I like the way you've started off with a character so deeply and selflessly committed to another person, enough so that they'd sacrifice so much of themself, and then you seamlessly move along to their confrontation with reality and the scar it leaves them with.
There's definitely a lesson to be learned in this.
Interesting poem. I've often contemplated the bizarre games and experiments we conduct with the minds of our loved ones, and whether there's any purpose in them. I think it's all part of developing as humans, for what it's worth.
This was a great, thoughtful piece. Very well worded.
I can honestly say this is like nothing I've ever read before! Congratulations.
You've actually simulated the experience of walking through an art gallery. Not by describing the motions but by providing the same sensory overload of mind-clearing contradictions, wild ideas and ambiguous suggestions.
The best part is, I'm going to read this again in a few days and I'm sure my impression of it will be totally different. Great work.
Hey, I totally get the message of this poem/rap which is that self-expression is sometimes all we have so I'm going to feel like a dick picking it apart but hopefully it'll help you cultivate your talent in the long run.
I get that rhyme is number one when you're rapping, but some of the lines just don't make a lot of sense. "feel the peace rise up to your knees" is one example. Peace and knees sound similar, but how many people have tense ankles and shins?
And "nesting" means getting comfortable somewhere so, while it rhymed, which is great, it didn't fit in with the stuff you were saying about being restless and frustrated at all.
Again, I really hope this comes across as constructive. I'm just not one of those reviewers who takes the GPs, doesn't read the work and leaves kisses and cuddles as feedback.
All great points. I'm not college educated but I've studied poetry and picked up the above facts before - Still, it really is useful to be reminded now and then.
Cliches kill the feeling like thinking of your mother kills sex, and telling some-one you're sad isn't poetry, it's telling some-one you're sad.
One thing, though. Did you mean to write: "I meant to write that on purpose"? (As opposed to meaning to write it by accident?) I couldn't figure out if you were being double clever. Either way, my irony monitor exploded.
I really liked this. There are a lot of poems about loneliness and low self-esteem around here and most of them don't really stimulate the mind or find a new way to express their message, but this one really got my attention. It was clever.
I reall respect your inquisitive, thinkative nature. I think you have the beginnings of a good poetic handle on the English language.
I would, however, encourage you to think more about the message everything you write. This poem would have been more enjoyable if it had an evident point.
I gave this a 5 because it seems to carry a very important message (Am I tight in assuming that it's written about war?).
I do think you could work on the way you utilise words in your writing. You had a constant rhyme going there, but I felt that the words could have done a better job at expressing your point if you'd sacrificed some of the rhythm.
Interesting piece of reading. i agree that writers shouldn't change or water down their work to fit a mould; it's really just a matter of finding the right audience. I also agree that being published shouldn't be a writer's prime goal. An artist can't be 100% true to his art if he's trying to please a specific crowd.
Although I would point out that art which can appear to hold only entertainment value can be just as important for the development of a human being as something with a political message in it; they can give us an insight into human nature, for example.
The most interesting thing about this poem was that it seems so open to interpretation. I'm not sure if that was your intention, but it made for intriguing reading anyhow.
The message I extracted was that fear will leave you alone if you ignore it, whether there's cause to be afraid or not.
This is a sad poem, but I think more importantly it was beautiful and it was truthful. I got a real sense of the love and care you have for the individual it's about and, for me, that was the shining aspect of the writing.
Very colourful and rich imagery. Great job, and thanks for sharing.
What I like about this poem is that it's very open to interpretation.
With lines like: "When the mighty ring the bell." and "When the trumpet blows." I imagined that it might have been about war, but I couldn't be certain.
Either way, you have a very lively writing style and you can't go wrong with a message like 'Challenge the unknown.'
This was an interesting piece to read. You did a great job at keeping the rhyme and rhythm neat and tidy, it was about a topic which most of us can relate to on some level so it touched my heart, and the twist at the end was a real suprise.
Good point. I've always felt that more attention needs to be paid to words and how we affect others by what we say, especially in an age where everything's so impersonal and impressing is held more importantly than engaging.
This poem was less slow and seductive than your others - I liked it. There was still that darkly erotic element that your poetry has, but you proceed more quickly into an active description, that of the creature's transformation.
I was just discussing the eerie effects of Autumn with another member!
Nice poem, I like the deeply questioning tone. It's true that the electric feeling Autumn brings to the air can't really be defined as positive or negative, only powerful. Thanks for sharing!
I'm so sorry to read about your grief, and you have my hopes and wishes that your heart will heal one day.
This was a very weighty poem, and I felt that you delivered its punchline and message with perfect timing, so as to give the reader the full impact of your story.
Write on, and warm wishes.
B
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