Hopeless Romantic

"I'm in love!" Elizabeth shrieks as she falls backwards upon my freshly made bed, her auburn hair fanning about her as if she is posing for a photo shoot.

"Again?" I sneer and I smooth out a crease in the bedspread. Whenever my twin sister comes over to visit me, she always wrinkles something.

"This time it's for real, Emily," she insists, again, and I just stare at her. It is hard to believe that she and I are related. I mean, truly, you can see the resemblance. We are twins after all, both with waist-length, straight auburn hair, large hazel eyes, nicely arched eyebrows, full lips a healthy shade of pink, creamy complexions and slender bodies. We even have, though I loathe mentioning it, cute button noses.

I shake my head and make for the door of my room. I live in a small, two-room house in a quiet neighborhood as far as possible from my twin. Yet, she still manages to visit far too often.

"Hey!" she shouts as she follows me. "Don't you want to know who he is?"

"Not particularly," I say as I enter the kitchen. I officially have fifteen minutes before my best friend Susan arrives and I want to down a cup of coffee before we go garage sale hopping.

"It's Brian," she gushes and my heart falls despite my effort to keep it steady.

"Brian?" I ask, knowing that my voice is trembling with emotion. Not my Brian?

"Yes," she says as she moves past me, I hadn't realized I'd stopped walking, and helps herself to a cup of my coffee. "I met up with him last week at the bookstore."

"The bookstore where he works?" I ask, hurt and confused. Brian had been my best guy friend since we were two and he had never told me that he had feelings for Elizabeth. I mean, if he had I would have set him straight instantly.

"Yeah," she continues as she sits at my small dining table. "So, anyway, I start flirting with him and-"

"With Brian?" I practically shout and she looks at me with irritation. "Why would you do a thing like that?"

"I don't know..." Elizabeth seems to really ponder this a moment before she shrugs. "Just for fun. I mean, you and he have been friends for, like, ever, you know?" Do I ever? "So, he flirts back and next thing I know, we have a date!"

"When?" Brian flirts? I try to imagine it and fail horribly.

"Well, it already happened. Anyway, I fell for him harder than anyone before. I'm telling you, sis, he is the one." she downs the coffee and stands, leaving her dirty cup on my table as she heads for the door. "Gotta go. I'll call you!" and the door slams.

I concentrate on breathing for at least five minutes. Brian was dating my sister? But he knew how she really was. Didn't I always tell him about her weekly loves, her weekly falling head over heels over head, over and over again? He has no excuse of saying he didn't know or that he was overtaken by her charm. How could he date her?

How could he not tell me?

I move over to my table and sink into the chair she vacated. I see her trademark lipstick, Devilish Red, on the cream colored cup and I lay my head on my arms.

***

"So?"

I cough. "So!?!" I glare at Susan as she sweeps back her blond hair and bats her blue eyes at the waiter. "So!?!"

"Okay, look, Brian is your friend, right?" she asks as the waiter smiles sexily at her before refilling her water. "Thanks." she says, adding a wink. I stare at her in disbelief as she watches him walk away. "Anyway," she says, her eyes meeting mine once more. "He would tell you if it was serious, right?"

"Serious..." my mind freezes. I thought maybe he was just having fun but suddenly, my best friend has twisted my mind into frenzy once more. "He can't be serious, can he?"

Susan shrugs and sighs and I push my untouched salad away. What would I do? Heaven forbid they get married or something.

"Be honest with me, Emily, okay?" Susan says with such levity that I feel terrible fear. "You claim that you're happy being single. Are you? I mean, are you really?"

I stare at her until the check comes.

***

Am I happy being single? I always believed so.

Okay, so I knew I wasn't. I want what Hollywood promises so easily and never delivers on. I want the romance, the flowers, the love that consumes all thought and motive, the touch of the man that would send flutters of life throughout me, the look of desire, the kiss...all of it.

But, do I believe I can have it? Of course not! I am twenty-six, stuck in a horrible rut of day in, day out normalcy that would drive anyone crazy and through it all was Brian.

Now, he is my best friend but I always did have the secret crush on him that can develop when the friendship is solid and strong, which ours is. Harmless little crushes.

But, as the years passed, I came to realize that the crush was love and that I was hopelessly doomed. I mean, really, Brian would never allow us to become more than friends. And then there was the whole honesty thing. I mean, Brian and I had been open with each other about everything. How could we become more than buddies?

Oh, but I had longed for it! I had dreamed of him suddenly falling to his knees before me and professing his undying love for only me. But now he's with Elizabeth.

My stomach flutters as the doorbell sounds. Susan had asked me a hard question but the answer was even harder to take. I was, horrors upon horrors, a hopeless romantic.

I go into the bathroom and turn on the water. Whoever is at the door will just have to deal with not seeing me today. I'm not in the mood for company.

***

"You're not mad at me are you? Come on, Emily, pick up the phone. I've been over to your house at least six times and your car has always been there. I know you're home. Emily, your sister told me that she told you about our supposed date. Just...pick up...please"

"No, Brian, I won't pick up," I snap wearily as I hear the message click off. What do I care? So they're dating. So? So?

So, my world is over. It's at an end. What in the world am I going to do? Avoid my best friend forever? It's bad enough that I took a weeks impromptu vacation from work, that I refuse to answer the phone or the door, that I changed the locks, just to be alone.

And they won't leave me alone! Let me wallow people! Let despair carry me off and I'll be fine Monday!

The phone trills again and I turn up the classic movie I'm watching. The machine picks up and a dial tone is heard. I click off the television, stand shakily to my feet and march over to the phone. Angrily, I yank the receiver off the cradle and slam it down on the table. Now let's see them call me!

***

I am dreaming of a handsome Latino dancing the Rumba with me, his hands in my hair, on my hips, calling me beautiful, his love, his everlasting fire of passion, when the knocking begins.

It starts as an odd drumbeat that just doesn't quite go with the dance we're doing and eventually it drowns out the music entirely. My eyes flutter open, Rodrigo is gone and someone is pounding on my window with cruel consistency.

"What?" I shout but the knocking continues. I decide that I will open the window and cut off the hand that is knocking. I stomp over to the window and throw open the curtains. My heart stops. I pull the curtains closed.

"I'll stay here all night knocking until you let me in or I break the glass, Emily!" Brian shouts.

"Go to the door!" I shout back as I stomp off in that direction. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I have black circles under my eyes, my hair is falling out of the ponytail I tied it up in and my five-day-old outfit is wrinkled horribly. Perfect! I stick my tongue out at myself and continue to the door.

I unlock the deadbolt and throw the door open, turning my back on Brian and heading back to my bedroom.

"Where are you going?" Brian asks irritably.

"Back to Rodrigo," I say as I flop onto the bed and close my eyes. Brian enters and turns the lights on.

"Get up, Emily," he says and I am tempted to tell him something crude but years of our friendship flashes through my mind and I bite my tongue.

"You interrupted a wonderful dream I was having," I hiss.

"You interrupted a wonderful friendship," he says and I feel the mattress drop as he sits beside me. Suddenly, I am very self-conscious of what I look, and oh no, smell like. I sit up suddenly and scoot away from him, succeeding only in throwing myself off the bed on the other side. When I manage to stand up I see him looking at me with a wry smile.

Brian, handsome and friendly Brian. What am I going to do? Even now, his dark brown hair is curling around his ears and down to his shoulders in those unruly locks I always admired. His green eyes are twinkling with silent mirth and his full lips are looking more kissable than ever. I turn away, tears in my eyes.

"What's going on, Emily?" he asks in the deep timbered voice that just now is sending chills up and down my spine.

"Nothing," I lie.

"I took her out to lunch because she asked me to," Brian says softly and I can imagine him running his long fingers through his hair. I wrap my arms around myself. "Look, I just felt that she needed someone to talk to, someone to be with that wasn't interested in only one thing. I did it for you."

I close my eyes. "Then thank you," I say coldly.

"Come on, Emily, what's wrong? Tell me!" I hear the frustration in his voice and decide that I will tell him. Everything. That I'm a hopeless romantic though I spent my life telling everyone how much I despise romances, that I'm jealous of women who get to be loved by wonderful men, that I love him...

I open my mouth to do just that but something entirely different emerges. "Let me take a shower and wake up a little more, Brian, then we'll talk, okay?" I ask, still not looking at him.

"Okay. Go wash Rodrigo off you and I'll be in the kitchen brewing coffee." he says and I feel like crying.

***

I stand under the water, washing my filthy hair, praying for the end of the world. Now that the water gushes down on me, I actually have a slightly clearer mindset. There is no way I'm going to tell Brian that I love him. No way.

But, can I maintain this fortitude of strength in his presence? Not likely. Shampoo gets in my eye and I begin to rub it. Great, now I'm going to have red eyes.

I wish this shower could continue forever, that I could just stay in here until I die or Brian gets sick of waiting and just leaves. The latter would be best for me.

A knock at the door tells me that, once again, my wish is not being granted by my fairy godmother.

"Hey, Em, you all right in there?" Brian calls through the door.

"Yes," I shout with false cheerfulness. "I'll be right out!"

In a thousand years or so...

***

True to his word, Brian has brewed coffee and he is sitting in the same chair Elizabeth had sat in when she shattered my illusion of happiness. I was quite content, lying to others and myself, about how joyful I was with single existence. Thanks to my hopeless flirt of a sister I was doomed to acknowledge my loneliness.

Brian is staring into his coffee with a very adorable look of thoughtfulness in his eyes. I shake off the sickening lovey-dovey feeling and silently order my heart to behave itself.

"Sorry," I say as I head for the coffeepot. He glances up at me with such a serious expression in his eyes that I feel my heart begin to beat wildly with fear. Is our friendship over?

"I made it strong," he says and I pour a cup of coffee as black as tar. I decide that I won't add sugar or cream as I usually do and take the seat across from him.

"I was just hormoning, you know?" I say and could kick myself. It's so easy to fall into the familiar conversations and honesty with him. There goes my chance of winning him over with witty talk.

"Really?" he asks in a tone that says he doesn't believe me and that he isn't about to let me slide by with a 'woman's lie'.

"Yeah," I continue as I sip the hot, black liquid. "I got a little crazy. You remember Miami, right." he nods. "Like that, but, you know, worse." My voice has lost its cheerful unconcern and has trailed off to a whisper as I see he's not buying a word of my tactless cover-up. And why, in the world I now tread, did I bring up Miami?

"Emily..."

"Why don't we do this tomorrow, Brian, huh?" I ask quickly as I run my fingers through my wet hair. He just stares at me and I long to run, quick and far. Or, maybe, just into the wall.

"Okay," he finally says and I release the breath I hadn't realized I was holding. "But I'm sleeping on your couch."

"That's fine," I say with what I hope is a carefree smile. "I'm sleeping with Rodrigo." And I beat a hasty retreat to my room before Brian can reply.

***

Oh! He looks so cute! Asleep on my couch with his hair in his eyes and his arm thrown over his head. Walk away, Emily, just walk away.

It's like I'm in a trance. I can't move. But, suddenly, fear overpowers any gooey emotions I may be feeling as he rolls over and I finally convince my legs that they can, in fact, get me away from the couch and into the kitchen.

I'm putting on a fresh pot of coffee when I hear the bathroom door close. Needless to say, my dreams were not about Rodrigo and the Rumba but were about a cute guy named Brian and a wicked witch named Elizabeth.

I hear water running and that strange shiver dances upon my spine. He's going to take a shower! In my shower!!! I shake my head. This isn't the first time Brian has slept on my couch or used my shower. It is, however, the first time I actually envisioned him naked taking the shower.

I slam the coffeepot down and fill it with water. I seriously need to get a grip on reality here. This is Brian I'm thinking about. Brian. My best friend in the whole world.

And then, to make matters worse, I hear the doorbell.

***

"He won't return my calls!" Elizabeth says as she helps herself to the coffee and sits at the table.

"Who?"

"Brian, you nut!" she says and she plays with her mug in the seductive way she can as I sink into the chair across from her.

"You still like him?" I ask, stunned.

"I told you that I love him," she moans.

"Yeah, like, a week ago," I say.

"So?"

"Usually love burns out in a week with you," I say, hoping Brian takes a long shower while praying that Elizabeth doesn't notice the sound of running water.

"What are you saying? Are you saying I'm fickle?" She demands and I close my eyes and sigh.

It's then that I hear the water turn off and the shower curtain rings slide across the metal pole in the bathroom.

"No," I say, in answer to her question and in reply to the silent insane thoughts bouncing around my skull.

"Who's here?" she asks and I keep my eyes closed, reminding myself that life is very important and the best way to continue living right now is to remember to breathe. In and out, in and out.

The bathroom door opens and I hear a little gasp from my sister. I refuse to look. In and out, in and out.

"Hello, Elizabeth," comes the deep timbered voice of Brian.

"I've called you," she says harshly and from the clarity of her voice I know she is looking at me though the accusation is directed at Brian.

"I know," he says and that's all. No apology. In and out, Emily, in and out.

"I thought we had something," she says in such a sad tone of voice that I'm thinking that to stop breathing wouldn't be the worse thing that could happen.

"Lunch," Brian says and I open my eyes at last. He stated it so matter-of-factly that it shocked even me. Elizabeth is standing in front of him but his eyes are on me. Oh my goodness! He's not wearing a shirt! His hair is a wet, curly mess about his face and he's shirtless! I need to get out of here.

"Look," I say as I stand to my feet, hoping I can beat a hasty retreat but not seeing how it would be possible with Brian and Elizabeth blocking the door. There is, of course, the back door but that just leads to a fenced in yard and, well, that wouldn't help much.

"Stay out of this, Emily!" Elizabeth shouts as she turns her angry hazel eyes my way. "You're no help!"

"I'm not trying to help," I say before I realize how that sounds. The silence is deafening and I sigh just to break it. "Okay, see, this is exactly what I wanted to avoid. Elizabeth, you're my sister but dare I say that you fall in love with a different guy every week. The only reason you're feeling a great attraction to Brian is that he actually treated you like a human being, unlike the other guys you see.

"And Brian, you're my best friend. You're the one I laugh with and talk to and can count on. I can't lose that." Seeing that I'm not getting through to them, my frustration boils over, completely shutting off my brain. "This, right here, is why I freaked out. This is what made me realize that I love Brian!"

And there it is, like a huge pink elephant in a room of wealthy snobs. Standing there, trunk and all, is the truth I swore I wouldn't utter since my mind had returned to its rightful order.

Elizabeth's jaw drops and I turn, choosing the back door escape over no escape. As I slam it behind me and stand out in the middle of the dying grass of my pathetic yard, I feel the bile rising up in my throat.

I glance down at my shoe. Yep...I definitely stepped in it.

***

"You love him?" Susan asks, wide-eyed.

I nod.

"And then?" She presses.

"When I finally realized that I couldn't stand out in the yard forever-"

"And that Brian wasn't coming after you," Susan added evilly.

"Yes, thanks. And that Brian wasn't coming after me, I decided to go back in and deal with the elephant, trunk and all."

"But..."

"They were gone. The house was completely empty. A half hour later, I get a call from my mother, telling me how I've destroyed Elizabeth and asking me how I could be so selfish." I say as I sip the coke in an attempt to ease the dryness of my throat. It doesn't work, by the way.

"Harsh," Susan says as she waves the waiter away without so much as a glance, the same waiter she had flirted with over a month ago. "Brian still hasn't called?"

"Are you kidding? If I didn't need to be around me in order to live, I wouldn't call me either." I say sadly.

"Gee, Em, I'm sorry,"

"It was like verbal vomit, it just kept coming up and coming up and then, there it was, all over the floor and only me left to clean it up."

"Ew," Susan snatches the check out from under my hand. "Bad example, Em." She says as she wrinkles her nose. "Lunch is on me today. I can't believe you waited two whole weeks to tell me this."

"Well, I kind of hoped it would blow over, you know?"

"I think you opened Pandora's box, honey. It's not going to blow over." she says sweetly and I drop my head onto my arms on the table, wishing, once again, that the world would end.

***

"No," I say as I roll my eyes. "Look, just drop me off here, okay?"

A blind date. Yeah, that will solve all my problems. And this sleaze...remind me that my co-workers do not know me and therefore could never pick the right guy for me.

"Fine, babe, your loss," he says as he swerves over to the curb and slams his brakes.

"Yeah, I'm sure I'll be crying for weeks," I mumble as I step out into the steady downpour umbellaless. "Mind loaning me your umbrella, Prince Charming?" I ask snidely.

I never knew a person could throw the finger and slam a door at the same time. Imagine my surprise.

***

No taxi's, no hope of any redemption in the endless rain that I find myself traipsing through in high heels and a knee-length skirt. At least I have a jacket on, although it's velvet and therefore officially ruined.

Deciding that I was totally being spit upon from above, I choose to sit on a bench and wait for the bus. Do the busses even run after nine?

"Emily?" Kill me. Kill me now.

***

I can't even bear to look at him. Of course, it doesn't help that he showed up with an umbrella over his head and a smile on his handsome face while I looked like a drowned rat still in the process of drowning. He loves me, he loves me not.

"Thanks for the ride, Brian," I say softly as I try not to look too miserable in his Lexus.

"It's just a good thing that I was working late. The busses don't run after nine, you know?" he asks as he easily maneuvers through the rain. "So, are you going to tell me what you were doing out in the rain tonight?"

"No,"

"Why not?" he asks with what sounds like genuine perplexity.

"Because I don't want to tell you," I snap and frown. "Sorry."

"Stop apologizing to me," he says softly and silence reigns again. I can't believe I messed up our relationship with one sentence. I sigh.

"Okay," he says and he makes a left on Elm, which, I know, is where his apartment is. "You're coming to my place so we can deal with this..." He pauses, searching for the right word.

"Elephant." I supply as I slouch in the seat, feeling like a twelve-year-old caught ditching.

He laughs and I shiver from the thrill it brings. He turns up the heat. "Elephant," he mumbles and shakes his head.

I truly want to die.

***

I'm wearing one of his old T-shirt’s and a pair of joggers. I didn't even know Brian owned joggers.

"Coffee?" he calls from the kitchen.

"No," I mutter, not caring if he hears me or not. Suddenly, his apartment isn't comfortable and welcoming. It's like a prison cell that I can't even dream of escaping any time soon. He brings two steaming cups and hands me one. "I said no."

"I heard you," he says as he sits in the lazy boy and looks at me looking at the cup in my hands.

"I was lying," I say, grasping at straws.

"That's why I brought you a cup," he says.

I'm momentarily confused. "No, Brian. I was lying the other time."

"I'm sure you weren't," Brian says softly. "Look at me, Em."

Yeah, right. "Okay, so I wasn't lying but, I mean, I can deal with it, you know. I have been, after all. Dealing with it."

"What?"

"I mean, I've known for years that I had feelings for you and no one was the wiser, right? I mean, you had no idea, right?" I feel him sit beside me and I begin to shake, hot coffee splashing over the rim of the mug and burning my hands.

"Here," he whispers as he takes the cup from me and now I'm staring at the table. Look anywhere but at him, Emily. You can do this. Be strong, for sobbing out loud, you're acting like a schoolgirl.

And suddenly, I am sobbing out loud. I'm doing the deep, belly sobs that I save only for the privacy of my room. I cover my face with my hands and let it all go, no restraint. I love him! How can things ever be the same? I've ruined everything!

"You haven't ruined everything," he murmurs and my heart stops.

"Oh, no!" I wail.

He closes his arms around me and pulls me against his chest. He smells like Old Spice and peppermint, so sexy. I cry harder.

"I know you didn't mean to say that out loud but you seem to have been having that problem lately." He whispers into my hair. "My sweet Emily."

And I allow his arms and voice to comfort me.

***

"Emily!" My mom is standing in the doorway of my house, waving excitedly. I glance over at Brian.

"I called her," he says.

"And told her what? That I bawled like a baby?" I snap as I reach for the handle. I had stayed the night at Brian's. Unlike me, he never lets me sleep on his couch. I always get to kick him out of his room and sleep in his comfortable bed. Last night, however, was different.

He stayed with me, holding me, talking to me, bringing up forgotten things in our friendship, crooning me to sleep. In my fogged brain I thought I heard 'I love you' whispered a few times but I was a sobbing mess and, well, desperately hopeful.

His hand closes around mine, preventing me from escaping. "Didn't you listen to a word I said last night?" he asks.

"I was, in case you don't remember, sobbing like a mad woman. Look at my eyes," I say, though I have no intention of looking at him in order for him to do so.

"I said I love you. I love you, Emily. Egad, woman, you seem to be the only one that I have ever been attracted to." he says, as he uses his free hand to turn my face toward him. I look deeply into his green eyes and feel warmth flood my face. "I love you."

He captures my mouth with his and kisses me. I don't kiss and tell but it was greater than I imagined. I officially believe that all can be forgotten in the arms of the one you love. I surely forgot everything in Brian's embrace.

***

So, there you have it. In a month, my life was turned from dreary, daily zombie to turmoil and frustration and, ultimately, love. Who would have thought that Brian and I would be together as more than friends.

And, as Hollywood tends to show, the best relationships are the ones that start out as friends. I believe it.

Of course, I'm just a hopeless romantic.