Hey Octavius,
I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 9th WDC Anniversary!
This is an interesting story you've written. I liked the plot, the flow of it, and the ending. I was thinking that the girl would end up being an 'ax murderer', and dispose of him in some way. Maybe the woods dwellers would eat any lasting evidence and hide it all.
However, as much as I enjoyed the story, there are some parts that didn't jive (for lack of a better word) for me. These are very minor, but it makes the flow of the story seem non-realistic.
In the early paragraphs of the story, David is walking through the forest. It doesn't make sense to me that a man on his way to work with a nine-o'clock clock-in time would detour through a forest like this. At the end of the story, he's fired for being late. That's a bit odd, very odd. Unless he's a poor performer, or habitually late, being late this one day would not cause him to be fired.
If David is hanging upside down, suspended in the air so-to-speak, how did he spin around when the girl first spoke? It's wording such as this that detracted from the story overall. Again, these are very minor, I'm pointing out details here. There are a few other areas you may want to look at, should you decide to edit this.
1. Well, that’s Life I guess. Life should be lower case
2. I’ll never hear the end of it.
Weak, dizzy and helpless, David did the one thing he knew would help him in this situation. The hard carriage return here should be a soft one.
3. “OH no, I’m going to be late!” He says, running his hand through his well-groomed bush. “I’m going to get fired if I don’t contact them. This is your fault!” This is not indented like the other paragraphs. Plus, using the word bush here doesn't sound quite right. Maybe something like 'well groomed mop of hair?'
This is a nice story, it flows well, but doesn't make sense in some areas. I loved the ending, I found it to be appropriate, and was a nice touch. It's a good read, well worth anyone's time. Thank you for sharing!
Sum1
WDC POWER RAIDER
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