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Rated: 13+ · Essay · Cultural · #2043446
Missteps of a lifetime are ganging up on me.
I've heard said that doctors can't really tell how much pain you have from back problems. I've had a pain management doctor for over fifteen years. I've received epidural steroid injections for many years. In the beginning I saw back surgeon. Of course, he pointed to x-rays and visually indicated what was wrong with my back and what it would take to relieve my pain. I've heard tell that some back surgeries leave you worse off, rather than better. But after my last steoid injection in the lower back, my pain management doctor indicated it is really the now time to go ahead with the surgery.

The pain doctor always asks patient to designate their pain on a scale of 1 to 10. I've been a 7 as long as I can remember. I've been on one pain medication since 2001. A couple of years ago my pain doctor added a pain patch. Until recently, I've managed to live my life pretty normally--though some days I recline from dawn to dusk and beyond.

Twice in the last couple of months, I ran out of either the pain patch or the pill. Just one med barely eases pain. Tonight I have only my pain patch, I am reclined, and my back hurts like hell. The lower half of my spine feels like some kind of pain rock. My back hurts when I move, and my back hurts when I don'y move.

Pain management has been so successful that at times I moved like a young person, with no pain consequences. That kind of activity made me forget I had a back problem. And I did my best, every since day, to keep my back medicated for pain.

I don't know if I'm in more misery about my back, as I am my surroundings. I had a housekeeper until a year ago. I make efforts at cleaning and picking up life junk, but it's a losing battle. It hurts to stand to cook, and putting dishes in the dishwasher uses more back mucles than you would think. I have an especially easy vacuum cleaner to push. First, I have to work up to the effort in my head. When I have enough intestinal fortitude, I turn it on and push and pull. After 10 or 12 minutes, my back is finished, but the vacuuming is not. Washing, drying, and putting up clothes all require spine and back movement. It hurts. I procrastinate until I'm out of clothes, and I have a lot of clothes.

I look around, hating the mess, clutter, and outside dog dirt come in to live. It hurts to lay here. As much as I hate it, I am incapable of doing anything about it.

I turned 60 this year. I have cataracts that need surgey before I can read "regular" print again. I have four teeth that are ready to check out, but I have a very good dentist battling the issues. And there's my aching back. When people grumble about growing old, it's the maladies we set up for ourselves that make us fault age.

I'm glad I live in a time that these physical problems can be addressed, and pretty much fixed. Knowing the odds, I'm ready for back surgery, and I pray that God has things work out for the best. He always does; it's our perceptions we have to work on. I need to perceive something other than back pin, then I'll be a happy 60 year old again.
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