My True Soul

For real?

I hate how I was awakened this morning - my dad yelling and screaming cuss words. Not a pleasant way. Also why I went back to sleep. After that, the phone company dude came out, said the whole reason our phones were screwed up was because my laptop had the phone line plugged in it. Uh, no. But alas, my dad spent a while fussing about that n basically making me feel like it was my fault. This is one way I've changed. Initially, I feel horrible n stuff, then I get this attitude like "no, it wasn't my fault so F you" n I just get annoyed n then let it go, mostly.

Idk, I always wondered if when I was younger, did my dad pick me up by the arm and throw me across the room, did he call me names n stuff, ya kno. My dad's always seemed to be so against home violence cause of my mom being raised in a situation like that. Then I talked to my mom the other night, he has slapped her before, of course he ended up crying as soon as he had n she'd slapped him back. He would get mad/jealous and throw dishes. He did put a hole in the wall due to his temper. Why? Cause she didn't do what he thought she should. Now, I'm beginning to think that those things did really happen, there is a possibility that he would have gotten mad enough n I do remember that my mom was at work. I'm really not sure and I'm really torn on it. And it's so far in the past that, well, to stir it up now would cause so much more trouble. Nor was it that much. It still hurt and it's still important, but I think I'll be fine. I don't think affected me in a really bad way excepts for maybe my self-esteem and my trust.

And what else scared me? The fact he was like that and I know that I have a temper. Of course, I think it's been toned down a lot, but when I was younger, I was so angry at times. My mom got it out of my system and now? I'm rarely ever that angry at anyone and I'm never really angry enough throw something or hit someone. Only time I feel like hitting something or someone is when someone else really really hurts someone I care about. Also, I kno I have a wee bit of a jealousy thing... but I don't think it's as bad as Sarah made it out to be. If you tell someone you're dating that some guy hand their hand on your ass, well, that's prolly gonna make them a lil jealous, if you tell them at this person you have a crush on is so cute, so adorable, n makes you so happy.... n you never say that they do, uh, well, yeah, duh. Otherwise, I think it's good to have some, it shows you have an interest in the person still.

I've thought about that a lot today...obviously. I really wanted to just leave the house n go somewhere, but I decided to stay and just see if I could deal.

And I think, in a way, I'm loosing some of my friends. But then again... that's ok. It happens and life goes on. Maybe I'll still talk to a few of them throughout the school year, that'd be nice at least. Oh well, life goes on. Lily was wanting to do something today and I really just don't feel like it. I'm not sure why, but I just feel like staying here. Maybe it's cause I kno I'll have a lot of driving to do this evening.

I've been thinking about many other things, but... I'll probably post them in another journal.

Oh, haha. Saturday night, I was all bouncy n giddy n hyper. I mean, top o the world. Sarah got on for maybe 4 minutes, we didn't talk, nothing, but just seeing her sn... lol. GOOD FEELING GONE! I said from now on, I'm just gonna say GFG! It amazed me that something ssoooo simple could make me that hyper/happy n something that lil could take it away sssoooo quickly, lol.