Accountability

Accountability  (13+) A Contest Entry #2110911 by Chris Breva

956 words

The prompt for the paid members only contest that I'm entering is "If you fell down yesterday, stand up today." -- H.G. Wells"

I can definitely relate to this one. In fact I spent most of my life in the fallen position due to a dual diagnosis. I was mentally ill due to bi-polar I disorder and then became addicted to the medications used to treat my illness. I was lost in active addiction for over 35 years. Believe me when I say it's like a living death. I don't know how many times I went to sleep praying I wouldn't wake up and woke up angry to face another day. I became a chameleon and did whatever anybody wanted me to do as long as it didn't require me to take responsibility for my own life. I always wanted somebody to fix me and didn't realize that the somebody who had to do the legwork was me. I wanted a fairytale life where I'd be tapped on the shoulder with a magic wand and after that anything that I wanted to give a special touch would turn to gold. As it was everything I touched turned to disaster and chaos. That was because disaster and chaos followed me everywhere I went.

I had plenty of opportunities in my life. I just didn't capitalize on them or squandered them away. I did manage to put together a substantial period of clean time at one point. It came about after some particularly stressful circumstances. My wife had gone to jail for some illegal activities she had engaged in without my knowledge to try and make ends meet. So I was left at home by myself. I had gone out hunting because it was one activity I actually did enjoy. I was in no shape to be walking through the woods and certainly not to be doing so while carrying a loaded shotgun. I was walking along or rather staggering along and tripped. My momentum was downhill and there was nothing to grab hold of. I went over a ledge, landing on my side with the stock of the shotgun jammed into my ribcage. The result was several broken ribs. I managed to get back to my car, cursing myself for not having the courage to use the shotgun for more than hunting. I went home and did the best I could to find that now elusive place known as oblivion. No amount of medication or anything would help me obtain that any more. I became more lethargic as the night pressed on. I felt like I was going to explode. I knew that if I didn't get some help quickly something drastic would happen. So I picked up the phone and dialed 0 for the operator. In my condition I couldn't remember that the number for 911 was 9-1-1. The call to the operator that night saved my life. The operator patiently listened as I whined and cried to her. Then she told me she knew exactly what I was going through because she too was an addict, except she had found a way out. For the next four and a half years I did great. I earned an associate degree and began working on a bachelors degree. Then it all fell apart when I relapsed for several years. I stayed out quite a while thinking that it was hopeless but at the same time knowing better. I had tasted recovery and knew it was possible. One day as I stood looking in the mirror I realized that I was seeing a mirror image of my real problem. Nobody was going to fix me. I would have to fix myself. I had fallen yesterday but I wasn't living in yesterday. I was alive today. The only moment I had was now. What I decided to do with it would affect all of my tomorrows.

That was in January of 2009. On February 9, 2009 I entered treatment and have not had to use any mind altering substance since. Yes I have to take medication for my mood disorder. If I do not take it I will screw up the chemical balance in my own brain and quite possibly all bets will be off. However I do not have to live the way I once did. I am not always happy today but I have a modicum of serenity. I have come to find that acceptance is my solution today. There are many times when I wonder if I can bear a situation. During my recovery I have buried my wife, my dad, and my mom all within a 13 month period. Was it easy? Absolutely not! However I did so without losing my mind and without relapsing. I know today that it took everything I ever went through to make me into who I am today. I still don't have a whole lot as far as material wealth is concerned but I like who I am today. I feel I owe it all to God who has been my fortress in life's stormy seas. God is a very important part of my life today because I can look back on my life and see situations that even experts say I should never have survived. Yet I pulled through them unscathed. I know there are some who are reading this who are atheists. Believe me if you knew all the details of my life you would join me in praising God. I'd be happy to share them with anybody who wants to know. So I agree with H. G. Wells. "If you fell down yesterday, stand up today".