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 |  This is my blog & my hope, writing daily will help me see my progress and log supporters. |
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| Hindsight? Why didn't I keep my big mouth shut and not brag about my physicality and such? Why did I invite something into my life just because I was lonely and didn't believe it could be real? I got through the workload today. After breakfast, I hit the gym and did half an hour of cardio, followed by a moderate weight session. I then returned to my abode, had lunch, swam laps and did three sets of twenty pool edge dips. I finished the day off with a walk to the local fresh food markets and back. I'm aching in places I didn't know could. My feet hurt and I have come to the realisation that I'm a fifty-nine-year-old man who is terrified of growing old. I don't regret the amount of exercise I'm doing, but I do regret saying that I am getting younger...when in fact, I aged another day today. I'm in denial and finding it hard to accept that one day soon, I'm going lose this battle for youth. My eyesight is getting worse and the strength I had a year or two ago, is waning. My right knee, right elbow and both shoulders complain every night when I lay down in bed. I refuse to take any pain relief because eventually, the pills won't work anyway. The symptoms of psychosis are still with me and show no signs of abating. The entity insists it is going nowhere, but I have a plan...only four more nights of torment before I see a doctor. Hopefully, he or she will prescribe medication that will relieve the symptoms...and if not, I'll travel to Phuket and buy up all the Diazepam I can get my hands on (no one in Hua Hin will sell me any). I also need to find a local English-speaking church...not as a backup per se, but it can't hurt and I need all the help I can enlist to overcome this problem. I'm tired of seeing demons every night when I close my eyes, and even though I know they can't hurt me (at least, I don't think they can), it is beginning to take a toll. It's become normal to see them, and even though I try to make light of it (for my own sake), the fear and anxiety I feel before going to bed isn't ideal...especially given how long it has been going on. I'm resilient, and no matter what happens, I won't give in to this illness/affliction/condition/infection. There is too much at stake...from my mental health to my soul. |
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