A STROKE OF PAINFUL WIND

Chan watched in horror as Felix's steps faltered and he fell down. Chan didn't mean to really hurt the younger boy, he couldn't think of doing so even in his dream, Felix was the light of his life but he was just so angry in that moment, months long anger and frustration that he had been stewing on, came out of him like a bursting volcano and the person that he least wanted to hurt ended up getting the most of the blunt force of his anger.
The moment his anger subsided Chan felt nothing but regret and dread that spread over his entire being. He had ignored the rational part of his brain that told him that Felix must have been suffering with something, which was why he couldn't give his best because the younger was know to give his absolutely everything to any task he was assigned to, so might have had a reason to it and Chan was to be blamed for it as him being the lover, the other half of the freckled teen as he calls himself and couldn't be bothered to find out the reason for the struggles of the younger, it was him to be blamed in the first place as he ignored the boy and did not paid enough attention or gave him enough time to approach him talk to him, But instead of it all, the irrational part of him did the damage to the boy he loves the most and he doesn't know if the younger boy would forgive him or even Minho would ever forgive him for treating his precious younger brother like he did.

Chan was having a fight with his conscience deep in his mind, before his attention was brought back to reality with Hyunjin's panicked voice. The worry in Hyunjin's eye turned into fear as Chan told he hated it. Even from his perspective it sounded like the older hated his predicament of their relationship and knowing Felix like he does, he knows his inner demon must have told him that it was him that chan hated and just for that reason Hyunjin really want to go up to the leader and give him an earful but he felt the younger boy in his arm needed his full attention therefore he hold the slumped boy close to his chest he realized his breathing was very irregular and quickened, hurried he pulled back and hold Felix face, he sees his eyes are glazed and unfocused.
“ I think he’s having a panic attack to help him lie down properly” Han pipes from where he is standing by the sofa with Changbin's arm around him, sounding very distressed and almost close to tears at the situation in front of him.

“Felix ? Felix baby please calm down !! you gonna pass out if you don't get your breathing under control baby please “ Hyunjin himself sounded like he was barely holding his own tears as he wiped the tears that rolled down the cheek of the half unconscious boy in his arm and tried to ease him.

“Changbin call manager nim tells him to hurry up” Minho lost his cool composure upon seeing his younger brother fainting cause him to panic, he immediately went to him and began looking over the younger lee.
“ Hyunjin what happened to him, you were by his side right?” Minho asked the taller male ungently.
“ y-you both were screaming so loudly I thought Felix was scared I got c-close to him he was looking very p-pale and was swaying on his feet, I supported him and sat him down on floor when I noticed he was b-bleeding through his nose, I gave him a my towel, then he went to reach out to chan hyung when he heard him say he hate him and then fainted” Hyunjin now had tears falling down his face as he tells Minho about what had transpired when the two older members were busy clawing at each others head.
“ thank you Hyunjin-ah you did great by being by his side, now calm down okay Lix will be okay manager nim is coming over soon” Minho tries his best to calm down the distressed member although he himself was panicking really hard on the inside but he knew his member need him the most right now as the leader they were supposed to lean on was stuck like a statue in few steps away from them, but he ignored that and paid all his attention to boy on the floor.

Chan was frozen on the spot, all he could focus on was his lover was fighting hard to just breathe his face was contorted into pain and anguish, hearing the boy he loves with his entire existence whimper out painful groan made him feel like someone was smashing his heart, he regretted saying all those awful things to at him he knew how sensitive Felix was about his insecurities and Chan threw all his insecurities, his fears at his face. Chan knew he rubbed the salts on the younger’s wound where it hurts the most. He couldn't make himself come up with the courage to go forward and help his lover. He doesn't feel like he deserves to comfort the boy after hurting him and being the reason for all the pain the boy was suffering.

Seungmin who was standing with Han, Changbin and Jeongin by the sofa, saw their leader standing away from everyone with an anguished look on his face. His fist was curled up so tight he knew it’ll leave marks. Seungmin himself was very worried about his freckled triplet but Chan hyung was their hyung who had always helped them and had always kept the member’s happiness before his own and had suffered many consequences just to make his member feel at ease and happy. He knew the older had said all those hurtful things out of anger and frustration which was not originally directed at Felix and must be feeling awful and blaming himself for everything therefore he helped the makane into the arms of Changbin hyung ignoring the whimper coming from Hyunjin and the other sitting on the floor and making his way up to their leader to comfort him.
“Chan hyung! Felix will be alright don't worry okay” he tried to reassure the leader, he took a hold of his hand and gently pried his finger to see the crescent moon prints marking at his palm some even started to form a line of reds on it. He clicked his tongue and shook his head and pulled the leader closer to his side and like a pliant doll Chan let himself be dragged by the second youngest. Chan was looks up at the at his younger brother who always had been more mature than most of his hyung. He was still in shock and couldn't formulate a coherent sentence so he just nods at him, before he tore his gaze back to his boyfriend who was still nestled close protectively at Hyunjin's chest.
“ Minho hyung manager nim told he’ll be here soon and told us to lay Felix down somewhere comfortably” Han informed to older from his place next to Changbin who gave Han the phone to talk to the manager as it may help him to distract him from the panic that was surging inside him and cause now he had the makane stuck to him on his other side.

“ Okay thanks Hannie! Changbin, can you help Felix on the sofa please ``Minho ask Changbin.

“ Yeah sure hyung!” Changbin immediately approaches the boy and picks Felix up in bridal style, easily carrying him, as if he is holding a feather thinking if Felix has always been this light or did he lose so much weight. He laid Felix on the couch as gently as possible and picked up his towel to make a makeshift pillow and placed it under Felix's head and Minho helped Hyunjin to sit on the other end of the couch to elevate Felix's legs.

Everyone was shuffling toward the couch when the gate to the practice room opened and their main manager came in, the manager had a special really good bond with each and every kid of this band, he considers himself really lucky that he was chosen to be their manager as the kids were very respectful, mindful and overall still very young and innocent and he considers all of them as his own kids and doesn't want any harm to come to them from the harsh world of this industry, and he knows he doesn't have to worry about any controversy because the kids were too attentive and good at listening despite being inhumanly loud, they listen to him very well and always seem to contact him, if there is any critical situation at their hand which is why, he tried to reach to the company as soon as possible to tend the situation. Upon entering the room he immediately went over to check Felix, he placed his hand on Felix's forehead and then both of his hands under the boy’s neck to feel for the swollen gland. The manager had been in the industry long enough to know that it comes in handy to have a basic knowledge of first aid to tend and help the uncomfortable idols. He even took a class about idol heath management.

“Could you tell me what happened, how did this come about?” the manager asked no one in particular.

Minho recited the whole event that went down to their manager from the fight till Felix fainting in short, leaving all the detail out.
Everyone could see that the manager hyung was very angry. And it was true he was angry but right now he needed to focus on the poor boy and deal with Chan later on.
The manager was assessing Felix, checking the boy's pulse and everything. The silence again found its way inside the practice room.

“ Do we need to take him to the hospital hyung” Minho asks the manager as he waits for the older to check Felix up.
“ I don't think he needs a hospital right away, it seems like he was running a fever and was already pushing himself to his limits and the panic attack did not help the matter, he passed out from exhaustion. Also I don't think taking him to the hospital would be a good idea as he’ll be swarmed by the press and hardly get the treatment that he’ll need and not to mention it won't be good for the image of the upcoming comeback.“ the manager tells them with a serious sympathetic face.

“I will contact a doctor though, he is a friend of mine and I'll relay all about Felix to him and get him to prescribe some meds to help him with his fever as well okay?” the manager told them upon seeing their sullen face. He tried to comfort the member.

“Okay now that it's settle let get Felix back at dorm and help him his his bed so that he can rest comfortably, so lets wind up here and go. I'll get the van ready by the entrance so no one can can click pictures of you guys one of you should carry him up on the back, so that even if someone sees we can say that he fell asleep during the practice and we’ll have one less thing to worry about.” Their manager hauled everyone up and ready to go to. The makane had collected the belongings and took Changbin's and Felix's bag and Seungmin helped chan pack his bag.

“Don't think I forgot about you! I'll have a talk with you when we reach the dorm” the manager told Chan with a stern parental voice.
That made Chan feel even more worse than he already felt and with a somber look he nodded. Minho who is helping Felix on Changbin’s back and covering him by draping his hoodie on him.

“ Minho would please allow me to help him” Minho was about to turn to pack his own bag when he was interrupted by the leader's voice after what felt like an eternity. The leader’s voice was laced with so much raw inhibited agony and his eyes was glistening with some unshed tear ready to fall on the track of tear that he had already shed while standing there and watching his lover from afar, Minho couldn't help but melt a little at his hyung he knew he was at fault and they’ll have a brief conversation about it later but right Felix needed them and that also includes his precious boyfriend. He didn't have the heart to separate them or leave chan hyung in such a state so he held out his hand silently giving his approval with a small soft smile on his face.

“Of course Chan hyung, I'm sure no matter how upset he’ll be. It would help him to feel more comfortable to have you around him, you two have a special bond . don't ever forget. But if you ever do this again your face will be the first thing that’ll hit the ground, you understand that ”

A few tears escape the leader's eyes before he wipes it away with his sleeves, nodding his head and accepts the dancer’s hand as they leave the room.

…………………..
BACK AT DORM
………………..…

Changbin along with their manager’s help managed to bring Felix to his bedroom without any problem and gently laid him in the bed, everyone filled inside the dorm and was ordered by the manager to freshen up, order dinner and set the table, while they will help Felix in his bedroom. Chan came inside the bedroom and went straight to Felix wardrobe to retrieve his pajamas from the bringing them to the bed where his lover was asleep, manager excused himself out of the room to see the other member but not before giving a side eye glance to Chan telling him to meet him in the hallway after attending Felix.
Chan knew what was waiting for him and he deserves it, god he deserves so much worse than that. But Chan was feeling absolutely numb inside. It's like a part of him was lost and he had a strong urge to find it, get it back and keep it safe for eternity and Chan knew the lost part of him was Felix. Chan would beg on his hands and knees if he had to, just so the younger would forgive him, but knowing his lover, that big heart that he carries on his sleeves Chan knows Felix will forgive him easily which Chan doesn't deserve but he’ll be sure to make up for his mistake and show his love to Felix till eternity.
Changbin let Chan some privacy to towel dry the unconscious boy and help him in his boxer before coming back and helping Chan on getting Felix in his pajamas.
After they are done they tuck Felix in and bring a bowl of cold water and a rag to place it on top of his head to help with his fever.

“Common chan hyung.. Let's go. Manager nim is waiting and you have some explaining to do”.
Changbin tells the leader but seeing hesitant expression on his face he continues.

“ We'll come right back, Channie hyung after the dinner and also bring him his dinner as well . common now to get up.” he tugs at his hyung's slump hand and drags him out of the room.

Chan was reluctant to leave, but Changbin insisted and tug him out of the room so he had no chance to deny, he let go of his lover’s hand and gently placed it on the bed but not before giving the knuckles a small kiss. Stood up and followed his brother out.

Chan enters the dining room to see most of the members were sitting there and eating apart from Minho who was talking to their manager, when Chan enters the room all chatter quiets down and he could feel that discomfort of the younger ones. The atmosphere was tense. Minho and the manager had a very intimidating look in their eye. Manager told everyone to eat first before they talk. With his head hung low, Chan sat in his chair not really eating but pushing his food around, not once raising his head up over the table or making any sound, he sat there like a guilty prisoner waiting for his judgment to be passed.
Today's dinner was one of the quietest they ever had and it was really surprising to the manager to see that these kids really know how to tone it down in serious situations compared to other times where he had to physically restrain the kids from stomping around and still they’ll make noise and jump in his hold. ‘They are growing up so fast’ thought the manager.

After dinner was done, the manager asked Minho and Chan to follow him to the living room and command the rest to finish and go to their own bed. Changbin prepared a bowl of porridge along with other stuffs and filled Felix water bottle that comes with a sipper straw thinking it would help the boy drink easily, it was a childish bottle but the younger saw in somewhere and wanted it so bad that he whined for it all the time and at last just to pacify his lover want, Chan went and bought that ridiculous sipper bottle for Felix. The Boy was so ecstatic to have his bottle he took it with him almost everywhere if was funny and the joyful and loving expression on his face, it was as if Chan hung the moon in the sky for him and seeing the happiness his eyes made everyone's heart melt and no one had it in them to tease the younger about it. Mentally laughing at the memory, Changbin got all the stuff ready and also took a pack of ice cubes to cool the boy’s fever down. He was about to lift the tray when Han came and offered help, and they both went up to Felix's room.

Meanwhile the atmosphere in the living room was tense. The balcony door was open to let in the cool breeze to clear everyone's mind Chan sat on the sofa on the left side of the manger Minho was sitting on the loveseat in the the right side of the manager.

“Are you gonna tell me, what the hell were you thinking or better yet why the hell were you not thinking?” The manager was much more calm than he was when he first heard the incident from Minho but the anger and disappointment was very visible in his expression and tone of his voice. He was angry but he didn't want to take any action knowing one side of the story. He knows from experience that there are always two perspectives of a story so he wanted to listen to Chan's side as well.
And he knew the kid for the longest, he know Chan is a good kid very sacrificing and caring type and he also knows his relationship with Felix he know how much he loved that young boy and the fire in his eyes when he confessed to their manager the look was to dare anyone to breath wrongly at Felix or harm the younger in anyway, so he knows there must have been something going on for him to have lashed out on Felix like that to lead the poor boy into a panic attack.
Chan opened his mouth few times gasping for words but none came out, he closed his eyes, took a deep breath before telling the manager everything about how it was just his fault, how he had been stressed and had a not so pleasing meeting with their board member that set him off in a very bad mood, chan narrate the whole event that transpired to the manager about how the board had rejected most of his track that he had been working on for so long and then gave him a deadline of two days to work it all out, to say Chan was stress was no joke. He was stressed and beyond tired and the practice was hard he told the manger how he was keeping himself silent for the whole day to keep himself from bursting out his anger on someone of melting down in tears. Chan just wanted to complete the practice and go back to their dorm to start on the track again but the practice was stretched for too long than necessary and his patience was running low and he did something that he doesn't know he’ll forgive himself for it ever.

“ i was just so angry that i didn't listen to my own rational mind” Chan felt the shame and embarrassment overwhelm him and then came the realization of all the harsh words he had told Felix as if saying it out now to their manager made him realize the depth of the the situation and how much he had hurt his boy.

“How can I say such a thing to him, I'm such a bad person” Chan hung his head between his knees tears starts falling down his face.
When Chan composed himself he told the rest of the story to the manager how he had shoved Felix and didn't listen to his please. Chan had broken into ugly sob that he tried to contain earlier as he remembered the hurt look on his lover’s face and as his expression crumbled down.

“ I told him I hated it all. '' Chan confessed the words were so hard to say again it was almost like the word cut a wound in his throat as he said it out loud again.

“ how could you say such a thing Chan, I'm so much disappointed in you, how can you even think that Felix of all people would try and tarnish the effort of the team, the boy tries and puts more effort into anything than he could muster, how can such a although even come to your mind” the disappointed was very evident in the managers voice.

“ and if you had so much trouble with the board members, you should have told me all about this first hand I'm your manager for that fucking reason, to mange you all. not to let you fuss up in your troubles all alone.'' His manager tells chan as a parent explaining the child how he should ask for help.

“ hyung is right, chan hyung we all are part of the team, you have to come up to us as well and we all will be ready at the drop of a hat to help with any thing. We are a team and you are an essential part of it, not a one man army that you have to take on all the troubles and only give us the sunshine and rainbow part of the job” Minho adds after their manager.

Chan is feeling even more depressed. His eyes were overflowing with regret for his action; he wished to turn back the time and prevent of it from happening. He wanted to be punished, he wanted to feel the pain for all the anguish he had caused his lover.
Manager nim saw the guilty expression on the leader’s face. No doubt he was blaming himself for the event that happened earlier, the manger raised his hand and encircled Chan in his arm. The action seemed to break all the control that Chan had conjured up until now and broke apart in his manager's arm Minho himself had a few tears sliding down his face upon seeing the state of their leader he also came up to the other vacant side of Chan and joined the hug.

“ you might be the leader but don't forget you're still a kid Channie you don't have to take the burden of the world on your shoulder, you have seven beautiful brother to share your troubles with and hold you through your dark time, and let's not forget that lover boy of yours, I'm pretty sure he would fight the board member or scare them to their death by sending them creepy deep assed voice message and tell them the back away from you, I know he would fight me too if I were the one to give you any trouble” the manager tried to joke to lighten the mood and it seem to work as he hears a soft breathy chuckle from both the two members next to him.

“Don't beat yourself up for it anymore Chan you’ll only hurt yourself, what happened is in the past now, learn from it all and try not to make the same mistake again in the future and learn to lean on your brothers a little more from on, okay?” The manager gave the last of his wisdom to make the kid understand.

“Also don't forget to make a very heartfelt apology to that boy when he wakes up, make him feel all the love that he deserve in the world and don't ever make that sunshine dampers ever again or next time I think half of the member will have your head already before I could get my hands on you.'' The manager smiles and lets the whole conversation seep into their brain and stands up, leaving them not before bidding them all goodbye and telling everyone to take care of Felix.