Ode to your mother!

"Mom, give me a kiss," I said, trying to lighten the mood.
"Nope," said my mother.
"Why not?"
"Because you didn't do what your mother said."
"What? I ain't gotta do what my mother said."
"That's why you're not getting a kiss."
"Look, mom. You've gotta kiss your children. And hug them. And take them to the movies. And buy them a gift!"
"Nope."
"Why not?"
"Because I got bad kids."
"Which one? Joseph? I knew it."
"Nope."
"Meagen?"
"Nope."
"Noreen?"
"Nope."
"Well, I'm flabbergasted."
"You should be."
"Mom, look. Could you...Could you go to the store and buy me a gift?"
"A what?"
"Go to the store and buy me a gift."
"Look, boy, I'm your mother."
"Yes?"
"I make the decisions."
"What?"
"I make the decisions and I have decided that my kids aren't going to get any gifts right now."
"Just buy me some toys."
"Nope."
"Toys aren't gifts. They're just plastic replicas. It's for a science experiment."
"Look, John, I'm your mother and I say no gifts."
"Look, mom. I'm the favorite."
"No, you're not."
"Yes I am."
"No, you're not."
"Who has the best video game collection? Who's the tallest? Who has the biggest afro? Who has the best toy collection? The best comic book collection? The best anime collection?"
"John, that's not the criteria."
"Who's got the darkest skin?"
"John, your mother is trying to tell you something."
"What?"
"I can't afford toys right now. I'm low on funds."
"Here's what you do. Go to the store, walk to the toy section and say, 'I want all this on layaway, stat.' And then when you get it all on layaway, reach in your purse and pull out the half-off coupon and turn it in. Then..."
"John, I can't afford that."
"One week of overtime should do it, at your wages."
"One week of overtime? I already work overtime every week!"
"One week less?"
"Look, John, you're going to have to wait if you want these toys."
"Look, mom, give me a hug and a kiss. I need a hug."
"Nope."
"Is it because of what Joseph said about me?"
"What did Joseph say about you?"
"I don't know, you tell me."
"John, you've got to do your homework."
"Homework?"
"Yes, homework."
"What's that?"
"it's work that you do at home!"
"You mean like playing video games?"
"No, I mean math problems. Reading. Science."
"All of which goes into programming video games."
"John, I'm only going to tell you this once."
"Yep?"
"Do your homework."
"Mom, I hate to break it to you, but homework is abuse."
"Abuse?"
"Yes, mom. Homework is abuse. You can't abuse."
"How is homework abuse?"
"Well, it's hard. It's boring."
"Hard and boring are abuse?"
"They are if you want to play video games."
"John, I'm going to have to spank you if you don't do your homework."
"Mom, you gotta kiss."
"Nope."
"Hug. Take me to the movies."
"John, I'm your mother and I make all the decisions here..."