Meth: a Ticking Timebomb Gone Viral

White Lies Are Not White, They're Just Lies

I was thinking about a subject I feel very passionately about...truth. We all lie, have lied and will lie...and anyone who says this is not true is either a Saint or confirms this fact.

Humans lie, I lie...and I am the first person to admit this. Being an addict, that fact comes with the territory. It doesn't mean we are bad people because we don't always tell the absolute truth.

My mom is wise and someone I have not just a lot of love for, but a lot of respect as well. She still teaches me every single day, but she has a bad habit...she prevaricates (to speak or act in an evasive way), which I knew she did, having lived and cared for her for the last seven years, but didn't know the term for. She is the one who told me of the word, and since she did, I have noticed how often this tactic to avoid the truth is used.

Truth? What is truth? Is it an absolute? An aspiration? An ideology? An impossibility?

And what about honesty? And the difference between honesty and truth? Then, of course, the reasons...or excuses, and more importantly, to whom we are being dishonest.

I am here on this blog, telling anyone who cares to listen of my own personal journey...but how can you, the reader, know if I am not high right now, and just telling you that my journey is going great and blah blah blah?

I have no way to prove my truth here, and the point I am making is...it matters not if YOU believe what I am saying to my ultimate destination.
To me, the very worst lie I will ever tell is the one I tell myself...and yet, ironically, this is the lie I am the most easily convinced of.

I know I can lie and that you may never know. It's kind of like if someone on a diet tells the world they have goals, that they are doing exercise, want to lose weight and feel more healthy. Then, every morning after getting off the train on the way to work, calls into their favourite doughnut shop and eats one, or two...no one will ever know, so why not?

Are there three types of lies...black, white and grey? Or is this a denial of the facts...it either is or is not a lie? Omission comes to mind..."You didn't ask me if I used drugs today." A great lie to hide the truth behind.

So, in the end...the bottom line as I see it is simple...I know how much I want this journey to become my reality. I also know and acknowledge I will walk past that doughnut shop at some point...that is unavoidable.

Will I go in and eat that sweet and beautiful treat...just this once and never again? This is the BIG question.

I want to feel good...not just from the physical effects of not using meth, but for my own personal satisfaction of finally beating this addiction that has plagued me for so long?

To have people who know me look at me and say, "Neil, you look really good." And mean it.

And, more to the point, when I look myself in the mirror...what is it I want to see?

Me, still hollow faced and gaunt from the continued abuse of my body and mind? Or, to look me in the eyes and feel pride, feel health...the self-satisfaction that will come when I keep on walking...knowing in my heart I can no longer have that kind of treat again?

That there is so much better awaiting me if I can control these urges. To become the man I want to become...the man I know my kids will be proud of...that they might ask me to be the one who will walk them down the aisle if they choose to marry...and to live long enough to see that day.