Hello, Asp
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This is very good! The story moves along well. It seems slow at the beginning, because of all the background info., but it's all used successfully to make this character real. There is some tightening that could be done later, though. This is first draft, so there's plenty of time.
Here are some things I noticed that are probably a habit and so you won't notice.
So all the residence were mostly happily barred up in their homes.
--residents--(a typo I point out only because I'm here.)
I noticed several uses of --residence-- A single word or phrase shouldn't be used often because readers begin to notice them and are pulled from the story. Try to use the word only once, and find another for the other places.
The most often repeat is the word --town--. I counted 19. I counted because it jumped out at me.
A young man of fourteen,
The boy had been put up for adoption many years ago, when he was still a baby.
put up for adoption
I stumbled at this line. I suggest cutting --many years ago-- because he's only fourteen. --still a baby--works good by itself.
Notice the exact repeats ref. to --adoption--
so he was put up for adoption. For several
So it was after his sixth birthday that Kyre was taken from the place were he had grown, being told he was being punished for something his parents must of done because of his appearance, and being the center of everyone’s attention.
This says he was taken away because he was being punished. That's not how you intended the readers to interpret it. Rewrite for clarity. The punctuation will need to be edited during editing. There are places you need a period instead of a comma. I don't cover puntuation.
He was very young and naïve. Which in this case, made him very wrong.
I like this line. It touches on humor and reality. It stands out and caught my attention. It gives a hint of sorrow.
giving one last longing look outside, he truly hated cold weather, and it meant he
This is the only punctuation suggestion I'm going to make. Change the comma to a period. The sentence really should end there. Many of your lines are going long and rambling with more than two thoughts running through them. That makes them tiring to read and difficult to hold the thought of the main subject.
pulling off the shirt he wore to bed
down to pull a clean shirt from the
Pulling on a shirt of a color
Be aware of coming up with a great phrase and then loving it too much. Say it once so it doesn't lose it's power through overwork. It definitely is a great phrase. It's shows him clearly!
Boruka “City” was the nearest town to Serates.
So in truth it was neither near nor a city.
This boy has a personality! This shows me he is smart and can be funny. He's a bit cynical and realistic. He really doesn't like double-speak. I like him, he's more mature than a fourteen year-old of today. He's had a very rough bringing up.
seat and took her cup to the and breakfast dishes into the kitchen,
There are typos like these throughout. You'll find them during editing with slow, careful reads.
Kyre rose from his chair knocking back her hand back and roughly...
...he stood up and screamed, just screamed. Expressing all the pain and frustration and fear. He screamed and screamed for what seemed like forever until his throat would no longer work, letting out mere croaking sounds, and he slowly sunk to his knees, sobbing loudly.
Wonderfully described! Strong, clear imagery and emotion. I can hear and see him, and understand his frustration and loneliness. I care about this boy. Good writing!
Wiping the snow from his body and his ears flicking the snow off seemingly by themselves, he mumbling about being soaked, he took on last look at the view,
I think, if you cut the phrase of his ears, the line would be stronger. It only distracts and doesn't add anything.
Slipping ungracefully as he turned, he windmilled his arms and his hoarse throat let out a cry as he fell the twelve or so feet to the ground.
And the snow continued to fall.
This scene is strong visually. It's clear and real. I'm a by-stander and can see him fall. The last line is a good touch of poetry. I like it.
The scene is a strong hook to keep the reader turning pages.
It's coming along well and it's an enjoyable story.
Well done!
The rate is for an unfinished draft. Don't think it's because I didn't like the story. I did. You're doing a good job. The rate will be brought up as the work continues.
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