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Rated: 13+ · Fiction · Comedy · #2315808
The world's worst passenger. Written for Writer's Cramp
"Bam! Platinum Ultra!" Link Stokes yelled as he slammed his air miles card on the reception desk.

The check-in clerk smiled as best she could as she stared at the thin black piece of plastic. "While we do appreciate you choosing Safe Air International for your flight, I'm afraid I am uncertain what it is you expect me to do."

Mr. Stokes bugged his eyes out and dropped his carry on to the floor. He flung his hairy arms out to the side. "Let me board," he said. "Duh! I'm Platinum Ultra, Sweet Cheeks!"

The airline employee's cheeks flushed with annoyance. "The plane isn't at the gate yet," she said. "I'm sorry, sir we're unable to do that. I'll be happy to board you in the group indicated on your ticket when it's time."

Link kicked his carry on, causing it to spew several pairs of underwear onto the terminal floor. He grumbled as he picked them up. Freezing in a half crouch. "You, with the phone," he shouted. "I see which way you're pointing that! Post that video anywhere and I'll have my lawyer sue your ass!"

The impromptu videographer's hot magenta lips gaped momentarily. The pink bejeweled phone went back into the tween's purse and she strode off through the linoleum halls.

"You didn't see anything either!" Link told the clerk.

He sat down hard in one of the terminal's conjoined chairs. The corpulent man's weight caused the entire row to rock back and forth. He quickly found himself the only person sitting within thirty feet up or down that lane. Upon noticing this, he rested his cross-trainer clad feet on the adjacent seat.

Finally the magic words "Now boarding Flight 2157. Chicago to Las Vegas at gate 7G--" blared over the intercom. Before the boarding group had been announced, Link had bounded from his reclining position to the front of the gate.

"Platinum Ultra!" He shouted as he blasted past the ticket agent.

Mr. Stokes was halfway down the ramp by the time he heard the agent shouting "I need to scan your ticket, sir!"

He huffily dug his phone out of his pocket and pulled up the digital ticket. "Fine," he said. "Here. Are you happy now?"

The scanner made a satisfying chiming sound as the data registered. The agent tapped her screen. "Thank you Mr. Stokes. Enjoy your flight!"

It was fortunate that the seats were empty. Link managed to bash his case into every single row on his way down the aisle.

He attempted to throw his carry on bag into the luggage compartment. It of course bounced back out and popped open. He grumbled some more as he picked his underwear back up.

Other passengers were boarding by the Link's third failed attempt to stow his baggage. Just after an elderly lady had settled into the seat in front of his, Link jammed the bulky case under that woman's chair.

"Agh! My sciatica!" She gasped. The lady turned to face Stokes. "Young man, would you mind stowing your carry on elsewhere? It's pushing into my tail bone."

"Aw shut up you old bat!" Link said. "I already tried that. Just suck it up."

The elderly lady turned back around with tears in her eyes.

Link sat in his seat checking his phone impatiently. He wiggled this way and that. Until the safety briefing began.

"In the event of--" the flight attendant pointed with the intercom. "I'm sorry, sir? Sir! Please return to your seat until we've reached cruising altitude."

Link turned around. "Lady," he said. "I've flown thousands of times. I'm Platinum Ultra, I could tell you the safety briefing in my sleep! Right now I gotta drop a devil donut or there'll be a real emergency!"

Not long after this announcement, Link Stokes found two TSA agents escorting him off the plane. They were arresting him for disorderly conduct and failure to obey a flight attendant.

Applause filled the plane as Mr. Stokes was escorted out. Hardly anyone filming the incident cared that he threatened to "sue all your asses and Uncle Sam's!" They were just elated to have such an idiot leave their midst.

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