My True Soul

Enough

It is amazing to read all the physical things that can happen from being stressed and depressed. I'm amazed, nonetheless. I should try not to stress out too much. Stuff like heart disease, more illnesses, risk for heart-attacks. Haha, women are immunologically stronger than me, but it makes them more susceptible to self-attacking diseases such as lupus and multiple sclerosis. And now it's talking about how holding things are are physically bad for you too... who knew, lol.
To pursue our own happiness is considered to be wrong - not really. Have the most to give others when you feel great/happy.

I just realized tonight how crazy my week has been in some aspects.

I came closer than ever before to shooting myself this past week. I really just snapped from reality. I was holding the gun, looking at it, thinking, and thinking, and then i decided maybe I should get the clip out... then... I started getting mad and want to go ahead and do it cause I how I had that whole "you're too scared" feeling come about. Yeah, I still am not where I want to be obviously. I ended up cutting myself (yeah... why? cause... blergh... yeah, to remind me how stupid I was at that moment, so I could look at it all week and be like "you idiot")

That was... Monday night. Tuesday night... mmm, I slept. Wednesday night, I went out with some friends. Before I went out with them, Halee called me and told me she was going to court for harrassment, and that her kidneys are failing her because, simply, she won't take care of herself. Oh, and I came home and told April how I felt about her, finally. After a couple of months of certain people being like "come, it's kinda obvious you do have some feelings for her" mm, yah.

Lemme see Thursday, I went to the Egg bowl (MSU vs. Ole Miss) Ole miss won. I left during the 2nd quarter - soaking wet. Found out later that Sarah and her uncles had watched the game, thought that was kinda odd. I drove home, almost fell asleep while I was driving. Had this strong urge to get online. Got to talk to Kim... before I could ask her for her number, she asked me for mine. She keeps telling me she really likes me and she was being extremely nice Thursday night. I mean... from what she displayed... she's the kinda girl I want right now, without a doubt. Just, she has a bf, and... *sighs* is it just like I want to be with her more cause I can't be? Hrm... no. I just really like her and she's been in my mind since Saturday morning when she called. She has such a sweet voice. She's soft-spoken, for once, a girl I talk to is soft-spoken like me. And, this is weird, I was looking at christmas gift ideas today, and I already know of something I could get her that she'd like... I've known her a lil over a month... I don't normally do that. Grr, I wanna talk to her, but I don't wanna call... but I may give in. The reason why I don't wanna call is cause I wanna ask her what she thinks now that she's talked to me on the phone... and her bf is kinda nosy... and cause I don't wanna seem too... obsessed? Yah, when all I can think about is hugs and cuddling and... ggrrrr, lol, in one night, she spoiled me. *jumps up and down in frustration* but, that's what I want. Someone who is all about curling up in someone's lap and just reading a good book or watching TV, that's how she is. And, I asked her if there was anything she wanted to ask me.... she said there was loads of stuff... but that it'd be asked and answered when it's supposed to be, not to worry about it now.

Friday night was the concert, it was awesome, totally awesome. I'm wearing my 3 Doors Down shirt today. I love it. Yet, I feel so disconnected from things right now.

Anyways, I talked to Halee tonight. She's jealous of Kim, if she wasn't, then she wouldn't say her name all funny. So, now, she's basically hitting on me more so. Told me I should go see her and visit... this went on for almost 15 mintues without pause. Now, I wanna meet Kim. I really do... I wanna know her better, I wanna see how she is, I wanna take a chance on dating her if I ever get to that point. I told Fetty about her tonight, he seemed impressed... I just, I get all... funny sounding when I talk about her. If only I could talk to her tonight. I have the feeling that I can talk to her and not be scared...that makes me feel calm, I've told her she did that anyways. And I'm really wondering where Sarah is... hope she's alright.

I had a flat last night on my way home, I haven't slept since 2pm on Sunday and it's 11pm on monday here. 33 hours and still going. I think I'm gonna call Kim on Wednesday if I haven't heard from her.







Today is Wednesday, sorta. It's 3 am on Wednesday.

I'm thinking. Sarah yelled at me for not taking her seriously about something, for acting like everyone else. Then she assumes I don't care about her. Maybe I don't. Maybe I don't care about anyone, or, maybe if I do, it's so sorry assed that it isn't a good enough or believable. Maybe I want someone who'll act like the genuinely care about me first and I don't know... I know 2 who have done that. I treat them, well, one of them... I haven't had the chance to be stupid with her, yet. I'm sure I'll get there. The other, yes, I have. Maybe I just never listen good enough. Maybe I seem like I don't care at all. I mean, I remember Sarah telling me she didn't wanna hear my problems cause they were nothing compared to hers. Yeah, they're not. They never will be. So, I shouldn't tell her anything. I like that idea. You know, what? How about this, I don't have problems compared to anyone else, so, I'll just shut up and deal. And if it gets to the point where I cry, then, fine, I do and I'll get over it. And from now on, I won't act in anyway that'll upset Sarah, I won't tease her anymore, I'll take her dead serious even tho she fusses at me for doing that. But apparently, I can't joke with her either. That's fine, I'm all about being in the middle.

From now on, I'll call Halee, I'll talk to her about everything that's going on with her. I should do that always anyways.

Shorty, yeah, one of the few people who read this. I'm sorry about all the times I go on about stupid s***. That's what it is. And I'm sorry I expect you to listen and respond to it... it's stupid and nothing. I was a bad friend, I have been, and maybe one day, I'll stop being one.

April, good lord, I'm sorry. All those times, all those nights, and you listened. You did respond, hell, you even put aside how you really felt to keep my life easier and simple and not cause ME to have trouble. That was way above the call of duty of being a friend and I greatly appreciate it. I'm so sorry I did that though. And I'm really confused to why you ever felt that way.

Hell's Bells, the only one I HAVEN'T been like that with is Kim. Why? I don't know for sure. Haven't gotten the chance? I don't know, maybe it was cause, I didn't talk to her for a few days and she REALLY worried and... what the hell, she had no reason, I wasn't anyone special to her, I hadn't listened to her, I hadn't blabbed on to her... we just talked and joked around and alll, that was it. But, she f***ing cared, and worried.

Halee, good f***ing hell, I'm so stupid with her and so bitchy. She REALLY cares and all I can see is the way she annoys me. All I can see is why I shouldn't like her. I don't know, I'm so confused. Maybe she is the kinda girl I should be with, maybe I'm too blind to see it, maybe I'm trying to deny myself someone that would be perfect for me.

And Sarah, good god, she deserved better. I want her to be with some girl or some guy who always treats her in the PERFECT way she wants them to.

Shannon, she, has no reason to care, but, she made me think about everything. And, goodness... how... grr, I've became what I hate.

f*** me over, okay, I don't mean that in a good way.

Fetty, yeah, I can't be mean to him. I can't. And I also can't tell him any of this. Why? cause, it's not worth bogging down his life with, that's what I think. I think he's too good of a person to worry about me. He needs to worry about his own stuff.

Kat? K, no wonder I never can get in touch with her. She probably doesn't want me to talk to her and can I blame her? No.

Lily? Yeah... bad stupid me.

Life is f***ing stupid sometimes... it is... I hate it. And all these goon-damned people saying it has something to do with me being in college and stressed out about it and not having a good time with college? NO, that is NOT it! Okay, look, yes, sometimes I stress. Naturally. But normally? NO, college is what keeps me sane. It gives me something I can handle, something I know, something that I can somewhat control my f***-ups with.

Sarah got mad at me, called me a jerk, and threatened me. And I got mad back. Why? Cause I remember so many times during our relationship, just swallowing what was wrong, letting her talk the whole 3 hours and not saying much of anything, just listening. And sometimes, I just, I wanted what I have with Fetty, I talk, he listens. He talks, I listen. But, she always has had a harder life than me, so I shouldn't fuss. I should just accept it and get over it. She really likes this girl and all I can think is YAY, yay, cause maybe she'll date that girl, they'll fall in love, she'll be with someone who makes her happy.

As for me? I don't deserve Kim. She's too good for me. I'm too silly and too immature. I don't deserve anyone. But yet, this one part of me, it wants Kim so bad that I want to cry. Or it wants someone else, who won't be named. So, yeah. But, I don't deserve either. OH MY GOD, it's the stupid commercial... sorry... I hear the jinlge all the time. Yet right now, good god, all I wanna do is curl up and lay in Kim's arms... why? Because, she'd let me. Because, if I said I didn't wanna talk about it and I just wanted to be held, she's the kinda person that'd let you do that. If I started to cry, she wouldn't look at me weird. Yet, I want to push her away, because of the fact I know she'd let me do that, that makes her too good. And you know what, I wanna talk to her and tell her how horrible of a person I am. I want her to know, I don't want to hurt her. Yes, Love hurts, life hurts, and blah blaha blah, and I shouldn't hide, right?


So now, I should get over it all and stop complaining. Right, I should. But this journal right now... yeah, it's the only place where I can let go of everything. That's what I'm gonna do. So, if you wish not to read it, then don't. It's more for me now.

How in the hell do people ever see me as nice, caring, and all that other bulls***? Grrr.

I'm gonna go. Enough.