Almost Perfect

I sit here alone in front of this computer screen pondering what he meant when he said that I could have had such potential. I think I’m perfectly capable of having that potential right now. What difference does it make if I could have or I do have it. I hate how he confuses me so much. I think I’m in love, for the first time, if this what love is. Maybe it’s more of an infatuation, I’m not sure exactly. This thing that I fear may be love began many months ago when I met this guy while playing a childish computer game. The name of the game was inklink and I was a big-shot when it came to playing it. I thought I knew it all, thought I knew all the answers. Life was so much more simple back then. I never had to worry about love or getting my feelings hurt by some unsuspecting patron of this game. I was the one to hurt the feelings of my rivals. I would casually joke and make small talk, all of this in exchange for some companionship. For some reason I caught this guy’s attention and he asked me for my aol screen name. I think something about him also caught my attention.


I’m not exactly sure what was so special about this particular guy; I guess he was just different from most guys. We clicked almost instantly; he had a way of making me laugh and a way of making me think on a more intellectual level. I think after time, I fell for him. I’m not exactly sure how this could happen, I barely knew the guy. Well one thing is for sure, I never met the guy. I don’t think we will ever end up meeting, but even if we never do, I feel like I now know him better than any other guy. I know more about him now than I’ve ever known about any of my friends. We’ve told each other our deepest secrets, our hopes, our fears. I hate how I like him so much, I’ve never felt this way about any guy. I’ve never felt anything for my first boyfriend or the total stranger I made out with one crazy night. I’ve never thought about them so much. This one guy has some kind of weird effect on me. He clouds my mind, sometimes I can’t even think straight.


Why do I have to fall for the one person I can never have? Why does love have to be so difficult, so impossible? Why do I have to have such strong feelings for him, I like him a lot, more than a lot. I love him and I’ve told him this much, but I fear he doesn’t take any of it seriously. I think he believes I’m casually joking or he just casually jokes back with a reply about how he loves me. His love is different than mine, though. He loves me as a friend, nothing more, nothing less. I wish he could feel for me what I feel for him. I know he is right when he says that nothing will ever come of this. He is only right when he says we will never meet, never know each other any better than we already do. He knows that he can’t love someone he can’t see, someone he can’t hold, someone he can’t talk to. He can only be my friend, a good friend. At one point he admitted that he also had feelings for me.


He told me I was perfect, that if he could have me he would. This was wonderful to me, it made me happy to know he felt something for me. It also made me cry, I knew he was right, that we would never meet in person. I really hate this feeling I have, I almost wish it would shrivel up and die. It hurts me inside to feel this way. I wish it didn’t have to be this way. I hate the hurt it brings, I hate the way I always want to think of this one guy. Why does he have to say one thing and then go and say something else?


He later changed his opinion of what perfect was to him. I was no longer perfect, I was almost perfect. I wish I could once again be this perfect specimen, this perfect girl but I can’t be her. I am who I am, and I know he may still love me for this. I wonder if his telling me that I am no longer perfect is his way of pushing me away or at least pushing his feelings aside. I wish he wouldn’t do this, I wish I understood him. He’s confusing, more confusing than some guys. I know what some guys want, I will never know what he wants and I hate that I don’t know.


I feel like I am somehow very much like this guy. It’s hard to explain but I am like him in many ways. We almost think exactly alike. The one thing that blocks our path is our tastes in music. I’m into way too much of the pop-type music. Why couldn’t I be a fan of music he likes? Why does music have to be such a big part of his life? That is my one flaw, I really wish I could change this. This is what keeps me from being perfect, in his eyes. I hate to know this, it hurts me even more. My heart is being torn apart by a guy that I’ve met online. How did I let this happen? Why do I have to be so open about my feelings? How did I get myself into this mess? I used to be more level-headed.


I wonder if I will ever be perfect in the eyes of any guy. I’m sure this will never happen. I really would like to know if I ever do fall in love again, if I’ll ever feel this way again. I feel my heart pound when I think of him. My breath shortens when I chat with him online. My head feels light when I dream of him. Why did I have to chose now of all times to fall in love?