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Life's a roller coaster ride, but mine isn't even going like one. |
Okayā¦ So, I donāt know if youāll read it or no but things have been pretty rough lately. Iām so used to not showing what Iām into that sometimes I actually get scared. What if I never get to know when Iām actually happy or when am I actually sad. Everything is so weird and confusing andā¦.. I donāt know. I now a days donāt even know what Iām thinking about but the scenario I witnessed will always haunt me, dramatically. So he came over a few weeks agoā¦ā¦ I met him on my way down stairs and he handed me food (I come from a middle class family and I certainly know what value food holds, I wouldnāt never throw it. Would rather give it to the dogs or cats insteadā¦.) I didnāt say no to it but I took it after refusing countless times and he said āI didnāt eat, I saved it for you, donāt refuse.ā I took it, said thanks and went to the van. Day went byā¦.. I got home by 6pm. I kept the food in the fridge which he had given, I said to myself āIāll have it with Thaisonā We say Prayers at 7pm in my house. Mom, me and Dad and Thaison ofcourse. There was a knock at the door; I left the Prayers and I went to see who that was, tāwas Morris. He said Iām here to pick up my things I told him come inside, my parents were saying Prayers and I took him in the other room. Handed him his things, my dog was with meā¦ā¦ I opened the fridge, I handed him the food he had bought me in the morning and I told him āyou eat it at work, Iām on a diet so I couldnāt. Iām sorryā He got pissed. He approached again for a chance, āI need a chance I swear everything will be like before and this time better than beforeā I refused I said āNo, Iām goodā, he started slapping himself really bad, it was an insane view. I wouldnāt ever forgive myself for what I saw because it was cause of meā¦ā¦.. He took the food & He threw it awayā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦ That time I went blank cause I would never ever think about throwing food like this, I mean we earn for Food. Why would you evenā¦. I told him to leave without saying a wordā¦ā¦ā¦... He left. Well, he hitting himself was very scaryā¦ā¦ā¦ He punched his fist on the wall countless times, he slapped himself countless times and man, it was all cause of meā¦ā¦ā¦ He apologized for throwing the food out that nightā¦.. But I honestly didnāt like it. I harmed myself that day, until today I harm myself everydayā¦ā¦ā¦. Iāve never cried this hard not even when someone so close to me died but that day, that night, I actually cried. I thought I would go mad, I guess I did lose it though, I felt the anxiety, that blood rush, that warmth when everything is wrong. I wanted to kill myself that nightā¦ā¦. I almost, almost did. I have marks over my hands, I was to jump off my balcony. I in fact even sat there on the grill. But it was too dark and scaryā¦ā¦ If only I would had slipped I wouldnāt have been writing this useless piece of crap. Heās been messaging me for a chance, for a new beginning. But now, I donāt even know if Iāll ever feel loved again. Like ever. I donāt even know what love is anymore. I liked a guy, he played me. He knew I liked him. I liked another guy, he played me. He never knew I liked him I like someone else but Iām never going to let him play meā¦ā¦..Cause he wonāt ever know that I like him, neither would anyone. All this isnāt even stressing me out. The main that is stressing me out is something way different than whatever written. My Father Being the only child I think, he thinks Iāve completed destroyed myself. I am stubborn, I back answer, I have mood swings, I have my tantrums, I waste a lot of money over shoes, clothes, tattoos, piercings, animals, food! I waste a lot of money over People. I donāt even know how to explainā¦ā¦ā¦. Iām 26, not settled, donāt have a boyfriend, the guy Iām looking at doesnāt even know I exist, the other guy I think shall be worth it, is not willing to get into a relationship, I guess, Iām not too sure but I obviously donāt want to ask around. Not really interested but heās a gem, Iām sure. My cousin is getting married in January, my other cousin is getting engaged in January and my family is landing down from Bahrain, Canada, America, Dubai & Kuwait for these two things. My dad had things planned for me too cause even my family when they had come 2 years ago asked me āwhen is your stuff happening, weāre coming down in 2020. Please get things done, itāll be fun we all are going to be hereā & I swear if nothing works out and just for people not to question my dad I would do anything in this world cause I know if people question him, itāll definitely hurt and I canāt see that. In that case, Iāll just go ahead with what doesnāt even make me happy, an arrange engagement with just anyone. If not, I wonāt let myself turn 27 ļ You better read the entire thing okay, itās 951 words long. Never knew I could write or fall in love with writing. |