In my search for the real, I had somehow lost myself.
|It pains more to those people who are too careless to describe to themselves what they want in life. I am one of them. I don’t want to be. But I can’t help being one of them.
People around me have always been hypocritical. So I made myself hypocritical. Now I realize that never helped. That had always worsened the situations. I lost whatever little that was left of me. God can be cruel at times. He sits there watching you from some corner, every time you try to make a decision. He has watched me all this time and he is watching me now. Right now, when I sit here, against my will and sense, making my best effort to let go of what has always been useless to me and brought me pain. I had never lived a life which was focused. My dream life. I had never lived life surrounded by people whom I liked. I had never lived a contented life. I don’t think it’s my mistake. How can it be? I don’t care if it is. I gave everything the best I could. So in that case, I’m not regretting because of me. I am regretting because of the people who were too confused in their own lives to notice me.
I decide not to care about them but I still do. What does that describe me as? I don’t know. But I sure want to know if someone could explain that to me. I look at God for answer but he is still smiling back to me. So I cry my heart out at times. I have no one except me and I can’t handle myself. Wow… what a life. People have it too. I wonder how they live. Does everyone cries like me? Then why don’t they let go of their walls when I shed mine? If everyone is living a life like mine then why aren't they like me? God still smiles at me.
I had so started making a world of my own and living in my imagination. Until now, my bonds were too strong to be broken. Now I realize it was all about running away. No one from my mind replied when I cried today. No one came to me to help. I had to step ahead to save me from destroying myself. I forced me not to cry, took a breath and went to sleep. I am frustrated now. All what I dreamed about, the stories I created and everything else is true but not still quite mine. I cannot imagine something or someone and expect it to become true. That’s as unfair as Indian justice. But it happens right? So sometimes, I wonder why my imagination can’t turn true. But then again I remember, God has this habit of applying the most ideal conditions on me and nobody else.
I’m sorry God. I know I had made my mistakes. This story that you wrote for me I swear I will never forget. I had my good time. That is why it’s paining so hard right now. I had wonderful people in my head that made me smile all day; I lived their life as my own. It felt so good. Awesome, in fact. The best feeling I had until now. I lost it purposely in my way because I realized it was not true. You made me realize. But that was the only thing I ever believed in and you made me lose it. So, here I stand praying to you that when I close this chapter of my life, I need you to give me a new reason to believe in which is worthwhile and true.
I still have a few people who make me smile and give me reason to continue living. Maybe my reason will come from there. I have no idea. It’s your duty. You will help me with this and I promise you I will continue giving my best.