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Some journal writing I have done to help me process some of my life choices!
Life seems to always find new ways to hit you with a low blow. It seems the moment you finally find the light at the end of the tunnel darkness covers you and again and it becomes unbearable to breath. 8 years of feeling like I am drowning and no way to get out is just to much to handle. The pressures of the world control your mind and soon you only feel the empty.The mask you wear gives the illusion of joy and happiness, but deep inside you feel a sea of nothingness. You start to try anything to just not feel. Life seems better when you can live it numb. I never really understood that until after the death of my mother. I lived that week in in a haze. I was the shoulder that everyone needed to lean on. I was just there. You could see me, I spoke, but I was really gone. I remember making many decisions without even really knowing what was going on. My dad shut down and my sister disappeared. It felt like it was just me. Like I carried all the weight on my shoulders and I do not really remember actually crying until the day they buried her. I remember being able to see the lining through the crack in the closed casket and just letting all my emotions go. I grabbed my sister and we just wept together and they said the closing remarks. People came over to pay their respects but I can not honestly remember anything because I was so focused on that piece of lining that was keeping me from my mom. My mom and I had a love hate relationship. I did not realize it at the time but I think the reason we fought so much was because in all reality we were alike. Both of us had a temper, and both had to have the last word in any argument. I remember yelling and screaming at her and more than once I did call her a bitch. She had said more than once to me, "I love you but I hate you." It was not that I did not care she died because I really did, it was the fact that I could not process it. I had to be the go to person at all times. I had to be the peace keeper. I really don't remember actually dealing with the situation until weeks later. How did I deal with it, you guessed it Alcohol! I drank until I could not feel anything. I remember sitting with my friends being so drunk laughing and having a great time. And then bam it hit me like a bolt of lighting. I just cracked. My friend Gary looks and me and said you lasted longer than I thought you would. Why don't you just talk it out. I remember crying and then I drank some more and was back to my happy go lucky self. It was nice to feel absolutely nothing. Being able to make my emotions even for a second disappear was so worth it. This is also the night I perfected projectile vomiting over a balcony. I could wear my mask during the day and I could drink my feelings away at night. It became a way of life. A way I could survive for the time being. I became a functioning alcoholic and it worked well in my opinion for many years.The more I did not have to face reality the easier things got until one day it was no longer able to numb the pain. I had to face reality sometime I guess. Coming off the booze was a hard time. It was a very easy rabbit hole to climb down. It took me realizing I needed help...that I needed to change in order to get my shit together. I joined a gym, changed my eating habits, got raid of some toxic people and started to love myself again. Life was starting to look up. I had taken time to do therapy and talk through my feelings and found better ways to handle life. I met someone and started dating. Things moved to fast. I do not believe I have ever done anything in a right order. Like my life my thought process is screwed. Looking back I now realize that the relationship was mostly physical.He did not really have much to offer. He was attractive, dominating, and hung. The fact that we had little in common I guess did not really matter to me at that time. For me it was the attraction and the game of pleasure. He was a smooth talker and when we did have conversations I could see he was not right for me but I liked the attention and the feeling of being wanted. I think we never made it more than 30 minutes into any date without ending up in bed. Clothes would be torn off, heavy breathing, lots of touching and heat, then a strong release. What 30 minutes and then it started again. Three months into this relationship go figure, I ended up pregnant. I was not on birth control and the condom we used one night broke. It was like an oh well moment. Can not do anything about it now. I can still remember the day I found out. It was Halloween weekend and I was spending time with Jodie and my little BB. It was the strangest thing, I keep getting nose bleeds at the weirdest times. I mean I get nose bleeds a lot but this was not normal for even me. So I picked up my handy dandy phone and texted my friend April, the nurse, and asked her to please diagnose me. We talked for a little while and she said I bet you are pregnant. Most the time when a woman with high blood pressure is pregnant she will get nose bleeds frequently. I know I am not stupid, I know how babies are made, but still of course I am going to say no fucking way, not possible, even through I know it is most likely true.So I went about my planned activities and did not think about it again until I had my next bloody nose situation. So I decided to amuse myself and went to Walgreens and bought 2 pregnancy test. I drove back to my friend Tyler's house and while my friends where all drinking and dancing at the Halloween party I was in the bathroom peeing on a stick. Magical I know right! I waited and when the timer when off I flipped it over on the counter and there staring at me was a bright pink plus sign. I can only remember thinking Fuck I can't drink! Priorities are high now! Pregnancy does funny things to your mind from the second you realize that it is real. Every emotion possible hits you like a ton of bricks and comes to the surface. Truth be told I always have wanted to have children and even if Chris, that was my boyfriend's name, did not want to do it with me I could do this. I went through everything in my mind in a way I thought was logically,but once again I used my screwed up thought process. Most sane people would wait a month or two before telling people about a baby but I guess I was overly excited because I told a lot of people. It is a strange and exciting time. You start to grow a bond with this little alien who is literally leeching the life out of you. You start to see things in a new light and picture life in stages. You finally start to adjust to being responsible for another life and Bam another cure ball is thrown from the universe with a low blow. Your body fells you yet again. Just like that your little peanut is no more. I have to say this was the second most painful experience in my life. Both physically and emotionally. Physically the pain was unbearable and lasted for 6 day. Lower back contractions, bleeding , clotting and you actually see the sac come out in one piece with the baby in it. Just like that it is all over and all you are left with is the memory and clean up. This pain is very different.It is a death, but it has a different affect. With this you did not actually know them. You did not have lasting memories or even a name. It was just a brief sparkle in a dark situation. So I dealt with it the only way I know how...Drink the pain away. Numbing pain is what I do best using Vodka, Soco, Amaretto, etc. Did not matter what it was it was going down my throat and just like that I was once again down the rabbit hole! It is always so inviting. It gives you a constant chance not to feel anything. The only problem is you do more stupid things when you can not feel. Thing that make sense at the time. I can not say I have never thought about suicide because that would be a lie. I think the reason I have not actually done it is because I am afraid of dying. It may sound stupid but death scares me to my core. This is all you know in life and in a blink of an eye you are just gone. With that being said I have been in that darkest place where I sat in the tub with the razor blade on my arm. I am very intelligent and know that you go down the river not across but as I pressed the blade down I just could not do it. I have been so drunk and depressed that I did swallow a bottle of pills but freaked out and forced my self to throw up multiple times. Dying would make the pain stop, it would keep me for ever feeling again, but I can not bring myself to do it. I just keep seeing the people that rely on me in my mind. Damn who do I have to be so loved. Why can't I just go ahead and pass myself away. Would it really matter? Then I just sit there playing the what if game in my mind. It is an evil game that does nothing but Fuck you up. No matter what way you put the pieces you will never change the result of what happens so why spend so much time torturing yourself. Oh yeah, you do it because emotions are a bitch! The lost feeling just gets bigger and it consumes you so you so whatever you can to try and cope. To be honest I am lucky I am still alive. I may not have a liver by the time I hit the age of 40 or my kidneys may fail by then but at least I will be doing it numb! It is very tiring being the strong person. Being constantly told, you will bounce back from this, just stay strong. Um-mm right...yeah so wrong! I do not bounce back I just continue to hide. That is what I am good at. I wear many mask. Sometimes I would just like to be able to break down completely to just ugly cry until I can not cry any longer. But sadly I can only ever remember that happening once in my life and if memory serves it involved lots of booze...Vodka to be exact my friend.Do you ever just want to disappear? That is my feeling daily! Being the strong one, the go to person, the understanding one, the fix it person, just really and truly sucks balls! I feel like I am always being watched and talked about by all that know me. Who knew the crazy one would be so great at fixing everyone else's problems but can not manage to face their own. I guess I have always managed better when I have projects to focus on, so other people's life have now become my projects. It gives me time out of my own head which I have to face it...it is a very scary and dark place 100% of the time. So many times I hear people say they would love to be a fly on the wall of my brain. Sadly you would be scared shitless if your were anywhere in there. Somedays I wonder how I actually function and then I realize duh Alisa it is called auto pilot. I just fly right through my daily life without every really dealing with it. I think that is why it is so easy to be a functioning alcoholic. I can manage to handle my day to day activities and never really miss a beat. Pain is a evil cycle, it is non stop. It may get easier over time but it never truly goes away. I have learned many things the hard way in the 9 years. If you could see and prepare yourself for the incoming blows in life it could be easier I guess but you can never really prepare because they hit you unseen.I truly believe after so many low blows life has hurled at me that it could be kind and give me a break. Really just please let me have some happiness in my life, but no I am back to staring at the Vodka bottle trying to decide if can truly survive another round down the rabbit hole. I am back to the same place I was in 2017 another loss and another sense of worthlessness is drowning me. I feel like a fighter in a ring, i keep getting punched, kicked, and knocked down but like a moron I keep standing back up. If I just stay down maybe I would be able to breath. My mind keeps pulling up memories from my past. It keeps reminding me how much life truly sucks on a daily basis. Sleepless night fill my days. Insomnia is also an evil Bitch. Along with anxiety and depression, I am just living the dream over here! Sometimes I truly think my mom had the right idea. Dying was a very easy way out. I can really see myself try and take that option but yet again fear of death over here. Living is all you have ever known so being stuck in limbo scares the shit out of me. I like to have control. I do not like having to rely on anyone or having anyone control my actions. In reality this is why the whole 2 pregnancies meaning the miscarriages I have had fucked with me so bad. Being pregnant means your have no control over anything your body does. It really disrupts your entire schedule. I hate not being able to control what is going on in my life. I like structure. Well in a way i like structure. I like knowing when, how , and why i am doing something. Grief does not follow that rule in any way shape or for. Traumatic experiences always seams to creep up at the most inconvenient time. Why is it really necessary to relive the same memories over and over. I mean what importance does it really have. I mean I lived it once and it broke me. I will never be the same...Like EVER! So here I am yet again dealing with another low blow my life has so graciously decided I needed. I am starring down the rabbit hole and it is looking very inviting. It would be very easy to just slip this hole again and just go numb, but in all reality if I go down this time...I will never come back up alive.
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