My True Soul

Apparently I had something to say

I finally went to my high school to visit with some of my teachers. I don't think a lot of people understand why I go back there. But, sometimes, you develop favorite teachers and it's not so much because of what they teach, it's who they are and how they interact with you. I love Mrs. Farina, she's a great person and a wonderful teacher. I love to hear her talk, but I think I get along with Mrs. Burns better. Mrs. Burns, I've had her 3 years in a row...I miss just talking to her. Ya know? Mrs. Farina could always make me smile whenever I was having a bad day. She taught me one extremely important thing... if you can find out how to learn something....you can learn anything. We also went to see Mr. Dean, I don't know... he was alright. It amazes me how much easier I can talk to him now that I'm not in his class. And I forgot to go see Coach Creekmore. *frowns* I will the next time.

I also went so I could see Kat since I believe she's grounded. She majorly confuses me. Cause... yah, lol, you'll call and call and try to write and it seems that she just doesn't care. Then, when she has time, she'll write back. And when she writes, there's not a hint of her being annoyed or mad or anything. I have no problem with Kat, not seriously, I just wish I could talk to her like I used to be able to. Or at least a little more often than it's been the last 6 months.

Heh, Lily also... pointed something out to me that... I'd chose not to... hrm... admit? Yes, admit. Heh, it's always awkward to do so.

We were talking about some of my friends last night and how things have changed. She looks at me "you have a thing for Kat" and just stares at me. Okay, I couldn't answer "no" without smiling.... I tried.... it didn't work. So, yeah, I have a thing for Kat. Whatever that "thing" may be... it's uh, lol, been there a while. I remember flat out telling Sarah that I was attracted to Kat but that it didn't mean anything was gonna happen so she should just get over it. That was sometime when all that stuff with Jonas was going down.

Yeah, so, Kat's gorgeous. One of my closest friends. I know stuff about her that, to my knowledge, no one else does. And since the day I met her, I can look at her eyes and know what she means, what she feels, and what she's thinking. The day she told me she had something to tell me... I could see in her eyes.... so vividly.... 2 different emotions. It was like seeing a lil girl in there that was yelling and throwing things out of anger, but then the lil girl just collapsed and started crying....wanting someone to just be there. She told me and I just let her cry. Mm, yeah. It also cracks me up that she just happens to have the same size hands I do, wears the same size ring and shoes, lol. Everyone always teased me about my hands being so damn big, haha....not alone!!

So, as I told Lily.... "Yah, I have a thing for Kat. I have had a thing for Kat. I admit it. But, it's simple... I have a thing for her, one that will not go anywhere and will not get anymore serious. Eventually I will get over it. And I won't act upon it, she's straight and I respect that."

The most ironic thing, in a way, is that if Fetty and Kat had the chance of being together, I would so want that for them. I would be SO happy about it.

I am sick now... that really sucks. I'm hoping that I won't get much worse... but I think I'm gonna go back to sleep soon. I've slept 10 hours thus far.

Lily and I talked about these people: Ali, Amanda, Adam, Brian, Fetty, Hepher, Kat, and Sean.

She told me some stuff about Ali and I do see it. After knowing Ali since 5th grade, we're still not close in any manner. Lily was like "she's changed so much in that time, that's why." Which, Ali would shove religion down your throat and all this. Now she hangs around people who have sex while she's in the next room, do drugs, sell drugs, and all sorts of other things that she would have fussed about before. Hypocrite? Yep. We all are in a way, but there are varying degrees. She took Fetty and I to meet these people. Ya know... we both got this bad feeling about it... and we were/are worried about her. We basically told her to just be smart about everything. And she was like "I'm not stupid you guys". I hope she was right. I know Fetty and I both are probably what most people would call "goody two shoes" in a way... but... at least with me.... I know I've made my choices on these matters involving drugs, sex, drinking, blah blah blah. And I don't do them because I choose not to do them, not because I'm afraid of them or cause someone told me not to. I suppose Sarah did that with drinking, but that was it... and I've been released of that promise technically.

Lily said she'd never be able to forget what Amanda did to me when I was 16. How s***ty that was. Now, I don't know, I've gotten over it in a way. Amanda has changed. But I will never tell her the truth about who I am or ever let her that close to me again. I have a system of defense mechanisms that are very easy to cut through, but that most people don't seem to realize are there. Of course, the other night I went out with her and the whole time we were at Spencers she was wanting me to look at this guy or this other guy and I realized some things then. Obviously I don't majorly send out the signal of being more interested in girls, she doesn't suspect a thing, she'll never get it on her own, she won't ever accept it, and that I really wasn't too attracted to guys. Heh. Part of me though is soothed by Amanda. But, it's like Lily said with Kat. Kat will never know I have a "thing" for her unless she's specifically looking for it because she, like Amanda, is a Capricorn. Which means they're not good about picking up on things and then figuring out what they mean. They have to know the meaning and then look to find the things that prove them.

Apparently me being able to pick up on people liking other people is a Sagittarius kinda thing. Lily said she normally can do it really easily and be right about it. =) Yay.

Our comments about Adam were over in a matter of 2 minutes. He's annoying. And he is, in a way that only he can be.

Brian, I don't know if I even wanna go into at the moment. It's complexing with him.

Lily loves Fetty. I love Fetty. Everyone loves Fetty. He's a great person. I guess that's why I hate it when he feels so down. I hate it when several people are unhappy or feeling just miserable.

Hepher, heh. She is annoying at times, but something about her just makes me talk to her. I don't understand it. But something about her also scared me from most Catholics (sorry) course then I met Kat... which, lol, made me less scared of Catholics. And like the other night, she tried so hard to get me to tell her what was making me feel so bad and as much as I want to just let it go with her....something inside of me keeps me from doing so. I guess that's the indicator that I don't trust her enough to let her know everything. Lily is convinced that Hepher's in the closet to herself, that she just hasn't came out yet. Perhaps.

Lily was confused when I said I couldn't stand Sean. I did at one time, we did get along, and hey, I actually enjoyed talking to the turd. I'm sorry, it's one thing to tell all your friends at the time that another one might be bi. But 2 + years later and you're telling the new friends about it?? Good geez, get over it. I'm just glad Kat, before she even knew it was the truth, just said "So what?" Argh. That just pushes some buttons. And now I know the stuff he does to Fetty and how he acts with him and that just pisses me off more. Sean's a dumbass in the purest form.

And I just wrote 3 pages. I guess talking about stuff just got me fired up.

I talked to Halee last night for about 10 minutes. She wants me to call her on Christmas if I can. I told her right then that I couldn't. My Uncle and Aunt are coming down here. My dad and I had a discussion about that side of the family yesterday. He said he was so tired of biting his tongue when it came to my uncle, so pretty much, if my uncle does like normal, my dad'll probably give him a piece of his mind. Which will therefore mean we will have a fight on Christmas. Meaning my christmas will probably suck. Oh well, just christmas... what's it matter.

My dad also told me he made my cousin Kim promise that no matter what was going on, that she'd come to my high school graduation. I didn't know that. And I still expected her to be there cause, guess what, outta all my family, she's the one I liked the most, the one that I wanted to go see. The one family member that I wanted to be there besides my parents. And she didn't come, even after promising that. Her husband said the roads between here and there were horrible. Shorty, heh, you know they're not. And if he thinks those roads are horrible, lemme drive him to Starkville, I'll show ya some bad roads. And goodness, the last time they came down was sometime around I think my 7th/8th grade year. I think the roads have probably changed in 5 years. It just really sickens me in a way I can't even explain. And that side of my family...they've always acted like I wouldn't go to college, always acted like if I did go to college, that I wouldn't finish. My mom sees that, she's basically gathered the same feeling. My dad was totally unaware of this, I told him yesterday that's how it's always been with them. But ya know, that of course only makes me wanna prove them wrong and I will. He said he was the first to graduate from high school. And the first to attend college, he couldn't finished, but he would have. He said there's been many times he wished he could have went back. And my cousins, they've had sssoooo many opportunities to go back and finish. But they haven't. So when I graduate from college, I will be the first on my dad's side of the family. I will be the 2nd on my mom's immediate family....as far as I know. The other one was my mom herself. Apparently my parents regard education with more respect than the others. Aye, for knowledge is power.

Argh tho, my parents aren't going to be able to accept the fact that I am bi, that I may end up being with another female for the rest of my life. They may accept it later and I hope they will, but at first, I know they won't. And in a way... that makes it all worse. I've pretty much concluded that I can't really depend on my family, that I can't count on them, nor can I trust them. When these are supposed to be the people you can do that with. You can tell stuff to. Everything like that. And I catch myself wondering how many people really know who I am.

I did believe that Sarah knew. And she does... in a way that many people don't. But she also doesn't realize that I've changed and that not everything she thinks is true. Nor does she know that it works better if you don't act like a smart ass with me or yell or whatever. Nor that when I show that I care, I don't need for someone to slap it down with some kinda rude ass comment or act like I'm an idiot. Sarah also knows things that I may not have discussed with many people. Argh, it makes my stomach feel weird cause I miss her so much in a way. I miss how it was with us... a long time ago it seems. When I felt like I could go to her and cry without being afraid of her or what'd she say/think. Heh, yeah, a year ago... that's when I last felt like that. Grr, like I said, I just want someone I can go to, cry, and not have to say a damn thing. Them just be there for me.

Lily knows in some manners... but... then she'll step all over at me at times.

Shorty knows, I do believe, but I'm not sure how much... I don't even know, I don't think she does either.

Fetty doesn't know my darkest thoughts. He doesn't know how utterly depressed and down I can get. I hide that from him. I shouldn't and I keep saying I will tell him, but I haven't.

I think April knows me fairly well, at least, I do know she does get me. I know she knows how to calm me down and get me to feel some better no matter what. I'm afraid something hasn't been shown though, I don't know what or if anything however.

Kat understands some things about me really really well. Why? She's went through them herself, almost exactly in the same manner. That's why. But otherwise, I think there's a huge gap and I don't think she's realized I have changed some. And I don't think I let myself show her how I hurt at times.

There ya have the people that would be able to best understand me.

Now I'm taking my hungry stomach, my running nose, my sore throat, and itchy eyes back to bed for a bit.