Wheel of Fortune

Ten of Guns

The Ten of Guns I pulled today is from the POMO Tarot--post-modern Tarot--and uses paintings to depict the Tarot suits ---paintings from MOMA---the Museum of Modern Art. This card pictures Edward Munch's famous painting The Scream---which I'm sure everyone has seen---a solitary man on a forlorn road--holding his head and letting out a long wail. The Tarot Card embellishes the scene by having ten guns pointing at his head.

Well, some days recently I've felt like this----today more whining than wailing though. Whining because I'm on-call for the week-end. But I got to spend a great deal of time with the grandkids, and despite everything, they continue to seem to do OK. They are healthy and thriving.

I saw my soon-to-be-ex-daughter -in- law today----didn't really speak, said hello--I don't want to be enemies with her, but I can't envision us as friends. To be more than that seems a betrayel to my son who needs all of my support. And yet, I want only the best for the grands, and to be a positive, nurturing source in their lives.

So I've removed from my blog any way that Melinda's name could be Googled and negative crap come up about her. Revenge may be sweet, but what's the point?

I've decided to read the reverse meaning of this card,as it seems more applicable: Through injury, wisdom. and What doesn't kill me makes me stronger. So cliche, but so true.

All along this road of life I've had moments when I was certain I couldn't survive the present circumstances: living with a mother who was mentally ill. discovering that my first husband was gay, my son being arrested for selling drugs. These were well in the past and resolution and healing have come from all of this. And most recently, the break-up of my son's marriage, but here I am.
And this sounds like a bad soap opera or Jerry Springer show. And it's none of that--it's just my life and I keep going----admittedly I've thought of the other alternative-----but have always continued to stick around to see what happens.

Some days I wake up and feel like shrieking, but I climb out of bed, go to work, and continue to look for meaning and joy in my life, and at that very least to spread a bit of kindness around.

Woody Allen said that life was messy, and complicated and full of sorrow.....and too damn short.

So here I am, 56 years old, not quite the end of the road, wondering what's around the bend.