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Review of BLACK COCKATOOS  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello again, meg

The title pulled me into this one. *Smile*

I enjoyed this read, and I enjoyed the story of old wives tale wove into it. I don't know what the 'funny old tree' looked like, but I can imagine. I love nature, especially the odd and different.

For a more complete, technical review, be sure and post your work on a few review forums. Ask for technical feedback from poets and you'll get lots of readers.

As a reader, I liked it the way it is.

Well done!


esprit

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Review of The Dead Sisters  
Review by esprit
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Hello, nicholls

I found your request for serious feedback on "Please Review" 

The lurching shoulders of hill that huddled around the shallow valley where they had set up camp the previous night were dull and silent;

Was there only one hill? If so, use the word --the- hill--

I had trouble visulizing a 'lurching hill' since lurching shows movement of a roll or pitch. The hill wasn't moving, was it?

Hills are obviously silent. This pulled me from the story.

Also, this actually says the hill set up camp. I suggest a rewrite for clarity here.

Shirley Parker had to look twice at his wrist watch to make sure his eyes weren’t playing games again.

There are many references to things that happened that the reader is never made aware of, and it becomes a bit confusing to me.

which gave him an impression of what roasted bones of a victim caught in a fire would look like.

Is this character an extra morbid person, or did something cause him to think of this? It seems a odd thing for him to be thinking without a reason.

Thirst was taking over again. Dehydration was, after all, the cause of the hallucinations he had experienced earlier.

Shirley’s memory was sketchy

The readers would like to know what these were. They sound interesting.

I think he's jumping to dehydration too quickly. He sounds like he's been out of water for at least four days, when it's only been overnight.

Dean screwed up, so Darren can fix
A typo of the name.

Dean screwed up, so Darren can fix up. Simple as that.

A bump that could be smoothed by changing to --it--

Not gonna happen. Shirley thought, but kept it to himself.
I told you there wouldn’t be a creek around this area for at least a mile.

Continuation problem. He didn't tell him this out loud. He'd kept it to himself.

It wasn’t until the pair of them had journeyed a mile or so into the shroud thick forest and began an attempt to set up base camp that they realized Darren had misplaced the Camel Pak, thus their only water supply.

Believability. I wondered why they didn't walk back to their car instead of chancing becoming lost in the forest. They could have at least discussed it to make the 'why' of their decision known to the readers.

he would take both their water bottles

Believability. They'd only walked a mile, why were their bottles empty already? Wouldn't they make sure they were full before beginning?

tent he hummed a tune that Shirley couldn’t quit pick,

I believe this is meant to be a hint of mystery for the readers to catch, but it is never expanded upon. What is its importance?

When Darren Alford – the one of pure flesh and blood

Who was the apparition? Clarity for the readers is needed.

hole in the ground
person standing at the edge of the cave.

I can't vision a cave like this. Most caves are in the side of the mountain or hill. To be standing at its edge would be impossible if its a hole in the ground, wouldn't it?

He sat and waited.
And waited.

Why didn't he go back to the car and get help, or search?

The title leads the reader to believe the sisters will play a major part in the story, but they don't.

Strange events are not shown. I see a scared boy with an attitude toward his friend, becoming lost too easily. I had the idea they were experienced hikers, but they aren't. I don't think they are even friends. I suggest building up their personalities more so the readers will know them better, and understand.

What I can't figure out is why they stayed when their car was only a mile away.

The idea is good, and with more solid details it will be a good story. It isn't believable as it is now, but it has some good points. I hope you keep working on it to bring it to life. Instead of hinting at strange events and hallucinations, show them.

I hope this helps.

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Review by esprit
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello, Captain Chaos

Welcome to Writing.Com!

The sea shined brightly with glowing red

Do you think --shone-- would sound better?

Cody reached for it with his fingers, obeying an urge to run his fingers through the muck

I suggest cutting the first bolded phrase because it's obvious he would reach with his fingers. Cutting it would also avoid the repeating of the word -fingers- so closely. Leave the second.

He jerked his hands away sharply,

These words are redundant and cause wordiness. They mean the same thing in this context. --sharply--could be cut easily and still say the same thing.

anger

At the end, this word was suddenly used six times in one paragraph. It became too noticeable and pulled me from the story. Once is enough, then be creative with the others.

Cody didn't see why it was such a big deal, because he was fairly small and a bit shy around people he did not know, but it seemed to Cody that his parents thought it would be a disaster if their son ever lost his temper.

This para is out of place (for me). It's trying to give a hint of something to be brought out later I think, but I didn't see any evidence his parents were concerned about 'disaster'. I would cut this and put it in as it's needed, when the right time comes. This scene is a normal household scene with no undercurrents of mystery.

The circuit breaker box was located in the spare bedroom in the basement, right above a crawl space entrance in the closet. It took Jason a minute to work his way down the steep basement stairway, through the mass of toys piled in the play room, and into the spare bedroom. He opened the closet, moved aside their spare rain gear, opened the circuit breaker box, and turned---turn-- off the power to Cody's bathroom, leaving Cody in the dark, and in silence.

There is quite a long step-by-step here that may or may not be part of the main story. Is it all needed? 'Lists' are easy to fall back on when we write, but they are very wordy pieces. Readers don't really care about all this. I suggest to keep it tight and make every word count. This is a funny scene and it made me laugh, (as a parent) I loved it. I got lost though, trying to picture a breaker box above the crawl space. My crawl space is in the ceiling, and would require a ladder to reach. My breaker box is on the wall, underneath the ceiling. So, as a safety measure, a breaker box should be easy to get to. I suggest cutting as much of the bolded phrases as you can. Make it tight so you don't lose the readers.

"Daaaaaaaad!!!!" Screamed Cody.

One exclamation point is enough. You really don't need the name tag here. Readers will know who is saying this and that he is screaming. They don't need to be 'told'.

He just just started cleaning up Cody's toys, as if nothing was wrong.

a typo only. There are a couple others you will find as you proofread. You're not ready to edit yet, so I didn't spend time on them.

That embarassing little lycanthropy problem

If this is the complete first chapter, I don't understand this phrase. There is nothing here that fits this statement.

I figure getting off to a good start is the most important part of the story. So, if page 1 works, the rest will hopefully follow naturally.

Actually, I suggest writing the entire story first. Get it all down and then you can rewrite the opening to fit the story. Things often change, and revisions are always done.

This doesn't give the reviewer much to comment on. The plot isn't set yet. I assume the setting will change, and the character will be older for the main story.

If this is a prologue of sorts, I think the dream is more important than the music, and more time should spent there. I wonder if he will eventually remember the dream? Did he have the dream only once? It doesn't seem to be important, and yet, it is very important to the future world.

These are only suggestions. *Smile*

It's looking good and I look forward to seeing where you take it.

Well done!


esprit

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Review by esprit
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello, OzzySureAs

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is a fun and easy to understand read. It holds humor and creative thoughts. The scene is clear and I was able to visulize Mr. Yippish in my mind. You're a creative writer with a good imagination. Keep on practicing and writing these short pieces, they're good for you - and fun to read.

Enjoy the site!

esprit

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Review of Satisfaction  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (2.0)
Hello, Tee

Welcome to Writing.Com!

You've a pretty good beginning draft here that needs a little work to be finished.

I found the all capital writing to be difficult to read, and the double space between each line doesn't present a nice clean page. If you do a search of the poetry pages you'll get a idea of how poetry are laid out.

OUT U CANT HURT ME U CANT

Chat speak has its place, but serious writing isn't one of them. It doesn't attract readers as well.

GROWN U DONT EVEN NO
Spelling is --know--

I'M OVER U
I WALK PASS U IN LOOK U IN YOUR EYEZ

--past--you--
I can only guess if --IN--is intended to say --and--
--eyes--

I'M WALKING PASS U

The trouble with writing in chat speak is we forget how to properly spell. *Smile*

If you decide to edit this piece, let me know and I will come back and raise the rate.

For a thorough review on the poetry aspect, post your work on a few review forums and ask for feedback from poets.

A good beginning - enjoy the site!

esprit

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Review by esprit
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello, 123billp

Welcome to Writing.Com!

I had a bit of trouble finding and following the basic theme. Going from 'Nobel Peace Prize' to problems of the French at the World Cup Final was confusing to me.

I also found the piece difficult to read without spaces between each paragraph. Blocks of text don't decipher well on monitors or paper. Both need paragraphs.

Accountability Transference”. I believe whole books have been written about it, and the Whitehouse uses this technique on almost a daily basis.

The jump from 'accountant' to 'accountability' left me confused and wondering what the real theme is.
You forgot to qualify this by clarifying 'most likely to happen when a Democrat is in residence'.

I believe with more time and thought put into the delivery and relevance of each line, this would be humourous. As it is now though, it jumps around and doesn't give the reader a chance to hook onto any one subject long enough to see the humor.

There is time spent on what Materazzi said to Zidane to get him to lower his head. The scene is clear and you've told it well. I just can't relate it to the title.

I suggest you add 'political' to the genres.

I was unable to find the main theme or humor. Clarity would help fix that, or perhaps I'm just not a part of the intended audience. That happens too.

Enjoy the site, and keep on writing.

esprit

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Review by esprit
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, Solon

Welcome to Writing.Com!

I was hesitate to read this piece because of the brief description, but was pleasantly surprised to find a fair opinion - finally. I enjoyed the read, and agree with it.

stickers, lisence plates,
We need to straiten
him out

Spelling is --license--and --straighten--

"Good job Chris"

I would have liked to know who this was. Is it you, the author?

Enjoy the site!

esprit

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Review of Turning Forty  
Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello, SydneyWriter

I found your request for serious feedback on "Please Review" 

The humor is strong and you've made this an interesting read. It held my attention well. The voice is nice to listen to - friendly.

bit late in the day?” Mrs. Darling giggled.“ I will have you remember that I once played Rugby”, I replied proudly. “That was many winters ago, and what about your bad back?” she quizzed.

Give each new speaker their own line. It's easier for the reader to know who is talking and it looks better, neater.

warm up those mussels

This word is used twice. Spelling is --muscles--

they were never comfortable with new arrangement.
The bump here is a missing word --the--

This is a humorous, well written, biography piece, and I enjoyed the read. With a little polishing it could be submitted to a magazine that deals with this genre.

Well done!



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Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello, southsidehcky

I found your request for serious feedback on "Please Review" 

I haven't read the first three chapters, so I can't comment on continuity.

This is good. It holds tension and mystery, and excitement is felt and heard in the dialog. It held my attention.

He was back home in the mountains with his parents, nestled away in the snow in a cottage.

This says the snow is in the cottage. Needs rewriting for clarity.

a boy would be born a slave with, well that mark on your leg, and when the country was at it’s weakest he would step up to restore power.”

“So I have to “restore power” to the country?”

He took this news too matter-of-factly, I think. Why isn't he surprised to find himself the figure of prophecy?

one step away from a complete mental breakdown. Tears streamed down his face, and anger swelled in him so fast that the rapid change of emotions made him sick. It was too much. He needed to get away from all of this. Just a week ago he was relatively normal, but now he could never go back.

This is good showing of his emotions.

Seth’s emotions were in control now. He was mad at Cass, at Clayton, the Emperor, and himself.

He managed to control his emotions too quickly. He went from being so angry he became ill, to just being 'mad'. I think it would be okay to show him ranting a little, unless his is a personality that always holds his emotions inside. Previous chapters may have addressed this.

sleeping was nearly gone now.

The sun had fully risen now.

This repeat is too close and is very noticeable to the reader. Try to cut one.

Seth was beginning to panic.
Cass

The next chapter may explain this, but I'm surprised Cass let him get so far away. I thought he would follow him.

It's coming along well. I noticed no big issues. Good work!

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Review by esprit
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, paloalto

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This deserves a Wow! For the writing, for the very visual scene and for the emotion. I find nothing technically wrong with this one and it deserves this rate of 5. It's very well written. Good luck in the contest, and be sure and keep using contests, win or not. They are good practice. *Delight*

It's a great title, it was the hook that caused me to read it.
Well done!


esprit

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Review of The Ugly American  
Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello, Kalynda

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is an interesting piece.

The writing is good. It is emotional and causes emotion in the reader. The tone and the theme impressed me as a narrator who definitely does not want to be known as, or associated with, anything American. He finds everything American to be embarrassing and something to be ashamed of. You showed that well. It could be a humorous satire if it wasn't written in a serious tone. If it is intended to be humourous, the narrator is going to have to 'lighten up' a little. IMO.

Some things I noticed.

encouraging us to be ambassadors to our country

I'm confused here unless this is meant as the humor. The narrator did everything possible to not show any American qualities, thus being a poor ambassador.

when it means they ignore the tour guide and don’t even remember the building’s significance two weeks later? ---
I always refused to be a tourist;
I was determined to show her real European culture, one you couldn’t see from the window of a tour bus.

The narrator is condeming the American for ignoring the tour guide while actively practicing the act himself. I find this to show a truer 'ugly american' arrogance than any choice of foods, and gives a contradictory message to the theme.

traditional, close-minded Catholic family
This is a judgmental, close-minded opinion that some of your readers might take offense of.

I had spent an entire year convincing these people that Americans aren’t so bad, and she completely destroys it with one meal.

You might want to expand on this. I don't understand how someone's food preference can undo a year's worth of convincing. Should she have lied and said she loved it, even if it made her ill? Why was food so important to this family? Why did so much, even the narrator's own reputation, depend so heavily on Caitlin?

I wanted to sink into the floor.
I had presumed that she had some “cultural awareness”
So you want hamburgers for dinner?

Hamburgers are a cultural thing, too. In some cultures. I have heard of visitors to America who order a good greasy hamburger first thing off the plane. *Smile*

It occurred to me during the last read, that the twist (the ironic humor) the reader is meant to comprehend is seen by placing the narrator as the title character - instead of the friend. If that's true, then the piece is seen in an entirely different way and works for me. You've done a good job of showing an anxious, 'appearance conscious' person trying to always do the politically correct thing and becoming completely undone by little things. The narrator is shown and can be seen as a small, nervous type whose eyes are never still. It's the fashion in today's PC world, to hate our own, though this may be exaggerated to show the irony. I hope.

I'm not sure which was intended to be the title character, this is only my impression.

No typos.

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Review of Half Moon  
Review by esprit
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Hello, nicholls

I found your request for serious feedback on "Please Review" 

I like this idea, it's pretty imaginative and you're showing your talent. The basic storyline is good. I'm commenting on things that pulled me from the story.

Lonnie was his back up pose which he labeled “The Pin-Down Boys;”

This word is here a couple of times and I'm not sure of its meaning. Did you intend to write --posse--?

Kurt Baxter took a quick gulp from the bottle, ignored the streams of Coke that dribbled down his chin, then adjusted his cap that sat loosely on his hair.

“If you don’t pay, then it’s a no show. I told you already.” He said.

I had trouble knowing who Kurt was. I finally figured out it was the boy with the coke, that was shown as a victim.

The first para is difficult to get through. I don't know who is who and it becomes annoying to a reader.

The young lad
From the kid’s point of view,
The kid, whose actual name was Lonnie Barn,

The first para is so important, you don't want any confusion there. That is your main hook.

The Pin-Down Boys

I like this label. I've not seen it used before, and it says clearly what they do.

The little s*** with the Adidas cap on had called his bluff, and now it was gonna cost him.

I suggest cutting this word for a tighter line. It isn't needed for clarity.

Kurt shuffled the money in his pocket then removed his hat
wiped his sweaty brow and replaced it( again with the cap).

--shuffled in his pocket--gives a different image than --stuffed into his pocket--would. They aren't the same thing.

The second bolded phrase is awkward. It sounds like he replaced his brow with the cap. Read it over to yourself and make it clear. Perhaps simply cutting --again with the cap--would fix it.

and what was the big deal about this thing that Lonnie raved about? It had made a girl from class flip out

Is this name correct? Lonnie doesn't know about the 'thing' yet.

As they walked, Joe and Nick, better known as the Pin-Down boys,

This is retelling something the readers already know. I suggest cutting it.

The interior of the house, Lonnie initially thought,

There were other factors about the room which they hustled into that were beginning to sink in. Nick’s face twitched as he entered, then his whole body seemed to shake quickly as if sparked with

Bled, Joe thought, what an unusual name

We are jumping from head to head and I never know who is thinking at any time. It becomes confusing when trying to keep everyone's thoughts straight. Try to show everything from one point of view if you can, or make it very clear when we jump to another head.

Lonnie shouted, alarmed to hear en element of fear in his voice.
Only a simple typo. *Smile*

Too be honest I’m not fully sure, but from what ----to--

Joe struggled to speak and felt drool dangle of his lips.

Lonnie was lying on his back with both with legs shaking violently on the floor.

They’ll be plenty of time for all that. Plenty of time indeed.”

Is this for cultural dialect or a typo of --There'll?

“How can we get there? Will be go by bus?” mumbled Nick

This is funny, but considering his condition - it's tragic. A good line.

They weren’t in a room any more; they had transferred to giant cage that

A missing --a--between these.

The scene isn't vividly clear to me. I think it's moving too fast to show clearly. The cage is an interesting bit and with more detail, it could be a great climax to the scene. I don't know how these boys changed during this time except to receive back some of what they may have been handing out for a while. Were they cruel boys?

I think building up Kurt's personality would make him more important. Who is he? Why did he choose these boys, and what about the girl? Is he out for vengence? There are questions that were never answered. Why is he such a stranger? Even his street is odd. What does the placement of his furniture have to do with it?

You've plenty of room to expand this and answer all the questions. I understand the 'down there' and the name of Lufica. Show the why and how.

This is a good beginning. If you use it as an outline and fill in the details it will be a more complete story.

As always, this is only one readers opinion. I hope it helps.


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Review of I Am the Kingdom  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, John Heartfield

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is well written. It reads easily. I wonder if I got the message you're giving though. I read another review that saw it differently than I do.

I am a Great Satanic blasphemy,
My own Infernal Majesty,
King of all things that I see.
I am all
And all is me.

For I am the Kingdom,
The power,
And the glory,
Forever and ever.
Amen.

I see this as Man making himself God. Man can truly do all these things, and does. Am I wrong? *Smile*

Thier lives ending;
typo of --their--

It's a thoughtful piece.
Well done!

esprit

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Review by esprit
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, Budroe

I found this item on the public review page, and the title caught my interest. *Delight*

You have expressed your ideas clearly and I am glad to say I agree with every one of them. I am sorry to see none of your reviews are presently posted publicly. I checked. *Smile* Public critiques can help more than one member, and many go there to soak up any tips they can find. Some are good tips and some are not, but we learn.

I did notice a typo of -critique-somewhere. The second -i- is missing.

This is written and presented very well, and I enjoyed reading it.
Well done!


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Review by esprit
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello, Magnolia

Welcome to Writing.Com!

I enjoyed this piece, the message is clear and inspirational. It reads smoothly.

I have a few suggestions only, and it's always your choice as the author to make any changes. Readers can only give their impressions and ideas. (other than technical issues, such as spelling) I noticed few of these. You're a good proofreader. *Smile*

With the help in advancements of modern technology, our society has become one

Try the word --from-- here and see how it sounds to you.

When we find ourselves having to wait

we find it so hard to patiently wait.

Try not to repeat a word or phrase too often, too closely. The word will pop out at the reader and draw them from the item. Sometimes it's needed but, usually it can be written without repeats so close.

in our re-
lationship with Him.

This looks like it was hyphened to fit on a typewritten page. Do you use a typewriter? I haven't seen these in years. *Smile* The line should wrap without using a hyphen when you post on the site.

due to the sotms and circumstances of life, --A typo--

We think that by God

quickly solving everything for us, there will be no need for us having to wait in

This sounds like he does solve everything. I suggest changing to make it clear he doesn't.

think -if- God... --solved--...--there -would- be no need...

God would like for us to learn some valuable lessons in patience while we are in

His waiting room

This bolded area could be cut safely without losing any clarity. The phrased is used quite often and loses some of its appeal.

Sometimes the best thing we can do is

to stay out of God's business and allow Him to handle things! Remember we need

God's help; He does not need ours.
I like these lines, they made me smile as I nodded in agreement.

transportation suddenly placed us in strained situation

A missing word --a--strained

The remainder of October and the beginning half of November tested our faith to the

max!

The exclamation is meant to show emotion, but the words don't. I think it would work as well with a period.

There were periods when I became so weary that I felt that God no longer heard

This is a good line that anyone will be able to relate to. To make it stronger, tighter - I suggest cutting the two bolded words. They are fillers only and not needed for clarity. Read the line without them to see what I mean. It's up to you.

my husband's friend and co-worker was kind

enough to give my husband a ride to and from work.

Since it is already known, the second bolded area could simply say --him--.

It looks like you've double spaced. It would look more attractive and finished with single spaces. Double spaces are needed between paragraphs only.

I enjoyed reading this piece and hope I've helped a bit. The tone of sincerity is heard and it's pleasant.
Enjoy the site. If you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask.

Well done!

esprit

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Review of NEW BEGINNINGS  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello, JC

I found your request for serious feedback on "Please Review" 

"If we're leaving we have to leave now!"

This is a good first line! It shows the urgency and the reader feels the excitement and is pulled in with wanting to read the story. Good job with a most important first hook!

"At least we know whats going to happen then. If we go to Eridani we have no idea whats going to happen when we get there, if we get there at all!"

Good emotion here, I like the tone a lot. Be aware of repeating words and phrases, they catch a reader's eye and pull them from the story. Try to change the wording in one. Something like, --At least we know what to expect here.--and leave the other as it is. Your decision.

"I know. But sense that accident last week,

Spelling is --since--, you have another further down. An easy way to find it is to use your 'Find' link in Edit on your browser. Enter the word with the wrong spelling and hit find. It'll find it for you.

i'm beginning to
Always capitalize the --I--unless it's inside another word.

not for the glory or prestege

--prestige

dreamers, or even con-men. Even after most were gathered and the plans were underway, the
The first bolded word could be cut safely without losing clarity to avoid wordiness and repeating.

because they didn't want to loose control.
--lose--there is one or two more of these.

they
the government opposed them, branding them as renegades trying to do harm, because
Then they started talking to people.

That's why "The 10," as they were called now,

I assumed 'they' were the government at first, since the earth was over-populated. Who is this group and how did they get to this point with the government opposing them?

Now, finaly, they were ready to go and many
--finally--there are a couple of these.

seemed to be loosing faith in the dream they

hopefully at the beggining of the growing season.
--beginning--

"Give her the gas, Jeff."

Still using gas, eh?
I like the sound of this line. It's simplicty gives it its strength. They are on their way, and it's exciting. *Smile*

left the solar system.

Wow. I really wonder what they will find. I look forward to the next chapter.

You're doing good with this. It's pretty tight and reads well. The short, clipped lines at the beginning show their excitement and fear well. You've done a good job keeping the reader interested.

Well done!


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Review of String Boy  
Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello, schwestertulip

I found your request for serious feedback on "Please Review" 

Oh my goodness, what a talent you are. I am absolutely silenced. My heart is about to burst. I've nothing but praise for this one, schwestertulip. I will catch my breath and show you some typos, but the story is perfect.

The tension is strong, and it keeps building after I think it can't go on. The lines are tight, but there is a bit of wordiness. I will point out a few words that can be removed safely to tighten even more. It's always your choice, but the tighter the line, the stronger the tension.

The characters are all perfection. They are alive, believable and horrible. There is realism in each scene to pull the reader on. Emotion. Woo! I love to read a good story!

Why has this been posted almost a year with no reviews? That's what the review forums are for!

Now, the other stuff.

boy picked up his backpack
groped for a piece of string he had stuck in his backpack earlier before he left the house.

Be aware of repeating words too closely because they slow the read down. Readers began to notice them and are taken from the story. The second --backpack--could be removed by substituting --it--or --there--or --the pocket--.

that allowed anyone to clearly see how abstract he looked, how one could easily fit a quarter on its side in between his toothy spaces.

This isn't a clear visual. Is he missing teeth or only have wide spaces between them? Is the quarter (size of space) on its side or standing on its edge?

Lovely, look at what I have brought for you,” he caressed to the air around him.

This is awkward sounding. Try removing the --to--maybe?

A photograph peaked out from the pocket where String Boy always kept his string. It twitched as the

Spelling is --peeked--

He grinned and motioned his head for her to look at the seat across from them where the boy with the string sat. His crow-like eyes contrasted

It isn't readily clear that these two --he's--are different people.

began to rise with a fogy haze blurring it out.

--foggy--


Manni looked at her in dismay and shrugged. Their attention was suddenly drawn to the boy.

Since their attention was already on the boy, I suggest adding a qualifier here. --drawn back to the boy--? Maybe?

The blond boy paid them no heed, his eyes twinkled with pride as he murmured, “my Lovely, look what I have found for you.”

It was about here that I began to tire of reading 'the blond boy', but it was soon forgotten as the tension increased. I don't know if the repeating helped with the tension or not. I suspect it did. I didn't stay annoyed. *Smile*

The bus groaned and rattles as it came to the first bus stop.

--rattled--would sound better. --bus--could be cut, it isn't necessary for clarity.

the blond haired boy took notice and reeled it back in. “No,” he said firmly trying to tug it back, “It is my present for Lovely,” he said in a smaller voice, “I found it.”

This boy has taken all my sympathy. I can see and hear him so well.

They shouted back a few obscene things, skipping around jeering at him until all interest was lost and they proceeded to walk down the shabby streets to their houses together.

This sentence is too busy and convoluted, I think. It says too many things. I suggest rewriting the bolded as another sentence so it'll be clearer and easier to read.

She was being lead up to the house by String Boy, through a hatched screen door,

Spelling is --led--and should this be --latched--?

Not shortly after she felt a tug at the end of the noose she was holding. “Let me show you my Lovely,”

This is unclear. --not shortly--?

quietly meowed. “Shhh,” he hissed, “Mama can’t know you’re hear, you’re not allowed.”

--here--

He then motioned to get a wade of something from his pocket. It was a bundle of yellow yarn.

--wad--

“Is there anything else?” the fogy eyed boy looked up hopefully.
--foggy--

“How do you expect me to knit with it now, look at it, it is all frayed?” The ball of yarn was a yellow matted mess

Remove the question mark here. I think it would work better after --now?-- Make another sentence with --Look at it,--what do you think?

window she saw a patch of blue sky peaking behind the chaos as the bus rounded the hill

--peeking--

While you're in edit, hit the enter key after each paragraph to leave a space between them. The page is difficult to read when the text is all squished together. Also, place dialog on it's own line too - with space between each new speaker. It makes a neater looking page.

Oh! The scene with the brown haired girl and her visions was absolutely wonderfully done. Perfect!

Let me know when you've finished editing and I'll be glad to raise my rate. This is definitely a 5. You don't have to take my suggestions on anything but the spelling and spaces; the rest is always up to the author. Okay?

I think you've done a wonderful job with this story and I'm sorry you had to wait so long to have it read. It can't be found though, if it stays in your port. Use several review forums - often.

Well done!


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Review of Alone with Lana  
Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello, ellis

I found your request for serious feedback on "Please Review" 

What a talent you have! This is excellently written.

She'd lost her prayer kapp again, and didn’t bother chasing.

The opening paragraph set the mood at once and this reader was hooked. I could feel her hopelessness though I didn't know what caused it yet. I knew it was serious. Well done!

It is intense all the way through. The lines are tight and natural - like a movie. There is no problem with clarity at all, for me. Her shy innocence shows well. There is no obvious 'telling' or wordiness. The story details are shown with wonderful clarity without having to 'tell' the readers what is actually happening, or ever naming it. Good work!

I wondered what the argument was about in the hall though. That they were prepared for her is shown by the items on the table, so the argument is a niggling, distracting mystery. I still wonder.

The ending shows her heartbreak through her imaginative posing. Pretending that she is elsewhere, someone else. It's believable and I was totally brought into her world for a moment. You've done another excellent piece of writing. If it didn't have a ribbon already, I would have sent you one.

alone to on the most diffiuclt day of her life.
This is the brief description line. Delete --to-- and --difficult--is a typo.

Well done!

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Review of Meet Tad Solomon  
Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello, X-STaTIC_PRo=cESS

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is a wonderful, emotional piece of writing! The imagery and emotion are right out in front urging the reader to see and feel what this character is feeling. Good writing!

I only wish more care was given to the presentation - it's important too, to catch a reader's eye. (and an editor)

Capitals and punctuation; spaces between paragraphs, these all improve the look and give out a positive energy to entice the reader. A messy page doesn't invite a reader to have a look.

to be fulfilled isn't about what is happening on the outside, it's about what i feel. i will choose happiness,

This message deserves to be read and enjoyed, it deserves an attractive page.

I noticed no typos or spelling errors.

Well done!

esprit

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Review of Sam The Plumber  
Review by esprit
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello, Sammy Z

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is a fun one to read. It's written well with no technical issues that I noticed. The rhythm and rhyme are consistent which is always a pleasure. Good work!

The humor gave me a smile. The time clock stopped when the coffee was poured though. Well done!

esprit

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Review by esprit
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello, Sebak the Setite

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is a large man, isn't he? You've got a good beginning to his description, but I suggest you fill in his personality so readers will know who he is inside. This shows his size and clothing only.

how could this man be one of them? His tattoos are the only things that seem to even hint at a beast like demeanor

Maybe the man just wanted to be cool when he was younger and regrets the decision now.

Do you notice how you're making a mystery of him, as if this is a part of the story? Character descriptions should show the inside of the man. The way he thinks, and what makes him do the things he does. Characters usually have two sides, a good and a bad, just like real people. Character descriptions are useful for the author to get to know the character well, not written for the readers. The author needs to know how the character will react in any situation. Is he naturally bad, but with a sense of humor? (I'm referring to his jokes)

His clothing is not him, though I see it is a part of his personality. But, it will be changed periodically, his personality will always be there and should show through. Who is this man to you, the author? What are his dreams and desires?

At first he sounded as if he was of a long ago era, but then I see he is of today's culture. He also sounds like he could be a 'gentle giant', but I'll have to wait for the story. It's a good beginning, just build him up to bring him to life for you, so he will be alive in the story for the readers.

I like his name and title, they intrique me. I wonder what a Setite is. Good choices.

esprit

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Review of Ice Cream  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello again, susie nook

I noticed you'd posted another piece and wanted to see what you said about ice cream. *Smile*

This is well written and the lines read pretty smoothly. I liked the imagery your words showed. It's a fun read and I think with a tiny bit of tightening it would be perfect, especially for kids. It's fun to read and kids like fun. I can't suggest how to tighten, but poets can. Why don't you post it on a few review forums and see what happens?

It's good and definitely worth working on.

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Review of A Morning Visitor  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, Toby

I found this item by randomly roaming and the brief description caught my interest.

I greatly enjoyed this read. It felt real and was definitely believable. I felt as if I were spying along with the visitor. The emotion left me a bit sad for the visitor and happy for the others. I believe the visitor was relieved too. We want those we love to be happy, whoever they're with. You captured that feeling well.

I like the repeating of the phrase of the 'blue house'. It reinforces the thought that the visitor knows what he is missing, and it's too late for them.

Well done!

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Review by esprit
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Prue

Welcome to Writing.Com!

What a great begining! I liked this, it reminds me of Alice in Wonderland without Alice. *Smile* It reads well and the imagery shows the scene well. There is no hint given as to what these characters are, and that only adds to the fun. They are full of energy and I get the impression they cause harmless havoc wherever they go. I think I'm going to like them.

backpack and brushed her clothes of before examining the scene ahead of her. At this point

This is the only typo I noticed.

Good work!

esprit

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Review of The Understudy  
Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello, derF

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This has such strong emotion it brings the write to life. The reader is set inside the room to watch and feel what this character feels. The message is sad and realistic, I believe many will relate to the feeling you're expressing so well. You're very good with descriptive emotion.

I am an understudy for myself,

The theme and the write show your talent and creativity. I look forward to reading more of your work.

I see nothing technically wrong - you've done a good job.

esprit

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