Jim the Hero

Jim, The Hero!
D.B.Mikus

I have defeated the black dragon of Vindal. I have destroyed the evil minions of Narg. I have saved the princess of Dunra, twice, from the clutches of Pagso. I am… Jim! This is the story of my latest and greatest adventure. I was sitting in my palace overlooking my town. Quite a nice town. Not many people died per week from disease as in most other places. The roads were only muddy. Not many horses got stuck in them.
Anyway, as I sat in my chair overlooking my town a messenger wearing loosely fitting pants and a shirt tied close to her waist with a rope came into my room.
“Hey. Jim!” she said. “You heard about that town, Dunra? A league of vampires have taken over the castle. I know stuff like that happens all the time, but…” She paused and sighed. “The beautiful prince charming is nowhere to be found! Do you know what could happen if evil people became king? They might force everyone to actually work!”
I shook my head in annoyance. “Come on Julie, I’m king, remember?”
“Okay your highness. Whatever! Will you save us, oh great lord of a tiny little home in a tiny little village?” Julie said as she rolled her eyes.
“Fetch me my steed!”
“You have to tell mom where you’re going first,” my sister said.
I got out of my chair and onto my hands and knees. “Please just cover for me this once. I’ve been a nice guy. Haven’t I? Please, just this once!”
“Okay, Jim. But you owe me one chicken,” Julie said.
“Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou! I’ll give you the chicken when I get back,” I said and darted outside.
I went to where my noble steed, a gray colored little old donkey, was tied up to a weathered wooden post. “Hi ol’ Bill!” I said as I patted him on the nose. He whinnied and pawed excitedly at the ground.
“Do you want to go on an adventure?”
All of a sudden Bill stopped his excited whinnying and began to back away from me. “Well, you’re going on one anyway. Hold there. I’ll be right back.”
I ran through the house getting my supplies. Some food, drink, survival tools, and my great sword… EXCALIBUR! My wooden sword of heroes had defeated many a foe, the most infamous one being the Maniacal Pillow. I put it in my sheath and strode outside to Bill. He turned his head away from me. I grabbed the saddle sitting on the ground and plopped it on top him. I secured my supplies to him and tried to hop onto Bill’s back, but I fell. I tried again, and fell. But the third time I stayed on. I leaned over and untied the rope, and… we were off!
Well, sort of. See, Bill got stuck in the mud in the road and couldn’t get out. And it didn’t help that he didn’t want to go either. Some people are so stubborn. Finally I went back inside to get a carrot. Julie was sitting on a bench sewing some clothing.
“Did you chicken out, Jim?”
I clenched my teeth and walked into the supply room. Actually, it was more like a cupboard. Our house was pretty small. I grabbed a carrot and stormed back outside.
“Bill doesn’t want to go on an quest with you. Is that it?” I heard Julie holler behind me.
“Shut up,” I muttered angrily, just out of her hearing range.
When I got back outside Bill was out of the mud and trotting down the street.
“Bill!” I yelled.
The donkey started to gallop. Actually, it was more like stumbling quickly. But Bill was old, so you had to forgive him. I managed to catch up to Bill, no problem. I got on his saddle and we were off again (for real this time). It took us about a week to get to Dunra. Normally it would only take four days, but we got captured by some trolls when passing through the forest. They were going to sacrifice us in some ritual, but they forgot to tie us down when they were getting ready to cut us. Pretty stupid isn’t it? I wonder if my sister is one of them? Ha-ha!
We also got stuck in fog and tripped down a hill. A very long hill. And steep. We ended up in the Valley of Death where zombies tried to eat us. But it was foggy, and they ended up eating each other. Typical stuff really. If you get raided by some almighty god from another dimension, that’s a little unusual, but still not very rare. Well anyways, we arrived at the wall surrounding Dunra. Two guards with big pointy pikes wouldn’t let us in without a slip. What’s with slips anyways? They don’t come into style for about nine centuries.
I jumped off Bill and said, “If you don’t let me in, I’ll be forced to fight you! Let me tell you, just for warning, I have defeated the Black Dragon of Vindal.” Actually, I told them that some guy was climbing the wall and stole one of the guard’s keys.
I quickly fumbled with them and shoved random ones into the gate before I got the right one. I struggled to push open the gate and quickly get back on Bill and into the city.
Bill and I saw a bunch of people in a line. Their hands were tied behind their backs and the ropes were connected. At the back of the line holding a nasty looking whip was a very vampire-ish person. It was a she-vampire. She had black hair tied in a ponytail and quite a slender body. She didn’t wear one of those “Count Dracula” dress up things. Instead she wore black leather armor. Her face was pale white and her eyes red. And of course, she had the trademark fangs.
“What are you doing here? Only vampires allowed inside!” she said.
Bill whinnied in fright. “Um… I-I am a vampire. See, I have fangs!” I took my fingers and made little fang-like things. “And I vant to suck some blood!”
“She rolled her eyes. “Yeah, whatever. I’m not that dumb. But I won’t tell the boss. I hope someone overthrows him. He doesn’t pay us enough for all our hard work.” She cracked her whip in the air. “Now start movin’, slaves!”
I got off Bill and led the scared old donkey into an alley behind a small, white, building. Poor ol’ Bill was terrified.
“That was a close one, wasn’t it Bill?” I whispered as I patted him on his snout.
All of a sudden a hand was clasped on top off my mouth and I was shoved up against a wall, kung fu style.
“Ow…” I muffled. Bill backed away and whined in fright.
“Don’t move, vampire!” the person spat at me.
“Prince Charming?” I asked, although it probably sounded more like “Piuf chuming.”
“Wait, you’re not a vampire?” Prince Charming said a released me.
I spun around. Prince charming was wearing a shirt with flexible leather armor over it and he had his blonde hair combed back. Not so pretty if you ask me.
“No duh. I’m Jim! The Great Adventurer!”
“Jim?” Prince Charming scratched his head. “Never heard of you.”
“Never? How dare you! I have defeated the black dragon of Vindal. I have destroyed the evil minions of Narg. I have saved the princess of Dunra, twice, from the clutches of Pagso!” I said.
“Um… No, that was me. How did you get in here?”
“Well, I fought the guards. Without breaking a sweat!” I said as I threw out my chest.
“Really? I climbed.”
Maybe that’s why the guards took so long. I must be psychic! The I heard the immortal evil words, “Hi, dweeb!”
I shuddered and turned around to see my sister. “Why are you hear?” I asked.
“Well…” Julie said and then batted her eyelashes at Prince Charming who backed away. “I knew Prince Charming would be here and I also thought that you needed my help. And don’t forget about that chicken.”
I rolled my eyes and went to get poor ol’ Bill (I call him that a lot, don’t I?) who was now completely confused/petrified/astonished/surprised etc. “Well, let’s get going into the castle.”
So, our fellowship managed to defeat the guards. Mostly my work. Or not. Bill released a killer fart which knocked out the guards instantly and almost dropped us, too. Once inside the castle Bill couldn’t go with us. Too old. So I tied him up behind a building obscured from view. We couldn’t use the stairs because they were guarded and Bill wasn’t here. So we had to climb up. We went on narrow ledges, jumped into the stone protruding out where windows were made, climbed on poles and finally made it to our destination, the top floor.
By the time we got up here it was dark. The vampire guards patrolled the red-carpeted corridors with torches in their hands. “009 has successfully infiltrated the enemy base,” I whispered as I peak around the corner.
“Shut up, nimrod,” Julie said.
Then Prince Charming hatched a plan. And he told us that plan. Duh. “Okay, Julie, you’ll go to the dungeon and free the prisoners. You’ll have to snatch a pair of keys. Oh, yeah. The dungeon is in the basement. Sorry that I just thought of this now.”
“Oh, it’s fine Prince Charming. I’ll do anything you’d like me to.”
“Okay, you go do that. Jim, you and I will get into the kings room and knock out Pagso.”
“What? Knock out? No slaying?” I asked.
“No, that’s illegal,” Prince Charming sad, stunned.
Julie had already snatched a pair of keys and was on her way back down. Prince Charming and I slinked along the walls. Snuck behind guards, and hid in the shadows on our way down the hallways. We arrived at the doors and creaked them open. It was dark, very dark. All of a sudden a ceiling light lit up with fire. There, standing in the middle of the room, was Pagso. He wore a classic Count Dracula dress-up. His hand was resting on the hilt of his sword, ready to draw it out of the sheath.
“I’ve been waiting for you,” he said menacingly.
“Seriously?” I asked.
“No, I just heard you come in. I like saying that though. Now prepare to fight!” Pagso lunged forward at us with sword.
I cowered backwards ready to be slashed in half. But the sword didn’t hit me. Prince Charming blocked it with his own blade. The two warriors jabbed, parried and slashed at each other with stunning grace. I stood on the sidelines cheering the Prince on. Then Pagso kicked Prince Charming over a table and he hit the ground, with a thud. He was knocked out cold.
“Now for you…” Pagso turned to me.
I drew my puny little wooden sword. “No one defeats Jim!” I managed to sputter out.
Pagso smacked the sword out my hand up into the ceiling and it got caught in the chandelier. “Um… That’s I really nice sword you got.”
“Silence puny mort…” Pagso began when all of a sudden the chandelier fell on top of him. Now Pagso was knocked out, too. And a fire was starting. I took my other canteen and put out the fire. My sword must have lit on fire and burnt the rope holding the chandelier.
Then I heard the doors open behind me. Julie led the real king and his loyal followers into the room. “What happened?” Julie said, seeing that both Prince Charming and Pagso were out cold.
“Well,” I began with my fabrication. “We came in here and Pagso surprised us and he lunged forward catching him off guard. I quickly took one of the prongs used for stirring the fire and blocked the blow. So then Prince Charming and I fought Pagso, but the Prince got knocked out. So it was only me, staring down one of the most demonic people in the world. He knocked the fire prong out of my hand and said, “Now for you.”
“But I threw my wooden sword up at the chandelier and it lit on fire, just like I planned, so that it would fall on Pagso. I defeated him!”
“No, way!” Julie said with her mouth gaping. “I’ll have to ask Prince Charming.”
So, after the defeat of Pagso, the king reclaimed his city and became the proper ruler again. All of the vampires were thrown in the dungeon, except the lady one I met because she wasn’t all that loyal to Pagso. Prince charming woke up and he backed up my story for me. What a nice guy. Anyway, we were all knighted, even Bill. Poor ol’ Bill. He went through a lot.
So, now Julie travels with Prince Charming, but I don’t really think he likes her. I don’t blame him. She’s kind of scary. And I never gave my sister her chicken. She forgot. (don’t tell her). Bill and I went on more famous adventures. And my name became known across the lands. I was a legend. Well, sort of. I managed to defeat some people, with some… help. And so, the story of my first great adventure, which would begin me on the road of fame, ended. Jim, the Great Adventurer, shall be told of forever. I hope.