it to the Frontier Colonies.

Paragraph 3:

This paragraph tells me a little bit more about the gamekeeper Larry and emphasizes he is alien by focusing on the translator device on his neck. Two paragraphs devoted to Larry tells me he is important. Is he the antagonist? Probably. I still don't feel any tension.

Good use of vivid verbs to describe the sound of the device.

Paragraph 4:

Story wise, I learn that a rogbeest was shot by Gordon earlier.

There's a bit of telling here. The author missed an opportunity to make me blend with the character. Make me feel being tired by talking about how my muscles ache, etc.

Paragraph 5:

I'm jealous of the kill. And so is Aaron. There's the suggestion that Gordon is depending on this kill for food, as opposed for sport. Still feeling relaxed.

Paragraph 6:

I am in a technologically sophisticated vehicle moving over the preserve.

The description of the scenery makes me think of earth. I think the author missed an opportunity here to reinforce that this is an alien planet with alien rules. Tell me the grass is purple or something to that effect.

Paragraph 7:

I learn that Aaron has a solemn look on his face and that the boys have alcohol in their system. Eep! Alcohol and firearms. Something bad is going to happen here. I'm feeling my first sense of tension.

Paragraph 8:

Aaron's worked up. But at Gordon, not at me. I'm a little confused. Should I feel nervous that Aaron's upset, under the influence, and has a gun? Probably not. He seems upset with Gordon, not with me.

Paragraph 9:

Gordon's taking it pretty lighthearted. I'm relaxing a little bit. I don't think there's any trouble.

Paragraph 10:

Looks like Aaron's going to take some action. He's working that firearm pretty hard. Any danger he could shoot me or Gordon? No, I don't think so. No problem here. I'm relaxed.

Paragraph 11

We learn the targets are in sight.

Paragraph 12

I've got a clear shot at a rogboar.

Paragraph 13:

Whoa! Who the heck is running around on a hunting preserve? I don't really feel any tension though. Mostly I feel lucky I didn't accidently pull the trigger.

I would cut the "hadn't been expecting"

Excellent unexpected plot twist. I was really surprised.

Paragraph 14:

I hear a gunshot. I see the man dropped. As a reader I am mostly feeling relief that I'm not the one that shot him. I feel kind of bad that he's dead

I'd drop the heard and saw and simply say, ' A gunshot rang out. The man dropped.'

Paragraph 15:

I learn that Aaron was the one who shot the man.

Paragraph 16:

I learn that the body is being recovered and is being treated by the game keepers as if it was just another animal that has been killed. .

Paragraph 17:

We learn that Aaron is really worked up. Did I make a mistake here? This story seems to be about what's happening to Aaron, not what's happening to me. Is Aaron the focal character?

Paragraph 18:

I learn that I feel bad and Gordon's worried. And apparently there's a rule. Does this rule apply to me? Should I be worried? I don't feel any worry or tension.

Paragraph 19:

Looks like Aaron's going to have to eat the body. HUH? That doesn't make any sense. I'm from off planet. Even if I presumably return home with the meat I have killed, who is going to make me eat the kill? How do the Rogmauthanians enforce this rule?

It would be better if the author had introduced the idea that there was a mandatory celebration after the kill that including eating the game.


Well, that's the end of the story. What's are my thoughts?

Did I enjoy the piece? Yes.

I thought it was humorous and made an interesting point. The positioning of trivial rules against our greatest rule (don't eat each other) shows how ridiculous it is to follow rules blindly.

I thought it was clever to have Larry be the one to suggest that rule 88 must be obeyed. It wasn't stated in the story, but almost certainly there is a no smoking rule on the barge. Larry clearly doesn't care about rules because he was smoking a cigar at the railing early in the piece.But he'll try and enforce a rule that sticks it to humans.

So, yeah, I liked it. But I'm not sure it was a story. It seems more like a cartoon in words. If that was the authors intention then he has succeeded. But if it was meant as a story then I'm not so sure.

Why do I say this?

Well, first of all I'm feeling a little cheated. The focal character of the story is really not the narrator, but Aaron. Aaron is the guy that's in trouble. Worse, he gets jammed up at the end of the story and he doesn't have the opportunity to get out of the jam.

Now, obviously there are stories in which the . focal character is not the narrator. The stories of Sherlock Holmes come to mind. Watson tells us what happens, and we are never inside the mind of Sherlock Holmes. But the stories work because we want to be Sherlock Holmes. We envy his deductive abilities and we try to solve the mystery along with him.

I don't envy Aaron. In fact I don't know anything about Aaron. That's a problem. I want a story about a hero, not a victim. Looks to me like fates dealt Aaron a rough hand. He's got a heap of trouble. Too bad the story didn't start where it ended. Perhaps I could've gotten to know Aaron better and journeyed in his shoes along with him while he proved if he deserved to overcome that hand or not.

I'm not sure that anybody can really define a story, and certainly, there's no such thing as a universal story that appeals to every person. But there are common elements to a story that increase its chance to succeed.

Some writing books refer to it as the LOCK system. A likable character, with an objective, in conflict, with a knockout at the end. Other books suggests that before you write a story you put it in the form of the starting lineup. Two sentences that consist of a situation, a character, an objective, an opponent, and a disaster.

Here's an example taken from the book 'Techniques of the Selling Writer' by Dwight Swain.

'Lonely, frustrated and tired of living in a home where she's treated as an unpaid servant, widowed Irene Boone wants to marry widower Frank Thomas.

Will she lose this chance for happiness because her selfish, sanctimonious daughter, Connie, accuses her of immorality?'

I'll have a go at the starting lineup for Rule 88

When three friends embark on a hunting trip in an alien game preserve, unnamed narrator wants blank

Will unnamed narrator get blank when unnamed opposition does blank.

Can you see the problem? Perhaps you can fill in those blanks. If so, please e-mail me. I'm in this game to learn, not to criticize. I have no issues if I'm completely wrong on this.

You'll notice as I was going through the story paragraph by paragraph I tried to spell out if I was relaxed or tense. Here is the reason.

Why do readers read? What is the source of story satisfaction?

The answer that makes sense to me is tension. Tension is a survival mechanism, we instinctively seek it out. It keeps us sharp, ready to deal with the constant threats and dangers that we face every day. Disagree? Try daydreaming while driving through a city street filled with traffic lights.

Stories are one of the best ways to experience tension. Sure you can watch football, and many people do, but a story ( for me) is much more satisfying.

We get to worry, fear, and experience all of the emotions necessary to keep us fit to survive without any of the dangers. Real skydiving can lead to real death. Driving at thrilling velocities can put us into the hospital. A real affair can turn ugly with the injured spouse loading up the shotgun. It's a lot less hazardous to experience our thrills through reading than through actual experience. All the same emotions, none of the hazards.

That's why I tried to spell out when I was feeling relaxed or tense throughout the piece.

So I guess I'm making the argument that the job of the writer is to use a focal character as a vehicle to invoke the readers feelings and match each emotion of the character in a blow-by-blow manner. All the while building tension at the same time.

Does Rule 88 do this?

Not really.

So, what's my conclusion?

I think the piece has excellent potential to be a story. If I was the author, I would tell the story from the viewpoint of Aaron. I would treat the story as written so far as the first scene of a longer story. I think Aaron has an interesting problem. As a reader I would like to know how he gets out of his predicament.