Random review
Talk about a surprise ending! This story really draws us to the sharp contradiction in her feelings, protection versus discipline. Her leaning to self-sacrifice is barely set aside to stop him from getting worse. Cleanly written. Very well done. Compelling story. I have no recommendations for improvement.
Very entertaining. I kept waiting to see if he was an absent-minded genius or if they were an older couple beginning to face memory issues. You relayed a lot of info about this couple in a very short space, good job.
I would review punctuation just to be sure it's what you want.
Very good.
Pumpkin
You consistently choose words well. You use very good descriptions. You depict loneliness, longing, despair, hopelessness so well. Very well done. Keep up the good work.
A random review-
Excellent poem! Loved it. It rings as true as when you wrote it ten years ago. It rings a bell for someone my age and made me recall the evolution of jeans styles in my lifetime alone.
Your rhyme and rhythm are consistent and appealing.
Good job.
Pumpkin
Hi, Found this listed with the poetry newsletter.
Great poem. I really enjoyed it. It's picturesque. I especially liked "hear the drumbeat of our dancing feet". It helped me to "see" it and almost feel like I was there. We need to see more with Native American influence.
Thanks. Best wishes.
Just a random review. I believe you're relatively new, so I'd like to point out that this is not meant to be offensive or hurtful. But I would like to give you an honest response as an average reader.
I notice this is a recent post, so it just needs some editing to clean it up.
Several times you use "their" instead of "there", like the 7th line and others. On the next line, you write the "forest are"; "are" requires a plural subject, so add an s to forest.
The line about war should be "there are" since "scars" is plural.
I had a little trouble with the "Never standing as a flock" because the short line length didn't blend in with the rest, and the idea of man either being a mob or a unique individual hasn't been addressed. Then the reference to the Israelites complaining in the desert came out of nowhere, and I didn't get it. That could be just me, so don't be offended.
Aside from those two lines, which could be just me as I said, I thought you presented a great message and had wonderful imagery.
Best wishes to you.
Hi, It appears that you're kind of new here, so please, take this as a simple and impersonal review.
Your poem tells a very sad story and gives an important message. It's short, but has a lot of drama.
Your form is fine; your rhyme is good. I see no spelling or punctuation errors.
Very interesting. Fun trying to decipher the repeats before reading the notes. Despite the game aspect of it, I could feel the pain of sweltering the heat and feeling like the repairman will never get there. I always love reading your poems.
This came up in Read & Review.
Overall, a good poem.
A couple of technical things: 'body and soul', typing of and.
In the third from the bottom line, "there" not their.
The fourth from the bottom seems a little wordy and hard to understand. It kind of interferes with the nice rhythm you have going on the rest of the way.
Keep up the good work. It's hard to compress so much feeling into as few words as possible and do so artistically, which poetry does. You are well on your way.
Best wishes.
Read and review:
You just wrote this, and already it's on the review cycle.
Nicely written, good rhyme. Very pleasant thought from a tender hearted poet.
Good job.
Very cute story. You described a cat very well. The squirrels and raccoons eat my birdseed. They also mess up the deck. The deer eat the shrubs and the tulips. My cat only watches, too.
Lovely story from a different point of view. Well done.
Read and Review popped this up. Just a friendly reaction here. Good story, just needs some technical attention.
Guess you're not a Patriots fan. Sounds like a joke my brother would tell.
The beginning is a little murky. Since this is being disguised as a story, you might want to make minor changes. In the first paragraph, maybe you could say "over who had owned what" or "who would get what". Just pare it down a bit. Don't use more words than necessary when doing comedy.
In the second paragraph, the second sentence could be cleaned up a bit but add "him" after "of". You don't want a dangling preposition.
Very funny. Cute ending. Good potential for comedy writing. Keep up the good work. I see you're kind of new here. Hope you find it rewarding.
Very funny and clever. I did think the wife was being too easy on him, but I didn't suspect that she was in on it.
Cleanly written, and a surprise ending. Well done.
Interesting story. I wondered why it was taking so long to fully wake, since there were "cool" rain drops, but the medicine explains it. A surprise ending for sure.
Funny ending. I did feel like the mention of "peace" in the last half was out of place. A lot of scary things had been happening and intense feelings, too. My thought was, "What peace?" Maybe another word would fit there.
Otherwise, nicely done.
Scare on.
Random read.
Great story. Only some technical things to point out.
Your should be "you're". Commas in front of "too" and "Sweety".
Nice story. I read it on Mother's Day, very appropriate.
Pumpkin
Excellent job. I hear what you're saying. It sucks to be old. However, we have lived through an exciting time in history and have seen a lot of things. And life may never be this great again. We were the lucky ones.
Thanks for the trinket. And a very merry Christmas to you, too.
I had never heard the atheist theory before. It was always just referred to as the rushed version in my background. I prefer to spell it out, too.
However, just for reference, the Greek cross was an X, not a t like the Roman cross. At least one of the disciples was crucified on an X style cross. So the Christians have defeated the atheists in seeing that X as a look towards Easter. We are reminded that the Nativity is made complete in the Cross, the death and resurrection. The atheist can't do anything to hurt a true believer.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Nicely written.
Hi,
When you edit it, a few success doesn't sound write. How about "some success"?
Drop the 'you' in the 4th from the bottom line.
Cute poem. Great attitude. Cheery and upbeat.
Hi, random review.
Very cute story. I didn't catch on immediately they were kids, but figured they must be before you told us. It just shows where inspiration can come from, as well as how helpful reading can be to one's worldly education.
There's one really long sentence where Tanner explains about believable stories. It could use a few commas between phrases.
A very nice complete story in a very short space.
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